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Original poster

been with dh24 years, now find out he is bisexual

27 replies

deeplyhackedoff · 14/11/2007 14:33

tile says it all really. I've been with dh 24 years, married for 15. The dc's snarled up mine (and theirs) computer so I borrowed his whilst he was at work yesterday. He's always been really protective of this and no-one else is allowed to use it, under the guise of the dc's might damge it etc. I find it full of gay images, registration pages for gay dating agencies, hotmail accounts and so on]sad].
I had no idea, I feel so foolish - until lunchtime yesterday i was happily married and now this bombshell.
I talked to him last night, he told me what a relief it was that i knew and he basically just expects us to carry on - he was even after sex last night!
I love him, very much and he says he loves me more than ever, but if so why endanger our relationship, and our dc's happiness with all this

OP posts:
taxidriver · 14/11/2007 14:33

how awful for you

MrsSlocomb · 14/11/2007 14:35

Oh blimey You must be really, really shocked. Don't know what to say, just wanted to lend you some cyber support {{{{hugs}}}}

HuwEdwards · 14/11/2007 14:35

Counselling - there's little hope of you getting through such a shock without it, I think.

DumbledoresGirl · 14/11/2007 14:37

Do you have any evidence that he has been having affairs with other men? Or is it "just" the fact that he is attracted to men as well as women that upsets you?

CountessDracula · 14/11/2007 14:37

I agree counselling

Did he say whether he has acted on this or not? Or is it a fantasy

ggglimpopo · 14/11/2007 14:37

Has he had physical relationships elsewhere?

What an incredible shock for you. You sound admirably calm.

GibbonInABloodSoakedRibbon · 14/11/2007 14:37

How awful for you...I imagine you're in complete shock.
Does he really expect life to carry on as normal?
Agree that counselling is a must.

Bundle · 14/11/2007 14:38

gosh what a shock for you.

agree that counselling is the obvious step, you'll both need professional help to come to terms with what has happened.

wrt your relationship, I think it depends if he's "seeing" anyone (or has) - or was "just" using the images for self-gratification, and wants to continue your relationship.

StaryNightSky · 14/11/2007 14:39

Oh Dear, What a shock for you.

Sorry to have to say this, but have you thought about getting to the doctors and getting tested for STD/STI.

I'm sure your DH has been completly faithful but hiding such a large part of his life, it must be worth your own piece of mind.

Also get your self to relate, preferably with your DH YOu need time to adjust o this and see how YOU Feel.

Really hope you are ok.

Take care

CountessDracula · 14/11/2007 14:42

I should imagine it is the feeling of betrayal - him not telling you about such an important part of his life. That sort of feeling can be stronger than the reaction to the actual fact IYKWIM. Ie you may not be repelled per se by the fact that your dh is bisexual (or of course you may) but you now have to get used a new reality, he is not the person you thought he was.

I think you should try and find a counsellor asap, it will help you get your thoughts in order and understand what it is you are actually feeling.

CantSleepWontSleep · 14/11/2007 14:43

Well that certainly is a big shock, but let's try and consider it a bit rationally for a moment (which might be hard for you being obviously so close to the situation).

Has he actually done anything with another man whilst you've been married? If yes, then I too would be livid, as adultery is adultery, regardless of which sex it's with.

If, however, it's just looking at images on the pc, then can you try to treat it as though you've caught him just looking at porn? How would you have felt if he'd been looking at images of other women? If you'd be ok with that, then try and focus on the fact that he had a choice of plenty of men as well as women, and yet he still chose to settle down and spend his life with you.

The suggestion of counselling sounds like a good one, to give you both a chance to talk about how you feel about the situation, and how you continue happily in your marriage with this additional knowledge.

Best of luck.

Original poster
deeplyhackedoff · 14/11/2007 14:44

Thanks
I did wonder about STD testing.
Counselling we''l have to go some distance out of area for because of his (related) profession, couldn't bear for it to be anybody who knew him, or us.
He says he hasn't had a relationship (he clearly was thinking of one, otherwise why register with the dating agencies?)
I don't know, in fact I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Marina · 14/11/2007 14:47

What a horrific shock, I'm so sorry.

scorpio1 · 14/11/2007 14:49

Do you think its a possibility he just wanted to talk over the net with other bi-sexual men?

MrsSlocomb · 14/11/2007 14:49

Whether he's had a relationship or not you are now with a man you don't really know in the way you thought you did.

Raffaella · 14/11/2007 14:50

Really don't know what to say, what a horrible thing to find out.

So sorry.

Original poster
deeplyhackedoff · 14/11/2007 14:57

MrsSlocomb, that's so right. I thought I knew him totally. I have no secrets from him (apart from this musmnet nickname!) though tbh i don't care if does read this.

OP posts:
GibbonInABloodSoakedRibbon · 14/11/2007 14:59

Agree that a visit to the GUM clinic for both of you is in order. Completely confidential, GP doesn't even have to know.
I assume, if this has already crossed your mind, you have wondered if he has pursued any relationship?
You need time for this to sink in. So sorry for the turmoil you must be in right now.

CountessDracula · 14/11/2007 15:00

Right so if he hasn't actually done anything (and I don't think registering on those sites necessarily means he would have gone through with it) then that should make untangling it all a bit easier At least he hasn't been unfaithful. How would you feel if you found he had been looking at straight porn or registering on straight dating sites?

What is it that actually upsets you the most?
The fact that he is bisexual
The fact that he has been hiding it from you
or the fact that he has found the need to seek emotional/sexual gratification outside your marriage?

I should imagine it is a pretty difficult thing to tell someone if you don't do it at the outset of the relationship. I can imagine that maybe he thought that as it was something he would never act on and was just a fantasy and might upset you he would keep it to himself. Is he ashamed of it? Presumably to some extent as he has kept it a secret.

I think you have to come to terms with whether you can still have a relationshop with this man that you thought you knew, whether you can accept him with his flaws. He is only human and you can't help your own sexuality iykwim.

You have to get to know the new him too - couples counselling should help with that and I should imagine you will each need your own too.

madamez · 14/11/2007 15:04

Sorry you have had such a shock, and agree with other posters that you will probably need to talk this over with a professional or expert counsellor: try to find one who is broadminded as some are not and might be unhelpful.

I have to say that I'm also sorry for your DH, as this is a bit different from siimply wanting to have sex elsewhere. Is he from a very traditional, homophobic background by any chance? It's going to be hard for you to adjust to what you have found out and harder still if you are likely to be exposed to sexist or homophobic rubbish from other people. Best of luck in dealing with this.

StaryNightSky · 14/11/2007 15:04

Oh

I'm really sorry but if your DH is bisexual and has been "keeping" that from you for the last 24 years. Then I think I would got the GUM clinic even though he says he has been faithful.

Sorry to sound hard hearted over this (I really feel for you) But can you trust anything he says to you at the moment?

SpeccieSeccie · 14/11/2007 15:05

Ouch, what a complete shock. How horrible for you. It really can't be nice to find out that he's been keeping such a secret from you all this time, regardless of whether he's acted on it.

I think the other posters who've suggested an STD test are speaking sense. That's the most urgent thing. Even if he's telling the truth, you probably aren't going to trust him again in a hurry and you don't want to be worrying about your physical health as well as your relationship.

So sorry for you, that's awful. Thank goodness it was you and not your dcs who found the porn, though.

Squeakybrushes · 14/11/2007 15:16

that's so shocking and must be really hard for you to be dealing with right now. his reaction is a little odd, expecting you to just carry on as normal. if it had been straight porn/dating agencies would he have expected you to do the same?

shoptilidrop · 14/11/2007 16:12

wow, what a shock, i feel for you.

Your head must be all over the place at the momment.

I dont know what else to say really.

Original poster
deeplyhackedoff · 14/11/2007 21:38

I think two things really upset me the most,
one that he has been hiding this from me for 24 years, I just feel like I've been deceived without good cause, and that he needs to seek gratification outside our marriage.
without it being tmi we have plenty of sex and he appears to enjoy it - though god knows what he is thinking when he does it
I would be just as upset if had been straight dating sites/porn - he's never used porn (to my knowledge ha) during our relationship.

OP posts:
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