DP has extreme health anxiety and I don't know what to do

[Worried12345578]

Sorry long but appreciate any help at all.

DP and I both work in healthcare services, both very high stress, not great pay jobs. I've been working at home all through the pandemic, however he has been working in his office and in healthcare services in full PPE - he works a 45 hour workweek + takes on 1-2 additional 12 hour sleeping shifts on top, for a bit of extra cash. Last week he did 50 hours at work plus 42 hours overtime.

He says he's always had health anxiety, but this past year it's gotten progressively worse. He seems to have mainly kept this to himself as I haven't witnessed this at all before this last month.

For info DP is 35, ideal weight, plays rugby and football, non smoker, drinks maybe 1 beer a week. Healthy in every way pretty much. Only ever been in hospital for broken bones. Only health issue is asthma which his whole family have.

The past month has been absolutely horrific. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and have been dealing with unending sickness for the past 5 weeks. I haven't had any time off work, plus have been doing nursery runs for DD and doing my best.

DP had a breakdown 4 weeks ago, had a panic attack driving to work, had to pull his car over at the side of the road and was sobbing and couldn't breathe. The reason - he is so worried about having his second Covid jab (AZ) in case he gets a blood clot. He had a doctor's appointment and the doctor tried to put him at ease, told him it's personal choice. I told him I supported him whatever he decided. He has decided against getting the second jab, which is fine. I just want him to stop worrying as he was literally staying up all night shaking and panicking.

I thought we were past it, now today he has checked his blood pressure and heart rate 30 times, convinced his pre-high blood pressure reading means he's going to get a heart attack and die. He's now watching YouTube videos about heart problems, and endlessly scrolling Google and checking his pulse. He says he feels dizzy and lightheaded now - I said probably as he hasnt eaten in 6 hours when we've been out all day and he only got 6 hours sleep last night. He's now gone out on a run to de-stress.

I don't know how to help or what to do. It's driving me mad as I feel like he's a completely different person. I'm so stressed out and physically sick myself with this pregnancy and looking after DD and feel like he can't support me in this current state and I can't support him as I just feel like he's worrying about nothing. I know how horrendous anxiety can be as I suffered myself years ago when in college, and it was horrible. I had counselling. I'm really really trying to be supportive but I don't know what to do.

The doctor has offered to sign him off work but we can't survive on my salary and his sick pay. I have no idea what to do. I just love him and want him to be okay.

I really hope he can get assistance with the anxiety and you start to feel better soon,OP. This is an unprecedented time for our generation and I think we are all doing our best

To explain, again he doesn't usually do 92 hours a week. The norm is 45ish plus a 12-14 hour sleep shift.

The income from that (£2300) plus my salary (£1700) means we can cover our outgoings (£2500) plus save £1000 a month for buying a property rather than renting forever, and have £500 disposable to pay for days out, gym membership, swimming lessons etc.

Without DPs salary, on mine alone we couldn't cover our outgoings (£2500) and would never be able to buy a house. Then we'll be stuck renting forever, which will only get more and more expensive. We don't have the option of moving, our jobs and families are here but unfortunately it's an expensive place to live. We've agreed to both work hard this year until baby is due in December and then we can afford a decent house deposit to buy in Spring next year. Otherwise, I'll be on mat leave, then once I'm back in work nursery fees will be £1000 a month, so we'll never be able to save that to buy a house and we can't stay in this tiny 2 up 2 down with 2 kids and 2 cats. If we don't buy next Spring 2022 we'd have to wait until 2026 when both kids are out of nursery, and by then we'd have a 9 year old and 4 year old. We're tripping over eachother already and have no space, washing everywhere, toys everywhere, I don't have an office space to work. It's hard.

To note, the baby was DPs idea. He has always wanted another child. This anxiety is all the last month or so, so I've told him a million times I feel this 'health' anxiety has been triggered by the pressure of having a second child and the work, money, house worries that come with that. We sat down last night and I told him I was considering a termination as I can't deal with his mental health deteriorating like this and the extra pressure on me (and the baby) is too much for me to cope with at the moment. Not to make it about me but I'm just struggling so much with being so sick, working FT, looking after the house and DD... DP broke down crying and begged me not to terminate, he said even the idea broke his heart. He believes we've been gifted with this child and to be fair, when I told him I was pregnant 5 weeks ago I've never seen him so happy. DP is a great guy, doesn't really have any faults except his current MH struggles, and I honestly believe he was born to be a dad. He's so happy we're having another child.

He's currently outside playing rugby with DD and seems so happy and carefree. I hate that this anxiety is eating him up so much in the quiet moments.

Thanks for explaining and the extra info. So you do have savings and wouldn't actually be in arrears within a couple of months, it's just that you are saving up for this house deposit. As that's the case, then why couldn't he get signed off for a few weeks until he's decompressed? I don't think the 'never be able to buy a house' and stuck 'renting forever' are helpful ways to frame it right now. Those never/forever absolutes are overwhelming and simply not true. Given that he's so ill with it and you're so upset that you've considered termination, then surely easing off on the house deposit savings for a couple of months makes much more sense. Deal with the short-term issue of his health now before it becomes a longer term problem, and let the mid-term issue of the house fund wait at least a few weeks if not more. The fact that he's playing happily now is testament to how downtime will help. And the fact that you're saying he only normally does 45-hours plus the sleep shift, as if that's not a lot, shows how warped your normal has become. Please both use some of those savings to take a breather now and get yourselves reset before you ramp up your outgoings even more.

Op what a sad read! My advice would be as I suffer from anxiety is. Tell him not to work to hard as he doesn't get paid enough. Practice mindfulness and meditate. Keep hydrated and stay away from negativity. I guess he works in health care? If so remind him he is a hero and keep positive and both of you keep strong together ❤ good luck you are both a credit to this country and their will be victims of this pandemic just don't let it be your family.

Please op I know your dh is suffering. Please don't let negative energy's effect you. Some mh issues are resolved when negativity has gone. Before any serious action is taken try to get rid of negative energy's and be reassuring.