Am I being too sensitive?

[Coffeecake12]

Just wondering what people's views are.

My husband and his childhood friend (female) grew up together in Yorkshire and lived nearby to each other as part of a close knit circle of close family friends.

Thing is, she is quite possessive and is slightly jealous in nature. Since I married my husband, she has essentially criticised me to my husband via text, although not overtly. From other comments, it is clear that her mother is also jealous of the good relationship my husband has with my parents, as she considers him to be her son. My husband just dismisses it and doesn't engage in politics.

I won't get into details of everything but I'm starting to wonder whether I need to address this with my husband more seriously.

When I gave birth to my twins last month, she posted on Facebook a picture of her and my husband with the caption, "New daddy! :) Brother. Aunty loves you so so much little nephews". She only tagged my husband in this. She didn't feel the need to include me. Similarly, in the newborn card, she addressed it to the babies and made the whole rambling message inside about her, her family and my husband. There was no mention of me and no congratulations offered to us as a couple, as the new parents. She did however message me separately to say congratulations, but then she went on to say that they (her and her parents) have been waiting forever for my husband's baby. When I questioned her, she said how close they were to my husband and how "his" baby is a big thing for them.

Similarly, when I got married to my husband before we had kids, she sourced a photo of the 3 of us on my wedding day, but cropped me out of the photo, so it was just a photo of her and my husband together. The brief caption was about how happy she was and how she would always be there for him. Again, she just tagged my husband. Someone even commented how good they both looked. She often does this sort of thing on social media but when it's about something which involves me so personally, such as me getting married or giving birth, it's just weird to me that she excludes me and just makes it about her and my husband.

In the past, she's even messaged him to say it was nice to see him and that he looked very handsome when we were all at a social outing at the races earlier that day. The message came as soon as he and I sat down in the car to leave the venue. I don't know why she had to especially message him separetely afterwards rather than just say it to his face/in front of us all when we were all together. I don't object to this per se but, combined with everything else, I'm unsure of her.

I'm starting to think this possessiveness is unhealthy. I know they message each other from time to time. But then again, she messages me whenever it's my birthday or to say congratulations where it's due. So it's got me confused! My husband just thinks of her as family but I just find this general behaviour on her part slightly off-putting.

OP,
You are very patient and your husband is disrespectful of you.

The twins thing is not acceptable.

Don't confuse a laid back man with a weak man who actually doesn't have your back sufficiently.

I honestly cannot imagine any man whose wive had twins being happy with that.

She needs putting in her place, firmly.
So does your husband.

Congratulations on twins, mind yourself.

You know what? I wouldn't even address it. The next time she crops you out, crop her out and gush over your husband. Saying something like #couplegoals. She's a dick. Ignore it.

@Addicted2LuvIsland

You know what? I wouldn't even address it. The next time she crops you out, crop her out and gush over your husband. Saying something like #couplegoals. She's a dick. Ignore it.

please do this 🤣😂

Are you sure OP they've never been a "thing", even if it was very brief? Her behaviour is bizzare and sounds like at the very least she fancies him/has unrequited lust/they were intimate at some point. Your husband may not have told you the whole truth of their relationship in order to avoid any clashes and to protect his/ his family's current relationship with her.Or she has some sort of mental health issue ?

Completely inappropriate behaviour on her part and to be honest you should have put your foot down on it long before now, in her presence, since this has been continuous, not just a one off incident. You don't want any woman thinking she has the right to interfe in your marriage and family.

In future instances, Your husband should comment publicly and ask why they've cropped out his wife from the photo. Any rebuff will be much more powerful coming from him and she will soon stop once she realises HE doesn't want this. You need to stand your ground too when appropriate - you're letting this woman walk all over you! In your shoes I would tell him to step up. He should be telling her not to message him privately like that.

She sounds completely deranged. And spiteful as a PP said.

Why the hell has your DH not put a stop to this? My DH has plenty of female friends but if any behaved like this then either they'd be gone or I would be!

Congratulations on your twins.

I wouldn’t bother asking to see the texts as you are making her more important than she is. That is what she wants with her attention seeking behaviour. You have two lovely twins and a husband who loves and chose you. Leave her to her spite and keeping enjoying your life, you sound like a nice person. Please dont let her cause issues. Just draw your hubby’s attention to your grievances and let it go x

Congratulations on your babies op

This woman sounds fucking derranged!

Your husband needs to bring her down a peg or two hoe unacceptable.

My oh my. She isn't going to rest until she's driven a wedge between you. She may be after him. Even if she isn't, then she clearly doesn't want you to have him either.

I would be mightily pissed off. So weird.

I would hate this.

I wouldn't be seeing her much at all.

she's nuts!!

She really needs putting in her place and it doesn't seem like he's going to do it. I wouldn't bother with the passive aggressive posts, just be plain and clear, tell her that her cutting you out of photos and making it look like she and your H are the couple is upsetting and you'd rather she didn't - especially when it comes to your children, you won't be erased from their lives, they're not "his babies" they're "OURS".

and yes ideally he would be the one doing this, but as he hasn't yet, it seems like it won't happen

I have had this woman in my life too. (And the twins 😳). I have been married for nearly 20 years and she has been popping in and out every time she breaks up with someone to try and mark her territory with my DH. It’s absolutely pathetic. When he had his stag do, she went along with the boys.... (tbh, it made them temper their behaviour a bit so I didn’t mind that so much 😉), we had the cropped photo thing and sad faced comments before we were married, but luckily I didn’t have to say anything because everyone else did for me. This woman has form for this with a couple of other people’s relationships too, it would seem. When DH and I were having issues, she sniffed them out like a bloodhound and she was all over him like a rash, being his “confidante”. I had to spell out exactly why this was not okay when she used a conversation he had had in confidence with her as a weapon to try and split us up - ie, “Your DH is confiding in me you know... I know you are having issues with sex since being sexually assaulted and your husband is going to cheat on you sooner rather than later and I’m going to be in there lying in wait.” All said to me in the toilet while we were all out attempting to bury the hatchet. She did - right between the eyeballs. That took a lot of marriage guidance counselling. He now knows that she is NOT an appropriate confidante and she has slipped entirely out of the social loop.
There was a great article somewhere about the “Dog Whistle Girl” but I can’t find it.

@Justilou1

Jesus... how did you navigate that night out and thereafter ..

you sound very strong.. good on you lady 🌸

I walked out of that evening, caught an Uber home and sent an SMS to the other wives from the group stating that it had been made very clear that my DH had been talking out of school with her about things that should stay within a couple or guidance counselling only and they had just been weaponised. The other women already had my back. Her name is mud in that group as it is. My DH’s male friends have told him he was an absolute dick to have that conversation with anyone let alone her. She has somehow been invited to fewer social gatherings since.

This is really odd. With your twins, it's going to be tough for you and any outside interference like this can really mess with your head when you're probably feeling very tired and vulnerable. Your DH needs to firmly step up and respond to any of her barbed future posts firmly

I can honestly tell you from my point of view - been there, done that, and also knowing how bloody hard it is to have twins - (mine are nearly 15 now, so well out of the really tough part - It DOES get easier, I promise!!!) You need to muster your troops - both amongst your friends AND his. Her boundaries are - frankly - fucked up. Nobody is going to see otherwise. You need to get others on board to help him see for himself that this woman is trying to mark her territory with as much subtlety as a Tom cat peeing on a sofa.

*Also, she seems to have some fantasy of shifting you out of the picture to take over the motherhood of his kids if the photos speak 1000 words. A bit sicko, much?

Thanks all. You've actually made my day. I've addressed with my husband before about sticking up for me, he's not good at it but he has improved when I've demanded that he does so. He's a "nice" and non confrontational guy but, by failing to call out bad behaviour, I feel he seriously lets me down. Then I feel like the manipulative and controlling one when I demand he retaliates. Perhaps I shouldn't feel so guilty about it! Thanks again all, you've eased my doubts and some of your humourous comments have given me a chuckle along the way too xxx

Good for you @Coffeecake12!!

OP,

You are far too reasonable.

He needs to be far more worried about pissing you off than taking the easy road.

You are not manipulative/controlling and certainly NOT jealous.🙄

What you are is embarrassed, by HIM, that he is such a weak wuss.

Stick it too HIM, make it about HIM, and how HE embarrasses the family by being such a wuss.

Tell him to sort it out or HE will feel the chilly wind of your displeasure.

OP I feel you, I have this but only from the woman’s mother, not the woman herself IYSWIM? She’s always seen my DH as her future SIL and just can’t let go!

When we got married she posted a photo of just her daughter and DH at the wedding and tagged just them saying “such a lovely couple”! Erm, the bloke just married me, not your daughter, you nutter!

The daughter doesn’t do anything to stop her; mind you! But she’s now got a DP.

Anyway, enough about me! I think you should point out this bizarre behaviour to DH, tell him it’s disrespectful and it’s time to step up as a husband now you have kids. He needs to call out her weird behaviour. Every. Time.

So if she messages just him he should reply “thanks from me and my lovely wife”, or if she tags just him he should reply “what about my wife?” And tag you. She needs to get told!