DP has extreme health anxiety and I don't know what to do

[Worried12345578]

Sorry long but appreciate any help at all.

DP and I both work in healthcare services, both very high stress, not great pay jobs. I've been working at home all through the pandemic, however he has been working in his office and in healthcare services in full PPE - he works a 45 hour workweek + takes on 1-2 additional 12 hour sleeping shifts on top, for a bit of extra cash. Last week he did 50 hours at work plus 42 hours overtime.

He says he's always had health anxiety, but this past year it's gotten progressively worse. He seems to have mainly kept this to himself as I haven't witnessed this at all before this last month.

For info DP is 35, ideal weight, plays rugby and football, non smoker, drinks maybe 1 beer a week. Healthy in every way pretty much. Only ever been in hospital for broken bones. Only health issue is asthma which his whole family have.

The past month has been absolutely horrific. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and have been dealing with unending sickness for the past 5 weeks. I haven't had any time off work, plus have been doing nursery runs for DD and doing my best.

DP had a breakdown 4 weeks ago, had a panic attack driving to work, had to pull his car over at the side of the road and was sobbing and couldn't breathe. The reason - he is so worried about having his second Covid jab (AZ) in case he gets a blood clot. He had a doctor's appointment and the doctor tried to put him at ease, told him it's personal choice. I told him I supported him whatever he decided. He has decided against getting the second jab, which is fine. I just want him to stop worrying as he was literally staying up all night shaking and panicking.

I thought we were past it, now today he has checked his blood pressure and heart rate 30 times, convinced his pre-high blood pressure reading means he's going to get a heart attack and die. He's now watching YouTube videos about heart problems, and endlessly scrolling Google and checking his pulse. He says he feels dizzy and lightheaded now - I said probably as he hasnt eaten in 6 hours when we've been out all day and he only got 6 hours sleep last night. He's now gone out on a run to de-stress.

I don't know how to help or what to do. It's driving me mad as I feel like he's a completely different person. I'm so stressed out and physically sick myself with this pregnancy and looking after DD and feel like he can't support me in this current state and I can't support him as I just feel like he's worrying about nothing. I know how horrendous anxiety can be as I suffered myself years ago when in college, and it was horrible. I had counselling. I'm really really trying to be supportive but I don't know what to do.

The doctor has offered to sign him off work but we can't survive on my salary and his sick pay. I have no idea what to do. I just love him and want him to be okay.

I'm really sorry things are so difficult for you right now. My partner often has health anxiety, checking his pulse all the time, afraid to eat or sleep in case he dies. He referred himself via IAPT and he had some CBT which really helped. We also spoke about what I had observed from the outside, that his health anxiety gets worse when he's avoiding something else he is worried about because in his head it's ridiculous to be anxious but X,y or z but health is legitimate. We're at the point now where if I see him check his pulse, I can ask him what's wrong and he'll have a good think and come back with the real reason and we talk it out. He's also committed to not looking things up on his phone as it makes it worse.

I don't know if your OH is facing a similar kind of thing or if you relate at all but it is absolutely exhausting and I hear how difficult and draining it is for you as a carer. If you need formal support too please don't be afraid to reach out someone.

He's working incredibly long work weeks, is this out of necessity? Could he dial it back a bit? Could he be worried about being a father, pregnancy and is converting that into health anxiety?

He's working 92 hours a week?

He needs to knock that on the head - no wonder he's stressed and anxious.

He needs to rest, recover and look after himself away from work- have a few weeks off/ signed off sick and practice self care- nice food, walks in the fresh air, stop looking at health stuff online, stop measuring his blood pressure, do things he enjoys etc.

And make an appointment to see his GP about his anxiety.

I hope you have evidence of him having really worked all this extra overtime, such as a healthier bank balance.
Can't see him having to wear full PPE if he's office based, or on a sleep shift ( nursing home I'm guessing). The only reason you wear full PPE is when you know you are looking after someone who has covid. Is he prone to exaggeration? There could be some guilty conscience going on here, can't see anyone being allowed to do 92 hours in a week, maybe an excuse as to why not at home🤔

Does he work for the NHS? Have you checked what his sick pay would be, because often it's full pay for some time.

It sounds like he would benefit from some anti anxiety medication.

Working so many hours is far, far worse for him than anything like a vaccine. Does he have to work so many hours? It sounds as though he doesn't get a break.

@Opentooffers

I hope you have evidence of him having really worked all this extra overtime, such as a healthier bank balance. Can't see him having to wear full PPE if he's office based, or on a sleep shift ( nursing home I'm guessing). The only reason you wear full PPE is when you know you are looking after someone who has covid. Is he prone to exaggeration? There could be some guilty conscience going on here, can't see anyone being allowed to do 92 hours in a week, maybe an excuse as to why not at home🤔

Your post is not true. My DP works in a Day Service setting and is in full PPE all day. People in care can easily work 92 hours in a week if Sleep In shifts are available. Low staffing makes it easy to pick up extra shifts.

I think there's a discrepancy with interpretation as to what full PPE is, you can't stand wearing it for much past 3 hours at a time - full gown/suit and an FFP3 tight fitting mask.

@NotaCoolMum my DP is in a similar situation. He manages services for vulnerable individuals with brain injuries and usually other MH issues or drug addictions.

Sorry by full PPE he has to wear face visor & blue mask underneath, plastic gloves and apron all day every day. This is due to the offices all being within the services. But yes not the level of hospital grade I don't think.

To the person suggesting he's cheating on me, thanks that is really helpful to a pregnant person struggling yes we share our money so I see he's earning far extra to what his basic would be. He also facetimes me every night he isn't at home, once his service user is sorted and going to bed, and he's clearly in PPE and usually washing up in the house or in a tiny single bedroom/office filled with paperwork. Lots of times I have heard the service user shouting and coming to ask him questions while he's on the phone also, so he is absolutely not doing anything untoward.

I have told him to stop the sleep shifts and just do his basic hours. He actually likes doing his one sleep a week as he's been working there 12 years and gets along really well with this particular service user, they have a good time and watch football together. I think he thinks of him as a kind of grandad/uncle.

The 92 hours is not the norm but he has been picking up extra shifts recently, they've had to cover the rota a lot due to people getting Covid or other illnesses, and 2 staff on Mat leave. And also as he's a higher pay grade, it's really good money (around £300 to do a day+night shift) so I think he feels like he can't turn that down as we have a lot to save for with the baby, and we don't own our house which is only small 2 bed. I think he is feeling pressure to 'provide' - I've told him to please not do this and to drop the extra shifts, which as of now he has. Hopefully this might help.

This sounds dreadful for you, OP, living with someone with these problems is incredibly hard. What additional support can you get for you? I'm afraid you really can't solve his health anxiety, he needs to get himself some mental health support asap so that you're not feeling responsible for him.

Did he struggle last time you were pregnant? Health anxiety is an expression of overall anxiety so he no doubt has other stuff going on, but that is not for you to be worrying about, beyond the natural concern for him and wanting a partner who can support you right now.

Who else can support you until he's sorted himself out? I don't mean to be callous but there's a risk of you being overlooked in his anxiety drama.

I can concur that health anxiety is a symptom of stress elsewhere in life - suffered myself in the past - so absolutely trying to reduce the work stress is the thing that will help reduce it. Having a baby on the way is likely to be compounding things unfortunately. It’s a way of trying to subconsciously exert some control over your life when so much seems out of control.

Does he/could he have OCD @Worried12345578? I’m asking because I do and checking his blood pressure etc could be a compulsion triggered by stress/fear of illness etc. I used to do similar.

@NotaCoolMum

Does he/could he have OCD *@Worried12345578*? I’m asking because I do and checking his blood pressure etc could be a compulsion triggered by stress/fear of illness etc. I used to do similar.

I'd agree. I don't think this is health anxiety either. I think there's something else going on here with mental health.

He needs a mental health assessment and professional support so that OP can concentrate on her pregnancy and everything else she has on her plate

This sounds awful not only for your DP but for you too. Thankfully he has stopped the extra shifts so hopefully you might see some improvement. My good friend suffers from health anxiety but it is triggered by her partners ex and the constant problems with her. She understands it and is now going through CBT. Your DPs instinct to try and provide for you and the children is honourable but is having a detrimental effect on everyone. Hopefully he can now take some time out for himself and rest a bit. I hope you both have good support from your families around you to give you some time out too to be together as a couple and enjoy some down time alone and have some fun.

I suffer from health anxiety and last year in the first lockdown I became very unwell with it. I went on medication and it saved my life. Has he spoken to his GP?

@NotaCoolMum

Does he/could he have OCD *@Worried12345578*? I’m asking because I do and checking his blood pressure etc could be a compulsion triggered by stress/fear of illness etc. I used to do similar.

There can be a real cross over between HA and OCD but checking, internal focus, poking and prodding, googling sx are all very common in HA. It can be awful to live with both for the person suffering and family and friends, I work as a CBT therapist and treatment can be really effective. It sounds like he needs some time off work to de stress and then some CBT, in the meantime there are some good books like 'overcoming health anxiety' which will help him see why pulse checking googling etc and feeding his anxiety and leading to him having more symptoms.

Thanks for the kind words and helpful suggestions everyone. He has had a GP appointment over the phone and the GP said 'you have health anxiety, you are worrying a lot but you're perfectly healthy, what is it you're wanting from this appointment?' DP replied he wasn't sure but asked if he could have some advice/help on what he could do to help sort this, doctor told him 'well I can put you on medication but I find in the short term it makes things worse before it gets better, or I can sign you off work' DP refused both as it sent his anxiety through the roof, the idea of it getting worse or turning into a zombie through meds. And we just couldn't afford him to be signed off work. His take home pay is about £2300 a month and we really need that money as we have high outgoings. He'd go right down to SSP which is appallingly low, we'd be in rent arrears within 2 months. I don't think being signed off work would help, like me DP thrives off being busy and he does love his job. I've asked him to speak to work about cutting down his hours and responsibilities, and cutting out the extra shifts.

We could think about private counselling I suppose, I found CBT massively helped me when I suffered years ago.

@Athinginitself totally agree that the more he checks his pulse etc the more he will be compelled to do it as it’s a temporary relief- he knows it relieves the anxiety even momentarily so when the anxiety pops up again, he checks his pulse, Google’s etc again. It’s a vicious cycle @Worried12345578 and I really hope he is able to get CBT for it. When my OCD was at its worst, my CBT therapist told me to take little steps. I had severe contamination OCD during my pregnancy and couldn’t touch ANYTHING for fear of contamination. If I took a shower and my elbow touched the shower curtain, I had to scrub myself all over to get rid of “contamination”. My CBT therapist told me to touch the shower curtain while showering and then get out of the shower without scrubbing myself- I knew it would be hard but I was willing to do anything and everything to not live in the cycle so I did it. It was horrible for me at first, but after a couple of days, I felt ok about it until it became a non-issue. This is just one of MANY examples of the “small steps” I took through my CBT and they made a huge difference in my life. I’m so sorry that you guys are going through this. You sound lovely and caring and I really wish you and your little family all the best xx

In a nutshell, he’s in a completely inappropriate profession for him.

OP, he needs to see someone for therapy ASAP as HA is torturous, and it can be one of the more difficult to treat anxiety disorders, so the sooner he gets help the better.

The ‘Overcoming Health Anxiety’ book a PP mentioned is very good, I’d second this as a suggested read while he waits to see somebody.

Can you look to reduce your outgoings and save up some money so the poor man can actually have some time off work to rest, recover and seek treatment? £2300 take home plus your salary is a pretty decent income.

You could also get some CBt privately (if funds allow) if the NHS waitlist is too long.

His health really needs to be the priority here.

Not sure how someone got cheating!? He sounds like he’s having an awful Mh crisis op. This must be so hard for you all. Ultimately he needs help. Do you have any Mh support in your area?

That's scary about your outgoings. Can I ask why they're so high? Because it's a lot of pressure in the mix and he won't always be able to keep up this level of work (doesn't sound like it's good for him right now) and it'll only get more stressful when the baby arrives and your earnings go down. His salary is good, but sounds like you don't have any savings if you'll be in arrears that quickly. Can you take a step back and look at the big picture, see what changes you can make to take the pressure off? It's awful that the two solutions offered by the GP are non-starters and it really sounds like something has to give, before it's all too much.

I have to admit that if I felt I had to work 92 hours a week or I'd lose my house, I'd be out of my mind with anxiety too. I assume you've looked into it and no way to reduce any outgoings?

If you're living so hand to mouth with him doing over 90 hours a week and you have another baby on the way it's absolutely no surprise he is suffering health anxiety. That's an incredible amount of pressure to know that your normal salery is not enough and that you need the extra income each month to live on rather than saving it. Have you gone through your outgoings?

Truthfully he needs to reassess his work situation or I can see this all getting much much worse when your on mat leave if he doesn't deal with it ASAP.