Finding love when your overweight

[donnasgonna]

For various reasons I've put on a lot of weight over the past few years and am a size 18. I do plan to shift the weight but it's proving harder than I thought.

I'd really like to meet someone but I've heard some really horrible theories/ discussions about how men feel about larger women and I'm starting to feel it's unlikely.

When I was slim I had a lot of attention from men but now I get barely any at all which makes me resentful because I feel like it must have all been very shallow.

Anyone out there who's bigger found love as they are?

Following as I’m in the same boat. Also a size 18. I do know people bigger than me who find love or just play the field with confidence. I’d love to know how they do it.
I do think confidence is key though.

I know some who okay the field but none who've actually settled down with someone

I've been overweight for a good long while and I've never had a problem in that department. I had a string of boyfriends as a teen when I was 'chubby' and I was definitely fat when I met my husband and I'm fat now. We've been together for almost 17 years.

Most, if not all come to think of it, of the overweight people I know are in settled long term relationships.

I am comfortable in my body. It's not ideal, I do know that and I am working towards changing it because I want to be here for my daughter but I love me, I like who I am and I don't let my weight define me. I'm a woman who has fat. I'm also a good friend, I like to think I'm kind and considerate of others, there is so much more to me than a dress size.

This is a great post, because it says how much larger women feel judged and never good enough unless you have the most amazing resilience and self esteem. I have larger friends who have always been so and never had dating problems as they love themselves as they are. OP was slimmer before as are many of us, previously slim, but got fatter and argh lockdown weight or aging weight that can't quite reconcile person and body in the mirror with what used to see.

It definitely possible to find love as a larger person, you need to steer clear of the shallow men/ daters, but you can only do that by being upfront at start- real pictures- snd don't apologise for who you are or your body. If you feel unhappy being larger even if you want to slim down, you have to own it and appreciate your body as it is.

You're massively over-thinking it. Plenty of men love a larger woman.

Write your dating profile and take your pics as if you believe that your body is amazing and desirable. Don't write stuff like "I'm a big girl and I know it" or put up photos that try to disguise your body. You want to make sure you're appealing to guys who are actively attracted to your shape. Not guys who "might be prepared to consider it if you promise we can have sex with the lights off".

18 is really not that large. I was a size 20 when I met my husband, got down to 16-18 when we married, went back up to about a 24, went down to a 12, went back up... etc etc.

The LAST thing you want to do is settle for some dick who doesn't really suit you but you think "This is probably all I can get". Size is really not a barrier to a relationship, any more than your age, hair colour or height!

Thanks that's all reassuring. Ams tour right about putting true to life pictures up. I'm so ashamed of my body that I just put face pics up then spend the days before the date fretting about when they see me and are disappointed. Then I usually cancel!

Morning OP - I could have written your post!

I used to be between a size 12-14 but now I am nearer a 20. Without a doubt, I received more attention from men when I was slimmer.

Like you, I only put headshots on my OLD profile as I'm so worried about how my body looks. I wish I had the confidence to just think "sod it" but I hate that feeling of always being judged. Trying to lose weight but it doesn't seem to be a battle I'm winning and in my experience, men do not seem to be attracted to a larger lady 😕

Where are all these men who are attracted to larger women? Nowhere near me, that's for sure!

How do you feel about overweight guys, fat blokes? If they're kind and considerate would you date one?

No don’t put just face photos, put full body pics because lots of men find that deceitful. And as you said it just makes you more nervous. Even if it narrow down your chances at least you'll have the confidence that he loves you for you — all of you.

In terms of type OP are you also being lenient on looks and weight? I only say this because I have a friend who is your size but only wants to date slim men, or really tall men with all their hair. And I don’t think she realises that it’s not fair that she judges men on their looks alone — it’s a two way street.

Absolutely don't just put face pics- that's misleading.

It is totally possible to find the right person. When I met my partner I was a size 16/18 though I did carry it well as I'm tall.
I've lost weight now (for me, not for him or any other reason) but from the moment we met he has pretty much worshipped my body- flaws and all.
He loves me and my tubby bits and my stretch marks and everything else I don't like about my body he loves.
He makes me feel a million dollars. That's how it should be. If it's not then they aren't for you.

@autumnalrain

No don’t put just face photos, put full body pics because lots of men find that deceitful. And as you said it just makes you more nervous. Even if it narrow down your chances at least you'll have the confidence that he loves you for you — all of you.

In terms of type OP are you also being lenient on looks and weight? I only say this because I have a friend who is your size but only wants to date slim men, or really tall men with all their hair. And I don’t think she realises that it’s not fair that she judges men on their looks alone — it’s a two way street.

Exactly this, reminds me of the older bloke chasing young girls. Perhaps people need to look in the life mirror and broaden their expectations.

I also agree with @autumnalrain that you have to be open to others being less than 'perfect' too. Though of course we can't change what we are attracted to.

Though that doesn't mean that an athletic or slim person can't be attracted to someone the opposite.
My DP is tall, slim/athletic in build and fancied me when I was overweight.
Actually pinch myself everyday and often feel that I'm massively 'punching' ... but then so does he.

I'm 40 and a size 22/24. I did OLD last year and had no problems at all with going on dates. I was upfront about my size on my profile and was inundated with messages. I met my boyfriend last year and we've been together ever since. He's amazing and my size has never been an issue at all. I'd agree it's a confidence thing. Actually I'm not confident about my weight but I think it's just one part of me and I like how I look and my personality. Don't let it hold you back.

I think it is a lot to do with how you feel about yourself. I've got a few friends who are overweight and are in very happy loving relationships. Some are in relationships with physically fit guys. I've got many more friends who are slim and single actually. And very beautiful. So in my experience, I haven't seen a correlation between physical attributes and happiness in a relationship.

i was 17st, bmi 42 and size 22 when i met my DH. was the heaviest i have ever been. I actually got treated better by men when i was bigger than when i was a size 10. guys took me more seriously. I've lost about 3 stone since then but honestly DH doesn't give a crap about size. he is genuinely one of the best people I've ever met and i don't feel i settled in the slightest.

@Marineboy67 I don't have a type that I'm looking for. If anything I suppose Ive always been attracted to bigger chubby guys. I love a big hairy chest and belly! But that was the same when I was slim.

I wouldn't rule any shape out but it's kind of sad if the insinuation is that as a fatty I could only attract a fatty. Simply because that kind of lessens the options doesn't it.

Although going by other posters it seems there are bigger women out there with physically fit men so maybe the pool is bigger than I perceived it to be

I was an 18 when I met DH who is tall and skinny. I've been slightly bigger but never any skinnier. And we met via OLD.

I've had a few nasty comments over the years of OLD but you have to accept some men are dicks and like to try and bully women. Also had comments made about how fat girls are more likely to give a BJ because they're grateful you picked them etc. You just have to ignore it

Put up flattering photos of yourself. Full body. Pick a photo of when you're dressed up and feel good. Click the "curvy" button or whatever there is. You'll filter out the kind of guys who aren't right for you.

I'm a very big girl and my experience OLD was that there were men specifically looking for larger women. Most men I would say to be fair werent attracted to me as I'm 6ft and very plus size, but there were some who were very attracted because of it, so I made sure on my profile that my body was described as tall and BBW.

I'm single because they all turned out to be typical men OLD but I don't think it was a weight issue as I was surprised to find that more men than I realised like big women. Just be honest and upfront about it, own it girl!

There are also men who actively prefer obese women. Have a scout around some subreddits. Depends on how you feel about that, though. On one hand you would know that he genuinely prefers your body type and worships and adores it, finds you irresistible. On the other sometimes I think it can feel a bit like you’re being fetishised for your weight rather than you as a person, and of course it would become a problem if you do lose the weight.

If you’re planning to lose weight I’d really focus on that tbh and you’ll have a wider pool of people to date, instead of trying to convince yourself to be okay with the size you are when clearly you’re unhappy with it and see it as a barrier to various things such as dating. Weight loss doesn’t have to be complex, just download MyFitnessPal, set a caloric goal for each day and eat what you want within it. Once the first few pounds come off it’ll really boost your confidence and realisation that you can actually do this and spur you on. Obviously you can keep dating in the meantime but it seems to me the solution to this is a lot more about actually losing the weight.

@SleepingStandingUp that's horrible and similar to what I've read

@Mermaidwaves that's the other end of the problem isn't it - the fetishisation of BBW. Obviously I'd like my partner to be sexually attracted to me but I think those guys you speak about are in to it as a kink and I don't really fancy that either. Mostly as I feel unhealthy and I would like to lose the weight really

I was a size 16 when I met DP on OLD, went down to a 12 when I discovered running, and am now bumping an 18 after a running injury and also being pregnant. He has never said anything other than that he fancies me during all these stages. I have always been self conscious about my tummy which has never been flat and after this 3rd child I dread to think what I will be left with! I think DP is gorgeous, he's tall and toned but he lost his hair in his 20s and while I don't even notice that, it's his "thing" that he gets sensitive about. I think as PP said you just have to own it. We all have bodies, and we all have bits we are less happy about x

I don't think I meant to insinuate that fat people can only date fat people. However I do know that there are many men & women who limit their dating prospects by being perhaps being to superficial with regard to who they will date. We all find different things in people that signify our type, I personally like curly hair and wouldn't notice if the person was fat, tall, small, thin! I also think a well covered lady is far more desirable than tin ribs and bones.

@KarmaIsAnAngel sorry I saw your post after I wrote about fetishes. I see what your saying with your advice... but I suppose the thought of meeting someone who loves me for me means if in future I gain weight again, or as is inevitable I get old and wrinkly or sick or whatever then I'll feel more secure than if I end up with a guy who wouldn't have looked twice at me the way I am now.