Darling Mother

[YummieMummyof3]

I have always had a troubled relationship with my DM. I am glad that I have left home a long time ago. She still has the ability to really upset set with her cutting comments. Today has been a good example. I am a shift worker and every day I have off she invites herself over. My DH is working from home. When she arrives she seems to fill the house. She is loud and makes her presence known. DH has told me that he finds it impossible to concentrate when she is here and has asked if she visit later in the afternoon just before he finishes for the day.
DH had an important zoom meeting at 1.00pm
Today she announced she was coming this afternoon. I told her I would collect her in my car around 2.30 pm.
I was getting changed around 12.45 pm and the door bell rang. It was DM.
She smirked I thought I would save you the bother of collecting me and I came on the bus.
DH quietly took me aside and asked me to take her out as he had an important meeting.
I asked her if she would like to go shopping at Bluewater shopping centre. Her eyes light up and behaves in a child like manner. I say we need to go as DH has a important work. She snarled you know how to make me feel unwelcome. Maybe I shouldn't have come. She was in a mood while I was driving. I brought her quite a few treats. Brought her back to mine. Fed her, she was critical about the meal. I took her home.
Now received a phone call about making her feel unwelcome. The meal was not up to standard and feels her daughter should treat her better.
Now I am crying as i feel like a naughty toddler. How do I break this cycle?

My mum is like this. She cut me out her life 18 months ago and although I'm still a bit sad, I'm a lot less bloody stressed now..

@YummieMummyof3

DM has just phoned DS2 and has played the victim. Saying she has brought cake and sweets for us all. Her only daughter has treated her badly and made her feel unwelcome and has said she won't be visiting us again. I was relieved when she announced she won't be visiting but I can't see that happening.

Jesus Christ, OP, you need to break out of this pattern and start getting a bit angry. How bloody dare she try to set your children against you?

For the sake of your dc and your relationship with them, you need to do something about this. You have more strength than you realise and you can't afford to have your confidence beaten out of you. You've got to fake having some and stand up to her or go low-contact, and control her access to your children.

She's wreaking her toxicity on them as well and you have to start channeling some momma-bear for their sake.

Thanks for your support. I couldn't see that she is trying to turn my children away from me. DS2 is 18. He along with his siblings dislike their Gran. However, if she can cause trouble she will.
I am grateful for all the positive comments you have all posted here. Your advice is much appreciated.

Wow, she has utterly no shame! Honestly she sounds a bit unhinged. She's not exactly subtle about the manipulation and badmouthing, is she?? What on earth must your son think??!!

She is presumably somewhat messed up and unhappy herself, to be capable of behaving in such a peculiar -and frankly- self destructive way. But That Is Not Your Problem and You Cannot Help Her.

Honestly it is hard to see how she brings anything positive to your life. She wants you to grovel, to bend yourself down in front of her, so she can "forgive" you and go back to demanding absolute compliance whilst she insults you, once again.

Hard though it is, I think you should try to wait this one out, and work on your boundaries, and build up your confidence in the breathing space she's giving you. You probably meed to help your kids with a neutral get out from these conversations. Obviously they don't have to answer the phone to her if they don't want, but they need to be able to say 'i don't want to talk about this ' on repeat if they do end end up talking to her again.

Just agree with her.. “Oh well... That’s a pity.. for you. Okay then.... That’s sad.... If you think so... Such a shame you need to feel that way then.” She’ll get very bored.

The next time she pulls a stunt like this OP, ask if she wants to go out, put her in the car and just drop her home. She is trying to turn your DC against you, undermines you and disrupts your DH work. She is spiteful, you know all this. So maybe it's time for a family strategy of what to do and say when she kicks off again. You, DH and DC need some stock phrases to shut her down.

@YummieMummyof3

Thanks for your support. I couldn't see that she is trying to turn my children away from me. DS2 is 18. He along with his siblings dislike their Gran. However, if she can cause trouble she will. I am grateful for all the positive comments you have all posted here. Your advice is much appreciated.

If they all dislike her then I would suggest that they can block her number to avoid her nasty phone calls. And if I were you I'd be blocking her number too and not answering the door to her for some time.