Is my elderly relative jealous of baby?

[Rosmac]

I need some advice. I’m 33 and my great aunt is 75. There is nothing wrong with her physically or mentally but for the past 10 years or so I’ve been at her beck and call, mostly taking her places in the car, for shopping or just out for the day for a walk or lunch.

The problem started when I had a baby (3 months ago). She was really happy and excited for the first 2 weeks then she started ringing me everyday, sometimes crying, saying shes depressed and how much she misses me. She’s recently started doing this to everyone in the family now even people she never really spoke to much. And she told one of my neighbours that she was suicidal. My mum has started taking her for her shopping once a week and has said she has started having panic attacks every time someone shows her a picture or video of the baby.

I don’t know what to do I’m exhausted with my daughter and I’m getting really stressed. Any advice?

I would speak to your mum about calling Age UK and setting up a befriending service for her. Loads of voluntary sector organisations are gearing up to resume services next month so it's a good time to connect your Aunt in.

I think this is a reaction to the loss she feels now your priorities are (rightly) elsewhere. It doesn't mean she's jealous per se, but that the baby has come to represent the end of her positive, safe relationship with you and she feels low and vulnerable. It isn't your fault or responsibility though and I would ask your mum to do the above, ask your mum not to update you on your Aunt's mental health for a while, and keep contact with your Aunt to light chat when you feel up to it.

@Tomyoneandonly

My mil is similar she will not go out unless I pick her up. I'm unable to do ATM as I've got a business to run. The pressure though is enough for me to think I don't want to anymore. Op you need to concentrate on your new baby. Don't let people's emotions get in the way. I don't think she is jealous I think she is being manipulative and selfish and even rude. You need to make it clear that from now on there will be limited amount of time you have available for her if she says anything negative about that then you need to have nothing to do with taking her anywhere. Don't feel bad about this op you've been there for her now she should be there for you.

This.

Extremely manipulative.
Back away.

Tell your mother you don't want to know.

Is your mother a bit dim to be sharing information that will stress you while you are so busy with a new baby.
Very selfish.

Look after yourself.
You sound like a lovely woman.

@EarthSight

One thing that stood out to me was how much this woman has been babied, how much she's been looked after. It all sounds very passive. She was 65 when you started doing this - a lot of 65 year olds are very active. 75 year olds too.

People 'take' her to places. They 'take' her to lunch, shopping etc. Is she helpless? I assume she doesn't drive then? Why does she have to be 'taken' places, as if she's disabled? Why this isn't being phrased as 'we go shopping together'? My guess is because you don't really enjoy this time much with her. Maybe other people don't either. It's seen as doing her a favour, a duty.

Except for calling relatives, does she show any interest at all in having a life outside the family? Joining local groups for people her own age or developing a new hobby? It's almost as if she is forgetting her autonomy, her dignity as an adult. I think she's been taken places and taken care of for so long that it sounds like it's made her soft and even more emotionally vulnerable.

Most people want to feel loved and cared for by their family, and after spending so much time with you she might be genuinely sad not to, but even if you were her daughter, she would need to realise that he role as an adult, as a senior, is to mostly facilitate the independence of younger relatives. You can expect some care, loyalty and attention in return of course, but older relatives should do their best not to make their younger relatives unnecessary carers. She is not your baby.

I would advise that she go to her doctor because she might need to go on anti-depressants. After relying on you for so long to the point where you have become an emotional crutch, you will probably get a bit more protest from her before she adjusts to your new situation, so stay strong. It would also be great for her to find other women to go shopping with rather than being taken shopping.

It's funny you should say that. I was discussing her behaviour with family members as I really wasn't coping with her behaviour. She has 6 brothers and sisters but there is an 11 year age gap between her and her youngest sibling (my grandad) and my great grandmother lost two babies so she's always been babied by everyone, even before I was born. Apparently she had a massive shopping addiction years ago that family had to keep bailing her out of debt from. She never had children of her own but my dad said it was because she loved going out drinking too much (I thought that was a bit harsh but I don't think he likes her very much). It seems like there has always been someone doing this for her it just seems to be my turn now. From reading the comments I realise this sounds crazy now and I'm going to stop doing it. She is just so persuasive it's like she knows exactly what to say to make you feel awful. Also no she is not disabled in any way, mentally or physically. I have spoke to other family members and they are going to help me with her so I can concentrate on my daughter. Thanks for the advice everyone you have all been a huge help!

When you say other family members are going to help you with her that makes it sound as if she is your responsibility. You need to nip this in the bud. You may IF you have any capacity do something for her. This is after your baby and oh which come first and not forgetting yourself to have some me time. What are the other great nieces and nephews plus her brothers and sisters doing. What age is her husband and how is he health wise and getting out and about.

If you are not careful you could be quilted into being her carer as she gets older so as I said get this nipped in the bud now.

What do you mean your family are going to help you???

She is NOT your responsibility.

Your baby is your responsibility.