Anyone else have a DH with a false memory?

[smellywellies9]

This happens all the time but to give an example, we moved house around 5 years ago and did all the painting and decorating ourselves. We both took time off work and did all of it together, DH did all the ceilings as he was taller and I did the walls. It was very much a joint effort.
Having a conversation with some friends earlier and DH proclaimed that he did all the decorating himself and I didn't do any of it, he denied me having any involvement whatsoever and said it was all him. Not only did this embarrass me as it made me look like I was lying to our friends, but it also wasn't true!! DH does things like this all the time. Anyone else have the same problem??

So he has a bad memory but his new recollection casts him as the hero...always.

My DH exaggerates, tells little lies, and makes false promises. it drives me crazy

Memories are highly malleable. It’s not like a video recording. They tend to change to suit what we happen to believe. Perhaps he really does believe he did it all himself and this reinforces some belief he’s got about his role and yours.

I have examples from my own life when my sister and I remember things that happened when we were children totally differently, and are equally convinced we’re right.

This is abuse. As PP said, if it was due to memory it wouldn't always be in his favour.

My ex always has his own versions of the past. He always has done. He makes a story fit the narrative he wants it to.

The fact he tells people stories that make you seem to be lying or crazy isn't an accident.

Even if he believes it, it's because he lives in a world where only he is important.

[quote smellywellies9]@AlohaMolly Sorry to hear you are experiencing it too! It does make you feel like you're going mad sometimes! Does he acknowledge when you tell him he is gaslighting you? Does he ever admit he got his facts wrong? Any tips on how to deal with it?!?[/quote]
At the moment he laughs it off, both publicly and privately. I used to just go along with it in public because, well, social conditioning to not make a fuss I suppose? But now I stay calm and state the facts because I’m fed up of everyone else being fed the narrative that I’m the dickhead when it’s him.

Do your DP’s ‘memories’ make him out to be the brave underdog/hero provider? DP’s favourite one atm is that he is the sole financial provider. He has managed to convince himself of his and it fucks me right off because, actually, it’s me. I tell him so every time but it’s a persistent story.

This seems a lot more common than I realised! Note that most of you refer to these men as exes!!

He definitely likes to play the victim when it suits him and is generally pretty selfish.

Your husband is a narcissistic, gaslighting, self-absorbed arsehole and this is who you're going to spend the rest of your life with? A man that has no respect or appreciation for you? Why are you with a man like this?

My ex is convinced I talked him into having children. Apparrently I used him. That's really not how it was but it doesn't stop him being a massively resentful tosser. I distinctly remember the conversations we had about having kids. I was the unsure one. Ah well, he's an ex now. Thank goodness.

My fil has this habit of remembering things in a way that cast him in a positive light and not necessity the way things happened.
He was (is) a bad selfish parent and I understand also an abusive partner so these days I take everything he says with a pinch of salt.

If you paint a room or pout a shed up take a selfie with yourself and DH with paint brushes or screwdrivers or whatever

I know a few people that do this. Its not gas lighting, because they're genuinely convinced they are right. It's to do with their internal narrative when they 'replay' the memory in their head focusing on the part they care about and erasing the parts they dont (and filling in the gaps accordingly).

So in your example, his focus was on the fact that HE did such a good job of the decorating. Yes, you helped, but whenever he thought of the decorating he didnt think about how hard you worked too, or that it was fun to work together, his focus was on himself and his great achievements. Gradually the memory was altered so he really doesnt have any recollection of you helping.

It sounds bonkers but this is why witness accounts arent taken as 100% reliable anymore!

Yes, my husband does it all the time.

Worst recent one was 'you walked DD to school (20 mins away) and picked her up until she was 6.
She only started the school when she was 5... basically you did no school runs'

Luckily DD piped up, 'I went from 4 and mama walked me until I was nearly 11'

Areshole. He really believes it. I am sure he tells his family these lies too.

What are his good points? From this he sounds like a selfish twat.

This is horrible - sorry you are having to put up with this. No would be raging.

Yeah mine does all the time, total arsehole.

Yep. Gaslighting and abuse.

My mother, ex husband and most recent boyfriend did it.

One of the most obvious examples from my mother was the time we bumped into some people I did a hobby with.

She told them that I had begged her to do the hobby too but she couldn't because the only reason I was able to do it was because she babysat for me.

My husband and I just stood there open mouthed. I had never asked her to join me; I never asked her to babysit; my husband was at home home so always looked after the children.

It was said with the intention of making her look generous, self sacrificing and supportive; and to make me look a bit stupid (for not realising she couldn't babysit and do the babysitting.

And i couldn't call her out on it because it made me look irrational. After all, why on earth would someone lie about something like that so blatantly and in front of me?

Long story short, I'm now nc with her.

My sister once said, in front of my husband, 'you didn't live in London for ten years'

My husband LOVED this. It backed up all HIS lies about me.

I did live there for ten years, for more than that. Half the time with her. I had a fabulous job and could prove it with my tax record. These are the lengths you end up going to with people that treat you like this.

People are really, really, odd.

Oh cmon, that’s not a false memory he’s just a lying self important boasting toad trying to big himself up at yout expense. Funny how he never seems to have a false memory of you doing it all.

My husband does shit like this to me all the time. It's infuriating. Whatever you do don't mention gaslighting to him or he will take it very personally and get offended

@HadToPutTheHeatingOn that is disgusting, unfortunately, I can well believe it. It is so manipulative and clever.

Tell him that if he ever does this again you will be calling him out on it, accompanied by a lot of detail about (a) how little he actually did and (b) how often he lies about these things.

Doesn't actually matter if he appears to genuinely believe his own bullshit - the effect on you is the same as if he intended to gaslight you.

And given it's always self-aggrandizing and tends to make you look bad, I'd give the so-called genuineness of it the hairy eyeball.

I'd get a spray can and write in huge spray on letters on the wall that you painted "REMINDER-THIS IS THE WALL THAT YOU HAVE NOT YET PAINTED".

Ex did the same...he would tell people he did all the decorating. It was gaslighting but also start of a smear campaign which included OW.
He did it with other events. I thought he had a poor memory or wasn't interested in things that impacted me. I didn't know about gaslighting then.

Yes. We’ll have a discussion and he’ll say when did I do/say that?? As if I keep a diary of everything he’s ever said. Consequently I don’t bother talking very much as it pisses me off so much.