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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you just forget this man?

31 replies

CherryLemonade · 05/05/2021 22:50

I met a man on OLD recently. We met three times, each spaced a couple of weeks apart. In between we chatted by message a bit om some/most days.

On the third date I went to his house. He had made lots of effort, prepared nice dinner etc. I made it clear I wasn't staying over but we cuddled/kissed/film and seemed to have a great chemistry. He messaged me when I got home, all good.

That was two weeks ago. The following few days he didn't initiate texting, so I sent him photos etc and he responded very quickly. So i thought he may be shy so I asked him if he'd like to come to mine one evening for dinner/film. He said yes he would like to but would check his work diary. I said 'great, let me know'.

When he didn't respond with a suggested date I wrote him off mentally. But then he kept initiating messaging. Asking how my week was, telling me about his kids etc. He went back to messaging almost daily. He said I made him laugh etc.

Now it's been nearly two weeks since I saw him, even with 50:50 custody of his kids and he's told me a very busy and stressful job, he still hasn't asked to see me or suggested a date to come to my house in response to my invitation.

Would you just bin him off? I'm confused as to why he's initiating messaging etc and saying he finds me funny, sending kiss emojis etc but not getting a date in the diary to see me...

OP posts:

scoobydoo1971 · 05/05/2021 23:08

In the world of OLD, he may have a few irons in the fire and be keeping you as an option. Every man I have been in a serious relationship with, including current one, has always made so much effort to plan dates and keep in touch...it was pretty obvious they were keen. Previous to you going to his house, he made room in his diary for three dates. The last one at his house was perhaps to get you into bed. I wouldn't bin him, but don't make too much effort either...let him ask you out and go 'out' now lockdown is lifting. If he doesn't do that soon, move on.

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 05/05/2021 23:16

The best advice I've heard is that if he's into you, you'll know. If he's not, you'll be confused.

Happycat1212 · 05/05/2021 23:17

Yes I would forget this one

Original poster

CherryLemonade · 05/05/2021 23:18

Thanks, yes makes sense. I agree, when keen then usually they are keen to get a date in the diary even if it's a couple of weeks ahead.

I've been surprised he's kept in contact, he even apologised for being quiet a couple of days when he was v busy with work etc. I find his behaviour odd.

OP posts:

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/05/2021 23:27

What do you mean when you say "so I sent him photos etc"?

Original poster

CherryLemonade · 05/05/2021 23:29

I sent him a photo of me out with my friend, as he knew I was going out. He replied immediately. Then another day he remembered when I was going out with friends and asked how it was etc. Just find it odd he's taking an interest but not arranging a date.

OP posts:

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/05/2021 23:47

Hmmm seems like he doesn't like it when you're out and about...

RantyAnty · 06/05/2021 00:57

Delete and block
He's a game playing waste of time.

Mermaidwaves · 06/05/2021 02:47

He's keeping you as an option, it takes very little effort to send the odd text and emoji, but it's still keeping you hanging so to speak, so many men OLD do this. Cynical old me suspects that he was expecting sex on the infamous third date, especially as it was at his house. As he didn't get it, he's still searching. He probably would have been acting the same after he got sex as most of these men do.

My opinion is that they're not keen if they're not arranging actual dates, I agree with PP that if a man likes you, you'll know. Let this one go unless he massively ups his game, you can do better.

BlackDaffodil · 06/05/2021 03:28

Cut him loose 🌸

Original poster

CherryLemonade · 06/05/2021 05:39

@Mermaidwaves yes he may well have been hoping for sex on the third date at his house. I find it quite rude tbh that I offered him a fourth date at my house but he clearly isn't bothered to get it in the diary.

I stopped initiating any contact after he didn't respond with a date to see me, I'm tempted to say 'as you're too busy with work to see me I guess we are friends now '

He does have a very high pressure and important job, but he's clearly not able/wanting a relationship with me. So glad I didn't sleep with him!

OP posts:

confused1974 · 06/05/2021 05:59

I know we don't play games, but if I see an iron is cooling I take longer and longer to reply. The interest often spikes back up (not mine, I normally get annoyed). So don't text and just space your answers and see what happens.

But I would bin him. I am also OLD and met some people with very high pressured jobs. If they're interested they find the time to see you

Lozzerbmc · 06/05/2021 06:26

I’d forget him. If we really want to do something we find time do it dont we? He may be a serial dater in which case better to know now...

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 06/05/2021 06:53

I stopped initiating any contact after he didn't respond with a date to see me, I'm tempted to say 'as you're too busy with work to see me I guess we are friends now

Why would you say that?

He's not your friend. He's a man you went on 3 dates with who has shown no interest in developing anything further.

That's not how you make friends!

I'd just leave it and not bother replying. Let it fizzle out.

Opentooffers · 06/05/2021 07:20

Agree, do not send that, it says you are annoyed which shows you care, which lets him know he can manipulate you further. He will hook you in a bit more for a while, then revert to same behaviour.
Carry on with other dates, either let it fizzle or tell him you have other dates.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/05/2021 07:21

In the bin with him

JackieWeaverFever · 06/05/2021 07:28

No more replies and bin him.

He doesn't like you, he is a bit bored sometimes.
Also agree with your assessment the effortful dinner was because he expected a shag

Strawberrysaxifrage · 06/05/2021 07:56

Don't send him that as it will act as a prompt and if he's keen after 3 dates, he won't need a prompt. Also, don't spend time on text conversations him. If nothing else it was bad mannered of him not to follow up when you invited him for dinner. No need to consign him to the bin completely but let him invite you out on an actual date now if you're going to continue.

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/05/2021 08:04

Going against the grain here, by maybe he actually IS busy tho? After my first date with my fella (OLD) it was literally about two weeks till I could see him again. And I was MASSIVELY into him (and insanely desperate to sleep with him, which I knew would happen on our second date) and would have moved heaven and earth at that point. With childcare and other responsibilities I just COULDN’T make it work - I recall that I even had an epic row with my mom at one point (I am HUGELY ashamed of this now) because she wouldn’t watch dd for a couple of hours in the day so I could go and meet him for a drink - I literally couldn’t do it!

If you want to see him again suggest a couple of dates that work for you. If he doesn’t respond maybe ask him if he still wants to meet up or not? Then you’ll know.

Just don’t spend ages second-guessing his intentions and wrecking your head. He’s not worth the mental energy - no man is!

Sunflower1970 · 06/05/2021 08:27

Id move on. He’s not interested

Naimee87 · 06/05/2021 08:43

This is the best thing I have heard when thinking about texting. Thanks UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa!! It really isn't worth any energy wondering and trying to work out what someone is doing with their silences, reappearances and trying to decipher emoji meanings. I guess if you do like him then try offering a date, see whether he agrees or again avoids giving you an answer which in itself is an answer. I think these days its so easy to keep people hanging on by reappearing after a few days/weeks of silence especially when its obvious there is keen interest. Maybe there are multiple people he is chatting to so do the same, see what happens when you pull-back. But this does lead into 'playing games' i suppose which is also never fun and despite my confusing message i try to avoid doing this.

bangheadhere40 · 06/05/2021 08:44

Just let it fizzle out

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 06/05/2021 08:49

@Lovelydiscusfish

If you want to see him again suggest a couple of dates that work for you. If he doesn’t respond maybe ask him if he still wants to meet up or not? Then you’ll know.

Just don’t spend ages second-guessing his intentions and wrecking your head. He’s not worth the mental energy - no man is!

If he were genuinely interested and busy, she would knpwnthat he had been making the same efforts as you did but it just wasn't possible.

It's not up to the OP to demean herself by offering loads of alternatives. He's an adult, he can do that too.

Even if she doesn't bin him off, she should be stepping back and letting him make the effort now.

Changingchange · 06/05/2021 08:49

If they’re keen, you definitely definitely know. Don’t settle OP.

HadToPutTheHeatingOn · 06/05/2021 08:52

@Lozzerbmc

I’d forget him. If we really want to do something we find time do it dont we? He may be a serial dater in which case better to know now...

There have been occasions where I've been so busy with work that I just didn't have the time - important/immoveable deadlines etc. It's not always that simple but I wouldn't leave someone wondering what was going on either.

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