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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a confidence boost

34 replies

manderleydreams · 06/05/2021 20:27

Leaving my husband tomorrow, taking my DD and going into rented after years of abuse.

Long story short. Been with my husband 20 years, I’m 38 now. He has controlled me, belittled me, had affairs, financially abused me for years. He is a high earner, I’m a part time teacher, but every bit of credit- mortgages, cars, credit cards have always been in my name. So although I’ve wanted to leave for years I’ve never seen a way out. Every time I’ve tried to leave he has made such a fuss that I just haven’t had the strength.

Until now. And to say it’s been a hard road is an understatement. I’m a shadow of myself and barely have an ounce of fight left in me.

He ‘agreed’ a separation and that I would stay in the family home with DD but he wouldn’t agree to a rota to see our daughter and this ended up with him just coming and going whenever he pleased. It wasn’t a separation at all.

He never thought I’d actually leave so has been quite surprised that I’ve gone and sourced a house to rent for me and DD. I’ve had weeks of abuse about this. Hundreds of messages telling me I’m a bad mother for taking her away from the lovely family home into rented.

He even told me he was going to get a prohibited steps order (which I knew he couldn’t do). Today I found out that he’d been to the rental house to tell the landlord that I couldn’t afford the house (I can) and that there was an injunction against me to move there (there isn’t). Luckily the landlord saw through him and just called me.

So tonight I’m packing my things into bin liners. Heartbroken that it’s come to this, scared for the future.

I can’t see him just letting me go. I don’t know if I can keep taking all of his abuse and manage to make all of these huge changes in my life.

I’m just so scared and fed up. I look at my little girl and my heart is breaking for her. She deserves better than this.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 06/05/2021 20:30

It sounds like you are going to make it better.
Good luck, you’re very brave 💐
And if he gets nasty call the police.

sophmum31 · 06/05/2021 20:36

Your DD does deserve better and that is what you are giving her by being so brave. Be ready and don't hesitate to call the police if you are threatened. You can do this and build a much better life for you both. Please stay strong xx

Original poster
manderleydreams · 06/05/2021 21:10

Thank you both. I just have to keep repeating to myself that this is the tough bit but I’ll come through the other end at some point.

He’s now messaged me to say that he won’t take DD to school on Monday morning. He knows I can’t get her there on time due to my early working hours and this is a day that he has always taken her in.

So now I’ve got to sort that too.

He pushing and pushing for me to break.

OP posts:
autumnalrain · 06/05/2021 21:11

You sound amazing! I don’t know you and I’m so proud of you. You are an incredible mother for the shear fact that you are willing to go through these next through months of stress and uncertainty for a better future for your daughter.

The only reason your ex is scrambling is because he’s intimidating by the woman he sees you have become, which is far from the woman he tried to break down for so long.

It won’t be easy, but trust me it will be worth it! Good luck OP Flowers

litterbird · 06/05/2021 21:38

Sending you all the love and support over the internet. Well done for taking these difficult steps. You will never break......ever. Over time his constant attacking you will have no power on you and you will slowly but surely become strong and claim all your power back. Keep going you are doing brilliantly.

Doitorwait · 06/05/2021 21:56

You can do this, you're doing it and have it all planned. Once you're gone you won't have to endure this abuse anymore. He will be getting meaner as he's losing control of the situation and is struggling to control you. Take what you need, get out Asap and start enjoying life without him.
He's clearly not great with boundaries (still being there when he likes after you split previously) I would suggest not letting him come inside your home for at least a good while and until he stops the abuse.
He's making it as difficult as possible in hopes you'll think you can't cope without him. If you can, ask one of your at childs school friends parents to help with drop offs that day, you can return the favour by collecting the kids one day or something. People will be keen to help you as they then have someone to call on when they need it too. Give it a few weeks of your new routine and you'll be doing great.

loveyourself2020 · 06/05/2021 22:21

Dear OP you can do this. You already did the hardest part, made the decision and told you husband, the rest will be much easier. I am also in the process of separation that I instigated and can totally feel you. Some days I feel so sick, I think I will die. My DH has never been physical with me but I felt emotionally and financially abused for sure. We have been together 26 years and I finally called it quits. He was shocked and still is, we are in the process of separating it is killing me. The guilt is enormous. We have not yet told our kids and I am dreading it. However, I keep telling myself, I deserve to be happy, I have to be true to myself, I deserve to be loved and cared for, respected and appreciated. It is hard. Most days feel physically sick, but I know that once things start moving it will get better. Hang in there. Lets give each other support. Sending you lots of love and careFlowers

pog100 · 06/05/2021 22:25

You are fucking fantastic. You are great to be able to do this against those odds. He is a weak little wanker who is panicking as he sees his power over you crumble. Stick through it and he will crumble too. You've got this OP. You are the better person, you have right on your side. You are teaching your daughter how to be a strong woman. Good luck!

HollowTalk · 06/05/2021 22:28

Congratulations on getting out. He sounds horrific.

Please don't take on all that debt on your own, OP. You need to speak to a solicitor about the finances. Don't agree to anything he suggests as he'll want to screw you afterwards just as much as he has done for years.

Have a very happy life without him.

Onthedunes · 06/05/2021 22:33

Are you safe tonight, will he become angry now that leaving day is arriving.

Where is he?

Froglette16 · 06/05/2021 22:53

OP as others have said you are incredible and brave and doing 100% the right thing by you and your daughter. I’d suggest initially sleeping in the same room with her until you know how your ex is going to behave. Keep your mobile fully charged and maybe invest in a loud panic button. He knows where you’re moving to. Take every precaution possible. I don’t mean to upset you or worry you but men like this can be unpredictable. I wish you all the best for your new life. Please talk to us here if you’re concerned about anything. Sending love and strength! 🌹🌹🌹You can do this and you’re doing it for all the right reasons. Don’t look back. xx

Feminem · 06/05/2021 23:13

Well done op. Don't let him win. He's doing his best to break you but he forgets that he is simply a man. You are a woman and strong. I admire you.

Good luck! You will be happier.

bullyingadvice2017 · 06/05/2021 23:17

Keep going. Won't take her to school, ppffft. What a twat he is. Get into your new home. Make sure he never steps foot over the doorstep and keep it your safe space. Any bullshit at all call the police. Every.single.time. show him from the off that you will not be standing for his bullying.

Original poster
manderleydreams · 06/05/2021 23:41

Thank you so much everyone. Literally crying as I read these messages.

He has an extremely forceful personality. He’s never been violent, but he’s difficult to argue against- I’ve seen this with his own family and even on the phone with people in call centres etc He will relentlessly argue until someone backs down. His total belief in himself means that he is so difficult to deal with.

He will be underhand, calling the estate agent with lies about me is just one recent example. He’s furious that I’m moving, even now telling me that I don’t have the guts to do it. I know I’ve got more to come.

He won’t be coming into my new house. He’s refusing to say when he will see our daughter...just that he will see her when he wants.

The sad thing is I wouldn’t even stop him from seeing her, I’ve just requested that we have some kind of arrangement instead of him turning up.

The thing is I work part time as a teacher but could easily go full time which would make things financially better for me. But he’s refusing to arrange childcare so I’m not even in a position to go full time as Im the main carer.

So he gets to work and earn money..and then just see his daughter when it suits. It’s pretty much the same as being married to him but I have to pay a full set of bills on my own.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 06/05/2021 23:47

Divorce him and sort out childcare and maintenance.

Keep safe, have you got someone who could help you with the move?

x

B1rdflyinghigh · 06/05/2021 23:49

He was always going to make life difficult. You'll learn about breakfast groups and after school groups. Work full time and arrange things around yourself. I did it, you can do it too.
But a great big well done for leaving an arsehole. I will happily hold your hand

CatWillSaveMe · 07/05/2021 00:06

Well done @manderleydreams. Imagine you stayed and your DD picked exactly the same kind of man for herself as that’s all she knows as ‘normal’. When you look at her remind herself that you are doing this because indeed she deserves better. And there is no alternative. Short term pain will be worth long term gain.
Having in mind your h already started telling lies about you behind your back I think you should speak to work and make them aware of the situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes moves to discredit you at work as well. Is there anyone who could help you out with childcare whilst you go through this, a friend of family member?
Flowers

Opentooffers · 07/05/2021 00:08

Teaching profession is perfect as a single mum, there are usually breakfast and after school clubs.
It's good he's a high earner and will be great for you to divorce him so you can get access to it all - and he has to cover the debt. You will be so much better off without him, both financially and emotionally.

Original poster
manderleydreams · 07/05/2021 00:16

I have thought about this. And the thought fills me with dread. The humiliation would be terrible, he knows that and I would use it. He’s used it as leverage in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
manderleydreams · 07/05/2021 00:18

I do have family to help. My mum especially knows what he can be like and has worried for years about his controlling behaviour.

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 07/05/2021 06:15

Good luck @manderleydreams make sure you've got any paperwork and yes to speaking to work,dd's school etc. You're amazing!

DinosaurDiana · 07/05/2021 07:52

I wouldn’t even consider him if he’s not prepared to arrange set times to see your DD. Organise your job and childcare to suit you.
And he’s being very unkind to your DD as she needs to know when she is going to see him. She needs him to provide stability from his side,

15HLMC · 09/05/2021 00:30

You'll be fine! You are showing your DD that you are putting both of your happiness and future first, that's an incredible lesson to teach her.

It will be tough at first, but it will be worth it in the end!

You've got this xx

JullyNea · 09/05/2021 00:51

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CatWillSaveMe · 09/05/2021 09:07

How are you today @manderleydreams? Hope you and your daughter are safe.