How do you move on when you've had no closure

[Howtomoveon21]

My partner of 2 years decided he was going to move back to his house as he wants to renovate it and not let it out anymore. We've had some problems but he was always just going to move out at the end of March and we'd still carry on in a relationship. Whether that was his intention or not I don't know.

Mid March he moved some more stuff out and stayed the night at his house after visiting his mother, and then he basically didn't come back. The night he spent at his house just affirmed that he wanted to live alone or at least not with me, and he didn't want to continue with our relationship. He came over two days later,and surprised me with a break up. I say surprise, I wasn't really but was upset obviously.

I've tried to get over it during the past 6 weeks but I'm really struggling and would appreciate some advice.

We don't have children together but we have a dog. Previously he showed no interest in taking the dog but he wants him at weekends. Full disclosure he paid paid the purchase price of the dog but I did all the rearing and day to day care as I work from home. Dog still lives with me.

Whilst it's not my business what he now does in his spare time, he started dating very quickly and took the dog on a date. I can't let go of the fact that it's our dog and two weeks after leaving he was taking him out with another woman. Which I think is a silly way to think but I can't seem to change my way of thinking. I tried to cut complete contact but he wouldn't let me, he threatened to take the dog to his mums (she hates me) which triggered a really bad episode for me.

He simply has moved on, has a new girlfriend, we're not on good terms because I've just been abandoned and I feel such rage that he's just moved on from day 1.

He agreed to let me have a month of no communication meaning he doesn't see the dog and he hopes that after a month I'll be able to tolerate him picking the dog up. But I know I won't....I know I will be bitter that I do all the grunt work, he takes dog off for a jolly weekend with his new girlfriend. It's that constant reminder.

Any advice on how I can stop being a muppet?I'm disappointed in myself

I bet he had been planning the break up for a long time whereas you have been blindsided with no time to process your feelings. No wonder you are feeling angry with him. As women we are always being told to "play nice". It's okay not to feel ready to "move on" to want to rant and rage and not see him. He's a vile coward sneakily setting up retreating from the relationship and setting himself up with a new GF.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this OP.

It is still very early days and will take some time before you even start to get over him.

For whatever reason (I suspect that he met someone else but didn’t have the balls to tell you) he has made the decision to move out & start a relationship with someone new. Whilst you have no control over his actions, you do over your life and how you respond.

Message him and tell him that you are keeping the dog (if you can afford to pay him the purchase price do) and he is no longer seeing it or taking it for walks. Explain that he’s made his decision and you are moving on with your life. Then block him. Change your locks too. If he wants the dog he can take you to court. Don’t allow him to keep a foothold in your life.

Hold on to the fact that things will get better.

@Wanderlusto

I think op is referring to not being able to move on from this relationship while having to see her ex and have ongoing interactions with him over the dog. She feels she has no closure ie, not able to close this chapter. She needs to have nothing to do with ex in order to have closure. That's how I read it anyway. Seems others have also, as they're advising her to either keep the dog or hand him over to ex for good and cut offall contact with ex.

[quote Fortunefavours1]@Wanderlusto

I think op is referring to not being able to move on from this relationship while having to see her ex and have ongoing interactions with him over the dog. She feels she has no closure ie, not able to close this chapter. She needs to have nothing to do with ex in order to have closure. That's how I read it anyway. Seems others have also, as they're advising her to either keep the dog or hand him over to ex for good and cut offall contact with ex.[/quote]
Yes that’s exactly what I was trying to say.

It’s not that I don’t have closure in the relationship being over, it’s the whole fucking shebang and mess that’s following.

Re ownership - I paid for the dog, as in I made the physical payment via bank transfer to the breeder. He transfered me the money over a couple of days, do you think that would matter if it came down to it?

Thank you all, you’ve given me strength. Going to have a think and read again what you’ve all said

If he paid you money for the dog and you want to keep the dog then transfer the money back.

Although you made the payment to the breeder very obviously he gave you the money for the dog. I really don't understand what you are asking here. Transfer the money for the dog back to him and cut all contact. If you can't afford to transfer the money to him just don't mention who paid for it and tell him you're not going to share the dog with him. I bet he won't do anything about it although he may demand the money from you. Change the locks whether you think he has keys or not. If the vets have him as a contact on their records, get him taken off.

If he's really persistent he may well take you to the small claims court. Worst case scenario, you are ordered to pay him back and you can do that in stages via the court if necessary.

Sorry I meant if he took me to court for the full amount before I am able to pay him back (I will need to do it in stages). I’d really not like to get a CCJ

You only get a CCJ if you don't pay anything back. If you have paid him something towards the cost of the dog he can't claim for the whole amount and as long as you tell him what you're going to pay and when and stick to it, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. If you want to get him out of your hair quicker, use a credit card for things you'd usually pay by debit card or bank transfer and send him the money by bank transfer.

This might not be the most popular response but if it’s a zero communication policy that will make this easier for you then perhaps let him have the dog? I know it’s easier said than done but I’m just thinking of your long term mental health, it will help you heal x

I've split up with my nearly 2 year chap - though we did have a gap prior to covid and probably only got back together because of covid, and because of my dog. We spent lots of time over last summer going as long walks with my dog, who is always super enthusiastic to see him ( probably knows it's going to be a long one somewhere different than usual run when he's around). So I took my dog for a long walk over the Moors last week and initially my dog kept looking around for him, felt a bit sad and frustrated about that, but he got used to it being just me, as I did with him.
I'm sure my ex will be missing my dog, but who cares, that's his loss for being a disappointment in the he end, his choice. I'm no contact, my dog could live another 11 years or so, no way would I be tied to an ex that long, even if they did pay for it initially.
Dogs latch on, they know that their primary person is the one who feeds and walks them the most, and in this case that is clearly you. So I'd say, go along with the month off, then make it permanent if you want, he'd get laughed out of court, but just in case, keep the text where you offered to pay him back. That's your problem solved

Just refuse to keep handing the dog over. He's moved on with a new girlfriend, he soon lose interest in this petty nonsense.

What a dick. Can't he accept that since he has left you you need to heal and not see him? Why can't he get his own dog? If I had split up with somebody and met someone new I would want to move on. He sounds odd.

The dog is not a child you don't need to grant him access, he can get another one if he wants but I expect he just wants the jollies of walking one while on dates then back to you to feed and pay for it.
The best way to get over him is to stop him coming round, get yourself on some dating apps too.

Theres probably texts saying otherwise but just argue the dog was a gift. You paid the breeder, he transferred you the money but afterwards, and the dog is chipped and insured in your name.

Sounds like he is using the dog to rub the new gf in your face tbh. Let him take you to court. He'll have to do mediation before he ever gets in front of a judge though, and it's a pretty long process. Gf might not even be around by the time he gets a court date and I bet he wont bother with the dog once shes gone

He’s not interested in the dog, otherwise he would have kept it when he had it. He’s only using it to control and upset you, and it’s working. I’d just cut contact op. In the unlikely event that he takes you to court, you can just say he bought you the dog as a gift. Looking at the evidence, the dog is chipped etc in your name, you’ve raised and trained it, and it’s basically living with you full time. No way will a court side with him

He won't take you to court

Tell him to fuck off!

Ok perhaps word it slightly differently:

I no longer wish for you to have access to my dog, please therefore cease all communication regarding this.
Goodbye
You cunt
PS Fido hates you
PPS so do I
PPPS you were shit in bed

Or something like that

He’s on a power trip. His options are; he takes the dog or you pay him for the dog. If he doesn’t take the dog back within 7 days the dog stays with you and he is free to recover the amount in the small claims court. Make sure that all communication with him is written, so that he doesn’t act like you are the unreasonable one.

Detach, detach, detach!

Don’t play this twats game, you are well rid.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor 🤣🤣🤣 thanks for cheering up a shit day

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

He won't take you to court

Tell him to fuck off!

Ok perhaps word it slightly differently:

I no longer wish for you to have access to my dog, please therefore cease all communication regarding this.
Goodbye
You cunt
PS Fido hates you
PPS so do I
PPPS you were shit in bed

Or something like that

😂😂😂😂😂

I wouldn't worry about getting a ccj, I'd bet anything it will never come to that... He's confrontation avoidant - look at how he maneuvered himself to the end of the relationship, pretending one thing when it was really another, and now he's playing dog daddy to impress a new female (poor woman has all this crap ahead of her) - no way does that say 'guy with enough backbone to take you to court over a dog case custody he has slim chance of winning). Personally at this stage, I'd just tell him flat out no, it's shit stirring and cruel to expect to be in contact every weekend ( 😱😱😱 ) after ending things, so no dog, and you've already done the right thing and offered him the money which he's declined, so he'd better start being respectful, and he can bring that one up again if he wants to change his mind about it.

Hi op, sorry you are in this situation.
He is probably using the dog to impress the girlfriend at the weekend, then you can do the hard work. You may want to change and have the dog at the weekend and he can do the hard work during the week. Either way, the dog is a reminder of him which is not good when you’re trying to move on.

As another pp suggested, get yourself another dog and let him have this one. Or tell him he can have it all together as you don’t want anything to do with him(ex). He may decide he doesn’t want it after all. You are then free to decide whether you can get a new dog for yourself.

Your ex ended things in his terms, he knew exactly what he was doing, so moved out then came back for a breakup. I would not let him control your life anymore, as much as you love the dog.

As much as you are hurting, it is vital that you act composed and not oppose to much resistance. If it comes to it, he will use your pain and frustration to make look like a mad person in court. Just ask yourself, is it all worth it?