If you've been married over 25 years ...

[FlyingNimbus]

Please be honest. Are you starting to think that, with a few blissfully happy exceptions, all long-term marriages involve massive compromise by either the husband or wife to keep going?

I was reflecting on Bill and Melinda Gates yesterday who were married two years after DH and me. I always thought of us as happily married, but this past year has been very difficult, and I was thinking of all the long-term couples I know and their current circumstances.

Of course it's difficult to know what goes on inside a marriage, but of those who have not divorced, the wives (because I know them the best) are putting up with workaholic husbands, husband's who are quite "closed" and don't communicate, husband's who sulk, husbands who are financially controlling, husband's who are messy etc.

I'm not saying all the women in these relationships are perfect by any means, and a lot of the husbands have very good aspects to their characters as well, but in the main, there has to be an awful lot of tolerance going on for a marriage to survive long-term.

My own marriage is requiring a lot of tolerance on both of our parts currently and I sometimes wonder whether, once the DC have grown up, whether it's all worth it?

So what do you think? Do most marriages over 25 years require huge amounts of effort and compromise, or has lockdown got to me and I am being unnecessarily pessimistic?

I always previously really looked up to couples who have managed to stay together so long and really admired them. But now I am not so sure it's such an admirable thing if that makes sense?

I think that boundaries need laying out in the early days or cause resentment later on. I see threads from younger women asking for advice on their partner's porn/strip club habits and I remember telling DH 20+ years ago that it was an absolute deal breaker for me.
I do think it takes reminding yourself why you married in the first place.
Dh is my best friend, he made me laugh when I was 15 and still does now Im in my forties.

Married for 27 years, together for 28.

Our marriage is very strong and, as said above, we enhance each other. We really enjoy each others company. We don't agree on everything but are able to discuss points of difference without arguing, and respect each other.

If I felt I was having to compromise a lot I would leave

I agree with the poster who states that getting married younger, and not really knowing who we are.

I was young, and spent the early years of our marriage enjoying raising my children, this was so rewarding and fulfilling to me - my DH was a good dad and we were always 'on the same page' but now that DC have grown up and DH has a successful career (in a position where he calls the shots) it is dawning on me that I have very little left of myself.

I wonder if those who are feeling more content in their marriages are married to partners who have more easy going personalities (less forceful). My DH knows what he wants and usually gets it, he genuinely believes his way is the right way always.

He wasn't this way when we were younger, he was less self assured and forceful - he saw me as an equal partner (and I was then) but over the years, as a wife and mother I've fallen into the role of giving and supporting.

@senua

I do wonder is long term monogamy is desirable or even achievable state for the human being. It must be possible because most people I know are long-term married, 30 years or more. (Hope I haven't put a hex on them now!)

I suppose most couples get together in their twenties and they either grow together in the same direction or they grow apart.

Oh me too, but a long are a bit bored and snappy with each other. Lots of long married couples seem to bicker all the time. If it wasn't accepted/expected that humans mate for life and it didn't create all the issues with splitting finances etc, would they still be together?

Not really - marriage has never felt difficult to me. We've been through stressful stuff - redundancies, international moves, caring for elderly relatives etc but we're still basically on the same page. There have been times when I've supported him when he was studying, he's supported me looking after Ddad when Ddad couldn't manage on his own.

He's better at housework, I'm better at cooking. I plan our holidays, he arranges the car insurance - it's not that either of us couldn't do all these things, we just play to our strengths. I feel supported in my life and I hope he does too.

He's still the person I want to spend time with above all others. Him wfh hasn't been an issue at all (but he's working and I don't see him apart from coffee and Popmaster in the morning and a lunchtime walk most days, which is lovely)

I think the fact that we're child free has played a huge part in the success of our relationship.

We hit a very rough patch and I nearly divorced him at around the 25 yr mark. I had been getting gradually more unhappy for me for quite a few years before that and I was holding out for improvement with a change in circumstance, so it would be better when the DC were a bit older, when DH stopped working abroad, when we moved country, when he finished his doctorate. But actually it didn't really get any better with any of the changes. We had tons of counselling and our counsellor was fabulous and really made us explore our actions and reactions to each other. We also went quite a long way down the divorce process but didn't get to the court stage. DH stopped thinking of me as an under-performing, menial employee and things vastly improved. It's 30 years this year.

I've been married for 21 years and have lived with my DH for 27 years.

I think it is really challenging to have healthy balanced relationships between women and men as we are socialised so differently. Plus men often earn more and that can create power imbalances.

I agree with what a previous poster said about boundaries. In too many marriages men don't consider or respect women's boundaries and they exploit our socialised tendencies to deference and caretaking.

My own marriage has been through ups and downs. I'm still in it because my husband has been willing to embrace feminism and he doesn't throw his weight around or assume that he's in charge (he doesn't always get it right but he's open to being told that) . It probably helps that we have 2 daughters and seeing them grow up has opened his eyes to a lot.

We’ve been married for over 30 yrs , I don’t find it hard work . I’m by no means perfect and my husband certainly has his faults but over the years he has come round more to my way of thinking and we get along pretty well . We rarely find anything to argue about and never bicker even though he is now working at home permanently . I don’t work and only ever went to work pt , I also have lots of health issues and he is utterly supportive of my interests and well being . We are very close without being in one another’s pockets .

Together 40 years and it is wonderful.

We are both what I would class as 'workers' whether it be at home or work. Nothing is ever too much trouble. Maybe that is the secret.

Nearly 30 years here, we're both very happy, but it definitely wasn't always like this. I was pregnant within a few months of meeting him. Having a baby, having to live at home, finishing a degree really put strain on us. No money at all.
We are soul mates though. That is the key for us. He's late 50s now, still really handsome and he tells me I'm beautiful all the time ( I'm not !).
Now we're mortgage free, have had good jobs, holidays are great and we're really comfortable with each other. Our son is amazing and we're very proud grandparents.
When I can, though, I will travel on my own ( he loves his job. No plans to retire). But I'll always come home.
I think you have to compromise, share what you've got and not think the grass is greener. My siblings have had 2 divorces each, and each time, their choice of husband has deteriorated, IMHO!!

@AnyFucker

I have been married for 27 years

Honestly, I find it easy. I haven’t compromised myself in any way. I don’t recognise this “effort” and “ hard work” that people talk of.

To me, if my marriage made my life harder I would not be in it. It should enhance your life, just getting through normal ups and downs of general living is hard enough without expending extra effort to keep somebody else happy.

It’s not that we have never disagreed or argued or got on each other’s nerves. But constant maintenance of a marriage to me implies fundamental incompatibility and I just don’t see the point

Same here tbh.

We just "get" each other.

Love him with all my heart and soul. We have had ups and downs like everyone else, but we adore each other. 30 years married, no regrets at all.

@AnyFucker

I have been married for 27 years

Honestly, I find it easy. I haven’t compromised myself in any way. I don’t recognise this “effort” and “ hard work” that people talk of.

To me, if my marriage made my life harder I would not be in it. It should enhance your life, just getting through normal ups and downs of general living is hard enough without expending extra effort to keep somebody else happy.

It’s not that we have never disagreed or argued or got on each other’s nerves. But constant maintenance of a marriage to me implies fundamental incompatibility and I just don’t see the point

I agree with this.

I got married at 19, been together 34 years.

There have been tough times, had 3 children when very young, and other money issues over the years but we have a laugh together and I know I can always rely on him. Would be devastated if we split.

For me there is a big difference between who I was when we met and who I am now. As a partnership and a wife I still love and enjoy being with my dh and certainly can not imagine life without him.
But for me, as a person, what I want and how I imagine my remaining years , it seems very incongruent.

Thank you for all of these responses. They are helping me to sort things out in my head with a bit more clarity than previously.

And it's genuinely lovely to hear about all these successful marriages. Congratulations to all of you for whom it is working really well . You've restored my faith in the institution!

I definitely still love my DH. He's a very good person; kind, hard-working, supportive, positive , with a good sense of humour. Quite a lot to live up to actually . Maybe that's why I feel I am permanently failing?

Actually it's not his personality that's the problem; it's the way he likes to live which I find challenging and I don't think that's going to change. He's a workaholic and his career dominates everything and he's massively messy. And like a pp said below, he's become more forceful and confident, whereas I have lost myself rather.

Lavieengrenache DC have definitely been a huge source of stress in our marriage. Wouldn't want it any other way of course but they have definitely contributed to some of the issues we are having now , mainly in terms of available time. The problems seem to grow with them and you still worry even when they are effectively off your hands and young adults. In fact, we are still quite involved with lots of things adult child related, much more than I thought we would be at this stage.

GinnieHempstock and AgentProvocateur you both sound as if you have a good balance to your marriages.

The posts about strong boundaries and marrying young are well made. We didn't marry young. We actually delayed marrying a long time to pursue our separate careers but that was pre-dc in the mists of time long ago. I knew who I was when I married, and I know who I am now, and it hasn't changed. I don't feel that those aspects of my character are valued or allowed to flourish within the confines of our marriage. At the same time I should have been more forceful about pursuing my own interests.

We definitely love each other, but unlike EmmaGrundyforpm , I am not sure we enhance one another. And I can't work out why. At the same time, us being complete opposites really works well in many situations. Gah!

Actually Phoenix121 I think you are spot on! What you say about the primary caregiver being able to flourish post DC is so important! Maybe that's the key to my issue here!

We've been married 24 years this year. Its not hard work, we love each others company, and neither has compromised their lives. We talk through everything in detail, stick by our commitments - and neither of us would be described by others as easy to be with.

But for me, as a person, what I want and how I imagine my remaining years , it seems very incongruent.. That's interesting SowingBees? Would you mind explaining?

I like the way you say your DH has "come around to your way of thinking Floralnomad! . (You sound like you have a wonderful marriage though! )

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Quite a few parallels there! Especially the waiting for the work to diminish. I've realised it won't substantially. So glad it worked out for you both in the end.

I missed Denisethemenace's post earlier. Yes, so true, love can be easier than really like sometimes I think. Clichéd though it is, love sometimes is not enough.

I so agree about the grass rarely being greener Amdone123 whatever happens to my marriage, I would never want to live with another man I don't think.

Again , thank you for all the posts from happily married folk which are lovely to read. I am taking notes

@FlyingNimbus what I mean by that is that he comes from a family of sulkers and people who tip toe about trying not to rock the boat , I come from a tell it straight and then get over it quick family . Now he just does the former with his elderly mother and he finds that very hard to do ! .

Oh I see Floralnomad that sounds much healthier.

@FlyingNimbus, I wouldn't marry again. I wouldn't know what to do with someone else, for starters ! Although, I say that..........we can't be certain can we. My OH said he would never marry anyone again ( I think it was a compliment!!)

@FlyingNimbus I can’t abide sulking it’s such a pointless waste of time , life’s too short .

I've got married at 26 and we've been married 26 years. It's definitely easier now mainly because are children are adults, albeit still living at home. We have had a lot of stress over the years, MH problems with eldest DD, illness, deaths, losing jobs etc but have managed our way through them together.
We spent the last lockdown at home together and we were perfectly content.

We've been married 17 years but have been together for 28 years.

Life always involves some give and take - not just marriages. We generally both have similar outlooks and if anything he compromises more than I do.

We do argue. He drives me absolutely crazy sometimes but we never let an argument drag on.

At the beginning of the year we all had Coronavirus. The thought of losing him was awful. It made me realise how good we are actually together and that our marriage is still very strong. Thankfully we all recovered ok.

I never understand how people talk about marriage being hard work.

It hasn't been for us. We have been married 40 years and are very happy and still very much in love. Of course we have arguments but they never last long and we always end up just laughing.

We are best friends as well as husband and wife and lovers. Both of us would rather spend time with the other than anyone else. We have a lot of common interests and we chat away to each other all the time about anything and everything.

Since lockdown he has worked a lot less (self employed) which we have both loved. At the start he stayed home for 6 weeks and we just got on so well even being together 24/7.

We don't have children so never experienced the problems that they can bring