What have I done to upset my friend? Ghosted?

[nickki92]

When I was at uni I met a friend, lets call her Emma. We we really close and spent loads of time together and she even helped me plan my wedding.
She attended my wedding, then I moved abroad for a couple of years. Before moving abroad I had a meal with close friends, she came along to that. She gave me a lift home afterwards and said "I'll email you soon..". Those were her parting words to me. That was about 10 years ago. Had no emails or contact from her whilst I was abroad, except when she answered my occasional messages sent at Christmas or New Year .
I returned to the UK after my 2 years abroad and messaged her (as well as everyone else) letting her know my new phone number and address. She replied to the message
"Hi Nikki, good to hear from you.. I'm now living in London with my husband and daughter..". I was speechless, Emma was single last time I saw her, so to her about these developments in the message was surprising.
She said "When I'm next in Leeds, we'll meet up".. That was 10 years ago!
Meanwhile, I've looked her up on Social Media and she's actually living back in Leeds, even showed where she works.
Desperate to hear from Emma and know if she's ok, I called the place were she works, asking to speak with her. She wasn't available but they confirmed she still works there.
Why has she disappeared on me? I feel really hurt that she didn't maintain much contact when I was away (except when I initiated the Merry Christmas kind of texts), then she's moved back to Leeds but didn't even let me know. We didn't fall out or anything so I just find it weird.

I had some friends during a really traumatic time in my life, some of them were not aware of what I was going through, some did vaguely but not the extent. I ended up ghosting them as how could I explain to someone, oh I don't want to talk to you anymore because it just brings back traumatic memories from that period in my life every time and I can't break that association. I was really young and going through so much so couldn't see any other way out at the time. I don't really have social media, but recently I logged into my Steam account (for playing PC games) and one of these friends from that time has recently tried to add me as a friend and reach out to me. It's like they want answers or an explanation and sought me out in any way they could for that. I don't know how they found my steam as my name isn't on there. I find it really awkward and upsetting.

It's likely you and your friend simply lost touch, it's usually what happens when you're young, especially with you moving far away. But she could have her reasons, you really don't know. Please do not call her workplace, if that happened to me it would send me into a state of panic.

If I'm reading this right, it sounds like its been 20 years since you last met? 10 years abroad, then 10 years here? Move on OP and don't call her work, she could call the police on you for that.

You sound like you are stalking her! That would really put me off replying and I would block you if I were her. You need to consider why you feel she has to respond to you and why you’re so over invested in this. You were closer when you saw each other more often and had something in common, it’s normal that people can drift apart over time when their lives may have taken different paths and have different priorities or commitments.

Has it been 10 or 20 years? Your OP is a little confusing.You probably haven't done anything but even 10 years is a long time. I'm surprised you care so much after this length of time.

I've had friends move away, only ever maintained contact with one of them. To be fair some people just don't feel the effort is worth it, I am one of them, occasional conversations just aren't worth the effort for me.
Nobody is in the wrong here, if she wants to respond to you, she will!

If you are the one who moves away the onus is on you to keep in touch with the friends you left behind. They feel (maybe only subconsciously, but it's there) rejected by you leaving.

If you don't put in 70% of the effort to keep in touch, the relationship will wither.

This is my own idea and my own statistic but I have seen it borne out time and time again.

You left, you waited for her to get in touch. That was a rejection.

Family life can impact on friendships significantly. I had a very good friend with whom I stayed in contact for years, even after they'd moved abroad. The relationship kind of fizzled out once I had DC. I just found I didn't have the headspace to keep the friendship going.

Also, it's often amazing just how quickly such relationships can just end wihout much effort to keep them going. It only takes a missed Christmas card, an unreturned phone-call and that can be it!

Thanks for all the replies, sorry haven't been back online for a couple of days.
To answer those who asked why I was suddenly so keen to make contact after so long is because one of our mutual friends had been back in touch with me recently and we were just chatting about the old times and wondering what happened to Emma.

Couple of name changes in this thread, OP, which is a bit confusing.
Desperate to hear from Emma and know if she's ok, I called the place were she works, asking to speak with her. She wasn't available but they confirmed she still works there.

Emma moved on when you went abroad and has a different set of friends. Why are you only now desperate to know she's OK? Quite a strong phrase to use after all this time and to track her down at work is a tad stalkerish. Time to let it go?

Ive had close friends whom I've drifted from once they/or me move away. Never had any call my work though and if i did I would be mortified. Life moves on and people are never the same once you return or they return. But I was quite transient in my younger years so maybe knew not to get too invested with people. I have good friends I'd like to reconnect with but have no way to really do so without harassing friends or relatives of.thiers on fb. They know im on there so i guess if they felt the same they would look to find a way as well. But i get it. Im totally different now to then - married with a kid. They have 2 kids and live abroad. We probably wont get much oit of.the exchange other than good reminiscing to make it a priority. Some friendships are situation and time dependent. Saying that, i still have friendships from childhood despite me traveling and them staying put. But its really only the odd fb message once or twice a year. Distance and kid make it hard to meet up and last time i felt there was an awkward sense to keep conversation going etc.