If you've been married over 25 years ...

[FlyingNimbus]

Please be honest. Are you starting to think that, with a few blissfully happy exceptions, all long-term marriages involve massive compromise by either the husband or wife to keep going?

I was reflecting on Bill and Melinda Gates yesterday who were married two years after DH and me. I always thought of us as happily married, but this past year has been very difficult, and I was thinking of all the long-term couples I know and their current circumstances.

Of course it's difficult to know what goes on inside a marriage, but of those who have not divorced, the wives (because I know them the best) are putting up with workaholic husbands, husband's who are quite "closed" and don't communicate, husband's who sulk, husbands who are financially controlling, husband's who are messy etc.

I'm not saying all the women in these relationships are perfect by any means, and a lot of the husbands have very good aspects to their characters as well, but in the main, there has to be an awful lot of tolerance going on for a marriage to survive long-term.

My own marriage is requiring a lot of tolerance on both of our parts currently and I sometimes wonder whether, once the DC have grown up, whether it's all worth it?

So what do you think? Do most marriages over 25 years require huge amounts of effort and compromise, or has lockdown got to me and I am being unnecessarily pessimistic?

I always previously really looked up to couples who have managed to stay together so long and really admired them. But now I am not so sure it's such an admirable thing if that makes sense?

Sorry autocorrect kept putting all of those apostrophes in "husbands".

We've been married 22 years, and have recently come through a very bad patch. I have come to realise that it is me who has conceded, I have fallen into the trap of changing myself and giving in to make him happy, as long as he is happy and getting everything he wants then the marriage can continue.

(It does not help that he is the breadwinner so automatically in a position of power)

I feel like the shell of the person I used to be, I have given my entire life and 22 years of my energy to making other people happy (DH & DC) and I have lost myself in the process. Now that the DC are grown up I have realised I am just the support act to DH's dreams coming true.

He's not a bad person, he is just selfish and honestly believes if we do things his way (where to live, holiday, what to eat, what music to listen to, how to spend our spare time, what to drive etc.) then we will all be happier, and have a good life. He truly believes his choices will make my life (and our lives) better than any choices I would make for myself or us.

I have been married for 27 years

Honestly, I find it easy. I haven’t compromised myself in any way. I don’t recognise this “effort” and “ hard work” that people talk of.

To me, if my marriage made my life harder I would not be in it. It should enhance your life, just getting through normal ups and downs of general living is hard enough without expending extra effort to keep somebody else happy.

It’s not that we have never disagreed or argued or got on each other’s nerves. But constant maintenance of a marriage to me implies fundamental incompatibility and I just don’t see the point

Even short term relationships involve compromises.

I think @AnyFucker is in the minority.

I think it does take a lot of compromise, and at 30+ years i am sick of it tbh. My dh is a decent, loyal man, but there are aspects of his character that i just don't like much, and as i have got older i am less tolerant of them. We live together basically as housemates which i find much easier, we get on quite well day to day, but when we were 'together' i found his moods etc quite upsetting and we were on a merry go round of being really happy, then being unhappy because of his moods and how they affect our relationship. I know people who are married a long time and they seem genuinely happy, but i guess some people might think the same about us.

i think any relationship requires work and I think that there are always some sort of compromises made along away - its just whether you can live with that compromise eg moving for someones work, someone being a SAHP or working part time to sort childcare, how many kids you want, what house you buy, how you spend your money etc etc.
Marraige requires work and I think everyone goes through bad and sometimes even awful patches. Successful marriages work through this and come out the other side.

I do wonder is long term monogamy is desirable or even achievable state for the human being. I think it's desirable, even necessary, while you raise children but after that, I wonder if it really is our natural state.

I think it is pretty common for the first half of life to be focused on the children, family, career and house etc. Then when we get to a certain age those things become less important and we want to develop something else in us - think Shirley Valentine!

I think it is at middle age when if you truly are not compatible it becomes very very obvious.

That sounds hard Sunnyblackwidowand I can identify an with lots of it

It's interesting isn't it how many men are so confident in their own choices and don't seem to spend huge amounts of time in self reflection. The utter confidence they are doing the right thing is definitely a strong factor in my marriage too. My DH often tries to tells me how I feel about something to which I react very firmly and strongly. I can identify with feeling subsumed by his(major) life choices too. At the same time my DH is very supportive and kind , and I recognise I am not always the easiest person in the world to live with, so it's all very complicated. Confused is how I feel currently!

We reach the 25 year mark later this year and I’m in agreement with AnyFucker.
I’m not saying we haven’t had our ups and downs, but he enhances my life rather than making it harder.
My main criticism of our relationship is that we are both workaholics, but I think we have both come to realise we need to try and take a step back. I’m hoping to reduce my hours in the next 6-12 and I’m looking forward to us retiring together in a few years.

We've been married for 25 years this year. We have had a few bad spells where, due to stress etc etc, it's been a bit rocky but on the whole we're pretty solid. Definitely a partnership. Can't actually imagine a life without him.

I am exactly the same as AnyFucker . We will have been married for 18 years in a few months, but have been together for nearly 27 years.
I like his company. I will go with him on a short car trip somewhere just to have time together to natter about stuff, anything at all, eg politics, the teen dds, wider family, books, the hedgehogs in the garden , that dress I want, anything.
The longer we are together the more I like him !

@AnyFucker

I have been married for 27 years

Honestly, I find it easy. I haven’t compromised myself in any way. I don’t recognise this “effort” and “ hard work” that people talk of.

To me, if my marriage made my life harder I would not be in it. It should enhance your life, just getting through normal ups and downs of general living is hard enough without expending extra effort to keep somebody else happy.

It’s not that we have never disagreed or argued or got on each other’s nerves. But constant maintenance of a marriage to me implies fundamental incompatibility and I just don’t see the point

I agree with this post.

People still get married relatively young and people change massively in that time. Children change the dynamics as well. I got married at 25 and was divorced a few years later - fundamentally because I didn't know myself or what I wanted.
Married again at 50 and its a piece of piss.

I think your observations about effort, tolerance and compromise are spot on, OP.
I don't think it's an admirable thing to stay together where one party is virtually clipping the wings of the other, though.
After the DC have flown the nest, there should be opportunity for the primary caregiver to start doing things for themselves. The trouble is, where a pattern has been formed over so many years, like the one described by @sunnyblackwidow (one with which I completely identify) the more dominant partner won't necessarily want to adapt to a new dynamic.

DH and I married when we were both 20. That was 38 years ago.
I can honestly say he is my absolute soulmate. My rock. My world. We have 3 wonderful children and 9 grandchildren.

The day we met was when we were 13. New school, same registration class. The moment I saw him, I knew. I didn’t know what I knew but I could tell he was going to play a huge part in my life.

Lockdown hasn’t been more of a challenge for us, as DH is usually away from home 2-4 days a week with work, and under normal circumstances I am able to go with him when I choose to. (I’m retired)
He has been working from home and I’ve loved it!

He still makes my heart beat faster and we still have a really really good sex life!
I should add my parent’s are still happily married - 63 years, and DH’s parents, though both passed away, were also very happily married for 47 years.

We’ve been together 30+ years, grown up children etc. The Covid year(s) have been tough, but we’ve both always worked, and had separate social lives - I like theatre, he likes gigs etc - and we have wide friendship circles, separately and together. We enjoy similar holidays, and we eat out together a couple of times a week. I don’t think either of us is compromising, but we’re both probably bored of each other at times.

Anyfucker always appears to have very strong boundaries in the advice she gives and that is why she has a good relationship. I think that everyone needs boundaries to have a successful relationship. I have worked towards setting boundaries myself as I did not have many when I was young. I was very lucky, in that my partner is a respectful man and had never tried to control me. He encourages me in my career and supports me as I do him. He pointed out that I needed firm boundaries because he could see me being taken advantage of at work etc.

@LadyOfTheCanyon

People still get married relatively young and people change massively in that time. Children change the dynamics as well. I got married at 25 and was divorced a few years later - fundamentally because I didn't know myself or what I wanted. Married again at 50 and its a piece of piss.

I agree Lady As I said up thread, we have been almost married for 25 years, but together for 30. We initially met as a drunken one night stand in our early 20s! We have both changed so much in the last 30 years, but have been lucky to change in compatible ways. I don’t feel proud or smug that we have been together so long, but lucky, as there is no way we could have known how we would have changed or grown in all those years.

I'm like AnyFucker - together over 25 years (well over, actually) and I find it easy. It hasn't required a lot of "work". I think he's the one for me ... I might even marry him eventually!

AnyFucker I agree with you to a certain extent. I never questioned my marriage for the first 20 years or so and for the years we were together before that. It wasn't always easy but our relationship was happy. It's just recently things have seemed much harder. I have compromised too much in some fundamental ways and I take full responsibility for some of those choices. Some of those were just a question of circumstance and having to compromise for the sake of the DC and were necessary at the time.

Of course I agree with everyone that most long term marriages require work and compromise, but at what point does that tip over in to those compromises not being worth the sacrifice involved? Or when do too many small sacrifices add up to feeling resentful? Or at what point do those compromises become not worth the payoff? I don't mean payoff in a grasping way, I mean emotionally.

I can't see the wood for the trees right now and Coronavirus hasn't helped.

Brieandchilli very sensible words

And yes Hamstersarse maybe it's a typical phase many long term marrieds go through?

Musicmenu you have summarised very succinctly what I was trying to say!

I do wonder is long term monogamy is desirable or even achievable state for the human being.
It must be possible because most people I know are long-term married, 30 years or more. (Hope I haven't put a hex on them now!)

I suppose most couples get together in their twenties and they either grow together in the same direction or they grow apart.

Talking about this just yesterday. 32 years. Neither of us can imagine wanting any other life. CEV husband so 24/7 for 14 months. We really like each other, astonishingly

(Love too, deeply, but I think genuine like is sometimes harder)