Is my elderly relative jealous of baby?

[Rosmac]

I need some advice. I’m 33 and my great aunt is 75. There is nothing wrong with her physically or mentally but for the past 10 years or so I’ve been at her beck and call, mostly taking her places in the car, for shopping or just out for the day for a walk or lunch.

The problem started when I had a baby (3 months ago). She was really happy and excited for the first 2 weeks then she started ringing me everyday, sometimes crying, saying shes depressed and how much she misses me. She’s recently started doing this to everyone in the family now even people she never really spoke to much. And she told one of my neighbours that she was suicidal. My mum has started taking her for her shopping once a week and has said she has started having panic attacks every time someone shows her a picture or video of the baby.

I don’t know what to do I’m exhausted with my daughter and I’m getting really stressed. Any advice?

Why have you been doing so much for her? And why on earth has you dm even bothered to tell you that re the panic attacks? Does she see this as odd too?

Sorry that was a bit abrupt of me! Hope your family are being supportive of you in whatever this is!

Have you basically stopped doing it op? That’s not a slur, as you should have stopped, but it sounds like she’s lonely?

She’s being manipulative, ignore

She is manipulating you.
I actually know someone like your great Aunt, in his case a personality disorder has been discussed amongst the family.

I don't think jealous is the right term. She is lonely, & feels rejected.
No logic is going to make her understand, that you have a life too, & it is completed by having a family.
Did she have children herself ? I guess not.
Can you take the baby over with you to visit her ?
Can you telephone her & try & reassure her that you are a new mother, & getting used to having this beetle being in your life & will bring it over to meet asap ?

I don't think she is lonely she lives with my great uncle and sees family all the time. I think the difference with me is that I went part-time a few years ago and I would take her out for the day. We would go for lunch in the car, or I would drive her somewhere for a nice walk or to the shops. I didn't really mind but now I have a new baby and I'm breastfeeding I can't go out for long. I still ring her twice a week and we go for a walk with the pram locally though.

beetle = being !

Your mother and the neighbour are over-sharing. You don't need to hear this stuff as there's nothing you can do about it. You have a tiny baby to care for and that is your priority and your delight. Nobody should be troubling your early days with your baby and trying to burden you in this way. They should be protecting you from this sort of stress.

My mil is similar she will not go out unless I pick her up. I'm unable to do ATM as I've got a business to run. The pressure though is enough for me to think I don't want to anymore. Op you need to concentrate on your new baby. Don't let people's emotions get in the way. I don't think she is jealous I think she is being manipulative and selfish and even rude. You need to make it clear that from now on there will be limited amount of time you have available for her if she says anything negative about that then you need to have nothing to do with taking her anywhere. Don't feel bad about this op you've been there for her now she should be there for you.

I don’t think jealous is the right description but it sounds like she was previously relying on you a lot and you’re just not able to do as much now which is understandable.

Did she understand that your time with her would change once the baby arrived? I know that seems completely obvious but maybe she hadn’t realised how much things would change?

It's hard to comment on her behaviour fairly - perhaps your support (which sounds crazily excessive to someone on the outside) has been going on for so long she's become completely dependent. You may have really been killing her with kindness by making the need for her own hobbies, interests and friends unnecessary.

I don't know if she has mobility problems or any other health issues - but my mum is 73 & she does all her own shopping, has her own friends etc. Your great-aunt is not actually that old.

You just have time put your child first - that's what motherhood is. You've already done such a lot for this lady (perhaps too much). She's going to have to learn to share because I'm guessing you're not going to leave your baby on a doorstep to indulge her?!

Don't allow yourself to be manipulated, have firm, clear boundaries, make sure the family is universally clear that her that her behaviour is not normal and that she'd be doing herself a favour to make an appointment with her GP to seek help for her baby-related panic attacks... That's my advice for what it's worth.

Some people will use their will and take advantage any time they can

This isn't your problem to solve - you've got enough on your plate with a new baby.

However I do feel very sorry for your aunt - she's obviously relied on you perhaps more than she realised, not so much for practical things but for your companionship. I bet she didn't realise how much she would miss you being such a constant presence in her life.

She has stated that she is suicidal - what have other family members (not you! you have a baby to care for) done with this so far? Have they spoken to her husband, or encouraged her to speak to the GP?

I think for you, try to continue contact with her when you can, but dont feel obligated to give more time and energy than you can manage - your priority must be your baby. Encourage others to support her to get the help she needs.

She's not your problem, and her stagey 'panic attacks' are definitely not your problem.

@Tomyoneandonly

My mil is similar she will not go out unless I pick her up. I'm unable to do ATM as I've got a business to run. The pressure though is enough for me to think I don't want to anymore. Op you need to concentrate on your new baby. Don't let people's emotions get in the way. I don't think she is jealous I think she is being manipulative and selfish and even rude. You need to make it clear that from now on there will be limited amount of time you have available for her if she says anything negative about that then you need to have nothing to do with taking her anywhere. Don't feel bad about this op you've been there for her now she should be there for you.

What about if someone else picks her up? Her son?

My grandma was exactly like this with my mum when I had my first baby and my mum couldn't spend as much time looking after grandma (her mum) because she was sometimes busy with us. Grandma is in a very luxurious retirement home with loads of staff to help with everything but it's never enough unless my mum is fully involved. It's manipulative.

Tbh it hasn't got much better, 6years on it's still an issue. She plays for my mums attention all the time. Baby's first day at nursery... grandma needs to see a dentist and that must be main priority for the day. Poorly toddler we're worried about... grandma has a cold and urgently needs taking to GP despite on site doctor. Birthday party... grandma got stuck in the loo and is traumatised needs urgent response from mum. It goes on an on i've backed away from both my mum and grandma a bit as a result. Good luck OP

Your aunt needs to get a grip

My nan was the same. I was her main carer for years - she had a few mobility issues but was otherwise independent. She was really happy when I got pregnant ( much longed for IVF baby). I started gently handing over some of her care ( shopping trips/doctors appointments etc) to my mum but I remember my nan clearly saying to me 'you will have lots of time for me when you're on maternity leave' .... I told her that I would have less time for her to start with due to having a small baby which she didn't like.

Baby arrived and I had lots of phone calls reporting that nan was lonely, feeling unwell, didn't want to live like this anymore. My mum was running around after her but this wasn't good enough. I still visited her once a week but this wasn't enough. She adored my DD but she wasn't happy with me and felt I should be doing more for her. She refused support from age UK and local social groups so didn't make any attempt to help herself.

Things did settle after around 6 months or so but she made me feel so guilty at the time.

@Snakeprint

Your aunt needs to get a grip

Agreed.

She's being manipulative and relies on you to much. Just ignore her silliness, baby comes first.

Omg my great aunt was like this even before I had a baby. She’d ring me at 9pm for a bag of fucking lemons when we were going shopping the next day!! Not urgent! Just needing attention as she was lonely. She once got so drunk (frail 75, drank a little of whisky!! Long time alcoholism) that she couldn’t get up her stairs. 3am I get a phone call demanding I go (but I’ve been to cousins hen so I’m bladdered) and help. I explained the I was drunk as I’d been out (she knew anyway - rare treat as I never bloody go anywhere) but she told me to get my ass in the car as she was more important than my (or anyone else’s) life. She told me if I wouldn’t do it she’d call an ambulance so I put the phone down on her (liberating). Got phone call from hospital at 6am to say she was there. I told them what had happened and she ended up stying in for 6weeks (various things going on). I could scream when I think back to be honest as this is just the tip of the ice berg. Back away OP, it won’t get any easier and it’s total manipulation x

Sorry for typos! On my phone

Little = litre (yes she drank a whole litre!)

One thing that stood out to me was how much this woman has been babied, how much she's been looked after. It all sounds very passive. She was 65 when you started doing this - a lot of 65 year olds are very active. 75 year olds too.

People 'take' her to places. They 'take' her to lunch, shopping etc. Is she helpless? I assume she doesn't drive then? Why does she have to be 'taken' places, as if she's disabled? Why this isn't being phrased as 'we go shopping together'? My guess is because you don't really enjoy this time much with her. Maybe other people don't either. It's seen as doing her a favour, a duty.

Except for calling relatives, does she show any interest at all in having a life outside the family? Joining local groups for people her own age or developing a new hobby? It's almost as if she is forgetting her autonomy, her dignity as an adult. I think she's been taken places and taken care of for so long that it sounds like it's made her soft and even more emotionally vulnerable.

Most people want to feel loved and cared for by their family, and after spending so much time with you she might be genuinely sad not to, but even if you were her daughter, she would need to realise that he role as an adult, as a senior, is to mostly facilitate the independence of younger relatives. You can expect some care, loyalty and attention in return of course, but older relatives should do their best not to make their younger relatives unnecessary carers. She is not your baby.

I would advise that she go to her doctor because she might need to go on anti-depressants. After relying on you for so long to the point where you have become an emotional crutch, you will probably get a bit more protest from her before she adjusts to your new situation, so stay strong. It would also be great for her to find other women to go shopping with rather than being taken shopping.

Oh my goodness OP, is she 8? Yes, please stop continuing to mother this woman! Stop discussing her 'issues' as a family also. You have a new baby and she is having a tantrum strop because you aren't taking her out anymore. Not your problem. Enjoy your precious time with your baby and focus on your own child, not the wounded inner child of your relative.