DV but not wanting to press charges...

[justbeenpushed]

My husband pushed me over this afternoon while I was holding my toddler. The toddler's head hit the wall (he's okay). As if that wasn't enough, husband then pushed me over in front of my older child. I called the police and husband was arrested. The police came a bit later to get a statement from me but I just couldn't I make what he did to me official. He suffers from depression and anxiety and his grandmother died today. I'm a SAHM and he's the one paying for everything atm. I was scared if I'd made a statement against him, he'd lose his job and become unemployable (his job requires an enhanced DBS) and I wouldn't be able to keep a roof over our heads. He's not coming back and his behaviour means a definite divorce but I'm feeling so sorry for my children who dote on their father. My children are 1 and 2. How do I reassure the children and what do I do next? I need to get back to work ASAP but I need to jump through a million hurdles before then (finding watertight childcare, applying for a new passport to reregister with my professional body to do the job I'm trained to do, etc.). I'm scared I'm going to find things too tough on my own and let him back in (I won't but I'm really scared in case I can't cope).

Sorry- should've said, toddler has been checked over and fine just very shaken at the time so lots of tears. It's the DC being hurt/witnessing everything that spurred me on to call the police. If it had just been me, I'd have minimised what had happened and let things go but there is no fucking way I'm having my children go through what I did as a child. No fucking marriage is worth that.

Also, we own our place 50/50 but I paid the deposit, have paid for all furnishings, etc.. I'd need to buy him out but need to earn for that.

Im sorry OP but I think your priorities are to ensure the safety and the wellbeing of your children...

no more excuses for His behaviour.

Those million steps consist of a million small steps you can take one at a time.

My advice would be:

1 Make the statement - for any number of reasons, mainly to get protection and support you need from the appropriate agencies, this may even include a "panic button" style set up in case he comes around being an arse, also because it shows HIM you're serious and if it puts his career at risk then it may just be enough of a warning to prevent him coming around, also because it will mean you can access legal aid for the divorce. It will also show ss you're serious about no longer exposing your children to dv.

2 speak to your local welfare rights office. They are part of your local council, they are sometimes called something else but they basically help with understanding and applying for benefits and other financial and practical support. Ime far better and usually more up to date on knowledge (crucial at the moment as with covid stuff dwp are overwhelmed and the rules are constantly changing)

3 engage with ss. They will help you move forward and may well be able to put you in touch with local domestic abuse organisations and charities. Women's aid are great IF they are available in your area and aren't overwhelmed, they're kinda victims of their own success and sadly DA is so so common they can't possibly support everyone. Ss will know what's available and what's actually useful in your area

4 get that divorce - makes things so much clearer and easier financially, practically and emotionally

I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. I'm a child of DA and I WISH my mother had the strength to divorce him or even had EVER called the police she never did, and as a result his confidence in being able to behave like this got worse and worse. I left home at 17 to escape as did my brother. Sister lasted a few years longer but she is very stubborn.

You are doing the BEST thing for your children as well as yourself by leaving him.

PLEASE also remember

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

and

IT IS NOT YOUR SHAME

it's his.

Current friends are 'mum' friends with perfect lives who just wont get it.

NOBODY has a perfect life, nobody!

Statistically it is EXTREMELY likely at least one of them has been in an abusive relationship or was the child of one.

I used to be a nurse, I had a number of patients assume I too had a "perfect life" due to my appearance/cheery manner at work. When appropriate and called for I informed them of the truth, they were often surprised.

People don't talk about this stuff but it's surprising what comes out of the woodwork when one person discloses.

I had a breakdown some years ago and was brutally honest with some people about my childhood as a result. These were people who I thought we knew each other well, we were close, had "grown up" together. Some were shocked, some were surprised but some admitted they suspected - the ones who said they suspected? Also had unbeknownst to me similar childhoods. There were a lot of tears but also a lot of sort of camaraderie developed. I was surprised how many of my friends (not just those ones) had very similar issues to me, until a therapist pointed out it's not that surprising. Like tends to call to like even if it's not consciously recognised apparently, she was telling me there's even been studies done on this kind of thing.

I knew sod all about benefits when I split from my ex (he wasn't abusive just a chest) as I'd never had reason to claim, it was a learning curve! But you will manage it.

I also raised my dd (now 20) as a single parent for most of her life and while at times it was hard it was easier than if I had tried to parent in an abusive relationship I think. We've had our trials (I am disabled, as is she. Mine car crash, hers genetic, mh issues, low income, ex being a dick...) but you know what? I think it's very much made us who we are and I hope and seem to have raised her to be strong and capable. But we also have had a LOT of great times, carpet picnics, lovely Christmases just the two of us, a shared rather dark sense of humour (when we first moved into my current address a relatively new friend of hers bought us a sign for the flat that reads "we speak 3 languages in this house, Scots, English and sarcasm") and a love of cheesy horror movies and cheesier romcoms

You CAN do this

Wishing you SO much luck

Do you want your children to think that this is how a man treats a woman on occasion? You need to leave him.

Depression is not an excuse to push your Mrs over while holding a baby so please don't think it is.

The police said they'd refer me onto their DV team and they'd make contact with me over the next couple of days. I don't want to go into a refuge because I don't want to unsettle the children further. I'm not in any danger from him. He's gone now and won't be returning. I just need a short-mid term plan on what I need to do to cope. Money is really worrying me- I know the total UC amount I get won't cover the mortgage (we applied for UC as a family last year and fell massively short and this time I'll be applying by myself so the amount awarded will be lower?) so I'll need to work but how do I go about doing that when I need to spend money to work (I let my professional registrations lapse and have an expired passport so need money to get myself going but where will that money come from)?! The only thing is to demand the husband pays for everything as it is now as a favour for me not pressing charges until I'm back on my feet but then I'm strangely worried about him and where he'll go?!

If you don't make it official you make a rod for your own back further down the line. The courts won't like the fact that you let a serious dv situation that was witnessed by your children and hurt one of them slide. Neither will social services if they get involved.

You need to get yourself in a refuge, get yourself financially independent from him, via work or benefits. And you need to follow through with the police report. If you don't you risk loosing your children as well as everything else.

And I know it's easy for me to type and so hard to put into action.

This did happen to me. Luckily I had a close friend who was a police officer who told me exactly the outcomes and what I had to do. You almost need to be robotic about it, which when emotions are high it's difficult.

My head is all over the place so I'm sorry if my replies are garbled or it sounds like I'm drip feeding: the fucker is NOT welcome back. My children are my biggest priority and for their sakes, I'd rather I lived a life of struggle than them suffering emotional suffering by being in a toxic environment as they recently have been.

I WOULD WELCOME involvement from ANY service and hope SS do get in touch. I need a handhold to get back on my feet again and hope they've got someone who can do this.

The police could go ahead with cps and prosecute anyway,!! It maybe a factor in the fact his relative died but it's no justification for what he did to you holding a toddler it was just lucky this occasion toddler / you not hurt,!! He will get bail conditions for no contact n at some point come with cops collect his personal items at least this will give you some * breathing space.

No the amount will likely be higher as you’re now a single parent without an income. Apply, you’ll be fine. That’s what it’s there for.

And you won’t have to go 50/50 and buy him out. You could well be awarded more than 50% as he has the potential to earn more and probably has pensions etc that you may not have.

Divorce finances are complicated but there’s a reason why many men moan about “being taken to the cleaners” by their ex. They don’t realise or acknowledge that what looks unfair to them is actually totally appropriate due to the disparity in earnings both present and future for women raising young children.

You can do this - one step at a time

do you think he would agree to pay the mortgage?

I agree but by not pressing charges the SS will not look favourably to you as it's not in the best interests of your children. You really need to do this. It also leaves a paper trail for if you need to go to court and you can then get a section 7. Which is important in every cases.

Again I know I'm thinking way into the future and not right this second. But it will help you in the long run!

And mirroring what others have said, you are strong, you have made the first steps to protect you and your babies. And alone! My hat goes off to you, it's so hard. But you have proved to yourself you have that inner strength to survive this and make a better life for you and your children.

Practical situations like money are completely concerning but get the safety aspect of you all secure first. Involve SS, make that police statement, get a restraining order if needs be to get him away from the house.

You need to press charges. Unfortunately if he’s name is on the mortgage or tenancy you might not be able to stop him coming into his own house. By pressing charges you have prove of everything to help you get a divorce and keep him away from the property. He is at fault, if he loses his job that’s his fault not yours. If you’re divorcing him it doesn’t matter to you if he’s unemployed.

Hopefully my story will give you some hope.
I left a horrifically abusive relationship, the last attack on me was so violent he almost broke my nose, he was so abusive that we were referred to Marac and child protection became involved and ordered me to flee with my daughter, I left him and our lives behind. I left with black bin bags of possessions not knowing what I was going to do and where I was going to go.. But all that mattered was my little girl was safe and her mother was alive.. My ex would've killed me had I stayed. Categorically.
Almost a year on, we have our own beautiful house that I rent, everything I own in this house is paid for by me.. And I'm just about to start a dream job that pays a salary enough for me to come off universal credit completely..
I'm a full time working single parent and my daughter is thriving because I fought and fled domestic abuse and I survived.
Please don't be a victim.
You absolutely can start from scratch she turn your life around, I'm living proof.

You should tell your GP or someone in authority about the attack, they can refer it onto children's services.

You are very lucky the child was not injured.

You need to press charges so there is a formal record of his abuse and harm to both you and the child. It does not sound as if he will be safe to have unsupervised access time with them after you split up.

Please consider pressing charges. Men like that should not be sailing through dbs checks and Claire law checks.
If you don't make sure you get your crime reference number.
And remember if you go back then SS could see this as you failing to safeguard your babies.

Get on entitledto.com and do the benefit calculation

You've got this x

Do the police know that he assaulted your toddler as well as you?

I hope they throw the book at him. Scum like him should be behind bars. Please don't make excuses for him - your kid could have ended up in hospital. Toddlers' skulls are fragile little things.

Please don't ever go back. Start putting yourself and your children first. They don't dote on him, BTW, they are 1 and 2. In 6 months time they probably won't even remember him, although the 2 year old might be terrified at seeing the man who attacked him and hurt him.

Call citizens advice to see what benefits and services you’re entitled to

If you press charges surely it will be easier to get sole custody?

Which I assume you will want to get rather than let your children be alone with an abuser?

You need to get your priorities straight OP. And they should be to protect your children not their father. Hopefully SS will step in to protect them, sad that they dont have you onside.

@justbeenpushed

how are you 🌸

OP I have messaged you direct.

I wouldn't bother with women's aid or even pressing charges personally. I experienced DV, after ex and I broke up he spent all day telling me he was going to kill me through phone calls and messages, all recorded and handed over to the police. He then came round and smashed my windows and I still didn't get any sort of conviction then even though I wanted to press charges, the courts said if he paid for criminal damages it would be dropped. After various other times when I was pushed or thrown into a wall, the police would tell me it's my word Vs his.

Get yourself signed up to universal credit asap, you can apply for advances pretty soon after your initial meetings if you're struggling financially. Focus on yourself and those children. I was terrified of being alone and doing it all myself too, it kept me stuck in that relationship for years too long, but you'll find your way I promise. Sending you love x

for you OP

Do please get your child checked - the skulls of young children are not as tough as adults and he could have a brain injury which obviously cannot be seen on the outside.

Also tell family/women's aid/ Samaritans so you have someone to talk too. You've done amazingly well trying to cope with PND too. Don't suffer in silence

I am so sorry this is happening to you, and we’ll done for not letting him back. Contact Step Change (www.stepchange.org/) about your debts. They will be able to help reorganise your payments.

Councils will do emergency loans and the DV team will be able to give you more info on how to access it in your area, that should pay for the passport. More info here about all the different types www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/social-fund-payments

UC Benefit calculator here www.entitledto.co.uk/

You are a strong woman, and you are protecting your kids