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Original poster

Ex, parenting and cocaine

32 replies

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 08:39

I've suspected Ex of cocaine use over the last year and asked him if he has because he has access to our kids.
There is long nasty history from him, but children adore him so he sees them for their sake. He pretends he cares for them.
Anyway a few times I've mentioned he seems to have the sniffles Hmmat drop off but he's denied it obviously
Yesterday a letter came here that I opened without checking the envelope (been nearly a year I assume post is mine) and it had a letter from the hospital related to something else but specifically mentioned that yes, he does 'inhale cocaine'
I shouldn't have this information but now I do I don't know what to do.
I have zero regret that I've seen it or anything like that, he's an out and out bastard that's just clever enough to never quite do anything public enough to be called out on it. He makes life a misery

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 11:21

.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 01/05/2021 11:27

I'd give the letter to the police. Maybe post it anonymously to them explaining that he does drugs and theres the proof.

Not much they can do probably but maybe they'll pay him a visit. Shit the bastard up a little.

If also photocopy the letter and stop the children seeing him and if theres any backlash from that, show whomever relevant the letter as proof he is a druggy.

messybun101 · 01/05/2021 11:44

Stop all contact immediately. This is very dangerous territory.
Imagine all the nutter crackheads he'd have coming in and out of the house. Probably won't stop just because the children are there. Until you can be sure your children are not in danger, you have to step in

People who 'inhale cocaine' are not well functioning people. Priorities are out the window

I've been around people who abuse this substance and I can absolutely tell you, not one of them was fit to parent

messybun101 · 01/05/2021 11:48

Keep that letter. Take the slap on the wrist you get for accidentally opening mail not addressed to you because it's much more important to be in your hands than his.

niceupthedance · 01/05/2021 11:48

Is there anyone else with him and the kids during his contact time? Have you previously had concerns about his care of the DC ? Maybe suggest supervised visits but I'm guessing if he's a bastard he'll just say no

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 12:31

Thankyou. I was expecting to be told to calm down and not be nasty,
He's never alone with them, he sees them at his mums only and she's always there. She would be furious about it but she's an enabling person so I don't think she'd do anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 12:33

I don't have convenes exactly. Well I do but not that he would mistreat them, he only had them long enough for some food and a run around.
He was nasty to me verbally and emotionally but with them he's like a Disney dad but not quite as good as that even. Lazy and relies on his mum. I don't like her but she dotes on the kids at least

OP posts:
messybun101 · 01/05/2021 12:50

When his mum asks why she's not supervising his visits anymore, make sure you're honest and open about what you suspected and what you now know to be true. You don't have to show her the letter, but you should tell her the truth

KylieKoKo · 01/05/2021 13:57

Do you have any reason to suspect that he's using cocaine when he's in charge of your children? A lot of people use it recreationally and don't have "nutter crackheads" coming in and out of the house. I am in no way trying to excuse it but a couple of lines with mates when the children aren't there is not the same thing as someone who lives a crack den and is constantly high.

Justmeandme19 · 01/05/2021 14:41

It's very easy to say stop them going to his. But if he took you to court I'm not sure it would look so good on you.
Yes there's a consern about him taking drugs, but that in itself doesn't not necessarily mean he's a risk to the children. I mean he may just take it when he hasn't got the children.
Also his mum is always there so he's not alone with the children. Also you need to think have you ever had any safeguard conserns? He also only sees them for a short time.
I'm only saying this because I have been in a similar place. You need to have facts and proof. The fact he takes drugs alone is not enough.
Please feel free to pm me.

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 16:33

It's a complicated one. I don't think he would do it with them there but he's had severe sniffles at drop off before which is when I became suspicious.
It's more that it's an addition to a list of other issues.
I have no fear of him taking me to court for anything and I sought advice from the domestic violence helpline for what I'm allowed to do etc

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 01/05/2021 16:33

So, he’s never alone with them and his mum looks after them during his contact. Does he drive with them in the car? What are your fears exactly?

Stopping contact is a drastic measure.

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 16:47

@AgentJohnson the list is long but it's not that he will be off his head looking after them, more that it seems every day something else comes up that shows what a lowlife they have for a dad. It was well hidden for a long time.
I haven't said I'll stop contact just that I'm concerned

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 01/05/2021 16:59

more that it seems every day something else comes up that shows what a lowlife they have for a dad

that you had multiple children with

Justmeandme19 · 01/05/2021 17:01

Are you keeping a diary of what's happening and what the children are saying? How old are they? Do they come back and say anything conserning?
It's really hard but you kind of need to work out if your conserns are significant enough to be safeguarding conserns or not. For years the conserns were building up, the children were young and I couldn't put my finger on it. But it wasn't until I had hard proof of abuse and neglect towards them that I actually had the proof I needed. This counted drug use while in sole charge of the children. Domestic abuse while with the children etc etc etc. This was in spite of the fact he was abusive towards me.
What is it you want from the situation? Are you able to communicate with him directly? Eg put your conserns in an email.

Aalvarino · 01/05/2021 17:09

@JustAnotherPoster00 ... why did you post that?? What were you hoping to achieve??

OP, the police might try and get him to do a saliva test if he regularly drives and you tell them that you have concerns he is taking coke and then driving your kids. A friend did this with alcohol and her ex, and I think now that police can test for common recreational drugs in saliva.

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 17:12

@JustAnotherPoster00 yes, I was also stepmum to his son.
He was able to remain charming for a few years before changing and me eventually fleeing to a refuge with the children last year. I don't recommend it
Thankyou for your input, yes I'm aware that sadly I've had children with a monumental arsehole but it's not always easy to spot an abusive person and over time it seeps I'm and takes over everything.
Take care

OP posts:
pog100 · 01/05/2021 17:12

@JustAnotherPoster00

more that it seems every day something else comes up that shows what a lowlife they have for a dad

that you had multiple children with

And what exactly is the point of that nasty comment. The OP said she is gradually realising. It's not like she thought "there's a convenient lowlife crackhead abusive wanker, I'll have a couple of kids with him"
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 17:24

Thankyou for the supportive comments, he didn't introduce himself by taking all of my shoes and putting them outside in dog mess or I would have avoided him for sure funnily enough
My concerns are just that he still tries to control things and I think I'm just hoping to finally get some kind of leverage to get him to just please see them when he's supposed to and get on with life, I'm grabbing at any branch offered to try and keep him from controlling things.
He knows the kids live him and that I put them first and he uses that.
I'm sure there's thousands in the same situation it's just so draining putting up with it.
I think I just want to say 'I know you're doing this, leave me alone, be good to the kids and that's the end of it'.
I don't know

OP posts:
bitchrestingface28 · 01/05/2021 18:11

I had this with my children's dad years ago. His behaviour escalated beyond control and there was nothing I could do so you have my sympathies. It's so draining. I still haven't got a clue how best to handle it but mine ended up getting bored and doesn't see his kids now. He still threatens it saying he will take me to court but hasn't thank god! Maybe just keep it quiet for now, could come in handy in the future?

snowdropsandcrocuses · 01/05/2021 18:21

Word of warning OP. You absolutely do not have a right to keep his mail, particularly medical. Do not do anything with it or send it anywhere because you will incriminate yourself. The data in that letter is considered sensitive data. Unfortunately I have no advice in relation to dealing with your ex except to verbally raise your concerns with Social services. I would still advise you don't share the letter though.

EKGEMS · 01/05/2021 18:34

@JustAnotherPoster00 A wise person once said "It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt"

Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 19:25

Believe me, I don't want his post. He's been told numerous times to change his address but hasn't. It's led to many a horrible debt recovery issue too.
If anything does come here it goes back in the postbox, I don't need reminders of him that's for sure.
I'm saying nothing for now

OP posts:
Original poster
iamtheoneandonlyyy · 01/05/2021 19:26

Thankyou @EKGEMS Thanks

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 01/05/2021 19:32

It is not illegal to open someones post, what is legal is shating the contents with others so don't put it on Facebook🤣

Personally I'd copy the letter and then give him the original, save it in case its needed in the future but for now don't say anything to him.

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