Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL

34 replies

yesterdaygirl · 06/05/2021 07:55

Me and my Husband has just moved into a new home it's quite a grand place and in the middle of nowhere and we only live a stone throw from Mil which in the beginning I was happy about but now I'm starting to regret it . I've not know mil for years as this is both our second marriage so I'm not close to her at all ! I've always found she has answer for everything or acts like a know it all or wants to be in the thick of it all !

When we first told her we brought this house the MIL started doing walks with friends and walking past the house and saying this is my sons house kind of showing off in a way and then when she saw the person who was then the seller of the house she made sure she went up to them telling them her son was buying this house and then acting to us as she is on first names terms with these ppl !
I understand she is proud of her son but I'm quite a private person and I felt telling ppl we didn't know were we was going to be living there was not on really !

Fast Forward to day we moved in she just could not wait in a over the top way to come and help us she just walk in and started to unpack boxes asking me were I wanted everything she just didn't give you a chance to even put the boxes down and I didn't like it that she started opening boxes without asking first and to be honest she was not very helpful !
It was then I felt she is just a very nosey person not something I noticed before !

We are now a couple of weeks into us settling in when she first come round she went straight into my kitchen and started helping herself to tea and making it for everyone else instead of waiting for me to offer to make the tea I just hated the fact she started opening and going in my cupboards like she thinks she has a right to

I've had a word with hubby and we end up having a argument as he says I'm over reacting and she is excited that we now live near her and all she is doing is being helpful and wants to help which I don't want or we don't need either as there is nothing she can do anyway she is elderly

Yesterday she turns up at our house with food for hubby in a box from her own house ( btw we are in our 50s I was not meant to be there but I'd made sure there was lots of food in as I did a huge shop in the morning as going away for the night / day ) but then starts helping herself to pot and pans and going through my draws and cupboards starts helping herself and don't know how to use cooker ! I left them to it !

But then found out she had offered to make dinner for him round her house but he said come to our with a plate of food but it ended up with her coming to make food for him and FIL as well !
It just really made me annoyed and my hubby knew I was not happy and I think MiL knew I was not happy either.

So how do I stop her doing this in the future without falling out with her ! and it not happening again I feel she is overriding me and coming in and being quite disrespectful to my space by thinking she can walk in and do as she likes and i just don't like it I feel it's very intrusive !
I would never dream of just walking into her house and start helping myself to cups of tea and by opening all her cupboards ect I would always ask for something and wait to be asked for a cup of tea it's just general manners !

I may be overreacting and you might be thinking it's not a big deal like my hubby says but I don't think I am! I'd be interested to know views maybe I come from a family thats just don't have these values and I just don't want to keep having arguments with hubby over mil .

OP posts:
mochamacro · 06/05/2021 14:07

Horehound I am afraid Atilla's assessment is right and I am saying that from my own experience. I have twice been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment: the first time the MIL dismantled the marriage; the second time OH is on my/our team and protects me well from any discourtesy MIL may want (and she really does want) to dish out.

OP, those posters saying MIL absolutely will not change are dead right, nothing can stop the behaviour of a person with no boundaries and a self-appointed free rein in their DC's marriage. They are immovable.
You, however, have a few options - tolerate a third (dominant) person in the marriage, make a likely futile attempt to gain OH's support, or cut your losses and move on. When I chose the latter in my first marriage it was not half as painful as I had feared because I realised pretty quickly that if someone really loves you they have your back. In all things.

HypocriteHunter · 06/05/2021 14:14

Lost me at 50s and using the word ‘hubby’

Although congratulations on your very recent marriage.

Horehound · 06/05/2021 14:14

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Its far more problematic that just mere dislike so your argument falls down. Not all relative are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive!!!.

What do you make of this comment the OP herself made re the MIL:-

"The Ex wife didn't like the MiL at all there was a falling out over the grandchildren she tried to tell her how she should bring them up".

I am certain your own MIL does not do this and if she did you would give her short shrift.

I'd just tell her no, we do it this way End of conversation. I think it's about how you posture yourself, tone you talk and attitude. If you let someone walk all over you, they will.
Horehound · 06/05/2021 14:16

@HypocriteHunter

Lost me at 50s and using the word ‘hubby’

Although congratulations on your very recent marriage.

I agree it's not quite the writing style of someone in their 50's. Hmm
Sunland · 06/05/2021 14:28

I don't think any of this sounds that bad.

HypocriteHunter · 06/05/2021 14:31

Hubby does

averythinline · 06/05/2021 15:34

Sod that ...sounds horrific...can't imagine anyone really being happy with someone else coming in uninvited and starting to cook in my house.... I'm amazed so many people have replied that its ok.....
Anyway you don't like it ..As you are married its as much your house as dh...
Why did you move there? Sounds like you've been duped..

I couldn't live with that and struggling to see a compromise..unless your happy for him to go to hers for his dinner x times a week so they get their time and doesn't interfere with you....he can have mummy time (barf)
You can enjoy having the house to yourself ...might suit some ..
Personally I'd tell him to either grow up or fuck off ...as don't find men children interesting....

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 06/05/2021 18:13

she's marking 'her' territory and walking all over you - she knows full well what she's doing is rude and unacceptable.

Just be upfront and assertive if she pretends to not listen or feigns upset

junebirthdaygirl · 06/05/2021 19:46

I am often on the mil side but seriously this would drive me crazy. Coming in opening up boxes when you are trying to unpack would do my head in as when l move l know where stuff is and need to do it myself.
She is exactly the type of person l couldn't bear in my house and its up to your dh to stop her.
You have my sympathy

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.