Darling Mother

[YummieMummyof3]

I have always had a troubled relationship with my DM. I am glad that I have left home a long time ago. She still has the ability to really upset set with her cutting comments. Today has been a good example. I am a shift worker and every day I have off she invites herself over. My DH is working from home. When she arrives she seems to fill the house. She is loud and makes her presence known. DH has told me that he finds it impossible to concentrate when she is here and has asked if she visit later in the afternoon just before he finishes for the day.
DH had an important zoom meeting at 1.00pm
Today she announced she was coming this afternoon. I told her I would collect her in my car around 2.30 pm.
I was getting changed around 12.45 pm and the door bell rang. It was DM.
She smirked I thought I would save you the bother of collecting me and I came on the bus.
DH quietly took me aside and asked me to take her out as he had an important meeting.
I asked her if she would like to go shopping at Bluewater shopping centre. Her eyes light up and behaves in a child like manner. I say we need to go as DH has a important work. She snarled you know how to make me feel unwelcome. Maybe I shouldn't have come. She was in a mood while I was driving. I brought her quite a few treats. Brought her back to mine. Fed her, she was critical about the meal. I took her home.
Now received a phone call about making her feel unwelcome. The meal was not up to standard and feels her daughter should treat her better.
Now I am crying as i feel like a naughty toddler. How do I break this cycle?

You'll get everyone telling you to go NC, but it's not as easy as that is it?

She sounds exceptionally similar to mine. She's difficult, contrary, controlling and occasionally spiteful. She claims to love me.

I only keep the relationship going because of my child, her grandchild.

I have no real advice, but a virtual arm around your shoulder as I know how hard it can be.

I would certainly lower all interactions with her going forward. If she turns up at your house do not answer the door. Whatever you do will never be good enough for her and she has not changed fundamentally since your childhood. What if anything do you know about her childhood, that often gives clues. I would also think your DH cannot at all abide her either.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Where is your dad here, I ask only as he is not mentioned. Do you have siblings, if so how does she treat them?.

Where are your boundaries here with regards to your mother? She is supremely selfish, acts childlike and does not give a fig about you as her now adult daughter.

You will never get the approval you seek from her ever so I would cease in buying her treats and cooking for her. Don’t answer the phone to her either from now on.

You would not tolerate a friend treating you like this and your mother is no different, you do not owe her anything let alone a relationship.

I would suggest you read Toxic parents by Susan Forward as a starting point as well as the Out of the FOG website. Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt re your mother through therapy. I would also suggest you have a read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

FrankiesKnuckle

A good rule of thumb here is that if a parent is too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too. Not all relatives by any means are emotionally safe to be around and children rely on parents to provide good guidance. She should not be seeing any of you.

You won't ever get it right with her - as in, sadly, she will never be the mother you want (and deserve). She may feel you should treat her "better" but what she really means is that you and your DH should do every single thing she wants (although even if you did, she would still criticise). Which is obviously ridiculous.

I can guarantee pretty much everyone else in the world will think she should treat you (and your DH) better.

I have not been unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of this kind of lifelong abuse (for that is what it is, whether she knows it or not) but I would guess the only things you can change are 1) the way you feel inside, ie, the way you understand her behaviour and what your expectations are; and 2) the way you behave with her. the boundaries you learn to set.

Reclaiming your autonomy and power in this situation will doubtless be very very painful to begin with and cause all kinds of ridiculous and nasty accusations from your mother. But then, whatever cayused it, she is a ridiculous person. So you should not be surprised if she kicks off.

You and your husband deserve your own peace at home though. You really really really do.

Reading that, it was like someone attempting to bribe a toddler to behave better, but getting a screaming tantrum anyway. It's an appeasement strategy.

What do you want out of your relationship with her?

It sounds as though she needs to know you put her first in all things, no matter what. She's forcing you to prove your love to her, over and over.

I had to learn sharpish to reset my expectations- my mum wasn't like other mums, she didn't put me first or care about how I was. What she wants is the appearance of relationship, and someone to listen to her and do things for her. Once I realised that I was able to go through the motions with no emotional cost to myself.

You need to work out what you want.
You can play her games- do and say things that make her feel highly valued, while making sure she doesn't actually cause trouble in your home. That's a bit convoluted, but it's low key and not dramatic.
You can actively cut her off- but she might cause a huge drama.

While you think about it, go 'grey rock'. Make yourself really uninteresting to her, don't tell her about your hopes and dreams, plans etc.

And have a few clear boundaries- no, no visitors, Fred's working. I'll meet you at the park/coffee shop etc.

I sorted this out by moving 400 miles away and claiming my bad back stops me from driving that far. Works for me.

I asked her if she would like to go shopping at Bluewater shopping centre. Her eyes light up and behaves in a child like manner. I say we need to go as DH has a important work. She snarled you know how to make me feel unwelcome. Maybe I shouldn't have come.
Maybe next time you could use this as an opportunity to say "well, from now on, it would be better if you asked if it was a convenient day to visit - as you know dh is working and I have other plans."

She was in a mood while I was driving. I brought her quite a few treats. Brought her back to mine. Fed her, she was critical about the meal. I took her home.
How do you respond to her criticisms? Does anyone ever pull her up on it?

I think your best bet if you're going to continue a relationship with her is to start setting boundaries. If she invites herself on an inconvenient day or monopolises your days off, yo need to say "no mum, today isn't convenient, I'll see you [x day]". If she kicks off, you just say "sorry you feel angry/upset, but I am planning to see you [x day]" and stay firm. If she turns up anyway, you meet her on the doorstep going out with the car-keys and say "sorry Mum this isn't convenient, as I said to you earlier, I have other plans for today, I can drop you back home now or are you getting the bus back?"

Do you honestly want to spend every one of your days of with her?

Does your husband?

Read back what you have written as if you were your friend.

A woman turned up to your house uninvited at a time you had already told her was inconvenient. As a reward for this you took her out shopping and bought her gifts. You then made her a meal. At the end of the day instead of thanking you, she was rude about the meal, didn't thank you for the gifts and made you cry.

What would you tell a friend if someone was treating them like this?

She will never be the mum you want her to be, she will never be grateful or loving or supportive. Please take your days off back for you and your husband.

Set boundaries today. Ignore her childish sulk. Call her and just tell her that she cannot call around unannounced anymore. Your dh is working so she is not allowed to rock up when the mood takes her. Would she call into your work place unannounced and make a nuisance of herself? Probably not, so why does she assume it's ok to disregard your Dh working at home? You need to be firm and if she gets annoyed let her stew. I wouldn't pander to her or invite her over for some time. If you really want to continue seeing her then go to hers or meet up for a coffe but make sure she knows your house is a no go area while Dh is working from now on.

Call her back and tell her;
Her attitude and behaviour is rude and upsetting and you won't tolerate it anymore, especially as her toddler tantrums are embarrassing.
And You will call her when you are next free to see her

Well played, Darling Mother! You are a very good marionette dancing on her strings! (Mine was exactly the same, btw...) You bribed her to cheer her up repeatedly instead of telling her to go home & come back when she can behave graciously - and treat you with some manners.

Work outcome stragies to take the wind out of her sails if you aren't ready to go NC (unfortunately these scenarios rarely end well as they don't get better, usually worse)

She complains ir criticises you - have a broken record phrase ready ie what you are satisfied unkind/unfair and if you continue I will walk away/put the phone down. If she carries on repeat.

Monopolising your day off - tell her it's not convenient to see her. Don't explain. Repeat if necessary. If she turns up, don't answer the door.

Get some counselling or therapy to extract yourself from her enmeshed. She's treating you like she owns you.

Dm turns up unexpectedly- don't answer the door to her. You told her it wasn't convenient, she ignored, you rewarded her by letting her in.

In the short term don't tell her your shift schedule and ask your dh to answer the door if she turns up uninvited and tell her it isn't convenient.

in the longterm get yourself some counselling to extract yourself from this toxic dynamic.

Thank you all for responding to me.
I have found the comments empowering. I am really grateful.
A bit of back ground information. I am an only child. I have no real close family apart from my DH and 3 DS. My Father sadly passed away 10 years ago. I was very close to him. I believe that she is quite lonely, however does have a poisonous clique of fiends. I have found out that she paid for a woman to go on holiday with her. She has also given money to this woman's adult child as they needed it. She has reminded me that who she gives money to is none of my business. I have struggled many times and never received financial support.
I do try and give her as little information as possible. However, I can guarantee one DS will tell her something.

It's tough when you're an only child and it all falls on you (but on the bright side at least you don't have a golden child sibling who swans around rubbing your nose in it ). Try not to let the fear Obligation and Guilt control you in your relationship with her.

It is OK to say no to her, it is OK for her to be pissed off with you if you don't jump to her commands, it is OK for her not to get what she wants. It is not OK for her to monopolise all your free time, put a wedge in between you and your dh nor to make you feel shit.

It sounds like you handled it very well today. But you need to get more firm about when she can turn up at your house in the first place. The other thing that struck me was the role reversal. You were the parent dealing with a toddler (getting her out of the house buying her treats). Then when it suits her she’s back to being the mum so she can tell you off for not doing a good enough job as her parent.

I'd massively reduce contact. Yes she'll kick off about it, but she kicks off anyway even when you take her shopping, buy her treats and cook her dinner. At least with life contact, you won't need to listen to it.

Save your time and money for those who treat you right.

*low contact, not life contact

Crazy Neighbour
I wish I could be as strong as you. But my confidence has been beaten out of me by my Mother. It has always been a difficult relationship.

DM has just phoned DS2 and has played the victim. Saying she has brought cake and sweets for us all. Her only daughter has treated her badly and made her feel unwelcome and has said she won't be visiting us again.
I was relieved when she announced she won't be visiting but I can't see that happening.

How old is your DS2?. What was his response to his grandmother phoning him?. This young person should not further be manipulated by your mother because she will merely use him further to get back at you.

How pls are your 3 DS's op ?

@FrankiesKnuckle

You'll get everyone telling you to go NC, but it's not as easy as that is it?

She sounds exceptionally similar to mine. She's difficult, contrary, controlling and occasionally spiteful. She claims to love me.

I only keep the relationship going because of my child, her grandchild.

I have no real advice, but a virtual arm around your shoulder as I know how hard it can be.

Why would you keep a toxic relationship going for your child's benefit? How can a child benefit seeing their mother torn down and criticised?

I have had to go no contact with my mum. The last interaction we had she told me she had wasted her life on me. Came out of nowhere. I didn't reply and she hasn't messaged me since.

I am having similar issues with my mother. I am trying to have better boundaries, clearly saying that she can't come over when she invites herself. She thrives on attention, of any sort, so this has not been going down well. I dread her phoning now. She sounds similar to yours. My DM told me when I was a teenager that she didn't believe in unconditional love. So I spent years trying to meet her conditions. Sorry OP. I have no other advice, I just wanted to say I understand.