Boyfriend autistic - inspiring stories please

[StartingAgain33]

Realised this week without a shadow of a doubt that boyfriend is autistic. In some ways this is helpful as it explains the communication issues we're having, but in others I'm at a loss as to what to do.

We are having some communication issues where he doesn't know how to empathise or emotionally validate me, and he feels rubbish that he can't anticipate my needs like wanting a hug etc - even though I tell him it's okay and everyone's needs change all the time and he can't be a mindreader. Now I know none of this personal it does feel better, but it is still not nice. He feels very criticised when I ask him for what I need too, and says he doesn't understand 'what's wrong with him' which makes me feel awful and guilty.

We were supposed to be seeing eachother today but he has cancelled due to feeling unwell and waking up with hives / in a cold sweat. He quite frequently needs days of just staying in bed (completely shutting down) and I think it's often stress related. It makes me feel shit though as was really looking forward to seeing him and smoothing things over after a really big misunderstanding last weekend (which I now do understand since realising what's going on and reading about how autistic people can deal with conflict and emotions).

He also has insomnia which is terrible because of his extreme sensitivity to noise (he has tried everything), so is quite up and down in general.

I won't list why I think / know he's autistic - it's everything from stimming behaviours to narrow obsessions, not reading social cues, learning difficulties apart from in engineering where he excels, very little romantic history despite being 42 and very handsome and a massive catch etc....

Anyway. Anyone have inspiring stories out there of how they were able to manage this well? I'm seeing lots of depressing stories on the internet about how this is really hard on the NT partner and basically telling me to run for the hills. I'm not ready to yet. I love him and want this to work!

Realised this week without a shadow of a doubt that boyfriend is autistic.

No you didn't.

Imagine being so arrogant to decide that another person may / may not have a condition.

If your BF is autistic, it's up to him to seek a diagnosis, & share it with you if he wishes. Not for you to decide it.

Reading your message it sounds as though you and your boyfriend aren't compatible regardless of whether he has a neuro developmental disability or not. You like some things about him but not all. Take away your view of potential diagnosis and think honestly about whether he is the right man for you. From what you have written it sounds as though you might not be the right woman for him.

@EarringsandLipstick I get what you're saying, but at the moment he is totally at a loss and going back and forth to the doctors about a number of issues which are really confusing and distressing him. He also said yesterday that he should have been on ritalin as a child because of his headbanging and spinning episodes which left him bleeding, and that he was an 'indigo child'. I am worried about him in a number of ways as he is not functioning well - missing lots of work due to insomnia because of sensitivity to sound, forgetting things all the time, upsetting people etc - but I agree, I don't want to force a diagnosis and my main request with this post is to ask people who have had similar worries about their husbands or boyfriends to share that it got better, as it feels hopeless when he disappears and ignores me for days.

I can't offer any inspiring stories after reading your OP. You are incompatible and need to split up. Autistic or not, his behaviour sounds awful and incompatible with a normal romantic relationship. You cannot change the behaviour of a 42 year old man and will destroy your own mental health trying.

I feel for you. It sounds really difficult. From what you've described, you may well be right. Have you discussed this with your partner? Starting point might be him getting a diagnosis if he wants to go down that route. Everyone with autism is different. Yes, communication' is always a difficulty but how much depends on the person. Some marriages/ relationships with people with autism (if that's what your bf has) do work well. Some don't. Same as with neurotypicals. If he gets a dx - you both might find specialist counseling helpful. Counselor needs knowledge and skills in autism. You don't have to stay with him. Good luck. Look after yourself. X

It really could be anything op. A brain tumour. ADHD. Autism. A personality disorder. A mental health disorder. A combination of any of those things.

Leave the diagnosis to the doctors.

What matters is your mental health and how this is affecting you. If a relationship does not make you happy, what's the point of it? You sound dejected and hopeless and I don't understand why you are punishing yourself by staying with someone who is treating you like you don't matter because for whatever reason, he is so wrapped up in himself.

He's not a project you can fix, and this relationship is doomed. Him having or not having autism is irrelevant. Stop conjuring up reasons to stay in a relationship that very clearly doesn't work. You're wasting your time and his.

It's a wonder professionals bother with degrees!

Thanks everyone. He does usually treat me like I matter and in general is very sweet, consistent and communicative. He actually makes me feel more secure and safe than most other guys! He is a lovely, sweet, genuine person and I love having him around. So he does make me happy, but we are having a really hard time right now.

I did talk to him yesterday about my thoughts as he had bought up his brother needing ritalin / his having designed a programme for autistic children whilst he was at uni / the belief that he was an 'indigo child'. He was defensive about autism but said he would get a test 'for me'. I said I didn't want him to get a test for me- it would be for himself, but he said he didnt need to know and what difference does it make. I said we could go for specialist counselling if ever big problems arose again and he seemed to think that was an extreme suggestion even though I go to therapy on a weekly basis so he knows I don't see it this way (or I guess, maybe he doesn't)..

He does however say that he wants to spend his life with me, and learn to communicate, and learn more about my needs etc. He is very dedicated. As am I, to understanding him. So I do think there is hope. Just feeling rubbish today as he's bailed.

This relationship sounds like hard work. Why do you love him? What is he giving you?. You can't sort out his emotional / mental issues. It's possible ASD explains them but so what? They are still there, still problems for you.

Other people's experiences won't tell you how THIS relationship will work out. Everyone with autism is different.

He has showed you very clearly that you can't depend on him. Why do you refuse to believe it? This is not a healthy relationship.

I'm not hearing the same as pp, that the relationship is doomed - it's just not as simple as some others. my recommendation is to accept you may have to make adjustments (just like he may of had to) as you go forward. It sounds like he's willing to make a go of working on the relationship; why don't you go to couples counselling together it doesn't have to be specialist to work on communication .

Also has he tried having a fan on at night as white noise can help block out other sounds.

Ah.
Imagine you're right and he is autistic. No-one here will have a plan you can follow to make him be the man you want him to be, not even autistic me with my three or more generations of autistic family.
My casual observations suggest that we do better with our 'own kind'. But only if we meet the right people. Some autistics are happy with NTs, too.
You're expecting him to 'meet your needs'. That would be a fail between two NTs, never mind in a mixed relationship. If there are things you need, you should look for someone who can - and wants to- provide them.
Putting this man under pressure will not help.
A lot of autistic people are also adhd, and some also pda. Well-meaning outsiders (ie, not the one individual self. Autistics can be outsiders to autistics, too) won't/can't make us change. Both sides will be unhappy.
You want to 'fix' him by providing an environment in which he can meet your needs. But, he doesn't have to meet your needs. He doesn't need fixing. Who he is, that's fine, even if it doesn't work for you.

Like any other human being, if he disappears and doesn't speak to you for days, it's a good sign he doesn't want to be around you. Let him go.

He sounds ridiculously arrogant by referring to himself as an indigo child! He also sounds self absorbed, immature and unreliable, and no diagnosis or counselling is actually going to change him as a person. There are men out there who are better suited to you as a partner - throw this one back.

Thanks @niceupthedance, yes he's tried all sorts of things! It's a nightmare. He also gets disturbed by the smallest of twitches from me so often has to go sleep in the spare room :(

I really appreciate your supportive stance.

Of course I've not listed why this relationship is great, as this is a post primarily about overcoming difficulties.

There are millions of great things. He's kind, gentle, generous, extremely helpful around the house, he makes me feel safe (apart from today!), he is very committed, he is interesting and we can both share our geeky sides together. He has the same values as me, he can be really silly and sweet, he wouldn't harm a fly, he pretty much can't lie. He's also very sociable and has lots of nice friends I get on with (even when they do gently take the piss out of him for talking about his renovation again).

I think he's a wonderful person and I want to understand him more so this can work. The autism label is unhelpful if it makes him a 2d person I agree, but in this case it helps me understand what he's going through as he finds it hard to communicate. I didn't realise the scale of his distress at feeling like he doest'n understand me and isn't good enough until this week. I want to make sure that gets better at the same time as finding ways to get my own needs met where appropriate.

I can't quite understand the tone of some of the posters here. Can he afford to have a psychological/psychiatric assessment? My 10 year old son was diagnosed ADHD and ASD last year and so I hope that early diagnosis makes all the difference for him relationships wise. Don't walk away if you don't want to. But I agree if he has already identified himself as having extreme sensitivities perhaps expressed a little oddly to most people, it does sound like he could fit that profile and you are right to want to help him find out as a caring partner!
I was also diagnosed and my DH had an initial assessment too but he was in the clear as it were. I think I am quite a tricky person to have a relationship with. My DH has therapy to help him and we also have family therapy. There is help out there but in my opinion if you want support quickly you may need to pay privately for an assessment and clinical opinion.

@DoingItMyself thank you for your comment, it's helpful. On his side, he has said he has never felt this connected to, or understood by, anyone. We're having a blip now but I do think it's true, and I want to work on it.

I don't want to fix him - I want to understand him so I can fix him. I think he's wonderful and I love him partly because of some of the qualities that probably come with autism. I don't want to see him as a label or a 2d person, just at the moment it's helpful to have some sort of framework for understanding some of the things I struggle with as I know he means no harm at all.

Thanks @tootiredx1000, really useful perspective. I have actually wondered if there's something going on with me in the past due to my hypersensitivity to sound, noise, smells, obsessive interests, extreme empathy (common with female aspies apparently) and also the fact I've gone out with and been attracted to a very high proportion of men with autism!! But whenever I do the online tests I seem to be in the 'normal' range, whatever that means.

I did try and say to him yesterday that I didn't see it as a defect, just a way of potential understanding, and that I'd also wondered if I was on the spectrum. I think that made him feel a little better.

I want to understand him so I can fix him

For pity's sake, stop.
He absolutely does not need fixing. He's fine, you're the one with the problem!

@DoingItMyself that was a typo - I meant I don't want to fix him, I want to understand him so I can find a way forward!

I don't want to fix him - I want to understand him so I can fix him.

Freudian slip?

I'm glad you're ignoring @Gemma2019's comments. They are horrible and unhelpful.

I think it would be worth him seeing someone especially if it's affecting his day to day life and his job.

My son is autistic, possible PDA as well, and can be very difficult sometimes but I hope no one speaks about him the way some of the clueless people on here have spoken about your boyfriend

You could try talking to him and saying that you need to tell him what you want/ need (eg a hug) and it doesn't make him emotionally inadequate for not knowing, if it's something he can't help.

If you're determined to be in a relationship where the other person is unable or unwilling to meet your emotional needs, you need to engage with self-care in mind at all times.

It is not healthy to focus entirely on what is "wrong" with him and trying endlessly to understand him. You need to have a sense of self-preservation, find other ways to get your needs met and not make him the centre of your universe. You can't love someone enough to fill their holey bucket and your own holey bucket.

You say you have a therapist - for what reasons are you having therapy?

Thanks @Heartofglass12345 that's so helpful. I think having direct experience of a loved one with autism must help, as others see these behaviours and put him in the typical mumsnet 'men are all dicks, dump him' camp, or else make me the problem for wanting to find out what's going on and find solutions / basically say if the relationship isn't perfect I should end it. No relationship is perfect, and I've listed loads of very valid reasons for staying!

Yes, I have said to him that needs change all the time and that no one could anticipate them for another person. I think as he has this innate sense of being defective he doesn't hear this though. I will keep trying with that.

@category12 I agree. In every day life, we have a very good balance (well, given we could only see eachother for a while during the pandemic!!). I have lots of close friendships and I don't go to him to get all of my emotional needs met. We probably did tip a bit too much into codependence during the pandemic simply through being basically forced to spend only time with eachother, but we did mostly maintain a good balance. I generally never feel needy or like I'm not getting 'enough' - apart from today when he's cancelled on me after a difficult week.