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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive?

47 replies

Coffeecake12 · 01/05/2021 22:31

Just wondering what people's views are.

My husband and his childhood friend (female) grew up together in Yorkshire and lived nearby to each other as part of a close knit circle of close family friends.

Thing is, she is quite possessive and is slightly jealous in nature. Since I married my husband, she has essentially criticised me to my husband via text, although not overtly. From other comments, it is clear that her mother is also jealous of the good relationship my husband has with my parents, as she considers him to be her son. My husband just dismisses it and doesn't engage in politics.

I won't get into details of everything but I'm starting to wonder whether I need to address this with my husband more seriously.

When I gave birth to my twins last month, she posted on Facebook a picture of her and my husband with the caption, "New daddy! :) Brother. Aunty loves you so so much little nephews". She only tagged my husband in this. She didn't feel the need to include me. Similarly, in the newborn card, she addressed it to the babies and made the whole rambling message inside about her, her family and my husband. There was no mention of me and no congratulations offered to us as a couple, as the new parents. She did however message me separately to say congratulations, but then she went on to say that they (her and her parents) have been waiting forever for my husband's baby. When I questioned her, she said how close they were to my husband and how "his" baby is a big thing for them.

Similarly, when I got married to my husband before we had kids, she sourced a photo of the 3 of us on my wedding day, but cropped me out of the photo, so it was just a photo of her and my husband together. The brief caption was about how happy she was and how she would always be there for him. Again, she just tagged my husband. Someone even commented how good they both looked. She often does this sort of thing on social media but when it's about something which involves me so personally, such as me getting married or giving birth, it's just weird to me that she excludes me and just makes it about her and my husband.

In the past, she's even messaged him to say it was nice to see him and that he looked very handsome when we were all at a social outing at the races earlier that day. The message came as soon as he and I sat down in the car to leave the venue. I don't know why she had to especially message him separetely afterwards rather than just say it to his face/in front of us all when we were all together. I don't object to this per se but, combined with everything else, I'm unsure of her.

I'm starting to think this possessiveness is unhealthy. I know they message each other from time to time. But then again, she messages me whenever it's my birthday or to say congratulations where it's due. So it's got me confused! My husband just thinks of her as family but I just find this general behaviour on her part slightly off-putting.

OP posts:
messybun101 · 01/05/2021 22:59

Similarly, when I got married to my husband before we had kids, she sourced a photo of the 3 of us on my wedding day, but cropped me out of the photo, so it was just a photo of her and my husband together.

This alone is weird. Add in everything else and there's a conversation to be had. I'm not sure what the solution is but if someone was continuing down this strange behaviour with my DP I would not be happy. And he would absolutely know it. You definitely need to bring this up.

Glitteringduck · 02/05/2021 00:30

What a strange woman. Next time she crops you out of a picture on FB just comment " I can't believe you cropped me out of the picture with MY husband haha" make her look the weirdo she is!!
If she really does miff you off though, just block her. She's made it clear she's not your friend. Just your hubbies!

BlueVelvetStars · 02/05/2021 03:50

Get this rude Fucker kicked into touch !? Why the fuck does your avoid saying anything ? is he trying to protect his 'perfect SIL' that never was image ?

HE needs to sort this out and swiftly, this is not normal behaviour OP.

Congratulations on the birth of your Twins. 🌸🌺🌼

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2021 04:47

Nah, this wouldn't work for me, and not due to being jealous in any way. She's a disrespectful nutter with an apparent total lack of appreciating boundaries. I'd be having a very direct conversation with my husband about this.

Stichintime · 02/05/2021 05:00

Please address this with your husband. He needs to put boundaries in place and make it clear to her his cutting you out of photos etc is not acceptable. You're his wife he needs to make it clear you come first.
If he won't pull her up on it you need do it yourself.

jelly79 · 02/05/2021 06:13

I think too have been so balanced in your post and you should absolutely deal with this. I have many platonic, life long friendships with men who are now married and I find her behaviour really odd. Like their friendship needs validating. I'd have a conversation directly with her initially

Washingtofold · 02/05/2021 06:38

This is totally unacceptable . Your husband needs to be making it very clear that you are his life partner and priority and that if she wants to be in his life that means respecting you
How dare she not even congratulate you on your babies . Surely she doesn’t expect to see them when she barely acknowledges their mother
I think a serious talk with hubs about boundaries with this disrespectful nutter is called for ASAP

Washingtofold · 02/05/2021 06:39

And yes , like others have said . If he won’t do it I’d be telling her myself

Windmillwhirl · 02/05/2021 06:46

This is so OTT. She is spiteful as hell and it's definitely deliberate. Your dh sounds utterly weak when it comes to her. Another issue there that in your shoes I would be addressing pronto. Why is he not defending you when she is spiteful?

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/05/2021 07:05

This woman’s got a problem. You shouldn’t have to, but next time she pulls one of her stunts to exclude you, pull her up smartly. So smartly that she’s left in no doubt she’s out of order. Hopefully you won’t have to do it again.
J

YouShouldLeave · 02/05/2021 07:23

This is bizarre.

I read it like a beginning of a horror story.

What does your husband say/think/done about it?

Ladydayblues1 · 02/05/2021 07:26

Do you live nearby or is there distance between you?

How often does she see him?

They all sound too enmeshed and stuck in the childhood phase of the relationship. Sounds like the mother and the daughter have unrealistic and unhealthy boundary issues.

There doesn't need to be drama but there does need to be a process of pulling back into your family unit. I would talk to your DH and tell him you're not looking to start conflict (let's face it that's what most men want to avoid!) instead tell him you'd like to disengage more so they can wean themselves off him. Tell him its better all round and if he were a good friend to her, he'd want her to be less intense and more healthy. Tell him you are concerned about her mental state and this isn't good for her, so any encouragement isn't him doing the right thing for his friend.

MsDogLady · 02/05/2021 07:29

My husband just dismisses it...

This woman is determined to marginalize you. Whether she is an uber territorial platonic friend or actually has a crush on him, your H needs to clearly set her straight regarding her inappropriate attitude/behavior toward you. Anything less would suggest that he wants to prioritize her.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/05/2021 07:33

I'm as relaxed as they come about opposite sex friendships, especially long standing ones, but this is a step beyond that. I think ideally your DH needs to step up and say something. The cropped pic for instance would have been a good time for him to say 'hey where's Coffeecake12!? - she looked the most amazing of all' or, less confrontational 'everyone looked great. It was such a happy day marrying Coffeecake12' or something. And if she criticises you he 100% should be defending you.

KinseyWinsey · 02/05/2021 07:51

She is an absolute weirdo. So is her mother. Really creepy.

If your h doesn't see that then he has severe boundary issues and doesn't feel the need to step up and call her out on this.

Veryverycalmnow · 02/05/2021 08:00

Youve been very good not to say anything. I'd be tempted to say, 'he's not your brother though' and when she tries any of that, 'but we're just like family' nonsense just say, 'haha, that was a long time ago.'
She's behaved in a really strange way and needs to move on. I wouldn't do all that with my actual brother. She's possessive and I'd be concerned.

GoddessKali · 02/05/2021 11:31

This is awful behaviour and your DH needs to get his priorities straight as he’s enabling this

Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 11:52

I wouldn’t be happy about this, it’s not the friendship it’s her overstepping. She’s the “cool” girl and you’ve taken “her man”. Your husband needs to put her straight and support you.

Original poster
Coffeecake12 · 02/05/2021 16:36

Thanks so much all. Every single reply has boosted my confidence. The common theme you are all mentioning in one way or another is - lack of boundaries. I have raised it with DH and he agrees she is self centered and over the top with everything, but he says she is like that with everyone. Which she is, but I feel that she is particularly possessive of DH and just goes that step too far by excluding me in some of these things.

I'm definitely going to be more firm and shut this kind of thing down now. But I'd really like for DH to share with me the text messages he has with her. Not that I don't trust him, but I just want to know the sorts of conversations she is having with him. Because I'm sure she has said lots more things to him privately which wouldn't sit well with me. DH is oblivious though and, because he doesn't relay the communications to me, I'm none the wiser. I'm trying to think of how I can ask him to do this without me looking like a possessive, jealous control freak of a wife!

OP posts:
GreenDahlia · 02/05/2021 16:52

I think it would raise more issues if he refused your request. You need to know what you are truly dealing with and thus will help you.

If he says No, what will you do? what could you do?

🌸

Original poster
Coffeecake12 · 02/05/2021 17:04

Thanks GreenDhalia. I agree with you.

I doubt he will say no, as we both know he's got nothing to hide and, knowing him, he's not one to get on his high horse especially if I'm genuinely upset about something. But I still want to come across as reasonable in my request and the way I communicate it. I think I'll probably say that I won't dictate his responses to her, but that I feel it's important that we are both in the loop with regards to what she is saying to him under the cover of "private" messages. I'm happy to be a bystander; I just don't want to be left in the dark anymore.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 02/05/2021 17:16

Every pic she ever sees of your family needs to be you holding the dc and dh hugging you...
Send one daily until she gets the message.. Group chat only also imo.. You, dh and her.. No private messages..

SelkieFly · 02/05/2021 17:26

I wouldn't bother with any posturing, ie, posting photos you can't be cut out of.

I'd say ''I feel like you cut me out of my own twins' birth! That hurt. Was that your intention?''.

She will PROBABLY say 'oh no no no no you're so sensitive.

and if she says that, play dumb and just say ''I'm so glad it was not your intention''.

Leave it at that. It will put her on notice. Slightly.

If she says she can post who who likes and tag who she likes agree with her, say, yes yes that's true, you do what you like.

Let the inference that that applies to you too hang in the air but do not say it

Good luck.

I used to let people walk all over me and then explode after ten years of being walked all over!

SelkieFly · 02/05/2021 17:29

OMG, I misunderstood, I thought this was your MIL.

She is behaving very strangely.

SelkieFly · 02/05/2021 17:36

Next time she posts a picture of your h and herself together looking like a couple, post something like ''so, still single then Wink ?'' if you're feeling brave, or if you're feeling less brave ''when you get a boyfriend you won't be able to post pictures of yourself looking for all the world like somebody else's girlfriend!''