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Original poster

Ex as new partner

31 replies

Lounew · 30/04/2021 23:56

Hi so I've just found out my violent angry abusive ex has just announced his engagement to a family friend 10 years younger than me and it's broke my heart we seperated a year ago but I always wanted to fix things and know it probably for the best but my heart is broken plz help

OP posts:
Piptastic · 01/05/2021 00:13

I know it's a shock but he was VIOLENT, ANGRY and ABUSIVE. He won't of changed. They never do. After the honeymoon period he will still be the angry abusive loser you are well shot of. Only difference is it won't be you he is abusing.

Up your standards. Seek counselling. Work on you. You have lost nothing and have so much to gain.

I know.

My angry, abusive exDH is now dating someone similar. It was a shock at first. Now I just hope that poor girl has more respect for herself than I did when he inevitably does what he did to me, in time.

X

user1481840227 · 01/05/2021 00:21

He could be already abusing her for all you know.
He probably likes the thought of a younger woman cos he thinks they are easier to abuse also!

You definitely should consider therapy so you can start to heal.

Original poster
Lounew · 01/05/2021 00:50

I know but it's like a smack in the stomach I've thought about ending my life the pain is so bad

OP posts:
claire0614 · 01/05/2021 01:24

your ex in fact no one is worth you taking your life for and although his life is looking rosy now you no what he’s like you’ve been there it won’t be as perfect as it seems. It will hurt it will upset you but you can and you will get through it you can and will be happy again be kind to yourself don’t let him win busy yourself distract yourself and you’ll forget about what he’s doing in time. i hope you have real life support please don’t feel alone

Onthemaintrunkline · 01/05/2021 01:48

You’ve simply got to move on, I know that sounds harsh, but honestly you do. Think why you left him, you want more of the same?? Just feel for the new partner, for what she’s got coming, he’s rubbish, set your sights one heck of a sight higher. You’ve had a lucky escape, so many nice decent men out there, your ex wasn’t one of them. Try feeling lucky today....cause you are 💐

Sstrongtn · 01/05/2021 02:02

You should feel heartbroken FOR HER

BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 02:15

OP get yourself some therapy, you are lucky to have escaped this scum bag. You will get through this lady. 🌸

Sandra15 · 01/05/2021 02:16

My friend chucked her boyfriend of 18 months when he hit her. She then said that he had been sexually demanding, bullying etc for most of their relationship. He contacted her after about two years asking for half of their joint savings (he had thus far refused to allow her to have her half) so he could buy someone an engagement ring.

Even though he had smacked her, bullied her and been a sex pest, she felt hurt that he hadn't bought her an engagement ring but wanted to get one for Kathy from the White Horse!

It's illogical. And you are being illogical, too. Probably because you have not met anyone yourself? You say your heart is broken, surely not because you miss a violent angry jackass bullying and abusing you, do you? Think about that. Isn't it broken because of what he did to you?

Life is short. Don't waste a minute thinking about him and his new partner. He's a loser and she is a mug, and she will find that out eventually when he does the same to her.

Don't value yourself so low that you think this fool is a catch and you have lost something.

Original poster
Lounew · 01/05/2021 02:37

Thank you everyone this is how low my self esteem is

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 01/05/2021 03:17

You're going to be okay, even if you don't feel that's true, you will be.

It hurts now and maybe it's not that you want to be with your horrific ex, sometimes you are mourning what you wanted for yourself. Engagements are usually a public signal of a commited and loving relationship, it's not wrong to want that. But you know he isn't capable of that. This poor woman.

You had and have the strength to move on from him. Go live your life free of his anger and abuse.

Plus please call someone like the Samaritans if you're feeling low. The world is a better place with you in it Helpline: 116 123

Sandra15 · 01/05/2021 04:00

@Lounew

Thank you everyone this is how low my self esteem is
Don't let that happen. He's a jackass because he's a jackass, not because you did something to make him that way.
SunIsComing · 01/05/2021 07:08

He’s a violent abusive vile low life. Why on earth would you want to be back with him? Seriously, see a therapist as it’s not a healthy attitude.

AuntieStella · 01/05/2021 07:13

It's often a nasty jolt when there is public proof that an XP has moved on.

But remember you're feeling the loss of the 'what could have been' which is unrelated to what he actually turned in to. Which even from your brief description is someone you're clearly better off without

unicornsarereal72 · 01/05/2021 07:28

This will pass. You think why couldn't he be that decent bloke for me? What has she got that is different etc.

My ex was a coercive manipulative bully. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. Like all abusive situations. They get you were they want you. So you turn yourself inside out for them.

He hasn't changed. He is slowly wearing her down in the same way. They will always find someone who will tolerate this. We did it. Because we want people to be good and kind and we go into 'rescue mode'.

I felt just how you do when my ex left for ow. It destroyed all my self worth. But in time I just hope ow was a stronger person than me. That she stopped tolerating his shitty behaviour. That she challenged him and pushed back. Because I never did. No women deserves to be treated the way my ex behaved.

Be kind to yourself. Build yourself up. You are worthy. It just takes time to heal.

Original poster
Lounew · 01/05/2021 10:33

Thank u so many positive messages our history is 25 years together with on off violence for from the start would include hitting me smashing stuff etc I would beg him to love me and last year he beat me I had him arrested for the sake of my 3 kids 2 are adult now he never came home after that as spent last year threatening me turning up drunk etc then sent me pics of him having self harmed . His kids refuse to see him but I can't let go and now this ow what is wrong why cant i shut the door

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/05/2021 10:36

Have you had any counselling OP? It sounds like it could be life changing for you Thanks

Original poster
Lounew · 01/05/2021 10:40

I am having it now and all I talk about is my ex my head seems to make me remember the good times I hurt so much

OP posts:
MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 01/05/2021 10:42

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

isthismylifenow · 01/05/2021 10:48

It does happen that after a break up we tend to remember the good stuff and quite a lot of the time block out the worst of it.

I think writing out everything he put you and your kids through here is a good thing. Then you can reread what you posted and can see how much better off you are now.

Yes it hurts when an ex moves on. But focus on yourself now instead. Look at how well you have moved on too. Sometimes we don't even know how well we have done until we look back.

💐

Original poster
Lounew · 01/05/2021 11:03

Thank u he was my first and only partner I met him at 15 so have nothing to compare to people tell me their is so many others out their but I just can't see it . How can he be so cruel

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 01/05/2021 12:41

He doesn't change behaviour .. he has changed partner.

Her life will mirror your experience given time. 🌸

Cloudfrost · 01/05/2021 16:57

You need to do the freedom programme and work on your self esteem. Don't settles for crumbs if affection from someone who has hurt. Build yourself back up and when you feel ready again, go out and meet someone new

Original poster
Lounew · 02/05/2021 07:58

I just want to say all thoe I still hurt and think I always will i feel better than yesterday the man is scum and I am well shot of him . My plan is to give all that love I've given him to myself and find the beautiful woman I know I am and then if I find another partner it will be to add to my life not complete it x

OP posts:
MrsAudreyShapiro · 02/05/2021 08:07

Flowers OP glad you are feeling better.

Original poster
Lounew · 02/05/2021 08:11

I don't think I have an option I start a new job soon I can't let him ruin that

OP posts: