Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He winds me up so much I need a blinkin ECG

27 replies

19Bears · 05/05/2021 12:56

I really do need an ECG as I'm having a lot of heart palpitations, possibly down to changes in meds, but I think more likely the stress of DH winding me up about everything at every possible opportunity. Quick background - I've been unhappy for years, no intimacy for years from either of us, finally told him how I felt (that I'm not attracted to him anymore), went to counselling Nov 2019, he was devastated that I might want to separate, but since then has done nothing to make things better and is content to rumble along while I go quietly insane. I'm like a single mother, working, looking after the house and kids, while he lies on the sofa after he's finished work.
If he wants us to stay together, WHY does he wind me up with things he knows upsets me?? It's always politics, which we disagree 100% on, but I just keep my thoughts to myself. Last night (from his newly acquired armchair which sits on under the stairs, weirdly) he piped up with, "Bad news, (my name), Hartlepool is going blue." From out of nowhere. Just that comment. Nothing about it on telly at the time or anything, just randomly said. I felt like standing up and saying ffs, as 44 year old reasonably attractive fit woman, my husband should be touching me up in the kitchen, grabbing a quick kiss, making me a meal, anything but this! But he says all these things when the kids are nearby, knowing I won't react or say anything, so I just walked away and told the kids to come up to bed when they were ready. It might seem really petty to those of you reading this to get so upset about it as there is so much more to the story, but these little incidents just really get me annoyed and he knows it. Why does he do it? No doubt I'll be the bad guy now for being in a huff.
Oh, and this new chair he's bought, he cleared out the kids old toys area to make space for it, and threw out a castle that my youngest had made for a school competition. I'm still furious about this, which to him is also unreasonable. I feel like shouting "I need an ECG because of you!!" But I think it would sound unhinged, so I walk away, swear to myself, take a deep breath and go back to normal.
Sorry, I don't know what I want anyone to say, just getting it out here. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
ItscoldinAlaska · 05/05/2021 12:59

Is he a Conservative and you are not?

Lamentations · 05/05/2021 13:02

Time to return to your 2019 plan. He's had a chance, nothing changed, you're miserable.

HollowTalk · 05/05/2021 13:04

You missed an opportunity to say, "Like your balls."

Miasicarisatia · 05/05/2021 13:05

The writing is huge and clear on the wall, this relationship has run its course ....years ago
End it already!

UCOinanOCG · 05/05/2021 13:07

What does he bring to your life? If the answer is nothing then he needs to not be in your life any more.

Whydidimarryhim · 05/05/2021 13:15

He’s not going to change. Why have a life of misery.
Do you cook and clean for him - what would happen if you stopped.
He’s looking for a reaction from you and knows how to press your buttons.
Are you dependent on him financially?

Shoxfordian · 05/05/2021 13:40

If you’ve been unhappy for years then you need to take some actual action and leave him

Orangebug · 05/05/2021 13:43

Either he doesn't really believe you'd ever leave. Or he wasn't as devastated about the idea of losing you as he seemed to be. Or he is so lazy that he can't force himself to make any actual changes. Probably most likely to be the third.

Original poster
19Bears · 05/05/2021 13:47

@ItscoldinAlaska Yep. He started off with Ukip, went to Brexit Party, and has landed in Tory.
@Lamentations I wish I'd been more forceful in 2019. I know I need to start this conversation again.
@HollowTalk I wouldn't know what they look like..... Confused
@Miasicarisatia You are right.
@UCOinanOCG Literally nothing. It may sound harsh, but it's easier when he's not there.
@Whydidimarryhim I clean for the household, he makes his own meals (normally pops to the shop for a frozen pizza or a pot noodle...) I think I could manage the house on my own - I earn more, slightly.

I know you will all say it's time to leave this relationship, and it is, but I find it hard to hurt him, especially as he has anxiety issues. He seems a bit dependent on me, for many things, but as if I'm his mum, nothing else. It's miserable for me. But he thinks it's all fine.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 05/05/2021 13:51

Time to put you first @19Bears
You are unhappy, he is top self absorbed to notice and you are only 44. You should be having fun still, as hard as it will be you know what you have to do x

BlankTimes · 05/05/2021 14:07

He’s looking for a reaction from you and knows how to press your buttons

What would frustrate him more and be much better for your health would be for you to choose to totally ignore all his goady remarks.
That's commonly known as 'grey rock' so do have a google and a think and see if it would work for you in this situation.

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 14:16

Don't have a conversation with him about it. See a solicitor find out the ins and outs.

Then tell him you are petitioning for divorce as he hasn't stepped up at all since the counselling and he makes you miserable and it isn't fair on the DC. Ensure the petition arrives a few days later.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 14:23

Sorry op, but at this point you are the maker of your own misery. You know you need to end this disaster of a marriage, but you make every possible ridiculous excuse not to. He has anxiety and you don't want to hurt his feelings? Really? Come on, now. He hurts yours every fucking day and that's acceptable? Your children are learning about relationships by watching yours, and this is doing them no flavours.

You have wasted so much of your life with him it's tragic. Don't waste another day.

Miasicarisatia · 05/05/2021 14:27

but I find it hard to hurt him, especially as he has anxiety issues. He seems a bit dependent on me, for many things, but as if I'm his mum, nothing else. It's miserable for me. But he thinks it's all fine
He knows all that and is milking it to death, he knows exactly what he's doing.
He is fine with you being miserable because he knows that distracts you, takes away your energy and makes it easier to trap you

Original poster
19Bears · 05/05/2021 14:30

@Aquamarine1029 You are completely right. I'm wasting my life. I often wonder how many more people are like this, stuck and frightened to take the leap.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 14:37

I often wonder how many more people are like this, stuck and frightened to take the leap.

WHO CARES, just stop being one of them. You have been sleepwalking through your own life. Take control, tell his it's over, right now, tonight, and then move on. Honestly, rip the plaster off and just do it.

Being stuck in this horrible marriage for the rest of your life should frighten you much more than leaving it.

PanamaPattie · 05/05/2021 14:38

Is he Harry Potter? Seriously- why is he under the stairs. Kick him out. He’s a lost cause.

user113424742258631134 · 05/05/2021 14:48

More frightening than chucking your life away like this?

RandomMess · 05/05/2021 14:53

You told him loud and clear how you felt and he cares so little for you that he has done a big fat 0 to change ANYTHING.

Save your care and love for yourself first, your DC next!! They deserve to live in a happy home as much as you do.

Original poster
19Bears · 05/05/2021 16:24

I want my kids to be happy above everything else (we all do, obviously) and I just hope when/if I get my act together they'll be ok. I do think they notice, and I hate the fact they see no affection between their parents. His way of 'trying' @RandomMess is to initiate polite conversation, and then when I don't respond, it's all my fault for causing a miserable atmosphere in the house. Does he think all I want is polite conversation for the rest of my life???!! I just need to be brave.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/05/2021 16:29

He isn't even initiating polite conversation is he, he's goading you?

YoniAndGuy · 05/05/2021 16:52

You don't even need to start a conversation.

Just start the research. Finances, divorce costs, likely split.

Go see a couple of solicitors for some basic info. Find one you like.

Think about childcare and stuff.

Watch your heart rate go down with the sheer pleasure of having something to focus on, and the thought of a future without this absolute bellend in it.

And at the thought of his face when, in a short time, he says something obnoxious and you smile and reply 'Ok, I'm done. You really are an utter prick, you haven't changed one bit since 2019 despite all the whining and pleading. We're over.'

YarnOver · 05/05/2021 17:04

@19Bears

I want my kids to be happy above everything else (we all do, obviously) and I just hope when/if I get my act together they'll be ok. I do think they notice, and I hate the fact they see no affection between their parents. His way of 'trying' *@RandomMess* is to initiate polite conversation, and then when I don't respond, it's all my fault for causing a miserable atmosphere in the house. Does he think all I want is polite conversation for the rest of my life???!! I just need to be brave.
I can assure you I noticed that my parents were desperately unhappy and that bothered me more than the fact they split up
RantyAnty · 05/05/2021 17:43

If you start today with the process of getting a divorce, you'll feel better knowing there is an end to this misery.

Like PP said, start the research with it. Make the decision it's over and that's that.

Original poster
19Bears · 05/05/2021 19:54

I'll have to try and contact solicitors again. I tried in January but all the local ones were full and not taking any more clients. Busy time for this sort of thing. Thank you all for your comments x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread