He pushed me

[MinyCooky]

I’m new here so sorry if this isn’t posted in the correct place

I’ve been with partner for 2 years and our son is a month old. Our relationship is normally quite good and he’s a good partner and he isn’t abusive in any way.

He’s just came downstairs and I asked him if he was ok and he said yes but I asked him if he was sure as it looked like he’d been crying and he shouted at me that he hasn’t been crying. I apologised to him and I thought we were over it but then he said something about whatever he does he’s always in the wrong (I didn’t say this) I said I didn’t say that and he’s not in the wrong and he walked off so I followed him and he pushed me and told me to leave him alone. He’s now gone out.

I’m so shocked that he pushed me and I’m not sure why he did. I don’t know what I want from this post just want to rant

@MinyCooky

He's not usually abusive so that's why I'm even more shocked. I have no clue where to go from here as he's usually a good partner

You have a 1-month old.

Sadly, a lot of abusers maintain a nice-guy mask - until they feel that they have 'secured' the woman and she is now tied to them. Children can be that tie . Abusers of that type can begin their abuse as soon as the pregnancy is established, or can wait until the partner is so sleep-deprived by the newborn that they don't know which way is up.

Be aware.

@sumpplneedshaking

Does he normally put his hands on you? Did he push you to get past you?

No it was the first time and no he wasn't pushing past me.

username12345T , very good advice

What a shock for you.

It's the lack of apology I couldn't deal with.

Obviously the pushing is not acceptable.

It sounds like he felt shamed by your awareness that he was upset and handled it very poorly.

I wouldn't force this issue now, he sounds ill-equipped, emotionally, to handle whatever is happening and is reacting badly to your attempts at interaction. I think if it were me I would be sleeping in another room tonight and then addressing this calmly tomorrow, saying that it is unacceptable that he pushes you like that. I don't know that I would push whatever he was upset about as that will just make him further defensive and prone to blaming you - but he certainly need to know that categorically there can be no hand-on response to you under any circumstances.

Thanks for your replies.

I will talk to him. I don't want to split up with him as he's otherwise a good partner but if I have to I will.

@MinyCooky

Thanks for your replies.

I will talk to him. I don't want to split up with him as he's otherwise a good partner but if I have to I will.

What will stop you from splitting up with him?

Good partners never physically hurt their partners. Never.

I wonder how you would feel if your little child wanted something from him and he shoved him physically out of the way because he was upset or in a bad mood.
This is never acceptable, he could have just ignored you and walked away. He didn't have to push you.
This really cannot be ignored.

Unfortunately this was how my ex husband's violence started. He waited until we were married and my son was born before starting with pushing. It ended with me and my DS in A&E followed by a refuge.
We were middle class, professional people, this can happen to anyone.

Be very careful about approaching him, it sounds like he's dealing with something you don't know about and he doesn't want to talk about it with you.

Last night when I went to bed he apologised

Posted too soon. He apologised and said he doesn't know why he pushed me. I'm not sure where to go from here as I'm not sure if I should forget about it or do something as if this isn't a one off he could hurt ds (I don't think he would though).

Talk to him when he is calm to get to the bottom of it. Sounds like he is really upset over something that isn't to do with you.

So he's not sharing what upset him? He needs to come clean or you'll always wonder what this trigger is that made him cry and put his hands on you.

I'm not sure if I should forget about it or do something as if this isn't a one off he could hurt ds (I don't think he would though

Before this happened, did you think he could physically hurt you?

What’s his explanation for why all this came about?

He wouldn't push a 6'5 man. He wouldn't push his boss. He wouldn't push a police officer, because...consequences. But whatever is going on with him, he has taken it out on someone smaller and weaker than him, because he can. Once they show you their true character, believe them the first time.

@MinyCooky

Posted too soon. He apologised and said he doesn't know why he pushed me. I'm not sure where to go from here as I'm not sure if I should forget about it or do something as if this isn't a one off he could hurt ds (I don't think he would though).

Well if he doesn't know why he did it, he won't know that he won't do it again, does he?

'Doesn't know' is bullshit. It translates to 'because I can'.

No, you should never forget about it. Sweeping something under the carpet is a good way to ensure it will happen again, because there were no consequences the last time, were there?

It sounds like you want to accept his apology, but an apology tied to 'I don't know why' isn't really an apology. It's an instruction - to sweep it under the carpet. Do not accept that instruction. Do not accept that non-apology.

You're best chance of ensuring it doesn't happen ever again is to be absolutely clear to him that there will be consequences if he ever does anything like that again. If he pushes you or even just makes you think he will - he's out. That has to be made clear to him. And if he objects to you telling him that he is never to push you again - he should be out immediately. Because any pushback on being told future consequences means he's OK with pushing you in the future.

Protect yourself.

My DP and I will be at the same stage as your relationship when my baby comes in October. Two years, and we'll have a newborn too. And I can tell you now that if at any stage he pushes me, the mother of his child, I wouldn't stand for it. He's the provider and love of my life but it's unacceptable and you shouldn't live with that.

He wouldn't push a 6'5 man. He wouldn't push his boss. He wouldn't push a police officer, because...consequences. But whatever is going on with him, he has taken it out on someone smaller and weaker than him, because he can.
Yes - as pp said. There have to be consequences. Sulking apologies the next day aren't enough.

I'm not sure if I should forget about it
NO! He hasn't even given an explanation. Where is his head at?? He needs to get a grip of his emotions and tell you what is going on to behave this way.

Something similar happened to me while our LO was a few months old. I told my family members and a close friend. Nothing else has happened since then, a few years ago now.
Looking back he probably had some postnatal depression.
I won't forget it and neither should you. If anything else happens you should tell people and make plans to leave.

Sorry OP but just wondering how many more updates until it transpires he isn’t a good partner:
Withholds money
Hasn’t bathed his son alone
You never get a night off

Etc?

You should not forget about it, but I think you will.

This is how it starts.

It seems to be able unpopular opinion on here but if this was my partner I would want to find out what was wrong with him if its so out of character!

Men can go through mental struggles too after having a baby and with everything happening with covid a lot of people are suffering with depression at the minute. I'm not excusing him pushing you at all but I would want to get to the bottom of his emotions then make it known that what he did wasn't acceptable and if it happened again you'd be gone.