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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Deflated

53 replies

TammyT21 · 03/05/2021 00:47

When I moved in with my partner I realised he was drinking every night. I knew he liked a drink beforehand but I thought he was a social drinker. However I soon realised even if I wasn’t drinking he would still drink on his own in the house every night. Along with me worrying about his health, it was also the root cause of most issues. One of which was that our sex life suffered. The last 2 times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to maintain an erection, one of which was tonight. I’m feeling so deflated & frustrated. I’m trying not to take it personally but these little thoughts creep in to question whether he doesn’t fancy me anymore. Even though logic tells me it’s because he’s been drinking all day today from mid afternoon. I’ve managed to get him to cut down his drinking but he still drinks 5 nights a week on average. Is that too much? And am I right the issue here is him and not me? If he stops drinking will this get better? Or is the damage done?

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 04/05/2021 09:45

@TammyT21

Does alcohol really make them happier than having a family / relationship. I can’t imagine choosing a lonely life with the bottle over a loving relationship. He did stop drinking for a few weeks when I realised he was drinking everyday which gave me hope but now it’s back to 5 days a week with a token day here or there not drinking for my benefit.
Yes, but only the drinker will see that, when I was married my SIL was an alcoholic, during her sober periods she was quite a decent person, but when she was drinking, she was vicious and vindictive and blamed everyone else for her issues, we (my exW & I), used to have to bail her out of money trouble if she had drunk all her benefits money, or couldn’t pay her council tax or anything like that, we also had to get from hospital once as got attacked in a pub fight while drunk. While this didn’t affect me directly, it did put a big strain on my marriage as ex & I were often the ones having to deal with the consequences of her drinking
user4726283 · 04/05/2021 10:15

He did stop drinking for a few weeks when I realised he was drinking everyday which gave me hope but now it’s back to 5 days a week with a token day here or there not drinking for my benefit

And this is why everyone is saying he failed the probationary period for the post of your long-term partner.
Next!

Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 10:33

The trouble is that personality wise, the drinking doesn’t really affect him. He has a job, he doesn’t go missing or off the rails, he’s not abusive or angry after a drink, he doesn’t binge drink, he drinks slow and steady - he just drinks far too much overall.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 04/05/2021 18:00

That's because he is a functional alcoholic
Seriously save yourself so much effort and heartache and get out now

Sparkybloke · 04/05/2021 18:26

I'm afraid he has a problem with alcohol. My ex (Female) would drink a bottle of wine most evenings. She became more and more unpredictable. Our sex life died. Despite paying for CBT, going with her to AA and other support groups for those with addictions nothing worked. After 10 years I threw in the towel and am much happier. New partner who is a non drinker. Fantastic sex. Sadly I'd advise you to think very seriously whether you want to be in the relationship. Alcohol addiction is extremely difficult to stop....my ex still drinks as far as I know...only the drinker can decide to stop but sadly in all too many cases promises to do so when sober are soon broken....sorry not to be more positive...

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2021 18:31

The real issue isn't him, it's you because you refuse to take the blinders off and admit this relationship is doomed. It's already over, you just haven't left yet. Your partner is an alcoholic and there is not a single thing you can do to change it, so you have to change yourself. Refuse to tolerate this and leave him. You'll have no one to blame if you stay and it gets worse, which is a 100% guarantee.

Mumoftwo1990 · 04/05/2021 18:31

@TammyT21

When I moved in with my partner I realised he was drinking every night. I knew he liked a drink beforehand but I thought he was a social drinker. However I soon realised even if I wasn’t drinking he would still drink on his own in the house every night. Along with me worrying about his health, it was also the root cause of most issues. One of which was that our sex life suffered. The last 2 times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to maintain an erection, one of which was tonight. I’m feeling so deflated & frustrated. I’m trying not to take it personally but these little thoughts creep in to question whether he doesn’t fancy me anymore. Even though logic tells me it’s because he’s been drinking all day today from mid afternoon. I’ve managed to get him to cut down his drinking but he still drinks 5 nights a week on average. Is that too much? And am I right the issue here is him and not me? If he stops drinking will this get better? Or is the damage done?
My partner has an issue with alcohol, he gave up smoking when I fell pregnant so with his stressful job the drinking increased. We are working on trying to change things but it's not easy. He's spoken to an AA person and apparently going T total is actually not what they recommend, you either need to slowly cut down or if it's life or death then cut it out. But success is less likely if you cut it out completely
Mydarlingmyhamburger · 04/05/2021 18:33

He’s an alcoholic with erectile dysfunction. It only goes downhill from here. Please don’t waste any more years with this man. I guarantee you’ll be posting on here regularly about what he’s done lately to fuck everything up

Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 21:28

@Mumoftwo1990 how much was your partner drinking before he went to AA? When I first realised the extent of my partners drinking he did do quite a long period not drinking at all but I never expected him to stop completely, just to cut down. Which he has - but hes still drinking too much as it’s affecting some parts of our relationship. I know people are saying just leave but he isn’t out of control, I think he needs to stop the bad habits like drinking in the house alone, and maybe only have 2 drinking days a week but I don’t know how to make him cut down even more without me being controlling as everyone has their own “normal” with drink don’t they?

OP posts:
Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 21:33

@Sparkybloke thank you for your insight. Maybe I am deluding myself but I still have hope things can get better. He does have days off having a beer but more for my benefit. I know if I wasn’t here he would be back drinking everyday.

OP posts:
Sparkybloke · 04/05/2021 21:50

I sincerely hope you can find a way forward...sadly as AA will tell you....the desire to give up the booze comes from within the person...as the saying goes....you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink....possibly not the most appropriate in the circumstances but hopefully you get my drift. I spent years and quite a lot of money on courses and all sorts to try and dissuade my ex....all to no avail sadly. There will come a time when you have to admit defeat and move on If he is unwilling to see the harm it is causing to your relationship and his health. If he is having erection issues when sober it is probably a sign of underlying health issues which isn't a good sign IMO...

Ambo21 · 04/05/2021 21:59

Please read through everything you have posted on this thread.
Can you see that this man puts his drinking way in front of you in his life?
Oh he will twist and turn and give a little but he will continue to drink whatever and whenever he wants. Regardless of your wishes or actions.
He will only stop drinking when he is ready.
And that might be a lifetime away.
You are worth so much more than this.
Walk away.
Life a life worthy of you.
Do not let this man bring you down.

Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 22:06

@Sparkybloke this is another of my concerns ...that the erection issues may be a sign of something more sinister. We have spoken about things again today and I’ve said I need things to get better. I think I need to keep an eye on things the next couple of months and see if that side of things improve if he’s not drinking as much. I don’t want to leave him but i will do if I need to....I’m in my 30s and i’m not ready to give up intimacy at my age! I’m glad you found a happy ending after the situation you were in 😊

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 04/05/2021 22:08

Run. Run like hell. Don’t be like me and stay...and don’t be like I was and try for any type of compromise of him drinking less, or not drinking at home, or not alone...or whatever. There is absolutely nothing you can do to get him to stop drinking/cut down/ not be a problem drinker. It all has to come from him. And he has to stick with it.

The alcoholic will run rings around you. They’ll lie and gaslight you. They’ll blame everyone but themselves for the drinking....and they’ll make every excuse for not stopping. I should have left 3/4 years before I actually pulled the plug on things..

Oh and don’t have kids with this guy and don’t marry him (I couldn’t have foreseen the alcohol and drug addictions prior to marriage and the birth of our DC - it reared its ugly head later on, but I should have left then and not after nearly 6yrs of trying everything to help him. It almost destroyed me). Look after yourself and good luck x

Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 22:14

@TicTac80 thank you for your comments. I am taking them all on board.

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 04/05/2021 22:25

Sorry, i probably sounded really crazy in my last post. It just hits me when I read stuff about problem drinkers/alcoholics...even 2yrs after I split from my ex. Really, I wish you all the best x

Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 22:29

@TicTac80 no not at all. I appreciate your story as it gives me insight on what things might be like if I stay. Did you leaving prompt your ex to sort himself out or is he still drinking do you know? X

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TicTac80 · 04/05/2021 22:49

Sadly, no he’s still drinking. The only thing that stops him drinking or doing drugs is money (the lack of it).

The good thing is that these days, he won’t come near me or the kids these days if he’s drunk/high. Before we split, he was bloody awful. To the point that it’s really triggering for me if I see drunk people.

Before we split, he said to me once (when he was paralytic) that all he wanted was to do what he wanted, and drink when he wanted. He’s got that freedom now, without the kids and myself stopping him....and I have a peaceful home, with happy settled DC. And I’m not scared anymore. X

AfterSchoolWorry · 04/05/2021 22:52

My partner has an issue with alcohol, he gave up smoking when I fell pregnant so with his stressful job the drinking increased. We are working on trying to change things but it's not easy.
He's spoken to an AA person and apparently going T total is actually not what they recommend, you either need to slowly cut down or if it's life or death then cut it out.
But success is less likely if you cut it out completely

@Mumoftwo1990

Are you sure he's not spinning you a tale there? AA is about complete abstinence afaik?

The opposite of what he's claiming they've said.

Original poster
TammyT21 · 04/05/2021 23:00

@TicTac80 I’m glad you now have a happy home. I have said to my partner before why don’t I just leave and then you can drink as much as you want. He said he doesn’t want that. I know he is trying but it’s not enough right now. The hardest part is he’s such a great guy and there’s a lot of love there.

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LuluJakey1 · 04/05/2021 23:02

Leave asap. Drinking like that will only cause you heartache. You can do better.

Nannyamc · 04/05/2021 23:18

I too was in this position only with my son. Life was pure hell with an 18 month old son. He split from his partner and hit rock bottom. He decided to go to rehab for 3 months and it was the best thing ever. 2 years later has held onto a job goes to AA and things are great. He has his son 3 nights a week and it is fantastic to see. A miracle but it can be done. Hitting rock bottom was the best thing ever. The only way is up.

nala15 · 04/05/2021 23:21

Have you ever asked him why he feels he needs to drink? Has anything happened in his life to perhaps turn him to alcohol?
By the sounds of things you want to help him and not leave him to suffer with this as you love him.
Perhaps try and get to the root of his drinking and support him?
That's if he wants the help...

Original poster
TammyT21 · 05/05/2021 01:09

@nala15 yes he lost his mum in a bit of a traumatic way. He also used to work in a job where he saw some things he couldn’t forget so drank to them off his mind. @Nannyamc does your son now stay off the alcohol completely? I’m glad for you he found his way back x

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Original poster
TammyT21 · 05/05/2021 01:10

*to take them off his mind

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