Should we split up. Dating after divorce!

[WillIevergetthehangofthis]

I am in my mid forties, split up from my husband 3 years ago after 20 years. I have a 15 year old DS.

I have been seeing a guy for 20 months. He is lovely, very gentle, and adores me. It is a long distance relationship (120 miles) but we have spent the odd week together and weekends and speak most days. He has been very supportive through the recent death of my mum and the verbal abuse from my narcissistic ex.

He wants this to be forever and I thought I did, but the last couple of months have found myself getting irritated easily and questioning it all. When he last came to stay for a week, I was looking forward to him leaving (although I did have monster PMT). This weekend, I have a rare weekend to myself and couldn't be happier.

That said, he is a brilliant friend and I will miss him like crazy if he is no longer around. He is probably the kindest man I have ever met too.

I don't want to string him along, I don't want to break his heart or mine for that matter and I don't want to make a stupid mistake. It would be great if he was just always there but I only had to see him for a cuddle!

Any one else felt like this or have any advice? I don't really have much experience of healthy relationships as my ex was very possessive and I am a bit of a people pleaser I think.

I think you are getting to the 2 year stage which is when you know your partner and are no longer at the honeymoon stages..reality has hit.

Listen to your instincts. Perhaps he has helped you to heal but isn't long term for you. Not all relationships are meant to go the distance.

Even if it hurts to break up, it might be the right thing to do

Thanks @Fireflygal. My gut is saying he isn't 'the one' (so dramatic!). I'm reluctant to do anything I might regret. Wish I had a crystal ball to tell me if I was making the right decision. He knows I'm getting cold feet because he is after a lot of reassurance and telling me how much he loves me all the time, which is irritating me more. However, I am very aware of not wanting to hurt him as he is a nice guy and has done nothing wrong. Anyone got a magic wand?

I had a similar situation recently with my first post marriage relationship. 10 months in and I was getting irritated by him and choosing time apart when we could have seen each other. I wasn't totally sure but figured it wouldn't get any easier to break up as time went by. So I ended it. He just said thanks for being honest and that was it. No resistance! But that reflected our relationship tbh. I think if you're questioning it now, it won't get better... Not easy though

Yes, I think there is a part of me that wonders whether I will die alone apart from a growing collection of cats and never have excellent sex again! (that part of the relationship is pretty good, he is quite a nice guy to look at ).

But I also think that is the problem. I have never really been on my own and am perhaps a bit scared I won't cope or ever experience romance.

So the sex is good, you're attracted to him, he's kind. What are the negatives, what's annoying you? Have you made a pros and cons list? I had quite a few things in the cons list and ultimately decided my exboyf wasn't adding enough to my life to make the sacrifices of my child free time worth it!

I too worry about never really experiencing passionate love...but I'm not sure the movie and love song kind really exists I get lonely, but that's okay. And it's too easy to think a relationship is the solution when for me I know it hasn't been in the past. I want a cat!

I’m surprised in a way to hear the sex is good... the way you were talking it was sounding like it was more of a friendship and maybe you didn’t fancy him?
But he’s a good friend... there for you... and the sex is good? But you’re just not feeling it?

Yes, that's pretty much it. That's why I'm worried I'm being too picky.
Perhaps this is normal.
It's when I share anecdotes about my day, he doesn't quite 'get it' and I find myself getting annoyed with him.
Pros. Nice guy. Good sex. Committed. Kind. Loves me. Very supportive. Clever. Ambitious.
Cons. Different sense of humour. Irritating at times (eats with mouth open, doesn't like adventurous food...I'm a real foodie!... a little over powering with the 'I love you, you're my world' stuff), not many friends, a little immature.

It sounds so similar to what I found annoying! Does he add much to your life?

@Misty9 Yes, sounds like you may have experienced similar .

You know what another thing is, he is a little bit socially awkward and I am reluctant to introduce him to many of my friends. He has met a couple and they all like him (although don't adore him with a passion..more a sort of 'He is a such a nice man, as long as he makes you happy' etc).

I am loving this weekend on my own, which possibly isn't a good sign...but I am aware that things aren't normal in life at the moment. I have a new job, my mum died a few months ago, fairly bitter divorce going on, peri-menopause and of course lockdown, hence I don't feel able to trust my instincts which haven't always been reliable tbh!

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Just see if you can try and contact him a little less but still meet up when/if it suits you.

I don't know that you have to just completely cut it off, sounds more like you just need a bit of a break and maybe just want to alter it to a little bit less time spent together.

That would be ideal. Trouble is @Shelddd he wants to speak to me every day and messages me a lot to check I'm okay, chat etc. I have tried explaining I need a bit of space, but he worries I'm about to 'dump him' and needs reassurance. I can see his point of view, I have gone from very loving and completely in the game, to a bit more remote and irritated.
I realise no one has the answer, I'm just sounding off about the tangle going on in my mind.

Sounds like you're pulling away. That's ok - you weren't single long when you met him and you didn't have time to recover from your long and not healthy marriage. The first relationship after that is often one to cut your teeth on but not necessarily the one to stay in.

I think that's it @Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Is there a nice way to do this? I hate making anyone sad.

And just to clarify, I'm not a complete drip, just had enough sadness recently to last a lifetime!

@WillIevergetthehangofthis

That would be ideal. Trouble is *@Shelddd* he wants to speak to me every day and messages me a lot to check I'm okay, chat etc. I have tried explaining I need a bit of space, but he worries I'm about to 'dump him' and needs reassurance. I can see his point of view, I have gone from very loving and completely in the game, to a bit more remote and irritated. I realise no one has the answer, I'm just sounding off about the tangle going on in my mind.

I have the answer. Dump him now; once they start clinging on like a face hugger from Alien, get shot or you'll never get rid.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup Spat out my coffee .

Do you really think so? My Ex was very attentive and I'm worrying this might be me not able to establish boundaries...but he might also just be a nice guy who cares a lot about me.

When I did end it with my ex partner, one of the things he said was I'd been a bit hot and cold and that wasn't nice for him. If you feel like you're giving off that vibe then you know what you need to do. It's usually worse thinking about doing it than actually doing it! Think about him with someone else - does it bother you? We had a chat before I ended it and said we needed to inject more fun and do more stuff for ourselves. Then I just thought, well what's the point then?! Long distance makes it trickier as best to do face to face, but if it has to be phone call...?

Are you a bit of a people pleaser? After a relationship I met Ex, he was similar in being clingy and I couldn't find a good enough reason to end it. I really wish I had. Ultimately he wasn't a nice man but what I learned is that my "niceness", putting his feelings before mine was very unhealthy and I had to change. I have now been single a while but dating and it's been a big learning curve, mostly learning how to end relationships and trusting my instinct.

I think I missed a step in my youth as mostly had 1 date wonders or serious relationships. I tended to put others needs ahead of mine, if they were keener on me I felt I needed to make it work.

The purpose of dating is about getting to know someone and there isn't a time period where once it's passed you have to stay.

I have just ended a shorter relationship because I felt it wasn't right and like you I wasn't keen on spending my child free time with him. I worried about it but it was completely fine and he was glad I was honest. There are always other men, he isn't your only chance. I love my child free time and will date but hopefully with someone who has similar relationship needs to me.

Have fun being single and don't settle for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

He sounds like a lovely guy just not for you. I’d let him down as kindly as possible to give him the opportunity to meet somebody who really appreciates him x

[quote WillIevergetthehangofthis]@NeverDropYourMoonCup Spat out my coffee .

Do you really think so? My Ex was very attentive and I'm worrying this might be me not able to establish boundaries...but he might also just be a nice guy who cares a lot about me.[/quote]
Yes, absolutely I do.

The last thing you need is A Nice Guy because once they've managed to make you feel like you're kicking a puppy any time you want to put your needs/feelings/opinions ahead of them, they use it in exactly the same way a common or garden abuser uses fear and rejection to make themselves the only person who matters.

If you allow him to force you to override your own boundaries because he'll get all upset about you not loving him as much as he loves you, there's a very good chance that one day he'll turn up at your doorstep with his worldly goods stuffed in the car, declaring that because he loves you so much, he's jacked in his job, gave notice on his flat a month ago and now has nowhere else to go.

In other words, coercion through him creating a fear of hurting him in the feels.

In my experience, it goes along with subsequent accusations of cheating, big dramas the moment you're intending to go out without him, a lot of suspicion about you using your phone or laptop 'you're having an affair, aren't you?', 'can't we just stay in together and have a romantic evening?', a little drip-drip-drip of hints that your DS should move out and all the bollocks inherent with somebody who actually wants to control you. It's ninja narcissism - you don't realise it's so malevolent until you're being told you can't be trusted to go and buy milk because you're clearly going to have a quick bunkup against the ambient goods aisle in the process because you've brushed your hair today.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup That sounds more like my Ex, but I get where you're coming from.

@Sunflower1970 Yes, I think he is and I hope someone else does appreciate him one day.

@Fireflygal I am definitely a people pleaser. I never want to put anyone out. I nearly became a vegan because someone I once stayed with mistakenly thought I was (long story!) and tailored all my food to suit and I didn't have the heart to tell her and kept up the charade!

@Misty9 I think it will have to be a phone call. He catches the train up and it's expensive and a long way back if he's upset. May have to do it in (substantial) increments, I'm not a 'rip the plaster' off person.

As far as future relationships go, I think I need to learn to be by myself for a while first. I think I've always been with someone and although it is nice to be wanted, it isn't always healthy.

I think ripping the plaster off might be kinder in this instance though, hard as it is. I definitely agree that it's a good skill to nurture, to be alone and at peace with yourself. I realised that all my relationships have been ended by me, and all started with me having doubts but not wanting to hurt feelings... I'm learning to trust my gut. Saying all that, I've been single for nearly a month and have just dipped my toe back into online dating 🙈

Good luck @Misty9. If nothing else, have fun.

@Misty9

I think ripping the plaster off might be kinder in this instance though, hard as it is. I definitely agree that it's a good skill to nurture, to be alone and at peace with yourself. I realised that all my relationships have been ended by me, and all started with me having doubts but not wanting to hurt feelings... I'm learning to trust my gut. Saying all that, I've been single for nearly a month and have just dipped my toe back into online dating 🙈

Yes. Do it in one to avoid the tearstained little face on your doorstep when it's too late to catch the return service 'We need to talk/I'm worried about you/We need Closure/Can't I stay here? Oh, I'll just go and sleep on a bench somewhere, I don't want to put you out anymore [sniff]'.

@WillIevergetthehangofthis did you get any further with your thinking? Hope you're enjoying your solo weekend