Anyone else have a DH with a false memory?

[smellywellies9]

This happens all the time but to give an example, we moved house around 5 years ago and did all the painting and decorating ourselves. We both took time off work and did all of it together, DH did all the ceilings as he was taller and I did the walls. It was very much a joint effort.
Having a conversation with some friends earlier and DH proclaimed that he did all the decorating himself and I didn't do any of it, he denied me having any involvement whatsoever and said it was all him. Not only did this embarrass me as it made me look like I was lying to our friends, but it also wasn't true!! DH does things like this all the time. Anyone else have the same problem??

@user113424742258631134

It's a standard form of abuse.

I was going to say the same thing. It's not a weird form of domestic abuse. It's a well documented and common form of abuse. Horrible too because it distorts reality and leaves you doubting yourself.

Yes my Dh does this and has conversations with me, that are conducted entirely in his own head. Somehow I have to become a mind reader.
If I left I would be financially screwed.
So I stay, but everyone it happens I love him that bit less.
We really have separate lives yet somehow cohabit.
Shit.

[quote smellywellies9]@Myotherusernamewastakenagain
He does have a really shit memory, I blame the weed smoking for that (doesn't smoke anymore), however isn't it convenient for him that he is the one that did EVERYTHING in all his memories and I did NOTHING apparently!! That's what makes me question if this is just a memory issue or not [/quote]
I was actually coming in to ask this question. My exH was like this. Apparently terrible memory of things I wanted/needed/positive things I had done but perfect recall of anything that I'd done that he could use to discredit me.

His terrible memory disproportionately impacted me, not him. He was never late for things he cared about, but couldn't remember the time of things that were for me etc. Final straw was when I was interviewed by the police about a historic sexual assault, and he conveniently "forgot" he was meant to look after the DC that afternoon.

He was diagnosed with ADHD, but also possible narcissistic personality disorder.

I have never looked back since leaving him. His behaviour had such a negative impact on me and my mental health. I was never sure what was real or true, or how I could be so together and good at my job and other aspects of my life but apparently so shit in a marriage. Once I really accepted that it wasn't me, my life has been so much better.

Thinking about it, mine is a weed smoker so there is definitely that effect. However, as many of you have said they always seem to remember important things to them. I believe it happens to me op in a similar way. Are there any other times his behaviour naked you feel.uncomfortable? Like many posters I am stuck. I didn't read the signs early on and being a naive type generally just agreed with him. Lots of love to you op.

My DH does exactly the same.

Talking the other day about decorating in our new place and he says he did it all at the old place so expects no help from me! Except just like OP, he did ceiling and I make him do the corners and edges because I'm always wonky, but I did all the 'middle' of the walls. Nope, he has no recollection.

It's like this with lots of things and not always to my detriment, he will often think I did something when it was him. It's not gaslighting, he just doesn't seem to have room to retain things with all the other crap he keeps in his head regarding his various interests e.g. the latest mission to Mars.

With XH it was conversations- he would swear blind that either we'd never spoken about xyz, or that I'd said something that I knew I hadn't. He would even do it during a conversation- so for example I would say "The sky is blue" and two minutes later he would say I'd said it was pink, or whatever.

I seriously started doubting my own memory, even to the point of considering buying a dictaphone or something to record our conversations. Seems totally ridiculous now, and so it is, but honestly that's the point I got to.

My ex also did this. I couldn’t pull him up in front of other people without looking like a twat so he came across as this wonderful hero type. I stopped chatting and recounting events to people as he would immediately jump in with “that didn’t happen, what are you talking about?” Made me look like a weird liar. If I protested that it absolutely had happened, he would argue and make things so awkward, it was easier to keep quiet.
My point is that he would often use his bad memory as an excuse and laugh about it if others caught him out and yet he could never accept it was his memory at fault when calling me a liar in front of others.

In my case my mother was and still is exactly the same so I grew up accepting this was something people did.

It is unlikely to improve op and is likely to have you doubting your sanity. I would start running now if I were you.

My stbxh did this sort of thing all the time - and quite often, I think he actually believed the stuff he was saying.

Interestingly, I was watching a video on youtube the other day by Sam Vaknim and he talked about confabulation. He said that narcissists typically have very poor memories and so they tend to just fill in the gaps. "The house wasn't decorated when we moved in... and then it was. Must have been me". Seems entirely plausible, at least as far as stbxh is concerned. He was the sort of person who would always say what a great childhood he had.. but seemed to actually have about three distinct memories of it: Got lost on the beach. Cut his ear and needed stiches. Fell in a swimming pool. Er.. that's it.

This is really interesting as I have this experience with my in-laws. Its like they have this narrative e.g. X is always the victim, Z is always mean, Y is always the hero etc. and they seem to reinterpret things that happen according to this narrative and then claim (really believe?) their version is what happened.

It's so bizarre as I can have a conversation with FIL and he will say something like DH said a mean thing to SIL, I will say no that's not what happened, and explain what actually happened (usually in that kind of example SIL did something mean to DH!). He will then backtrack and agree with me and accept what really happened but then 3 hours later will come out with his wrong version again, even when talking to me and not someone else! I've never experienced anything like this before, and it affects 5/6 members of the same family. Something very strange is going on psychologically with them!

it isn't it funny that all his false memories cast you in a bad light and him in a good one. Does he do this to his friends too? "

No Greg you sat in the car the time we broke down and I changed the tyre in the rain"

or at work

"No boss you didn't provide any review or guidance at all I did the report/task/whatever all by myself"

Didn't think so. He is a liar who enjoys putting you down in front of other people. Up to you what you do with that.

Omg I thought I was the only one . My partner has done this from the day we met . It's infuriating and he will shout me down when I don't let it go . He's mellowed since the kids were born but I've had many of occasions thinking I was going mad . He also likes to play the martyr . It just bores me now I don't even react .

I’m glad to hear that others seem to find it’s a family trait too. MIL is just as bad as DP, she made the first year of my life as a mum so stressful. One example is weaning, we didn’t want refined sugar in his diet until after one and explained why and yet when we said we were weaning, she wanted to do it with custard. I resisted politely but it would be multiple times every (weekly) visit until the point she called DP in tears. Same with ‘sleepovers.’ Banged on and on about having baby DS sleep over until she called and cried. Shortly after DS turned two I caught her having a conversation with my mum where she said she has bent over backwards to accommodate me in the family and never gone against my wishes etc. She’s said the same to my face, too. It blows my mind.

@clpsmum

It's not a false memory he is gaslighting you

Yeah my ex did this and it was all about his ego. He would later admit his version of events wasn’t true and just smile.

I think this relates to cognitive dissonance. An abusive person will want to paint themselves as a victim and perfect therefore they will ignore any evidence that is contrary to their belief.
To a degree we all engage in cognitive dissonance such as smoking, people know it's bad for them but will try to justify or ignore the facts however of it's used against a partner then it's unhealthy and often toxic.

Some horrible examples here, as @BillieSpain said, people are really really odd!
And as others have said, the lies are so petty that if I start questioning it in public and arguing back then I would just make myself look stupid really. My friends don't really care who painted what, so it would just be me causing a scene and creating an atmosphere.

Based on all your comments, it does seem like he is doing it as a form of abuse, however I do believe he genuinely believes his own lies. Which also makes sense reading your posts.

Can't believe how many of us are in the same boat. Really sad about that and had no idea it was so common.

I will definitely be taking more selfies and pictures now as evidence, that is a great idea! Although sad it has to come to that.
I am not in a position to think about leaving, have a newborn baby so my focus is on them at the moment.

It's really unlikely to be the only form of emotional abuse you are experiencing in the relationship - have a read of this www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673 and think about whether some of these other behaviours are also present.

DH is always trying to paint his late mother in a positive light. He tells me things about her all the time which are blatantly not true (I think he just thinks they were).
Remember when my mum used to come down and help with the kids and clean the house for you (never happened). Remember when you first visited my parents and they showed you about and took you on lots of day trips (not true).
In his case he’s willing it to be true.

Only about one particular thing, as he is marvellous 95% of the time and does far more than me. It came up again yesterday and I listened to his version again - when we were on holiday 7 years ago and some young men were behaving very badly on the beach and upsetting me (racist and homophobic shouting) I went down and asked them politely to tone it down. They did and were very apologetic. He has since recalled it (in the last couple of years, neither mentioned it till then) as he did this! I guess it touched a raw subconscious nerve that I did it, and he had to reframe it. But as I am (in contrast to him as he finds it awkward) bad-pint returner, hotel room complainer, move back a bit requester, tradesperson please redo-this-bit person, then it was likely gonna be me. I won't correct him, it was clearly important and nothing to be gained. I heard him describe it to someone else the same way not too long ago. He genuinely believes it was him. (I sound great, don't I, but I do these things for both of us where necessary and only when necessary.)The things you mention OP would bug me as that was graft you put in there and as you say it makes it look like you want praise for something you didn't do (although you did!)

Yes my husband insists my dad had a poly tunnel for tomatoes in the garden, but he never did

My ex used to do this a lot. He'd never accept my version even though I was 100% certain I was correct - I have an excellent memory for detail.

Eventually I just stated saying "That's fine - you're wrong, but I'm not arguing about it" and refuse to rise to the bait.

Mine had a false memory of us meeting - he could not remember us meeting for the very first time two years before we officially met - I always found that amusing. But then a few weeks ago I realised that we had met again a year after the first time and neither of us remembered that.

How've the example you gave doesn't sound like a similar thing, it sounds more like he is ignoring your contribution deliberately.

My exh told everyone he did all the shopping..
We had a big family. He had made an arrangement with the manager of a local supermarket that we could buy more than the allowance of 2 boxes of cereal so he went for those...
And bulk buyed yogurts.
Nothing else..

I've seen it recently with my son. He said something a few years ago and now he's denied saying it.

Just be thankful your memory is better than his.

Based on all your comments, it does seem like he is doing it as a form of abuse, however I do believe he genuinely believes his own lies.

Another one here with an ex who was the same. He was SO believable, but it was his truth. It was quite a shock to me to realise what an accomplished liar he was. I was aware he was gaslighting me but it was still a shock which, along with many other areas of the abuse, was a complete headfuck.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, smellywellies