Trigger warning: same sex relationship, rejection, sex, eating disorder, body dysmorphia mentioned. But would appreciate some help.

[Sasski]

I'm in my first same sex relationship of 3 years after realising I'm gay 5 years ago. My partner is caring and loving and romantic and she's everything I ever wished for. For the first time I felt happy, confident and comfortable and began to enjoy sex because it felt right with her.

I had been battling bulimia and body dysmorphia for ten years when we got together and was unhealthily underweight. I think it was my way of coping with a past abusive relationship. But being happy has helped me to heal and I'm now at a healthy weight and gained 24lb since we got together (she doesn't know about this part of my past. She knows I obsessively dieted and exercised but that's it.) And have gone from children’s clothing size age 13/14 to women’s UK size 10/12 (I'm 35).

She has always said I'm a natural in the bedroom when it comes to sex and it's like being with a woman who has only had sex with women which I've always felt was a big compliment.

However, 15 months ago I noticed a change and she has become completely disinterested in sex (since I gained weight). I think we've had sex maybe 3 or 4 times in 19 months and the last time we did was 9 months ago. All initiated by me and she seemed to want it over with as soon as possible.

When I talk to her about it she says she's been really stressed with work and finances and other stuff that she cant tell me about but it's nothing that I've done and we are good. She still loves me and fancies me and I turn her on. But being rejected when I try to initiate things has now made me stop trying. I'm really feeling low and have no confidence. No matter how much she reassures me, that side of me that had the dysmorphia and eating disorder is now creeping back and I feel ugly, fat and repulsive. I cover myself up and don't want her to see me naked as I'm scared I disgust her. I can't even bare to put body lotion on myself and I feel so disgusted in myself and I avoid mirrors. I wear baggy clothes avoid photos and don't want to be in social situations as I'm worried people think I look gross.

I asked her if it's my weight and body are putting her off and she said no and that I look healthier now and looked poorly when I was skinny and she was worried about me back then. But I know that back then she couldn't keep her hands off me. She also regularly talks about how slim she is and flashes her abs at me only yesterday she was showing off because her size 8 jeans were too baggy on her then she asked me if her bum looked big in the baggy size 8 jeans. She will regularly make comments that she’s always been a size 6- 8 and struggles to put weight on and would cry if she ever went up to a 10- 12. I’m now in size 10/12 so all I take from these comments is that she must look at me like that, which she insists she doesn’t.

She often speaks openly about her past sex experiences with exes and how great their bodies were. I've always been open with her about being comfortable trying things with her but I feel she's always held back with me compared to the exes. I'm worries she’s bored but she’s adamant she isn't.

Again this is really triggering alot of negative thoughts and behaviours for me and I find myself comparing myself to her exes and worrying that she is too. I'm restricting food, obsessively exercising, weighing myself daily, taking diet pills and have purged a few times recently. My body is so beaten from the historic eating disorder that I now really struggle to lose weight. I feel the bulimia coming back and am trying to fight it but this s situation is not helping. She was recently taking about past sex with exes again and stuff she did with them. I said to her "I'm happy you had such great sex with your exes because you're not getting it now with me and I'm really sorry you don't want to with me". She says it's not that and it's in my head and she finds me sexy. But her words and actions don’t match.

Everything else is perfect. So do I just accept I'm in a sexless relationship? I described our relationship as sexless to her and she laughed and said it isn't. It's just a "blip" and she will be back to normal soon. She worries I'll leave her because she has lost her sex drive. Which I told her I won't as I do love her. I think if she turned around and got her sex drive back that the damage is done on my side and I'll struggle to be intimate with her now as I'm just so self conscious.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading it all! I don't have anyone I can talk to about this and don't really know what to do?

It's not perfect ....

We all have a sexual history but we don't share the details with our current partners!

Especially when we are not sleeping with with them!

She sounds like a right cow! Sorry.

Your GF has her own issues and demons. Think about it, if she's attracted to the body of a 13/14 year old, and not the body of a normal woman, then she's not just gay, she's also possibly something else?
Talking about what she did with other partners is just plain abusive. If it seemed great at the start, it was just the honeymoon phase and now her mask has slipped and she's showing her true colours.
I suspect you've been somewhat blinded by it being your first gay relationship and haven't noticed that she's actually, likely, abusive like the men you've had relationships with. Sorry to say, you've ended up in a similar cycle to your past.
Abusive people are attracted by people who are broken, they prey on them.
I think she knew you were vulnerable when you met, and she want you right back there because of her own problems.
The only way to sort this out is to leave her and work on yourself. You can't lean on another person to give you self esteem, because this is what happens when you give them the power over your happiness, they can so easily destroy it. Only though finding your own peace and happiness, will you be in a position to attract a person without their own baggage and agenda. It's no accident that some people keep ending up with abusive partners. I hope you can find the strength to walk away from this.

Looking at the timeframe, it may be that the sex issue and the body/weight isn't related. Many couples start off in the can't keep hands off each other zone and things ease off a lot, and it can be the case even more in lesbian relationships to the point where it's sometimes a joke/cliche. Am not saying that's definitely the case here, but it's worth factoring in so that this doesn't become about you beating yourself up for something that could have happened no matter what either of you did. It also might be helpful to separate the sex issue from the body issue because the latter is so bound up with your ED and your past and blaming that for your current relationship issues feels like such a step backwards after you've come so far. It sounds, as others have said, like your current relationship isn't healthy in many ways and you need help to see that and step away from it. It's very far from perfect if you're hurting yourself like this and she doesn't seem to know either how serious things were for you in the past nor how badly it's impacting you now. It's really good that you've come on here to acknowledge the problems as a first step, and now you need to keep going with that, get some help and be honest with her. And if she keeps minimising and laughing it off, then accept that she's not got your best interests at heart and move on. Your physical and mental health is way too important to jeopardise.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and reply. I really appreciate every comment and have soaked up all of the advice. I don't have any family and my friends are all amazing but I don't feel I can really talk to them about any of this. So I really do appreciate you're comments.

I definitely agree that it might be a cycle I'm in. My previous relationship was very controlling and coercive then turned abusive. My only control at that point was exercise and diet and my escape was work and the gym so I threw myself into both. The same is happening again. Work and the gym are becoming my life again as is my ED.

I have had counselling for the sexual abuse I suffered from my ex. I mentioned my ED and was told there wasn't much they could do and suggested that at my age there isn't much help I can get for it and its something I have to manage myself. I've tried to see my GP but at the moment its emergency appointments only due to covid restrictions so I can't get an appointment.

I've never told anyone in my life about my ED, I'm really ashamed of it to be honest so I just can't bring myself to tell the people close to me what's going on. I thought I'd managed to beat it but I guess being aware of it coming back and my desire to not let it take control again is progress and positive.

I have tried counselling through work. It's over the phone due to covid restrictions but it's not really done much. They told me to do an online course about coping with past trauma.

It's weird because my gf is loving and affectionate. She tells me she loves me and kisses and cuddles me and pays me compliments. But then sees me in some sexy underwear and just walks past (I gave up on trying with the sexy underwear about 12 months ago as that really did affect my self esteem when that happened). I think that was the point my ED returned with bang. I now cover up and she rarely sees me naked or in my underwear.

She talks about our future and marriage and all of that stuff. She says I'm the only partner who's made her feel secure and settled and she's the happiest shes ever been with me. She was treated badly by all those exes with the great bodies and wild sex lives and they all cheated on her then left her. So why she likes to mention them I've no idea. She says I'm the only partner shes been able to trust.

Since posting this she has said she's going to see a dr about her lack of energy and libido. So maybe this is something to do with her rather than me.

I hadn't really considered this might be controlling before but I am looking at all of this differently. I can definitely see the red flags everyone is pointing out. So thank you again for helping me to consider this might be what's happening.

It's really not weird that she is loving and affectionate when she wants to be and cold and withdrawn and casually telling you graphic details about her exes the next moment. She is human and flawed just like we all are. The problem is that her baggage is clashing with yours and the relationship has become toxic. You have returned to your patterns and she has gone to hers. You are once again in a controlling and coercive relationship, sorry to say, just this time with a woman. Are your friendships with women like this too? I ask that because I have similar issues to you and I keep making friends with women with similar controlling traits, it shows up time and again in my life. And it just occurred to me when I read a different thread about whether soul mates are real that we put such ideals onto our relationships when actually, generally, they expose our wounds and show us the areas of our life where we lack self love. Please return to counselling OP and please look at your relationship with open eyes. You deserve so much more than this.n

Being affectionate and lovely can be part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse - that's how abusers keep their partners around, it's very rarely 100% awful.

I feel like there must be support for ED available, whatever age you are. Perhaps Beat might be able to advise/support you? Their website here: www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Also, my doctor's practice offers e-consultations - it's just an online form you fill in to start with and then they phone you back to discuss a couple of days later? Does your surgery offer anything similar? It might be easier to write it down to tell them?

At size 10/12, depending on your height, you could still be very slender. Only you know. As an anorexic you would have been emaciated, not slim, which is unhealthy and unattractive. Are you lean and toned?

Your partner has not said she no longer fancies you because you have put on some weight, you are assuming this is the case.

It sounds more likely that you are just used to each other now and other issues take things away from your sex life. That happens in heterosexual relationships all the time and doesn't spell the end, it's normal. A 'new' couple will experience more frequent sex and heightened pleasure, then it settles down. Later on, for example when stresses such as finances are eased, the joy is often recaptured at times.

In your place I would just be affectionate and loving unless your partner gives you a solid reason to worry that there is something else going on.

@Maggiesfarm

In your place I would just be affectionate and loving unless your partner gives you a solid reason to worry that there is something else going on.

I think bringing up exes, their bodies and their sex lives is reason enough for OP to worry about the relationship as it's making her anxious, insecure and ill again. It's a totally toxic dynamic that OP needs to remove herself from IMO.

It's a good sign that your gf is planning to go to the gp. Shows that she expects to take some responsibility for herself.