Need a confidence boost

[manderleydreams]

Leaving my husband tomorrow, taking my DD and going into rented after years of abuse.

Long story short. Been with my husband 20 years, I’m 38 now. He has controlled me, belittled me, had affairs, financially abused me for years. He is a high earner, I’m a part time teacher, but every bit of credit- mortgages, cars, credit cards have always been in my name. So although I’ve wanted to leave for years I’ve never seen a way out. Every time I’ve tried to leave he has made such a fuss that I just haven’t had the strength.

Until now. And to say it’s been a hard road is an understatement. I’m a shadow of myself and barely have an ounce of fight left in me.

He ‘agreed’ a separation and that I would stay in the family home with DD but he wouldn’t agree to a rota to see our daughter and this ended up with him just coming and going whenever he pleased. It wasn’t a separation at all.

He never thought I’d actually leave so has been quite surprised that I’ve gone and sourced a house to rent for me and DD. I’ve had weeks of abuse about this. Hundreds of messages telling me I’m a bad mother for taking her away from the lovely family home into rented.

He even told me he was going to get a prohibited steps order (which I knew he couldn’t do). Today I found out that he’d been to the rental house to tell the landlord that I couldn’t afford the house (I can) and that there was an injunction against me to move there (there isn’t). Luckily the landlord saw through him and just called me.

So tonight I’m packing my things into bin liners. Heartbroken that it’s come to this, scared for the future.

I can’t see him just letting me go. I don’t know if I can keep taking all of his abuse and manage to make all of these huge changes in my life.

I’m just so scared and fed up. I look at my little girl and my heart is breaking for her. She deserves better than this.

Hi everyone, well it’s been a tough weekend...but I’m in! We have a lovely little home which I’ve made nice for me and DD.

Ex has literally bombarded me all weekend with emails (I’ve blocked him on everything else but for some reason I can’t block his email) telling me how he’s going to take everything from me, I’m a bad mum etc etc

So his reasoning is that I left the family home (big detached in nice area) to live in a terraced house in the next village. I’ve had constant threats of him applying to take my daughter from me through the courts. The house I’ve moved to is in a nice enough area and it’s certainly more than comfortable inside. He’s talking as though I’ve taken her to a war zone when he’s offered us to live in luxury.

What he doesn’t understand is that I’ve lived for years with his abuse, I won’t go into all of the detail but I really really suffered and would have more than enough evidence to prove that I was coercively, emotionally and financially controlled.

He’s also seeing my daughter whenever he wants at the moment. She’s 8 and has an iCloud account on her iPad which he can call her on and he offers to take her out so I then have to go and drop her at the old house.
He won’t arrange a rota but I’m agreeing to how he sees her just because he said he would take her off the street if I didn’t let her have contact with him. And I don’t want her to go through anything like that.

On Monday I have a zoom meeting with a mediator which he has agreed to do also. I will be going through all of this with them and if he doesn’t agree then it will go to court...which it will.

I’m exhausted, not sleeping, got to navigate school, work and after school activities this week.

But I know I’ve got to just keep on going. He wants me to break.

Thank you so much for all of the kind and confidence boosting messages!

Are you getting any support? Speak to Women's Aid or domestic abuse services in your area, you don't have to do this on your own.

Have you spoken to a solicitor at all? You don't mention having done so, just talked about what your husband will or won't agree. I'm not sure one would recommend moving out of the marital home, but I can see it's one way out for you. But you could be missing some tricks on things you can do legally, such as a non-molestation order.

Please make sure you are keeping a record of his harassment. It's not OK for him to be causing trouble with the estate agent etc.

You need legal back-up and could do with the support of people trained in domestic abuse.

What a woman you are! Keep pushing forward because it will grow your self esteem no end. Every obstacle he puts in your way that you overcome is another victory! This is a very inspiring thread x

UPDATE

Well things got worse. The harassment continued and despite me blocking all calls he managed to call me on an 0845 number as I was driving to work the other morning. I kept on cutting the phone off and the last thing I heard him say was that if I didn’t speak to him he was coming to my workplace to cause a scene.

This was my last straw, I drove to work crying but also called 101 to report the harassment.

Made a statement and put a non molestation order in.

However, social services are now involved and I would never have spoken to the police if I’d have thought this would happen. I’m so upset. I was so clear to them that our child was safe and I didn’t want anything to be connected to her. She’s loved, well cared for and happy.

And now I just feel utterly sick. Social services want to speak to me, Husband and her.

I can’t believe this is my life

Dear OP I know that you do not want to make big deal out of this, you want it all to go away, you want to live separated from you DH and get on with your life. The thing is this IS big deal. What he is doing is very, very wrong and has to be stopped. You know, often in life, things have to get worse before they get better. They will get better, I am certain, you just have to be patient. But you have to deal with this now.
Hugs

Try not to see the SS getting involved as a bad thing - they may be able to help you. Be honest about the abuse.

SS will see it for what it is I am sure. Controlling husband, caring mum. They’ll see your daughter is cared for but I appreciate it must be so stressful. You are amazing so well done for getting away from him.

You are amazing! Well done on doing all of that yourself: working as a teacher, raising your daughter and leaving this awful man.
Please get a shit hot lawyer and protect yourself even further. You say you have plenty of evidence for financial abuse (and more)- use it and start getting what you are entitled to and what will make life easier for you and your children.
Wishing you lots of happiness in the future- it will take some time but eventually you will reap the rewards of your bravery 💐

SS will see that you are putting your daughter first and can offer you help and support through this awful time. Take all the support you can as you will need it. Well done op you are doing amazing keep strong.