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Original poster

I want a family but have so many doubts

28 replies

Birdy2 · 01/05/2021 22:11

Hi all,

I'm at a crossroads with a relationship of almost 5 years, most of which has been long distance. He lives abroad and cant enter the uk due to passport so l usually fly to visit several times a year. Here's the thing, I know he's not a good match for me. I'm highly driven, not necessarily towards money or career, but I'm always working on something, carving away at goals and dreams. He's so lazy, has always been given everything, always had help, never been self reliant. I've been independent from a young age and have experienced a lot in my life without support, financial or emotional. I'm really unhappy with my life in the UK, I have no purpose, all my mates are busy with their families, I go from job to job, just keeping my head above water.. so I have decided to sell my house in the uk with a view to move to be with my partner, start a family, live closer to nature and my artistic dreams. But, I feel such a sense of unease as though I'm ignoring my gut. I'm 35. I dont trust easily and actually cant remember the last time a man made me look twice let alone want to learn more about him. I know I'm settling but is this so unusual? The only thing I want now is a family of my own and I'm aware that I'm running out of time.

Would really love some advice.

Thanks, B

OP posts:
everythingcrossed · 01/05/2021 22:26

I can understand the idea of wanting to move abroad in search of a less stressful life (although question if that's necessarily what you would find) but it sounds as if you don't have much of a connection, much respect or even much affection for your boyfriend. Is moving to his country and becoming dependent on him - at the very least socially - a good idea? I would consider moving somewhere completely different if you are keen to relocate and exploring becoming a lone parent.

Dontbeme · 01/05/2021 22:41

Why would you do that to a child OP? Why would you want them to have a dad that you don't even seem to like, let alone love? You do understand if you move to his country and have a child that you are then most likely stuck there until your child is 18? No matter what kind of life you have, no matter if you have no work, no family there, no friends, no support you are not leaving with your child if that child's father says no.

You don't know this man, he is a rolling holiday romance that you have seen at his best a few times a year and you already know he's not for you, you have different ambitions in life. This entire plan is nuts and set to implode from the start. I think you should speak to a career or life coach to lay out a plan for what you really want.

Lampan · 01/05/2021 23:15

Oh god. DON’T DO IT. You clearly resent your partner, that resentment will grow and grow especially once you are trapped in his country with a child and a lazy partner.
Do you even like him? What are his good points? Does he have any?
Your mates may be busy with their families but if you move abroad who is to say you will find more friends?
If you must go abroad, go somewhere of your own choosing for a fresh start. But listen to your gut.

Dery · 01/05/2021 23:22

@Dontbeme and @Lampan are spot on. I understand the desire to get cracking on with having a family but it’s a huge mistake to do it with the wrong person. If you have a powerful longing for children, it would be far more sensible to look into going it alone or wait for a better partner. Don’t foist a lazy dad on your children to be.

cerealgamechanger · 01/05/2021 23:27

Don't do it. Seriously.

Bul21ia · 01/05/2021 23:28

I can understand you want a family OP. I wouldn’t recommend someone who lives in another Country... I mean they are ways if you really feel the need to..

Mrbob · 01/05/2021 23:29

No. This is a terrible terrible idea. Having a child alone would be better than ending up stuck in another country with someone you don’t even like possibly unable to come home.
Move overseas alone. Have a baby alone. But don’t do this just to add some kind of interest to your life that you feel is lacking

MiniTheMinx · 01/05/2021 23:31

Seriously a very bad idea

BlueVelvetStars · 02/05/2021 01:31

Do NOT Do IT 😱

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/05/2021 06:07

Please don’t bring a child into this.

Kiitos · 02/05/2021 06:41

Doesn’t sound like it would be ‘having a family’ in the way that most people who want families would envisage. More like tying yourself down with a child, a useless man and probably trapping yourself in another country. Surely partnership and respect are the absolute minimum required to think about having a child. You don’t appear to have either.

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 06:49

I would be very careful here, you are already uneasy about the situation.
We occasionally get threads on here where women have gone abroad and got married/babies and now want to come home, but they are stuck as to how they get the children back. The father has rights, and in some cases the children cannot be removed from the country.
You need to think very carefully about this and listen to your gut instinct.

Orangebug · 02/05/2021 06:52

You don't sound well suited at all OP!

In long distance relationships there's always the risk that when you move in together you find the transition between short intense bursts to seeing each other every day difficult, and the relationship doesn't survive the change. But in your case it sounds like you almost know that will happen!?

MyOtherProfile · 02/05/2021 06:52

If he is too lazy to get a passport to come visit you he will be too lazy to be a dad.
Does he even want you to go and live there?

Sorry but I'm another one who thinks it's a bad idea. Far better to call it a day with him and try to make improvements to your life here.

Orangebug · 02/05/2021 06:53

I think you might really regret this OP.

ivfgottwins · 02/05/2021 06:53

Incredibly selfish to even consider bringing a child into this

Cowbells · 02/05/2021 06:58

Don't do it. If you get pregnant and have to stay at home or work part time in a foreign country, tied to a deadbeat man who will probably be a useless lazy dad, then you are basically throwing your life away.

If I were in your position I'd look at one of the matchmaking sites for people who want to be parents, who aren't looking for a partner, for whatever reason, but actively want to raise a child. Find a reliable, supportive man on there and keep the stability of your home life.

FWIW you have a good 5-10 years in which you could still find a partner you love and like to have children with.

Bananalanacake · 02/05/2021 08:23

Does he earn enough to support a family.

AmyLou100 · 02/05/2021 08:27

This has disaster written all over it. You sound very unhappy within yourself, and you want to take this into a foreign place and bring a baby into this? And can you even call it a relationship if you are living lives apart in different countries? Do you even know him well?

MinimumChips · 02/05/2021 08:33

Don’t do it. If you have a child and change your mind you may not be able to move home with your child unless he agrees. No way would I “settle” with someone where I had to risk setting stuck abroad and had to sell up my own home. You could have a child on your own or settle with someone closer to home so you don’t have to sell up and risk getting stuck abroad. I get the desire for adventure and a family but this would be a daft way to go about it.

LIZS · 02/05/2021 08:33

You are making all the running. If he is as lazy as you suggest he won't support you or a baby and you may well run into issues with nationality, passport and being able to return to uk. It sounds like you have built up both the ldr and life in his country to be more romantic and idyllic than harsh reality. Focus on your life here and how you can make positive changes. There is no real future in moving and starting a family with him.

BusyLizzie61 · 02/05/2021 09:14

Atm you have security with regards your own home and jobs.

If you want a child, then surely in the current situation, you'd be better off looking into sperm donors and being a mother by choice, rather than being stuck elsewhere, with no security, by the sounds of it a useless bloke who wouldn't in all honesty be a great father if he can't be arsed to be a great partner!

lap90 · 02/05/2021 10:32

He lives abroad and can't enter the UK for passport reasons?

Where is he from?

Sounds like you're desperate for a family and see this man as someone who can at least provide that.

Settling is not unusual I guess... women do it all the time by the looks of things on here.

Pity nonetheless.

PanamaPattie · 02/05/2021 10:48

Don’t be daft. This has got disaster written all over it.

sleepyhead · 02/05/2021 11:04

The very first thing you should do is find out what would happen if you have a child and want to leave.

I think you're crazy, but at the very least find out if you're potentially trapping yourself in a country for the next 18 years if things go tits up.