He pushed me

[MinyCooky]

I’m new here so sorry if this isn’t posted in the correct place

I’ve been with partner for 2 years and our son is a month old. Our relationship is normally quite good and he’s a good partner and he isn’t abusive in any way.

He’s just came downstairs and I asked him if he was ok and he said yes but I asked him if he was sure as it looked like he’d been crying and he shouted at me that he hasn’t been crying. I apologised to him and I thought we were over it but then he said something about whatever he does he’s always in the wrong (I didn’t say this) I said I didn’t say that and he’s not in the wrong and he walked off so I followed him and he pushed me and told me to leave him alone. He’s now gone out.

I’m so shocked that he pushed me and I’m not sure why he did. I don’t know what I want from this post just want to rant

Rant away. I'd be telling him when he came back that if he ever treated me like that again then the relationship would be over.

Wow. Absolutely unacceptable to put his hands on you, and if he comes back and starts minimising eg "Oh it was JUST a push", "you're overreacting", "you made me do it" then I'd be telling him it was over.

If he comes back and apologises sincerely then I'd be prepared to work at things, because if this is as you say totally out of character then clearly something is very wrong. Has he been brought up to think that emotions and vulnerability are wrong, especially for men?

I just don't know what to do as this was so out of nowhere

I wish every woman had zero tolerance for any type of physical abuse. I certainly do. If I were you, the door would be locked and a bag would be waiting for him at the kerb.

He's not usually abusive so that's why I'm even more shocked. I have no clue where to go from here as he's usually a good partner

OP abuse is a pattern of behaviour and you say that your relationship is not abusive in any way. It's not acceptable for him to push you and you can talk to him about that when he's calmed down. If you give him an ultimatum then make sure it's something you are certain you'll stand by, for example, don't tell him the relationship is over if you don't mean that.

You have to make it clear that physical abuse of any kind, even if it's a push is unacceptable and you don't want it to happen again.

There are several issues here that need to be mindful of going forward. First is that abuse tends to start around pregnancy and second, is that you've only been with him for two years, so you could be seeing the real him now.

It's understandable that with a baby, you don't want to immediately end the relationship and it's easy for others to tell you to leave but I would just be careful. Keep an eye on things, if the pushing happens again then you have a problem.

I would make an appointment at the CABx to discuss how you would move forward should you split up and I would also look into keeping your financial independence by going back to work as soon as you can.

It might also be an idea to chat with the National Helpline to see if the relationship doesn't have any other markers of abuse because not everyone knows what abuse is.

It's not out of nowhere, you just are just in the dark to what his problem is and I doubt it's anything to do with you. He took it out on you though and that is unacceptable.

It'll come out but he needs to know he can't treat you like that ever.

He was violent towards you just now,the mother of his newborn child. It doesn't matter if he's sad,angry,embarrassed or ashamed to admit he's been crying. Honestly, I'd tell him to pack his bags and spend some time away from you and thank his lucky stars you didn't call the police

Abusers don't have to be 'normally abusive'. Some act normally for years and then there's an aggressive violent outburst.

It sounds like something had him upset...could he maybe have overheard or read some criticism you had of him?

Either way, theres no excuse to push you. None. And I agree with other posters in that if he came back, it would be to his stuff in bin bags.

Might not be anything to do with you at all. Maybe he had a woman on the side and she's told him where to go. Maybe he's lost in a game with his mates and can't take it.

When he's stressed, he pushes you. He's begun now, he won't stop. Leave. Kick him out. Get your own people round and show him the door.

That's a good shout about a woman on the side. Maybe she has angered him and he is generalizing his anger to all women and taking it out on you.

I have no clue where to go from here as he's usually a good partner

It does not matter what he normally is, not now.

Where you go from here is packing him a bag, texting him to tell him it is on the step and he is to come get it, and then find somewhere else to sleep tonight. That you have zero tolerance for any level of physical violence. That you will not hesitate to call the police if you need to, and to report what just happened to the health visitor and your GP , in order to protect your child.

Tell him to think hard while he is not in the home about what happened, why his instinct was to push you physically. And say you have no idea where your relationship goes now but one thing you know, it's now changed.

His response to any and all of that will be illuminating.

Thanks for your replies. I just have no clue how I'll support myself and ds if me and partner split up as we rely on him and his job etc.

I don't think he's cheating but I didn't think he'd push me so I'm just not sure and I'm just so confused why he'd do it

If the child is his then you'll be able to claim maintenance from him. You'll also get universal credit whilst you sort things out. And council tax discount if you move into a place of your own where you're the only adult. It all adds up.

I'd look into everything you would entitled to. Also consider anything you have goods wise that you could sell for a quick buck.

Tbh the reason why he did it...doesnt really matter. The fact that he did it though, does.

I had an ex who squeezed my hand a little too tightly. Next it was a push. Then punching a hole in the wall. After that he strangled me so hard it left bruises on my neck and wrists where he’d held me down, I was lucky I didn’t die. A push is just the start of it.

My first thought was another woman too. But either way, he needs to know that this behaviour is unacceptable so he’d be out, even if just temporarily. Wish I’d had zero tolerance for this shit when I was younger.

With a young baby you’ll be entitled to some financial support so don’t let that stop you from leaving him. You may or may not be ready for that, but please do make sure you have a line which he absolutely must not cross. For you that may be another push, or it may be that you don’t feel that’s “bad enough” in which case what will it take for you to say no more?

Great post from Yoni

Your priority is to keep yourself and your child safe. If he has done it once, he could do it again or worse.
Could you call women’s aid for a chat?

Pressed post too soon. Ideally you’d get him to leave but if it’s easier, I’d pack up a bag for you and your baby and stay with a friend or family member to give yourself space to think. This is allowed under covid rules.

I must admit my first thought was he's been dumped by his bit on the side. But that might just be me from past experiences.

Whatever it is, I hope you've got some RL support OP.

Why he pushed you is much less important than the fact he did it.

He got back and he went upstairs he didn't speak or apologise and he still hasn't spoken to me, even when I got bathed ds and changed him.

Does he normally put his hands on you? Did he push you to get past you?

That's the clincher then. Anything less than a grovelling appology is just not good enough.
I mean, you probably wouldn't have been able to trust an appology anyway. But the fucker hasn't even the decency to give one. I'd be getting round relative or friend for backup and asking him to leave.