Peri menopause & relationships

[lucy5236]

Maybe a bit of a personal question but for those going through/been through peri menopause how did it effect your relationship?

I'm not there yet but 2 of my friends were chatting about 'the rage' and mood swings earlier and how much they feel like they hate their husbands. They're actually in pretty happy marriages. So now I'm worried about if my relationship will survive.

Been together as a couple for 3 years and it can be a bit up & down (various reasons).

Have you found it as bad as I've heard and am now fearing??

I didn't have any mood swings during perimenopause. It's definitely a thing for some women but it's not inevitable. My symptoms were mainly physical, plus a fair amount of brain fog, but I never experienced 'the rage'.

So far I'm going through the perimenopause and no symptoms at all yet. I exercise and eat well and take vitamins

Thanks both! Good to know it's not inevitable 🤞🏼

Not mood swings and I don't hate DH but yes, being peri menopausal has definitely affected our relationship. There's a Caitlin Moran piece about how declining oestrogen means we lose the urge to care for others and start thinking about ourselves again and I think there's probably something in that idea, for me at least.

It's caused issues in that DH has had to adjust to changes he didn't expect or understand and he has looked at me like I've grown a second head at times. We've butted heads about me wanting to reduce the amount I do for (adult) DC and wider family and it's taken a while for him to accept that I have a right to set my own boundaries and reclaim my life a bit after years devoted to DC and family life. He gets it now and I think just didn't understand why I wanted to change things to begin with but I do feel like I've had to fight for my right to a bit of freedom.

That's interesting @Weirdfan

It makes sense though and good on you for reclaiming a bit of your own life!!

I was always very quiet and wouldn't fight with dh to take his turn dealing with dcs. We both work fulltime. However, in the last year or two I have got frighteningly assertive. I state when I can't deal with dcs, e.g. going to the office etc. I don't feel a bit stressed with arguments. I just tell dh or dcs to stop shouting. When I have said something that soneone thinks is brazen (e.g. in public and when someone stares at me,) I stare back and raise my eyebrows.

I get a bit more tired, find it harder to keep weight down. I seem to demand a lot of respect from people and will stare or say something if I sense anyone is making a laugh of me. When I met an inlaw on the street pre covid, she asked me if I am dossing/out of work idling. I work fulltime and she does 2 days. I just stared at her and said I can't understand, why are you saying that. If it was 5 years ago I would have started explaining about work flexitime and signing out.

When I said something small at work and two colleagues looked and smirked, I said 'It is all a big laugh'. I ignored them since when out on the street at lunchtime, and am civil at work, no more. Previously, I would want to keep on the right side of everyone in case I feel uncomfortable. However in more recent years I don't care anymore and don't feel one bit uncomfortable facing people who I have called out for disrespect. I won't start a fight but I will not put up with anyone making a joke of me.

I am definitely in the 'constantly irritated with husband' camp, experiencing mood swings and tearfulness, despite exercise, diet and awareness this is hormonal change. Re-evaluating a lot of my choices and wishing I hadn't been so accommodating in my younger years.

Regret isn't healthy I know but it's hard not to feel resentful sometimes.

The Caitlin Moran article resonated very strongly with me!

I'm permanently pissed off. Raging. No patience.
DH and I went through a rough patch when it first started. I've been in Peri for about 5 years now. Still angry a lot but I am better at staying calm and not losing my shit over the smallest thing now. I walk away if I feel myself seeing red.

Sorry. Pressed send too soon!

I also get upset a lot but DH and I have discussed it regularly and he's on my side and completely supportive.
I can't take HRT for Cancer history so we're just riding it out.
He's patient and loving and I'm just trying really hard not to be a total moody cow all the time

@user1471554720

I was always very quiet and wouldn't fight with dh to take his turn dealing with dcs. We both work fulltime. However, in the last year or two I have got frighteningly assertive. I state when I can't deal with dcs, e.g. going to the office etc. I don't feel a bit stressed with arguments. I just tell dh or dcs to stop shouting. When I have said something that soneone thinks is brazen (e.g. in public and when someone stares at me,) I stare back and raise my eyebrows.

I get a bit more tired, find it harder to keep weight down. I seem to demand a lot of respect from people and will stare or say something if I sense anyone is making a laugh of me. When I met an inlaw on the street pre covid, she asked me if I am dossing/out of work idling. I work fulltime and she does 2 days. I just stared at her and said I can't understand, why are you saying that. If it was 5 years ago I would have started explaining about work flexitime and signing out.

When I said something small at work and two colleagues looked and smirked, I said 'It is all a big laugh'. I ignored them since when out on the street at lunchtime, and am civil at work, no more. Previously, I would want to keep on the right side of everyone in case I feel uncomfortable. However in more recent years I don't care anymore and don't feel one bit uncomfortable facing people who I have called out for disrespect. I won't start a fight but I will not put up with anyone making a joke of me.

This has summed me up. Not sure its 'the rage' but I seriously tolerate zero shit now, whereas before I would always have just kept quiet for fear of looking controversial or not being liked. Any sign of disrespect and I'm straight on it, voicing my disgust and opinion and I no longer care what people think of that

I have so much rage for about 3 days a month I think I could actually walk out and have to check myself and the date and how close it is to my period. It's like having an out of body experience as once it passes, it's like I remember who I am, wake up feeling fine again! I've gone back on the pill to try and balance out my moods. So far it is helping but not enough.

I agree with those saying they don't care as much about pleasing people now. I give fewer and fewer fecks about what people think about.me and its absolutely bloody brilliant. It was a bit of a shock at first, and the swoosh of other emotions like sudden sadness was unnerving, but once I realised it was just emotions and didn't worry about them it was fine.

So freeing!

I'm enjoying that side of it too Notagain20, genuinely not caring what others think of me has been a revelation and I can see now what a waste of time giving a shit actually is! I'm trying really hard to instill the idea in DD much earlier so she can enjoy it for longer but don't know if that's possible while she's young and full of oestrogen

Brilliant @Weirdfan, I really hope she picks up on her kick ass mum's liberation!

It's a bit like pmt with me. No real mood swings although one day I love him and the next I want to stick pins in his eyes 🙁

I got into menopause when I was 47, at 50 I decided to divorce my husband. That was last year. We are still together but I hope not for long. I had no idea that peri menopause affects your caring ability, and to be honest with you I still care for my DCs and my friends and relatives. I simply thought that I finally got wiser and decided not to take anybody's BS any more especially my DH.

I'm still very caring and I work happily in a caring profession. Peri hasn't affected my ability to care,just my willingness to put up with crap. It has increased my authenticity and my desire to care for myself.

Most of this is just getting older. I started to give zero shits when I was 40 and now I'm 51 my tolerance of nonsense is non existent. It is fuck all to do with hormones however.

Getting older is ace

I went on HRT as soon as I started experiencing symptoms - there are no prizes for suffering for years through peri/menopause.

Better sleep, less anxiety/depression, excellent sex drive - feel years younger. Thoroughly recommend reading up on this or another similar site for info. I booked in to see Dr Harper for an initial private consultation and have since transferred over to my GP who prescribes bio-identical hormones.

I do have mood swings but they only tend to last a day at most, so as long as I hold my tongue for the day and don't rip my dh's head off for no reason, I know I'll be ok the following day.

Menopace Max has broken my cycle of wanting to pack my bags every bother month when everything just got too much. Red clover alone wasn't enough It was a huge help. I read somewhere that no major decisions should be made during the peri and menopause years.

@Notagain20

I agree with those saying they don't care as much about pleasing people now. I give fewer and fewer fecks about what people think about.me and its absolutely bloody brilliant. It was a bit of a shock at first, and the swoosh of other emotions like sudden sadness was unnerving, but once I realised it was just emotions and didn't worry about them it was fine.

So freeing!

Oh shit! I already don't give a shit about what people think of me....I'm going to be a nightmare!

You've got a head start, you're going to be MAGNIFICENT!

I’m 61 and well through it all.
I was fortunate and didn’t suffer too badly - no rage, mood swings, hot sweats etc - so it didn’t really affect DH or our relationship.
The main symptoms I had were loss of confidence (eg stuttering and stumbling on the phone at work) and brain fog (that was dreadful, I used to stare at my PC in the office unable to figure out what to do next). I did suffer some not too discreet sniggering and whispering between colleagues who, being either young or male, didn’t realise what I was going through and presumably just thought I was stupid.