Trigger warning: same sex relationship, rejection, sex, eating disorder, body dysmorphia mentioned. But would appreciate some help.

[Sasski]

I'm in my first same sex relationship of 3 years after realising I'm gay 5 years ago. My partner is caring and loving and romantic and she's everything I ever wished for. For the first time I felt happy, confident and comfortable and began to enjoy sex because it felt right with her.

I had been battling bulimia and body dysmorphia for ten years when we got together and was unhealthily underweight. I think it was my way of coping with a past abusive relationship. But being happy has helped me to heal and I'm now at a healthy weight and gained 24lb since we got together (she doesn't know about this part of my past. She knows I obsessively dieted and exercised but that's it.) And have gone from children’s clothing size age 13/14 to women’s UK size 10/12 (I'm 35).

She has always said I'm a natural in the bedroom when it comes to sex and it's like being with a woman who has only had sex with women which I've always felt was a big compliment.

However, 15 months ago I noticed a change and she has become completely disinterested in sex (since I gained weight). I think we've had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in 19 months and the last time we did was 9 months ago. All initiated by me and she seemed to want it over with as soon as possible.

When I talk to her about it she says she's been really stressed with work and finances and other stuff that she cant tell me about but it's nothing that I've done and we are good. She still loves me and fancies me and I turn her on. But being rejected when I try to initiate things has now made me stop trying. I'm really feeling low and have no confidence. No matter how much she reassures me, that side of me that had the dysmorphia and eating disorder is now creeping back and I feel ugly, fat and repulsive. I cover myself up and don't want her to see me naked as I'm scared I disgust her. I can't even bare to put body lotion on myself and I feel so disgusted in myself and I avoid mirrors. I wear baggy clothes avoid photos and don't want to be in social situations as I'm worried people think I look gross.

I asked her if it's my weight and body are putting her off and she said no and that I look healthier now and looked poorly when I was skinny and she was worried about me back then. But I know that back then she couldn't keep her hands off me. She also regularly talks about how slim she is and flashes her abs at me only yesterday she was showing off because her size 8 jeans were too baggy on her then she asked me if her bum looked big in the baggy size 8 jeans. She will regularly make comments that she’s always been a size 6- 8 and struggles to put weight on and would cry if she ever went up to a 10- 12. I’m now in size 10/12 so all I take from these comments is that she must look at me like that, which she insists she doesn’t.

She often speaks openly about her past sex experiences with exes and how great their bodies were. I've always been open with her about being comfortable trying things with her but I feel she's always held back with me compared to the exes. I'm worries she’s bored but she’s adamant she isn't.

Again this is really triggering alot of negative thoughts and behaviours for me and I find myself comparing myself to her exes and worrying that she is too. I'm restricting food, obsessively exercising, weighing myself daily, taking diet pills and have purged a few times recently. My body is so beaten from the historic eating disorder that I now really struggle to lose weight. I feel the bulimia coming back and am trying to fight it but this s situation is not helping. She was recently taking about past sex with exes again and stuff she did with them. I said to her "I'm happy you had such great sex with your exes because you're not getting it now with me and I'm really sorry you don't want to with me". She says it's not that and it's in my head and she finds me sexy. But her words and actions don’t match.

Everything else is perfect. So do I just accept I'm in a sexless relationship? I described our relationship as sexless to her and she laughed and said it isn't. It's just a "blip" and she will be back to normal soon. She worries I'll leave her because she has lost her sex drive. Which I told her I won't as I do love her. I think if she turned around and got her sex drive back that the damage is done on my side and I'll struggle to be intimate with her now as I'm just so self conscious.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading it all! I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and don't really know what to do?

I think you've met someone who also has body image issues, and your right, she is only attracted to very skinny partners. This is a very dangerous situation for you to be in as it is already triggering negative thoughts and actions.

Could you talk to a counsellor to help with these issues? If you leave it too long the negative thoughts will overwhelm you and you will stop being able to see the issue for what it is.

Personally I'd say this relationship is not healthy for you and it's time to walk away for self preservation.

A relationship with a woman isn't any different from one with a man in that deceptions and other issues can occur

All sounds OK and normal. No issues no stress. You've just got to get on with it.

@Tomyoneandonly

All sounds OK and normal. No issues no stress. You've just got to get on with it.

The fuck?

Isn't a sexless relationship just a friendship? You're only 35 do you really want to be in a sexless relationship the rest of your life?? All relationships go through dry spells but yours does seem very long!

I find it a massive red flag that she keeps talking about her sex life with exs and saying she would hate to be your weight is so insensitive, how does she think this is going to make you feel? A partner should be your biggest supporter not having indirect digs at you, i would definitely call her out on it.

OP, it’s not a good relationship. You can’t be honest with her, your mental and physical health are wrecked, you’re hurting yourself, and all the while she’s torturing you with tales of swinging from the chandeliers with an array of exes while rejecting you and criticising your body by saying she thinks being your size is something that would make her cry.

That’s all horrendously unhealthy and awful.

She laughs when you raise valid concerns and dismisses you.

What about this is perfect?

Please access professional help, can you talk to your GP or an ED charity?

I can’t see how you’ll get better if you stay with her. She was attracted to you when you were worrying thin and it seems like she’s less interested now you’re a healthier size. That’s killing your self esteem and compounding your longstanding struggles.

Sasski, very sorry to hear you're in this painful place. It seems to be a problem with a number of threads to it and they're understandably interacting in a very stressful way. Do you and your partner have access to counselling, either together or separately? Clearly she's being insensitive talking about exes, and there needs to be more communication to impress on her just how destructive that is - especially in the current situation where you're insecure. In terms of her lack of sex drive, it's impossible for us to judge from this thread whether she's going through a low libido patch (entirely possible) or whether it's about you. But your insecurity and self doubt are shouting so loudly here that I'd urge you not to jump to that conclusion too quickly. It does sound as if you need to find a way to really talk through the issues. (Easier said than done, I know, as she seems to be avoiding it.)

I think she’s trying to overcompensate her own lack of libido by making out she was at it all the time with previous partners. That’s probably total BS.

As for making you feel bad about your size with covert comments, well that’s just abusive.

She sounds like she has serious body issues herself. Talking that way about being a size 10/12 when she knows your history and how hard this has been for you is nothing short of cruel. Sorry to say it but it is. She’s also contradicting herself and sounds like playing mind games with you. She likes your body and thinks you look great now but won’t touch you and openly talks about her own underweight body. She says she’s gone off sex because of reasons not to do with you but then throws her previous sexual partners and their ‘great’ bodies in your face.

She sounds like a massive headfuck.

I’m sorry but I think that perhaps she may not be the right partner for you, in terms of bringing out the best in you. The way she is and body issues that she may have are triggering your own issues. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship for you. Perhaps seek counselling on your own or together but listen to your heart - you’ve identified that your behaviour has changed and old issues are resurfacing. I think you know if things carry on the way they are this will not be good for you. 💐

I think it was my way of coping with a past abusive relationship. But being happy has helped me to heal and I'm now at a healthy weight and gained 24lb since we got together (she doesn't know about this part of my past.

Maybe you should chance telling her about the trauma, your eating disorder and its triggers.

If she is inadvertently triggering you, she should stop if she loves you.

If she continues, you will know she doesn't have your best interests at heart.

It may be that either way you need to end the relationship with her for your own sake. Sometimes these things just don't work out and have their day.

But if you still trust her, it's worth being honest? If you don't trust her, then it's done with already, you just have to admit it to yourself.

I'm really sorry to hear of your current difficulties. I think it's incredibly difficult to keep ourselves well when there are so many messages, people and beliefs that are problematic for people with ED histories.

It's quite possible that you are incompatible. An ED was/is a big part of your life and recovery will take a lot of effort. You really need someone to understand and do what they can to support. How do you feel she would react if you gave a little more detail to your circumstances?

It's incredibly difficult with an ED because often we seek validation on our appearance to soothe the validation we need as a person. The lack of sex could just be her stuff to deal with and not about your body/appearance at all but the ED will be telling you there's a simple self destructive fix and it's in your hands to deal with. It's much harder having to wait for someone else to be ready when you could be doing something about it right now. If you revert back to the ED, your relief would likely only be temporary because you would be controlled by all the fear and worry around food/appearance which would consume much more of your thoughts, as they are already doing.

If your old behaviours are coming back I would recommend seeing your GP for monitoring and maybe a referral to the ED team. It's much better to have early intervention with relapses. I left my ex because I knew I was never going to recover in that relationship and recovery absolutely had to come first for me (he was a twat though which made it easier).

Mmmm. I think she’s got some sort of problem with body image tbh.
It’s ok for you to be you. You are good enough. I agree that counselling and honest conversations with your partner are the way forward. Courage

This relationship is not good for you. It looks like she has some body issues of her own. She could be being honest about having a temporarily low libido but her comments are hurting not only your feelings but also your health. I can't imagine telling someone that I would cry if I got to a certain dress size knowing that they are that size, I wouldn't do that to a woman I barely know let alone someone that I love. That was said to hurt and/or manipulate you. I would advise you to end this relationship, though I know it's easier said than done.

She will regularly make comments that she’s always been a size 6- 8 and struggles to put weight on and would cry if she ever went up to a 10- 12. I’m now in size 10/12 so all I take from these comments is that she must look at me like that, which she insists she doesn’t.

She often speaks openly about her past sex experiences with exes and how great their bodies were.

She's a prick. Seriously - at best she's insensitive, self absorbed and thoughtless. At worst (and IMO more likely) she's insensitive, self absorbed and enjoying you feeling crap about yourself for some reason.
M

'But her words and actions don’t match.' Eek. It sounds like you are both somehow competing with each other in some way over your body issues. The way she talks about sex with her exes is hideous and I want to urge you to run a mile. She hasn't made you well OP, you turned your own corner on wellness but it sounds to me like your old patterns are back and you need to decide how to protect yourself. You won't do it with this lady.

This sounds like a really painful relationship 💐 perhaps you are both triggering each other, perhaps this has become some kind of unspoken power struggle but either way it's not healthy for either of you. Have to say I would run a mile if my partner kept going on about fantastic sex with exes while choosing not to have any with me... It's ok to talk about previous experiences early on perhaps, in terms of explaining sexual preferences... But definitely not in an ongoing and boastful way like this.

Also, do you have a pattern of relationships where you are manipulated? Because you are being now. Please seek counseling.

“Everything else is perfect.”

Dear OP - it may be true that the trivial stuff is perfect but, based on your description, the really important stuff is truly awful. 10-12 is a beautiful and very right size for an adult woman. Actually I’m a size 16 (18 below probably) and I think I look like a goddess. I bet you look like a goddess too.

However good your relationship was initially, it sounds toxic now. She rejects you sexually. That might well be because of stress but it’s unsurprisingly having a devastating effect on you. And most adults in romantic partnerships manage to retain some sexual intimacy despite exhaustion/stress etc. Unless you’re both happy without sex, it’s likely to spell the end of your relationship even without the other problems. But the fact is that this relationship is making you ill. It just doesn’t sound like the right place for you to be any more. Whatever is good surely cannot make up for the devastation that her actions are wreaking on your emotional and mental health. What real life support do you have to help you disengage from her, OP?

She sounds like a dickhead to be blunt op. Get rid.

Your partner is not a good person. I think she is deliberately trying to make you feel insecure about your weight and all of her past partners. No decent person would ever say the things she does. Dump and run.

I don't think she sounds very kind OP, although I'm guessing she probably is in other ways and that it's confusing.

If your sex life is dwindling, she is unkind to refer to her previous amazing sex life with exes. (I think that's pretty shitty even if you were having sex three times a day tbh, but that's by the by.)

If you've put on weight, she is being unkind by saying she wouldn't like to be your size.

People can say very cruel and unkind things in a tone that sounds reasonable and nice. They can make you feel like you're oversensitive and insecure and that they didn't mean it. But this is the cruellest kind of manipulation.

You're worth more than this.

OP that is painful to read. It may all be unintentional on her side, but this is now an unhealthy relationship for you that is causing you mental anguish. I know it so hard to give up on something that was once so good. But this is damaging you both physically and mentally.

Good lord, she sounds horrible. Why would she talk so much about the great sex and great bodies of her exes?
As everyone else says - leave. You can do a lot better.

If a male partner told you how great his exes bodies were and how good they were in bed, would you still think he was a nice bloke? No. He would be a cunt. Same applies here.

@Sasski

I'm in my first same sex relationship of 3 years after realising I'm gay 5 years ago. My partner is caring and loving and romantic and she's everything I ever wished for. For the first time I felt happy, confident and comfortable and began to enjoy sex because it felt right with her.

I had been battling bulimia and body dysmorphia for ten years when we got together and was unhealthily underweight. I think it was my way of coping with a past abusive relationship. But being happy has helped me to heal and I'm now at a healthy weight and gained 24lb since we got together (she doesn't know about this part of my past. She knows I obsessively dieted and exercised but that's it.) And have gone from children’s clothing size age 13/14 to women’s UK size 10/12 (I'm 35).

She has always said I'm a natural in the bedroom when it comes to sex and it's like being with a woman who has only had sex with women which I've always felt was a big compliment.

However, 15 months ago I noticed a change and she has become completely disinterested in sex (since I gained weight). I think we've had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in 19 months and the last time we did was 9 months ago. All initiated by me and she seemed to want it over with as soon as possible.

When I talk to her about it she says she's been really stressed with work and finances and other stuff that she cant tell me about but it's nothing that I've done and we are good. She still loves me and fancies me and I turn her on. But being rejected when I try to initiate things has now made me stop trying. I'm really feeling low and have no confidence. No matter how much she reassures me, that side of me that had the dysmorphia and eating disorder is now creeping back and I feel ugly, fat and repulsive. I cover myself up and don't want her to see me naked as I'm scared I disgust her. I can't even bare to put body lotion on myself and I feel so disgusted in myself and I avoid mirrors. I wear baggy clothes avoid photos and don't want to be in social situations as I'm worried people think I look gross.

I asked her if it's my weight and body are putting her off and she said no and that I look healthier now and looked poorly when I was skinny and she was worried about me back then. But I know that back then she couldn't keep her hands off me. She also regularly talks about how slim she is and flashes her abs at me only yesterday she was showing off because her size 8 jeans were too baggy on her then she asked me if her bum looked big in the baggy size 8 jeans. She will regularly make comments that she’s always been a size 6- 8 and struggles to put weight on and would cry if she ever went up to a 10- 12. I’m now in size 10/12 so all I take from these comments is that she must look at me like that, which she insists she doesn’t.

She often speaks openly about her past sex experiences with exes and how great their bodies were. I've always been open with her about being comfortable trying things with her but I feel she's always held back with me compared to the exes. I'm worries she’s bored but she’s adamant she isn't.

Again this is really triggering alot of negative thoughts and behaviours for me and I find myself comparing myself to her exes and worrying that she is too. I'm restricting food, obsessively exercising, weighing myself daily, taking diet pills and have purged a few times recently. My body is so beaten from the historic eating disorder that I now really struggle to lose weight. I feel the bulimia coming back and am trying to fight it but this s situation is not helping. She was recently taking about past sex with exes again and stuff she did with them. I said to her "I'm happy you had such great sex with your exes because you're not getting it now with me and I'm really sorry you don't want to with me". She says it's not that and it's in my head and she finds me sexy. But her words and actions don’t match.

Everything else is perfect. So do I just accept I'm in a sexless relationship? I described our relationship as sexless to her and she laughed and said it isn't. It's just a "blip" and she will be back to normal soon. She worries I'll leave her because she has lost her sex drive. Which I told her I won't as I do love her. I think if she turned around and got her sex drive back that the damage is done on my side and I'll struggle to be intimate with her now as I'm just so self conscious.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading it all! I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and don't really know what to do?

OP I want to say well done for putting on weight and doing so well. It's been a long road for you but you're doing so well.

OP relationships end and this one is over. The relationship which did some much good for you is now toxic and triggering. You need to end it and move on. There are loads of lovely women out there who will love you and care for you and give you what you need.