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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unsure how I (26F) should proceed with this person and how he (35M) feels. Advice?

57 replies

miamichill · 02/05/2021 07:14

Had been talking to this guy for a few months prior to the meeting. He said he is open to a relationship but not with anyone (same). I ended up thinking that he was a bit too forward in the kindest way and I had gotten out of a relationship a month or so beforehand. We had some really great chats. I think he took it a bit negatively and blocked me on social media. I had noticed that he unblocked me on social media so I reached out saying it was probably a miscommunication. He responded positively and we had our first date. Said to me to come to his which we did, we ordered food to his (very gentlemanly sort of guy), attracted to each other, great chats again and we went on a little evening picnic. We both have similar interests in academic stuff. We only kissed that night. I got to his around 6 pm and left almost 12 hours later. He offered that I could stay the night but we could sleep in separate rooms or he was happy to drive me home but it was late, so he ordered an uber for me. We both are quite busy and we had our second date a few weeks later. He said it would be nice to hang again. A few days before our second date, he asked what I was up to one evening and offered movie night in PJs.

Anyway, the second date comes, I got to know him a bit better and he mentioned that we're quite similar. Joked that we both mumble a lot. Ended up sleeping together, not a selfish person, cuddled afterwards and had our good chats. The date went really long like last time and I got an uber home. He messaged me asking if I was okay and to send me the details of the driver. We have been in contact via social media a bit since.

I'm just unsure whether he should be the one that expresses what he wants in person or do I mention that this is what I'm after. He works till the evenings throughout the week and weekend so it seems that I can only see him after work hours.
He reached out asking how I am, days went by and I started to think that I didn't like it how I wouldn't know when I was going to see this guy again and that if it's not meant to be, it's all good. Immature but I sent him a text saying that I didn't like it how our two dates consisted at just his house and that I'm often left not knowing when I would see him again, I said I don't have expectations around texting.

He said he would talk to me the next day as he had a lot on his plate and he is sorry for not mentioning when he would like to see me again in the manner it deserves. I knew the answer wouldn't be good so I deleted him off my social media. He sent me a very rude message the next day saying I was immature, we ended up calling and he said that he thought he would be open to a relationship but he thinks he cannot provide what I would like. I then said to him that I've only met him twice and I'm unsure myself but I do like to know when I'm with someone if they would like to see me again such as 'this was great, when are you free next?' and weirdly he said he felt the same with me. He also said something along the lines of that he doesn't hear from me for days and is unsure of how I feel. He said forget the relationship talk, that he likes me and thinks I'm cool but he asked what my expectations were regarding texting and said he would like to see me again. He said we don't also have to be sexual when we catch up, we can be friends or anything.

The next day I said I would like to see him again but I would not pressure him but I understand if he doesn't as I don't want to waste my time. I apologised for blocking him. He rudely responded and said "I don't want to deal with this fking bullshit right now, name. I said I've been accommodating enough and to not contact me again. He replied saying 'f* off, mate' and blocked my number and on WhatsApp. I noticed this morning he unblocked me.

TL;DR guy that I would have liked to have seen again has proved to be quite unstable. Unsure whether I've done the right thing but not ever going to talk to him again. We unfortunately are very similar and have similar interests. I've noticed that he's been blocking a lot of people on his Instagram. Seems unstable.

OP posts:
worried3012 · 02/05/2021 09:03

Im sorry OP but he actually sounds like a good guy. Ok his last messages were rude and I wouldn't stand for them but it sounds like he's stuck around longer than he should have and probably snapped.

You've had two dates and IMO at this early stage you don't need to rush and hound each other. You could also suggest plans or invite him elsewhere.

Blocking and unblocking is completely pointless.

miamichill · 02/05/2021 09:31

@worried3012 a good guy? Finally snapped? What. This all happened in a matter of 24 hours.

OP posts:
GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 09:37

Sorry but you seem a little unstable - everything you’ve said about him - I would reflect back at yourself and see how you do those things. It might give you some insight into yourself and where you’re going wrong in relationships

worried3012 · 02/05/2021 09:39

Ok but I still don't think he's done much wrong. The last message is rude granted but honestly, you just have different expectations to dating and that's fine so not contacting him and moving on is probably the right decision.
Everyone is different but for me personally 2 dates in its still at the casual , getting to know stage and maybe he's similar.
I dunno but it shouldn't be rocky like this so early on.

miamichill · 02/05/2021 09:41

@GoddessKali how I have been unstable? I blocked him once and actually apologised. I don't think that's a criterion for being unstable. Has he apologised for being a first-class prick, no?

OP posts:
miamichill · 02/05/2021 09:42

@worried3012 no, I do agree with you. I think they should be casual. But it's pretty clear we are looking for different things which is the most important factor. Could that change? Of course, people change all the time. But I ain't counting on it.

OP posts:
Dery · 02/05/2021 10:02

@miamichill - the thing is there’s no substitute for letting things unfold organically. Even if you’re both looking for the same things at the outset (eg a committed relationship), you may date for a certain period and one or other or both of you may realise you don’t want a serious relationship with the other. Or you may both start out casual but after a while one or other or both of you may decide you want something more serious. You can’t rush any of this. You have to let it evolve. Two dates is far too soon to start making demands around contact and could scupper what may have turned out to be a good relationship if you hadn’t tried to rush things.

miamichill · 02/05/2021 10:09

@Dery I don't particularly think I rushed things in my view. There were also weeks between our first 'date' and the second as we were both busy, it was just near the end where I may have put the heavies on a bit. But - I appreciate your advice.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/05/2021 10:09

You sound needy and he sounds like a prick. Doesn’t seem much point seeing him again.

PollyDarton1 · 02/05/2021 10:13

This sounds like a whole heap of drama from both sides. The unblocking and blocking stuff is just incredibly juvenile on both parts.

autumnalrain · 02/05/2021 10:30

OP you’ve posted this before, don’t lie. You sound very immature and too intense. He sounds emotionally unavailable. Let this go, it’s clearly not working.

litterbird · 02/05/2021 10:49

OP you posted about this on 11th March!!!! Why are you still going on about this?

YouAreTheStorm · 02/05/2021 10:53

@litterbird

OP you posted about this on 11th March!!!! Why are you still going on about this?
And last Summer - there was a loooong OP about 25F and 34M (same drama, same immature blocking, texting, misinterpreting). Apparently this is a different guy (?!)
litterbird · 02/05/2021 10:58

@YouAreTheStorm....so a different guy from 11th March where she had been with him for 8/9 months??? The post doesn’t make sense at all. Think this might be a made up drama then. I hope the OP has some friends IRL that can help her as coming on here probably isn’t the best option.

Sakurami · 02/05/2021 11:06

Bllody hell..blocking unblocking, PJ party (that was clearly going to be sex) , you sound like my teenagers and not grown adults. Steer clear

cupoftea2021 · 02/05/2021 11:10

Jackieweavefever
Said it all.
He wanted a fb you wanted to latch on.
He's intolerant of it's not his way
Your needy wishing it was yours.
It is common to ask someone how there day is going.. it's the beginning of conversation and about you at least.

IfIHadAHeart · 02/05/2021 12:16

I’m glad someone else has posted it as I was so sure I had read this exact post before, certainly the first few paragraphs almost word for word.

OP, I think you need to look into getting some help and real life support. It’s not normal behaviour to repeatedly post the same scenario with a little twist each time. If any of this is true, I think the problem is you and your current mental state. Please consider getting help or confiding in a friend at least.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/05/2021 12:35

Oooohhh yes. Now I understand why this was ringing bells!!

miamichill · 02/05/2021 12:43

@litterbird the man I was seeing for a 8/9 months was an ex. It's a different man. Jesus christ. I've said that.

OP posts:
miamichill · 02/05/2021 12:45

@CandyLeBonBon nothing should ring a bell because I have only posted about this man before once and it has NOTHING to do with my ex boyfriend that I was with for 8/9 months. Why is this so hard for people on here to understand? It doesn't remotely sound similar besides the fact that they are doctors and similar age. If this doesn't clarify, I'm not going to entertain comments regarding this anymore.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 02/05/2021 12:59

Why add someone you've just met to your social media anyway? It takes months usually I'd of thought - all that access to friends and family info should not be handed to just anyone.
Problem solved re temptation to childishly block and unblock. What we have here is 2 people who when they feel a negative vibe, would rather run away and block, solving nothing, rather than discuss like mature adults.
But at the end of the day, telling you to f**k off, to my mind crosses a line, best not to pursue anyone who talks to you that way.

litterbird · 02/05/2021 13:17

@miamichill, with the deepest of respect.....if you are repeating issues with the same type of man in the same industry I suggest you stop all relationships for now and come off from dating as it clearly isn't for you right now.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/05/2021 13:27

[quote miamichill]@CandyLeBonBon nothing should ring a bell because I have only posted about this man before once and it has NOTHING to do with my ex boyfriend that I was with for 8/9 months. Why is this so hard for people on here to understand? It doesn't remotely sound similar besides the fact that they are doctors and similar age. If this doesn't clarify, I'm not going to entertain comments regarding this anymore.[/quote]
Same issues though. Which is problematic for you, no? So perhaps you need to step away from dating and delve into why you keep repeating the same patterns of behaviour.

I've been there op. Work on yourself for a bit.

Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 13:57

@miamichill two dates!? Why all the drama!? You both sound draining, not a great match for you or hun. Stop you the blocking/unblocking. It’s immature.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2021 14:04

This has disaster written all over it.

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