MIL

[yesterdaygirl]

Me and my Husband has just moved into a new home it's quite a grand place and in the middle of nowhere and we only live a stone throw from Mil which in the beginning I was happy about but now I'm starting to regret it . I've not know mil for years as this is both our second marriage so I'm not close to her at all ! I've always found she has answer for everything or acts like a know it all or wants to be in the thick of it all !

When we first told her we brought this house the MIL started doing walks with friends and walking past the house and saying this is my sons house kind of showing off in a way and then when she saw the person who was then the seller of the house she made sure she went up to them telling them her son was buying this house and then acting to us as she is on first names terms with these ppl !
I understand she is proud of her son but I'm quite a private person and I felt telling ppl we didn't know were we was going to be living there was not on really !

Fast Forward to day we moved in she just could not wait in a over the top way to come and help us she just walk in and started to unpack boxes asking me were I wanted everything she just didn't give you a chance to even put the boxes down and I didn't like it that she started opening boxes without asking first and to be honest she was not very helpful !
It was then I felt she is just a very nosey person not something I noticed before !

We are now a couple of weeks into us settling in when she first come round she went straight into my kitchen and started helping herself to tea and making it for everyone else instead of waiting for me to offer to make the tea I just hated the fact she started opening and going in my cupboards like she thinks she has a right to

I've had a word with hubby and we end up having a argument as he says I'm over reacting and she is excited that we now live near her and all she is doing is being helpful and wants to help which I don't want or we don't need either as there is nothing she can do anyway she is elderly

Yesterday she turns up at our house with food for hubby in a box from her own house ( btw we are in our 50s I was not meant to be there but I'd made sure there was lots of food in as I did a huge shop in the morning as going away for the night / day ) but then starts helping herself to pot and pans and going through my draws and cupboards starts helping herself and don't know how to use cooker ! I left them to it !

But then found out she had offered to make dinner for him round her house but he said come to our with a plate of food but it ended up with her coming to make food for him and FIL as well !
It just really made me annoyed and my hubby knew I was not happy and I think MiL knew I was not happy either.

So how do I stop her doing this in the future without falling out with her ! and it not happening again I feel she is overriding me and coming in and being quite disrespectful to my space by thinking she can walk in and do as she likes and i just don't like it I feel it's very intrusive !
I would never dream of just walking into her house and start helping myself to cups of tea and by opening all her cupboards ect I would always ask for something and wait to be asked for a cup of tea it's just general manners !

I may be overreacting and you might be thinking it's not a big deal like my hubby says but I don't think I am! I'd be interested to know views maybe I come from a family thats just don't have these values and I just don't want to keep having arguments with hubby over mil .

I’d welcome in any close relative in this manner and all my family do this - sister, bro in law, aunts, grandparents, cousins etc......
why can’t you just welcome her into your life and home?
Yes I would put a few boundaries in, so you’re not disturbed all the time. Like saying you want a day to yourself and no visitors however when she’s at yours why wouldn’t you want her to feel at home?
Again, if she was going through your bedroom drawers or private office stuff that would be different, but tea and coffee? You need to get over yourself!
You sound like an Alfa female jealous of another woman on your turf which is ridiculous

Sounds like it's not just MIL you don't know very well. You don't seem to have got to know her son very well either.

You are not being too sensitive here nor have you overreacted. The writing though was on the wall before now though; their unhealthy relationship goes back many years.

Whose idea was it to move so very close to his mother; was it your husband's?.

You mention FIL very briefly; what is he like?. Is he also a bystander who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?.

His mother is at the very least, not an emotionally safe person to be at all around. Your H here is also a problem too in that he has reverted to child like mode and he cannot and will not stand up for himself or you. Their's is an unhealthy codependent relationship and it will likely be ever so. His mother's behaviours could well be one of many reasons as to why his first marriage failed.

Who is letting her into your home?. How does she gain access?. Please tell me she does not have a key!!. She has no boundaries and is overstepping by coming into your house basically unchallenged and acting like she owns the place (which in her mind she does); your H cannot stop her (because he is far more afraid of upsetting her than he ever would be of you and that is also why he's accused you of overreacting) and you worry about potentially falling out with her!. Well I would not worry about her because she does not like you and never has done; women like his mother cannot do relationships and see other women as a threat or otherwise not good enough for their darling boy (in her head only she is good enough). Unless your H can see his mother for what she really is (unlikely); you will be cast here as the Bad Guy and you will be fighting a losing battle with the two of them. His mother will not change (she is both unable and unwilling to cut the apron strings and see that her now adult son has a life of his own) and your H's inertia along with his FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to his mother also hurts him as well as you.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not and his mother is no different. Short of moving asap and this time far away from her you are going to have to assert yourself with them far more than you have done to date. He won't do that so you are going to have to do so.

My MIL is like this tends to take over especially the kitchen. She likes to be helpful and she is, but it does feel like an invasion sometimes, so I totally get what you are saying OP.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, if your DH won’t say anything I think you will need to otherwise it will get worse.

Perhaps you could approach it by saying you like to host family in your home yourself and if you need some help you will ask, make sure DH will support you with this.

Why don't you pop in to hers for a cup of tea and an honest chat. Without DH.
Tell her you're pleased to be living close by, but you're sure she understands that as a mature woman settling into a new home and area, you'd like chance to find your feet and make your own stamp on the house. While she's welcome to visit frequently, you'd rather she did so by request and that she let you host her as a guest.

My mum does this. It's a fucking nightmare. DH didn't think it was too bad until we ended up living with her briefly between house moves and she started inserting herself. If anyone has any advice I'd take it. I've tried everything I can think of. Even when I set clear boundaries "you can visit from 10am until 2pm and we will be having a light lunch" she turns up an hour early (starts phoning both me and DH and hammering on the door saying that there was good traffic), and when it's time to go she'll ask for another cup of tea, or a final wee or whatever, we've taken to "going out" even if we have nowhere to go or she won't leave; she brought the makings of an entire roast dinner when we were moving and expected me to cook it by magic (pans packed). It's horrendous. Sorry I have no advice. But I do empathise.

Your H also needs to be present if you have a chat with his mother. And I would talk to her along the following lines:-"

"We did not appreciate you showing up and letting yourself in. We have told you that we don't want you to show up unless we confirm it's ok. So next time you do that, you won't see or talk to us for (a week, a month, judge accordingly, but keep increasing it if the behavior continues)".

And your DH has to follow through, not answer phone calls from her during that time, promise not to answer the door when she shows up banging. He can have privacy and an adult life with his wife, or he can have his mother.

People who don't live in your home randomly entering it isn't normal and you're allowed to do what's necessary to make it stop.

Talk to your DH.
Reverse the roles - your mother/father coming around while he is there and taking over.

As for being an Alfa (it's Alpha by the way @GoddessKali) female, you actually come across as someone who had absolutely no idea that your MiL was like this, your DH doesn't see anything wrong with it as he has clearly grown up with her behaving like this and it's knocked you for six!

Not every body wants to have their MiL or any relative that they are actually not immediately married to, landing themselves on you in the way that she has.
You can either have a word with MiL yourself (and I'd have a short list of what are the main things you want her to stop doing so that she is very clear) or you can tell your DH to have a word with his parents to make it clear that just because you've moved closer to where they live, they can't drop in on you like this and your DH has to discuss with you before any visits are made for cooking dinner or whatever so that you can make a decision together about things like that.

Ask subtle questions about what MIL was like with the first wife.

If part of why your DH divorced the first wife was because she didn't get on with MIL then some of the suggestions on here will see you in the same boat eventually

Manage this carefully is my advice though I'd be tempted to go to her house and do exactly what she does at yours.. see if the penny drops

@ohnoisaid2much

Ask subtle questions about what MIL was like with the first wife.

If part of why your DH divorced the first wife was because she didn't get on with MIL then some of the suggestions on here will see you in the same boat eventually

Manage this carefully is my advice though I'd be tempted to go to her house and do exactly what she does at yours.. see if the penny drops

I'd actually do exactly this but don't be surprised if she reports back to your DH about how you were rummaging in her cupboards and being nosey and your DH raises this with you.

The Ex wife didn't like the MiL at all there was a falling out over the grandchildren she tried to tell her how she should bring them up.
FiL is very nice guy I like him a lot but he don't say much he likes a easy life I've heard her losing her patience with him and bosses him about
I have also noticed the son in law is very quiet in her presence it's kind of polite talk and he been married to his sister for years

She don't have a key thank god.

We just had another argument about it and he is like others said making me out to be the bad guy ! I'm the one with the problem! He is not listening to me either and not tacking on board how I feel.

OP,

Sounds like you have been tricked into living close to your MIL.

Your husband has been very dishonest with you.

You have made two mistakes, marrying him and moving close to his mother.

Make a decision as to what you want.

An utterly stressful unhappy life where your opinion does not matter.

Or divorce.

You are not a priority for your husband his mother is.

Don't unpack anymore boxes.

Tell your husband you want to pack up and sell the house.

You've made a huge mistake marrying this man. His mother will dominate your life and your mummy's boy of a husband won't stop this.

You'll have to divorce him or remain a passenger in your own life.

Sorry OP you’ve bagged yourself a common or garden lesser spotted mummy’s boy (a species particularly native to the British Isles).

Seriously your options are limited and there is no middle ground. (How can you tell I have direct experience of similar MiL issues!)

There is no time for pussy footing around. Tell your husband right now that he must choose between alienating his mother by telling her to desist from overstepping (and reiterating as many times as necessary) or alienating you if he doesn’t. Give him a week to choose then leave him if he won’t tell MiL to desist.

Or resign yourself to a life of simmering resentment.....

Am I missing something?

Nothing you've said sounds bad to me. Actually, a lot of it makes her sound lovely.

You need to BITE.

And also BITE your H.

Ask him if he wants a. A divorce, after which mummy can come and take over the empty kitchen as much as she likes, or b. a happy marriage where he's had the balls to back you, tell his mother to respect your joint space and stop acting like she's top dog, and everyone is happy.

@OrchestraOfWankery

You've made a huge mistake marrying this man. His mother will dominate your life and your mummy's boy of a husband won't stop this.

You'll have to divorce him or remain a passenger in your own life.

Sadly this.

Or...

Patiently work through this with the understanding that you need your husband on board to get some boundaries in place. You won't get him on board by complaining about his mother.

Do try a different approach if you can

I think the walking by the house, telling her friend and speaking to the house seller is relatively normal, those kind if things wouldn't bother me and neither would the unpacking. I think it just seems like she was really excited to see you.

The food thing is weird though. Why wouldn't you also be invited for the dinner/her cook your tea? I don't understand that bit.

@JemimaJoy

Am I missing something?

Nothing you've said sounds bad to me. Actually, a lot of it makes her sound lovely.

I know, I think some responses are a bit drastic.

I guess that you have thankfully not come across a woman like OPs mother then because if you had, you would think far differently.
What is drastic on your eyes about some of the responses, what would you suggest OP does?. I really do not think you would tolerate this behaviour in your own home.

The bit I do not understand very well is where she made food for the son only leaving the OP out ?
What kind of a person does something like that??

Yesterdaysgirl
re your comments in quote marks

"The Ex wife didn't like the MiL at all there was a falling out over the grandchildren she tried to tell her how she should bring them up".

Not surprised to read any of that given your MILs present behaviour; this is indeed representative as to how such disordered of thinking women behave. She was likely a large factor in why his first marriage failed.

"FiL is very nice guy I like him a lot but he don't say much he likes a easy life I've heard her losing her patience with him and bosses him about"

He is a bystander and her willing enabler (women like your MIL always need such a person to help them). I would not let him off the hook here at all. I note also they are still together; he gets what he wants out of that relationship.

"I have also noticed the son in law is very quiet in her presence it's kind of polite talk and he been married to his sister for years"

Again learnt behaviour from observation. I would think the son in law and his wife stay well away from them and understandably if so.

She don't have a key thank god.
Good, keep it that way

"We just had another argument about it and he is like others said making me out to be the bad guy ! I'm the one with the problem! He is not listening to me either and not tacking on board how I feel".

And he will not listen because apart from being mired in inertia (which leaves him unable and unwilling to at all tackle his mother's behaviours), he is completely mired in fear, obligation and guilt. He really does think that his mother must not ever be upset under any circumstances, Bad Things will happen to him if they did.

You have a choice here to make re him and indeed you've been suckered into both marrying him and moving to this house near his parents. This will be your life going forward because he will not change readily if at all either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I guess that you have thankfully not come across a woman like OPs mother then because if you had, you would think far differently. What is drastic on your eyes about some of the responses, what would you suggest OP does?. I really do not think you would tolerate this behaviour in your own home.

You're obviously projecting an experience you've had onto what the OP has posted. The first part is totally normal. The helping to unpack is normal. The only thing I can't understand is the food thing.

you clearly have MIL issues @AttilaTheMeerkat but that doesn't mean what the OP has posted is the same situation.

It's clear the OP just doesn't like her MIL and whatever MIL does will be wrong.

Its far more problematic that just mere dislike so your argument falls down. Not all relative are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive!!!.

What do you make of this comment the OP herself made re the MIL:-

"The Ex wife didn't like the MiL at all there was a falling out over the grandchildren she tried to tell her how she should bring them up".

I am certain your own MIL does not do this and if she did you would give her short shrift.