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Original poster

proposals and 3 year point

31 replies

Silverstrands · 06/05/2021 23:13

So I don’t actually want to get married yet, for a number of reasons but I would like to get engaged. We have been together 3 years.
The problem is, early on, I told him that I didn’t want to get married and that I felt getting engaged and having a long engagement was ridiculous.
This was when I met him, in the middle of a really awful divorce. Sooo, 3 years later, I’m still not fussed on marriage but have warmed to the idea of it in a few years maybe when our children are adults and would like to be engaged some time in the next 12 months (but do want a romantic proposal including all of our children)
So seeing as I totally put him off, what’s the chances of a surprise romantic proposal? If I hint, and by hint he would need an 8ft sign blocking the front door, with the words, she wants this engagement ring written on it-then it wouldn’t be a surprise.
I could propose myself as that’s what I kind of did did with exh but I wanted something different this time

OP posts:

honeylulu · 06/05/2021 23:24

Why do you want to be engaged if you aren't "fussed on marriage"? That's what it means - engaged to be married.

Original poster

Silverstrands · 07/05/2021 06:36

Because in the future I do want to get married and would like the engagement to show that.
He’s a wonderful man and I feel lucky every day for what he brings in to my life and want to show him how fully committed I am.
If we get engaged, we don’t need to say a date yet. Just that it is a promise to each other that we will marry.
But thinking about it, everyone will be expecting it then and maybe put pressure on it when I might not actually be ready for another 5 years.
I wish I had met him earlier in life and would of married him 15 years ago without a second thought. Now with children and other things in the mix, it just complicates it

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 07/05/2021 06:44

I don’t think you can communicate this to him without talking about it. You want a romantic proposal with a specific ring that includes all of your respective children, but then you might not be ready for marriage for five years after that and you don’t want people to expect your engagement to be leading up to marriage? I doubt he’ll get it.

MindtheBelleek · 07/05/2021 06:45

You communicated what you wanted clearly — that you weren’t interested in remarrying and thought long engagements were ridiculous — three years ago, so why not communicate equally clearly now that you’ve totally changed your mind?

The oddity about this is you somehow wanting your partner to read your mind, figure out your very specific new wishes, and somehow intuit that you now want (a) not only a long engagement with no endpoint in sight, but also (b) a surprise romantic proposal that (c) involves all your children.

The only way he is going to know any of this is if you tell him.

user648482729 · 07/05/2021 06:46

I think you need to talk to him; if you told him it wasn’t something you wanted it seems unlikely that he’ll do it by surprise. Don’t hint, just sit down and have a conversation

InTheNightWeWillWish · 07/05/2021 06:46

You need to just talk to him. Say your feelings have changed, you want to get married in the future, ideally to him, but you aren’t there yet. Hopefully he wants to get married. Then you keep having these discussions. The complete surprise proposal very rarely happens, most people communicate with their partners about it and agree a timeline together. In some cases what happens is one partner will be doing the proposing and go off and organise things for a surprise engagement in a few months time.

mindutopia · 07/05/2021 06:49

Why don’t you just have a conversation about marriage and discuss that you’d like to be married and decide on a time frame? That’s what we did. You then still have the security of the joint decision to marry one day and you know you’re both on the same page but without the long engagement. Tbf, generally the people I know with long engagements were just doing it for the show of getting an engagement ring or had issues in their relationship that meant they struggled to get married or never did and split.

Dh and I discussed marriage from 6 months in and knew we were on the same page. Got engaged at 2.5 years and married at 3. But we had immigration issues to deal with - we had to be married for me to get a visa I needed. So it was pretty straightforward and not a surprise. We bought the ring together (I’m fussy and knew I didn’t want a diamond). The proposal was a surprise still (I actually had no idea what he’d planned) and it was lovely. But it all meant we entered into our life together being really clear we were both on the same page about what we wanted and how we saw the future.

WaterBottle123 · 07/05/2021 07:00

It would be grossly unfair to include the children without each parent having a conversation with them first and checking how they felt!

Getting engaged isn't a thing. Getting married is. Is marriage sensible for you? Would it put your children's assets at risk? Marriage has no advantages for women unless they are SAHMS. You really need to think about the reality of marriage not the romance of a 'big proposal'. You're a mum not a princess. Good luck!!

SmallPrawnEnergy · 07/05/2021 07:03

When you discussed marriage before what did HE say he wanted as this is pretty important to consider. If he agreed that he doesn’t want marriage then it’s quite unfair to expect him to change his mind like you have, especially when it’s been very clearly communicated. However if he did want marriage and accepted you did then you need to discuss this and your reasonings behind it.

However all three reasoning behind you wanting him to propose seem to be something you can discuss and have without a grand gesture and a ring. I really don’t see how you can be “not fussed” on marriage but simultaneously “warming to the idea in a few years”. What’s to say in a few years time you will have changed your mind again? It seems more important to you that you have physical proof of your relationship to show the world than actually getting married.

Oenanthe · 07/05/2021 07:07

You're a mum not a princess

This should be pinned at the top of all the 'how can I get him to propose?' threads.

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 07:09

Your not going to get a surprise engagement, as you have already told your partner you don’t want to get married.

Men don’t pick up on hints, you will simply have to tell him directly how you feel now

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/05/2021 07:16

... and hopefully he will feel the same way, of course you have no guarantee he will actually want to marry you, you posts seem about what you want as an individual, not as a couple.

anxietyanonymous · 07/05/2021 07:24

I understand where you are
Coming from. When i first got divorced i was determined-no way never again why do people remarry etc. Oh how people laughed especially as i fell in love with my now partner. He is also divorced and smiled at
Me and said i am not too fussed but i think we will one day.

As my trauma guilt and shame of divorce has healed i have definitely moved along the spectrum to 'never say never'. And i even picture it sometimes. Because we talk about our feelings a lot he knows this and there is no announcement to make.

It sounds like you need to talk and perhaps pitch it as a spectrum. But also need to talk regularly as he should know how you are feeling.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/05/2021 07:45

Is this really what 100+ years of feminism has brought us? A world where women can't express their wants and needs, and instead fart around dropping increasingly-desperate hints and getting pissy and resentful at their partners for not being telepathic?

Use your words OP! You're a grown-ass woman, he's a grown-ass man, I doubt he's going to be into this sort of childish game-playing. Pull your big girl pants up and crack on!

autumnalrain · 07/05/2021 09:28

Your post makes no sense , why get engaged if you’re not ready for marriage?

edwinbear · 07/05/2021 09:49

You want to get engaged, with a big SM friendly, romantic proposal involving all the DC, presumably a flashy engagement ring you can show all your friends and family, but you're not actually fussed about getting married?

Sakurami · 07/05/2021 10:16

If I ever want to get married again, I want it to be a mutual discussion and agreement. I have come to the conclusion that something so important should have a mutual concensus and not one side deciding to surprise the other and the other one hinting and pretending to be surprised.

LawnFever · 07/05/2021 15:51

What did he say three years ago when you told him you didn’t want to get married? Did he agree? What if he still feels that way?

If he does he’s done nothing wrong, you can’t expect him to change his mind entirely because you have.

If you’ve changed your mind talk to him, getting married isn’t about surprise romantic proposals, you need to have a conversation about this.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/05/2021 16:05

I think you need to see how your DP feels about getting engaged and married. Your plans seem very one sided, as though it's only your decision.

NotaCoolMum · 07/05/2021 21:43

@edwinbear

This!

Seeingadistance · 08/05/2021 00:18

FFS!

My advice to your DP would be to run!

DateXY · 08/05/2021 08:05

@MindtheBelleek

The only way he is going to know any of this is if you tell him.

Exactly.

@Silverstrands
Also be prepared for the reality that he may not want to get married to you, and perhaps never did.

If you're living together already, you're already allowing him to have all the benefits of a wife but with none of the commitment and legal responsibilities to you and the kids (if any of them are his).

Many men like things this way as they get to have their cake and eat it, and have an easy escape route out of the relationship where he can keep the vast majority of his financial assets to himself rather than fairly sharing with you/the kids in the event of a split. That may have been one of his motivating factors for continuing the relationship with you in the first place.

If he's honest he will tell you straight if he doesn't want to get married and commit. Or if he's less honest, make the right noises when you discuss it but never actually propose, or he proposes but doesnt go through with the marriage or he makes the common fob-off excuse of "children being more commitment than a marriage" (since when?? Tell that to the many millions of deadbeat dads and those who easily dodge giving adequate child support!). Before any discussion, think through what you will accept and not accept.

Sssloou · 08/05/2021 09:39

@edwinbear

Cringe.

Your poor kids having to be part of this pantomime.

Meowchickameowmeow · 08/05/2021 09:45

So seeing as I totally put him off, what’s the chances of a surprise romantic proposal?

I'm going to go with zero chance. You made your feelings about it perfectly clear, he isn't a mind reader who knows you've now changed your mind. If you feel differently have a proper grown-up discussion, don't embarrass everyone involved by dropping not so subtle hints.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2021 09:48

Either he wasn’t bothered either in which case why you do expect him to change his mind now just because you might have? Or he was but has respected your reluctance so he’s probably accepted marriage isn’t on the cards.

You’re not going to get a surprise proposal. That would be ridiculous. If you want to stage manage a showy thing yourself then you can but it’s mighty risky when he might not say yes. Or only say yes to spare yours and all of the DC’s feelings. Or some or all of the DC object and it’s ruined anyway.

Fundamentally you obviously shouldn’t get engaged unless you plan to get married. You’re basically asking for a big gesture and a piece of jewellery. So have a birthday party and buy it yourself. But you’re also being daft to think about any of it like this. You’re adults. Have children and responsibilities. If your feelings have changed then TALK TO HIM.

If you can’t be open and honest you shouldn’t stay with him never mind marry him...

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