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Original poster

What have I done to upset my friend? Ghosted?

35 replies

nickki92 · 28/04/2021 17:27

When I was at uni I met a friend, lets call her Emma. We we really close and spent loads of time together and she even helped me plan my wedding.
She attended my wedding, then I moved abroad for a couple of years. Before moving abroad I had a meal with close friends, she came along to that. She gave me a lift home afterwards and said "I'll email you soon..". Those were her parting words to me. That was about 10 years ago. Had no emails or contact from her whilst I was abroad, except when she answered my occasional messages sent at Christmas or New Year .
I returned to the UK after my 2 years abroad and messaged her (as well as everyone else) letting her know my new phone number and address. She replied to the message
"Hi Nikki, good to hear from you.. I'm now living in London with my husband and daughter..". I was speechless, Emma was single last time I saw her, so to her about these developments in the message was surprising.
She said "When I'm next in Leeds, we'll meet up".. That was 10 years ago!
Meanwhile, I've looked her up on Social Media and she's actually living back in Leeds, even showed where she works.
Desperate to hear from Emma and know if she's ok, I called the place were she works, asking to speak with her. She wasn't available but they confirmed she still works there.
Why has she disappeared on me? I feel really hurt that she didn't maintain much contact when I was away (except when I initiated the Merry Christmas kind of texts), then she's moved back to Leeds but didn't even let me know. We didn't fall out or anything so I just find it weird.

OP posts:

daretodenim · 28/04/2021 17:32

When you went abroad, how did you try to maintain contact? When you didn't get that email from her, did you email to see how she was?

I've done international moves so I get that they're much more stressful than in country ones, all things considered, but it seems like you didn't contact her until you were back? So that's two years?

The bottom line is that she's not interested in reaching out to you and it's been that way for 10 years. Don't call her work again, that's kind of inappropriate. If you want to give it one more try, perhaps email and say you'd like to meet up if she has time. And then leave it at that. She knows how to contact you.

MyGorramShip · 28/04/2021 17:32

You don’t seem to have made much effort with her.

You grew apart.

It’s really that simple.

MyGorramShip · 28/04/2021 17:33

God I missed the part about calling her work That is weird behaviour OP, don’t do it again!

DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 17:34

You rang her work ? That’s not ok.
Stop stalking her.

NerrSnerr · 28/04/2021 17:35

You grew apart. That often happens in your 20s as life changes so quick. It is really odd that you called her at work- I'd keep my distance if an old friend did that instead of trying to connect on social media.

TaraR2020 · 28/04/2021 17:36

Friendships do change when people move abroad, it's inevitable that not all of them will survive. Some people just aren't bothered with the effort at keeping in touch when big life changes happen, it's not necessarily anything to do with you tbh.

Of course, the alternate explanation is that she 'just wasn't that into you' and was ready to let the friendship go when you left. There could be any number of reasons, maybe you'd done something specific, maybe she just found you annoying...maybe she was jealous, or simply felt that you didn't have much in common.

I know it's hurtful, there's nothing quite like the pain of a close friend who ends things, even if you've seen it coming. But it's time to let it go. She has not been your friend for a long time now, grieve and move on.

Pumperthepumper · 28/04/2021 17:36

You went abroad for two years, she met someone and got married and had a kid - she was busy. And after two years she had a completely different life to before you left, so she was probably busy again. That’s it.

Phoning her work is really, really odd. Don’t do it now but why didn’t you just message her on social
media?

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/04/2021 17:36

Is there a reason it’s on your mind so much now, after 10 years?

I understand it is upsetting to lose a close friend, but I think it happens a lot - I’m 42 and can think of countless close friendships I’ve had over the years that have just drifted....... No fault on either side.

That said, I’ve also reconnected with a number of friends, several years later. In fact, the majority of my closest friends now, we’ve had years of no contact at some point in our lives, then got back in touch as circumstances changed and realised we still hit it off.....

All you can do tho is friend request her on social media and see if she accepts, and if she does send her a message. I wouldn’t contact her work again tho - that’s a bit intense.....

bobblyboob · 28/04/2021 17:37

Did you give your name when you called her work?!?

ImInStealthMode · 28/04/2021 17:38

You rang her work?!?

I'm sorry you miss your friend OP but that's overstepping! I occasionally get messages or Facebook friend requests from people I've lost touch with over the years but I'd be appalled if someone called my work looking for me and it would likely result in a block.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/04/2021 17:38

I wouldn't say she ghosted you, as she replied to your messages. She just didn't bother staying in contact when you moved away, and she isn't interested in picking the friendship up again now.

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I would just let this one go now, tbh. Definitely don't be calling her at work to check up on her.

Sammiesnake · 28/04/2021 17:51

It doesn’t sound as though you’ve made any effort to stay in touch and now ten years later you’ve phoned her work

sonjadog · 28/04/2021 18:07

I have moved a lot in my life. Some people stay in touch and some don't. Some people aren't great letter writers and some people are more interested in focusing on those who are nearby. It's just the way it is.

Phoning her work was really weird.

Tal45 · 28/04/2021 18:51

You've hardly had any contact in 10 years and you called her work?? That is very strange behaviour - perhaps that sort of behaviour is why she ghosted you? Or perhaps she just moved on from the friendship.

Howshouldibehave · 28/04/2021 18:54

I can’t believe you called her workplace! I wonder if the fact you do things like that has something to do with her withdrawing from the friendship...

Skyla2005 · 28/04/2021 19:03

It doesn't matter what happened but you need to accept she doesn't want contact. If she did she would have reached out. She's moved on with her life and probably got new friends who have children. Please accept it and don't call her work that isn't ok atall

therocinante · 28/04/2021 19:04

None of us are really going to know, OP. It sounds sad for you but the only way you'll find out is asking her and she doesn't seem to want to talk for whatever reason.

Maybe you drifted apart. Maybe you're a bit much for her (ringing her work is a lot?!). Maybe she's changed as a person, or you did. Maybe she struggles keeping in touch with people. Maybe she had MH troubles and found it hard to stay in contact with people. Maybe she's lazy, or you upset her in a way you didn't realise, or or or... There are so many possibilities.

Chalk it up to a sad event and move on, you'll be happier for it.

CarmelBeach · 28/04/2021 19:06

@Skyla2005

I agree with this

One time I was upset about a friend vansihing, DH said to me "her needs are met". At the time I was upset but I get it now.

But never ring someone at work, that's not okay.

Rover83 · 28/04/2021 19:13

Maybe she feels your lives became totally different when she got married and had a kid

Maybe she got a bit busy in the 2 years you were away since she had a kid and got married.

Maybe she just didn't miss you much and didn't want to stay in touch, she found other friends near by who were easier to stay in contact with

Making plans without actually making plans is a clear way of letting someone know you aren't actually interested. Otherwise she would have made a specific plan with you. People move on and friendships change especially in your 20's and 30's when a lot of big life events can happen

If you wanted to stay in touch you should have offered to go and visit her since she had a young child

It is unbelievably weird to randomly call her work place after 10 years of not talking to her!

sherbetlemondrop · 28/04/2021 19:30

Thanks for all the replies, good to hear different thoughts on this.
I did originally message her on social media but the message was never opened or read (guess it filtered into a spam folder of some kind), no option to "add" her as a friend otherwise I would have tried that.
I only decided to call her work as I was getting so desperate to know if she's ok and what happened. It was in the run up to a milestone birthday so I kind of wanted to surprise her, although to most people that idea might sound crazy. We used to arrange fun surprises for each other, so I just had the idea of contacting her like that.
The old email address I had for her isn't working any more (and wasn't 10 years ago), got an error message.
We were always so open and straight with each other and I feel she would have told me if I'd ever upset her or she didn't want to continue being friends for whatever reason. Makes me really sad I've never even met her daughter.

Pumperthepumper · 28/04/2021 19:36

@sherbetlemondrop

Thanks for all the replies, good to hear different thoughts on this. I did originally message her on social media but the message was never opened or read (guess it filtered into a spam folder of some kind), no option to "add" her as a friend otherwise I would have tried that. I only decided to call her work as I was getting so desperate to know if she's ok and what happened. It was in the run up to a milestone birthday so I kind of wanted to surprise her, although to most people that idea might sound crazy. We used to arrange fun surprises for each other, so I just had the idea of contacting her like that. The old email address I had for her isn't working any more (and wasn't 10 years ago), got an error message. We were always so open and straight with each other and I feel she would have told me if I'd ever upset her or she didn't want to continue being friends for whatever reason. Makes me really sad I've never even met her daughter.

I mean this kindly, honestly, but if it’s been twelve years since you last saw her, I think you’re doing a fair bit of projection here. That must be a good chunk of your adult life with no contact from her at all. You’re practically strangers again if you know nothing about each other’s lives or families. I think you need to think about why this is so important to you now. And again, and I’m sorry to be harsh, if she wanted to get in contact she could have emailed you, or added you before she locked her account. It’s time to move on.

CarmelBeach · 28/04/2021 21:09

@sherbetlemondrop

Thanks for all the replies, good to hear different thoughts on this. I did originally message her on social media but the message was never opened or read (guess it filtered into a spam folder of some kind), no option to "add" her as a friend otherwise I would have tried that. I only decided to call her work as I was getting so desperate to know if she's ok and what happened. It was in the run up to a milestone birthday so I kind of wanted to surprise her, although to most people that idea might sound crazy. We used to arrange fun surprises for each other, so I just had the idea of contacting her like that. The old email address I had for her isn't working any more (and wasn't 10 years ago), got an error message. We were always so open and straight with each other and I feel she would have told me if I'd ever upset her or she didn't want to continue being friends for whatever reason. Makes me really sad I've never even met her daughter.

Are you maybe projecting about something, or thinking about that time of your life for a particular reason?

It seems quite OTT and you persisted in spite of obvious roadblocks saying "contact not wanted".

I went to a work party about a month after leaving and the person I thought I'd been closest with had forgotten my name. It happens.

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/04/2021 22:38

This doesn’t make loads of sense OP (and I don’t mean this unkindly, not at all). Has something triggered your desire to get back in touch with her now? So passionately, I mean. Your feelings about it sound very strong.

One of my friends (my oldest friend - he and I were friends from about the age of two, if that’s possible) lost touch for years (he wasn’t at either of my weddings. Eventually I added him on social media and we got back in touch. He supported me massively (all remote) through my marriage break-up. When we finally met (a year or so after that) he did speak to me about the pain my absence from his life had caused him (and there is no sexual/romantic connection on either side by the way. That would feel like incest, to both of us. We grew up together).

So I sort of get it. He nursed a long sorrow at my absence for a long time. I guess this is how you feel about your friend, OP.

But still, something must be triggering this now. For you to be posting on line about it. What has happened? (If you want to tell us - you are not obliged.....)

CartTriesToDriveTheHorse · 28/04/2021 22:59

I think you need to understand that people and friendships change, it doesn’t mean anyone did something wrong. It’s just life. Be happy that your old friend has a fulfilling life.

MimiDaisy11 · 28/04/2021 23:45

I find it harder to stay in contact with people online. It's much easier when you regularly see each other. People just grow apart. She's got a new life with husband and child which take up a lot of her time.

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