Boyfriend autistic - inspiring stories please

[StartingAgain33]

Realised this week without a shadow of a doubt that boyfriend is autistic. In some ways this is helpful as it explains the communication issues we're having, but in others I'm at a loss as to what to do.

We are having some communication issues where he doesn't know how to empathise or emotionally validate me, and he feels rubbish that he can't anticipate my needs like wanting a hug etc - even though I tell him it's okay and everyone's needs change all the time and he can't be a mindreader. Now I know none of this personal it does feel better, but it is still not nice. He feels very criticised when I ask him for what I need too, and says he doesn't understand 'what's wrong with him' which makes me feel awful and guilty.

We were supposed to be seeing eachother today but he has cancelled due to feeling unwell and waking up with hives / in a cold sweat. He quite frequently needs days of just staying in bed (completely shutting down) and I think it's often stress related. It makes me feel shit though as was really looking forward to seeing him and smoothing things over after a really big misunderstanding last weekend (which I now do understand since realising what's going on and reading about how autistic people can deal with conflict and emotions).

He also has insomnia which is terrible because of his extreme sensitivity to noise (he has tried everything), so is quite up and down in general.

I won't list why I think / know he's autistic - it's everything from stimming behaviours to narrow obsessions, not reading social cues, learning difficulties apart from in engineering where he excels, very little romantic history despite being 42 and very handsome and a massive catch etc....

Anyway. Anyone have inspiring stories out there of how they were able to manage this well? I'm seeing lots of depressing stories on the internet about how this is really hard on the NT partner and basically telling me to run for the hills. I'm not ready to yet. I love him and want this to work!

@Heartofglass12345

I'm glad you're ignoring *@Gemma2019*'s comments. They are horrible and unhelpful.

I think it would be worth him seeing someone especially if it's affecting his day to day life and his job.

My son is autistic, possible PDA as well, and can be very difficult sometimes but I hope no one speaks about him the way some of the clueless people on here have spoken about your boyfriend

You could try talking to him and saying that you need to tell him what you want/ need (eg a hug) and it doesn't make him emotionally inadequate for not knowing, if it's something he can't help.

You're entitled to your opinion, as am I. I have an (adult) child with autism and it pisses me off when all the bad aspects of human behaviour are lumped into an armchair ASD diagnosis. God forbid someone might just be incompatible with someone else, or a man just might be arrogant or selfish. No it must be because they are autistic! Whatever this man does or doesn't have, it is not acceptable for him to let the OP down or disappear for days on end.

Anyway I will bow out now and let you put a more positive spin on this 42 year old man who thinks he is gifted and possesses supernatural traits.

@Gemma2019 I'm sorry this post has made you feel this way, that is not my intention at all. I'm well aware that everyone is completely different and there isn't a one size fits all list of traits to autism, so apologies if this how I came across.

I can understand your concerns as well and I will keep them in mind re compatibility and him being selfish. They are certainly valid perspectives and depending on how the next few days go I may well end up agreeing with you very soon! I guess I'm still at the hope stage.

"I want to understand him so I can find a way forward!"

What about him wanting to understand you more?. I'd be more worried about you being in a relationship with him if you were a friend of mine. What are you getting out of this in terms of your own needs here being met?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

There are good reasons why this man's relationship history is so patchy and you need to take heed. What he has done to date works for him to a greater or lesser extent and will not likely work for you. He is now 42 and he will likely be the same at 52 as well.

He has not been assessed to date so you cannot yourself state or arrive at your own conclusion that he is on an autistic spectrum. You are not qualified on any level to make such an assumption.

Is this person the same man you were writing about last July on another thread you started?. Because if it is I would run far and fast!!!!!.

I feel for you. I’ve been in a similar situation. I ended up feeling totally irrelevant & unhappy in the relationship, despite trying my hardest to understand the challenges & having great compassion. I was filled with sadness and my own self esteem took a nose dive. Whilst I have so much empathy for people that struggle like your boyfriend does, he has reached a significant age without seeking help. If he recognises there are challenges, he needs to address the root cause himself.

@JadedSoJaded yes that's how I'm starting to feel to be honest. Being ignored today after we'd been having a really good constructive dialogue about how to fix this feels shit. And I know he's seen his phone and is looking at instagram.

Maybe people are right and I just need to throw the towel in. Diagnosis or not, this is really hard and it's exhausting having to tell him how to treat me fairly.

Relationships should not be such hard work. He has other priorities and none of them are you.

Ditch this man and keep working on you and your boundaries. Love your own self for a change; this one needs throwing back into the pond from whence he came.

Maybe people are right and I just need to throw the towel in.

Not maybe, definitely. You've been posting about him for nearly a year and have continued to ignore everyone telling you to end it. How much more of your life are you willing to waste?

@Aquamarine1029 not the same bloke. Ended it with him that week and met this one in Oct.

How much are you minimising your hurt from him blanking you for days at a time? How many times has he done this?

You say this is a type for you. It seems that the common experience is them being unavailable and avoidant with you trying very hard with getting them to meet your needs.

What was your relationship like with your parents growing up and have you talked about relationship patterns with your therapist?

not the same bloke. Ended it with him that week and met this one in Oct.

This makes it worse, actually. You keep repeating the same dead end patterns, choosing emotionally unavailable men and then wanting to "fix" them. Get off of this hamster wheel you've trapped yourself on.

A diagnosis won't change the dynamics of your relationship and from what I understand, there is very little / no support post diagnosis either. A diagnosis certainly won't change who he is or how he behaves.

There are lots of good books on the subject of autism in adults - I particularly liked Dr Luke Beardon's 'Autism and Asperger Syndrome in Adults'. Temple Grandin has written some good books too. And there are lots of books written on the subject of relationships with people on the spectrum. Check out the YouTube videos by Sarah Hendrix and others too.

If you're also on the spectrum (as I think you hinted you might be) then you're likely to end up with a partner who's on the spectrum too. Whether this man is 'the one' for you is something only you can decide. If you've only been together since October though and are already finding things so difficult then I'd gently suggest it might be time to move on.

Why are you in therapy?

Do you discuss your relationship patterns and what's behind them in therapy?

Hi OP. I am married to DH and we have 2 young DCs . DH was diagnosed with autism in January last year. Everyone is different but I have made adjustments at home which help us both such as routines and planning ahead. Work was a tricky one, before his diagnosis. Every job he had he lost, it was scary for me. Since having the diagnosis, his employers have done a occupational health meeting with him and made adjustments based on his needs and have more understanding about some of the things he cant do as quickly or have made more allowances for sick leave (mental health) rather than 3 strikes and your out. I think you should talk to your DP, if he thinks he has it he should seek a diagnosis, as it may help him at work if his employers can see a reason he may have some struggles.My DH was referred by GP and the waiting list was 3 years, but the time passed and he got his diagnosis

Realised this week without a shadow of a doubt that boyfriend is autistic.

You actually don't get to just decide this

[quote StartingAgain33]@DoingItMyself that was a typo - I meant I don't want to fix him, I want to understand him so I can find a way forward![/quote]
He won't change, this is him.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Here's the diagnostic criteria, OP, as you seem not to appreciate that autism is anything but a "label" and by using that description, you are severely minimising the seriousness of the condition.

ICD 10 ""A group of disorders characterized by qualitative abnormalities in reciprocal social interactions and in patterns of communication, and by a restricted, stereotyped, repetitive repertoire of interests and activities. These qualitative abnormalities are a pervasive feature of the individual's functioning in all situations". "

DSM V " “persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction” and “restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests” (this includes sensory behaviour), present since early childhood, to the extent that these “limit and impair everyday functioning”.

Do heed this bit limit and impair everyday functioning it's imperative that you understand this.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/diagnostic-criteria/all-audiences

Read this too, it will give you a glimpse into what it's like to be autistic from the writer's point of view, you'll see autism is vastly more than a communication issue.
neuroclastic.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

Autism is rarely diagnosed alone, there are several co-morbid conditions too. Autism isn't medicated with anything. ADHD can be medicated with the group of drugs of which Ritalin is one. Anxiety can be medicated, or counselling offered with someone trained to counsel neurodiverse people.

No-one can diagnose autism aside from medically trained professionals.

I would seriously examine your own motivation in this relationship, what do you want from it?

Do you see him as a "project" you can take on to help him understand himself better? If so, please leave that to the professionals.

Either accept him as he is, or leave, it's not down to you to do anything else.

I have severe adhd.
I have a very "normal" relationship with my DH. If I found out he was posting about me wanting to 'fix me" I would go nuts.

[quote StartingAgain33]@Gemma2019 I'm sorry this post has made you feel this way, that is not my intention at all. I'm well aware that everyone is completely different and there isn't a one size fits all list of traits to autism, so apologies if this how I came across.

I can understand your concerns as well and I will keep them in mind re compatibility and him being selfish. They are certainly valid perspectives and depending on how the next few days go I may well end up agreeing with you very soon! I guess I'm still at the hope stage.[/quote]
I wish I could write as eloquently as the others on this thread, as I am coming across badly I think. I certainly didn't mean to sound awful towards you.

I am saying please don't tie yourself up in knots trying to understand this man, or desperately cling to the hope that a diagnosis will bring you both clarity and a way forward to a better life. A 42 year old man who talks about being an indigo child and attributes some of his issues to not being given Ritalin as a child is unlikely to ever change. If he hasn't tried to address his issues by now then it is doubtful he ever will.

I can see by your user name that you are at least 33 and so are of the age where you might want children. Can you imagine having children with this man, where even your presence in bed troubles him enough to move to another room? Having to shut yourself off in bed for days on end is hardly compatible with family life, and children are really loud and annoying. How would he cope in the fairly high likelihood that any offspring might have the same condition?

Don't get caught in the "best of a bad lot" trap here.

@BlankTimes great post especially this

Do heed this bit limit and impair everyday functioning it's imperative that you understand this

SO SO SO many on MN think that HFA autistic people breeze through life being clever/selfish/ abusive and not giving a shit about others whilst being perfectly happy themselves. Of course there may be some like this - autistic people can still be abusive - but a properly diagnosed autistic person suffers every single day with their disability.