Should we split up. Dating after divorce!

[WillIevergetthehangofthis]

I am in my mid forties, split up from my husband 3 years ago after 20 years. I have a 15 year old DS.

I have been seeing a guy for 20 months. He is lovely, very gentle, and adores me. It is a long distance relationship (120 miles) but we have spent the odd week together and weekends and speak most days. He has been very supportive through the recent death of my mum and the verbal abuse from my narcissistic ex.

He wants this to be forever and I thought I did, but the last couple of months have found myself getting irritated easily and questioning it all. When he last came to stay for a week, I was looking forward to him leaving (although I did have monster PMT). This weekend, I have a rare weekend to myself and couldn't be happier.

That said, he is a brilliant friend and I will miss him like crazy if he is no longer around. He is probably the kindest man I have ever met too.

I don't want to string him along, I don't want to break his heart or mine for that matter and I don't want to make a stupid mistake. It would be great if he was just always there but I only had to see him for a cuddle!

Any one else felt like this or have any advice? I don't really have much experience of healthy relationships as my ex was very possessive and I am a bit of a people pleaser I think.

@Misty9. I did enjoy my solo weekend I have got a bit further but not quite as far as I could be. Had a chat to a friend who said I did seem very up and down about it all and to maybe just wait and see how it all plays out.

So I told him I needed a bit of time off it all to sort myself out, which he was okay-ish about (never a good thing to hear, so obviously not delighted!). Cut the contact down a bit and hoping I'll get a bit of clarity on my feelings. It's a long distance relationship anyway, so can take a few weeks if necessary. I really don't want to mess him (or myself) around.

Like I said, a little further forward, but not really all that much!

Do you think this may be self sabotage? In that, he’s almost too nice abs as you’ve spent the last 20 years with someone rather narcissistic and not like that, that it feels somehow ‘wrong’?

Of course, neediness is never very attractive and his constantly seeking reassurance is bound to be a bit of a turn off.
Also, you didn’t have much time between marriage and this relationship, so perhaps you just need some time for you and not to always have to be considerate of someone else.

I wouldn’t end the relationship, but perhaps make sure you have time for yourself too and just let it pan out for now. I think you may regret a hasty decision. Good luck.

He sounds a little bit like my exh - in his case the annoying parts did not improve over time. Annoyance is really not good.

You're in your 40s, presumably not wanting children any more, so theoretically you could now date someone for ten or twenty years if it took that long to work out whether you wanted to settle down with them! Or you could never move in with them, and just date forever, if you so desired. A wonderful luxury that I'm enjoying myself.

The only reason you're feeling forced to commit is because of the 120 miles, which mean you'd need to move closer to be more serious.

Let this guy find someone more his type to latch onto, and next time find someone more local.

He sounds smothering. Also - he eats with his mouth open? He wouldn't have lasted one date with me (not envy )

@WilsonMilson That's what worries me.
@ravenmum It would be a lot easier if he was nearer. Every meeting has to involve at least one overnight stay , so never the chance for a quick drink etc. It's very all or nothing and I don't want him to move nearer for 'nothing'.
@OrchestraOfWankery Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

How did you get on OP? Experiencing something similar here. Hope its worked out for you