DV but not wanting to press charges...

[justbeenpushed]

My husband pushed me over this afternoon while I was holding my toddler. The toddler's head hit the wall (he's okay). As if that wasn't enough, husband then pushed me over in front of my older child. I called the police and husband was arrested. The police came a bit later to get a statement from me but I just couldn't I make what he did to me official. He suffers from depression and anxiety and his grandmother died today. I'm a SAHM and he's the one paying for everything atm. I was scared if I'd made a statement against him, he'd lose his job and become unemployable (his job requires an enhanced DBS) and I wouldn't be able to keep a roof over our heads. He's not coming back and his behaviour means a definite divorce but I'm feeling so sorry for my children who dote on their father. My children are 1 and 2. How do I reassure the children and what do I do next? I need to get back to work ASAP but I need to jump through a million hurdles before then (finding watertight childcare, applying for a new passport to reregister with my professional body to do the job I'm trained to do, etc.). I'm scared I'm going to find things too tough on my own and let him back in (I won't but I'm really scared in case I can't cope).

I expect social services will be involved and you might have to ensure (quite righty) that he doesn’t re-enter the family home.

Did you get your toddlers head injury checked out by a medical professional ?

The fact that he was arrested will show up on an enhanced DBS.

The fact that he was arrested will show up on an enhanced DBS.

Respectfully, i don't think thats right. You have to have an actual conviction or caution for it to show up on your DBS, not just an arrest.

You need to call Women’s Aid.

You need to get your child checked over.

You need to press charges.

I made a self-referral to SS las year and was told our case (exactly as it is now but without the physical violence) wasn't deemed severe enough. I've got PND and feel my life spiralling out of control. My husband has made things worse and uses his disabilities to justify why he can't help me the way I need him to. I've had to push away the PND on a daily basis just so I can be there for the children the way they need me to be. I'd welcome any support atm. I have no one and am secretly ashamed to admit to my friends what's happened to me.

For now, i'd focus on claiming universal credit, child benefit and child maintenance. Then i'd start working on how to get back into the employment sector - but I personally wouldn't be in much of a rush to do that with a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

Even if you don't press charges, the police will likely go ahead regardless. I hope you're all ok x

@MyGorramShip

You need to call Women’s Aid.

You need to get your child checked over.

You need to press charges.

The number of messages I've left WA to call me back but not had anything back. I feel like no one cares. I'm exhausted reaching out to services but not getting anything back.

The irony is the police would've supported me but I didn't have it in me to ruin that bastard's career. I feel guilty about wasting police time but they were lovely. Said husband would be kept in tonight and possibly released tomorrow. I said he wasn't welcome back.

Don't be ashamed to tell friends - it's not you thats done anything wrong. Where are your family in all this?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

For now, i'd focus on claiming universal credit, child benefit and child maintenance. Then i'd start working on how to get back into the employment sector - but I personally wouldn't be in much of a rush to do that with a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

Even if you don't press charges, the police will likely go ahead regardless. I hope you're all ok x

I don't know anything about UC. We were on it when the husband was out of work during the first lockdown but he handled it all. We struggled though as the amount awarded to us didn't cover our mortgage payments (we're both heavily in credit card debt as a result trying to fill in the gaps). I'm shit scared about the future.

You don’t have to press charges. That is your decision.

You do have to leave him and keep your children safe. Keep on to WA.

First step is housing, who owns the house? Could you use the threat of conviction to bargain so that you get to stay in the family home and he leaves?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Don't be ashamed to tell friends - it's not you thats done anything wrong. Where are your family in all this?

I come from an abusive family and am NC/LC with them. The 'true' friends I once had have long gone (after I got married). Current friends are 'mum' friends with perfect lives who just wont get it. No one knows I have PND or anything else of significance in my life. I've tried broaching the topic in the past but it was brushed off and never mentioned again.

You are doing the right thing, have you contacted Women’s Aid. They can help you work out how to leave safely.

I don't know anything about UC.

you're going to have to learn to do lots and lots of things yourself, without any support from him. Take it one step at a time. You're priority is money and housing so first thing Tuesday morning open a claim for universal credit and make an appointment at the housing department.

Don't be so sure that the mum friends have such a perfect life and won't get it. My current life with a 3 year old looks perfect from the outside (and is great). But my last relationship was 11 years of emotional abuse and cheating from him and my older sister took 6 years and a lot of support from us to leave a physically abusive marriage. I don't have reason to mention these things to people, but I understand. It took me 5 years to get myself to a place where I felt able to get into another relationship and very nearly missed the boat for having children.

@Brenna24- it's not for want of trying. I've tried reaching out to many of these mums (all superficially to test the waters) but I get whatever I've mentioned brushed off, eg. They see me run ragged at the park keeping an eye on both DC and when I'm looking flustered or am on the verge of tears, they'll either walk away and if I dare complain, tell me 'it'll pass'. I feel like I'm the fun sucker in groups- I can keep up superficial talk for England but the minute a serious topic is mentioned, people run! I know people lead complex lives- I'm loving example of one.

Living example*

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

I don't know anything about UC.

you're going to have to learn to do lots and lots of things yourself, without any support from him. Take it one step at a time. You're priority is money and housing so first thing Tuesday morning open a claim for universal credit and make an appointment at the housing department.

I used to be such a competent person. I've lived alone since I was 16 and worked my arse off to make something of myself. I can't believe I've got to a point now where I'm so reliant on the husband. I'm pissed off with myself. I fell in love with him too quickly and thought he'd take care of everything. I've got a big part to play in the situation I find myself in. I've made myself too vulnerable but have forgotten what it means or feels to be strong again or how to get there.

What is your housing situation?

If you need accommodation you would be high priority for the council to house, if you need assistance. The guidance changed recently and Domestic abuse victims get support straight away with temporary housing.

Universal credit and housing benefit are there as as safety net, if you need them.

You are going to be ok. You will be able to provide for you and the kids.

He should be charged for what he's done. He is an abuser and he has been violent. There is no excuse for his behaviour and it should show up on his enhanced DSB, because he did those things and he shouldn't be working with children/ vulnerable persons.

Don't doubt for one minute your not strong enough. Change will feel unsettling but this is positive change. You are more than capable. Focus entirely on you and your children, and know that a calm and peaceful future is worth bit of temporary turbulance. Your husband is a violent bully, he should be the one carrying the guilt and shame, not you, so give those feelings back to him and start pressing charges. He could have caused your young child a significant brain injury, be strong for them, allow yourself and your children a much better future.

I know :( We kind of lose ourselves along the way don't we?

It does come back though, I promise.

For the last 2 years of my abusive marriage I was suffering from IBS, migraines, unexplained pins and needles, depression, anxiety, rhinitis and hypersensitive hearing. - The first night I slept alone after kicking my abusive husband out was awful. The following night I slept like a baby and all my ailments disappeared overnight. It's amazing how quickly you start to get yourself back

Has your child been checked by a medical professional?

I believe there is a section on an enhanced DBS where police staff can enter relevant information such as an arrest no charge. But that's beside the point, behaviour like that is unacceptable and I hope you'll be OK.

If women’s aid not available Contact the National Domestic violence helpline - 0808 2000 247. You could consider a refuge?

Also call 111 to discuss child and get them potentially checked!

Thank you for your kind words @Moonface123- I feel teary reading them. I've spent so much time and energy in ensuring my children have the best of everything but above all lots and lots of love, a good routine and as much stability as possible- all the things I lacked growing up. I feel divorced parents and a mum who is always at work trying to make ends meet (which is what I'll have to do) will undo everything I've worked so hard for. The younger toddler is fine. The older one not so ( incredibly sensitive and absorbs everything- I've noticed their behaviour becoming worse over the last couple of months as mine and the husbands arguments have escalated/become more prolific). I know a divorce is the absolute right thing but how do I prepare my toddlers for that? How do you explain to a toddler that daddy was mean to mummy so won't be coming back? How can I tell my eldest not to push their sibling when that's what they've seen their dad do to their mum?