Am I fickle

[300years]

My partner accuses me of always being fickle and doesn’t have any faith in our relationship because I say I’m unhappy but I feel I can’t legitimately call our behaviours that make me unhappy without being continually called fickle.

A few examples which lead to me being upset. These are just over the past couple of weeks.

1. In the car with the kids. partner driving and puts his foot to the floor. I say slow down! He’s going 45 mph in a 30 mph. He says shut up. I say no you’re speeding. He said I’m not. I’m speechless and angry and look at him and he says what the fuck are you looking at.

1. I had a really big decision to make in terms of my career. I could either do my current job or take over my family business (parents). After weeks of deliberation I had made a decision not to take my family business and felt 100% that this was the right decision. I lost sleep over breaking the news to my parents as I knew they might be disappointed. They supported my decision and told me it was ok. Partner did not support my decision and really made me feel awful. Critiquing my “menial” job and my personality saying I give up too soon. I couldn’t do both jobs and I was struggling and enjoy my job but still it ended with me in tears.

And many other situations like the above. Seemingly just stupid disagreements but leaving me feeling really sad.

It has been a long relationship with many problems. Mainly from my side and whenever I bring them up, like I’m unhappy about xyz situation he uses it as leverage as to why we cannot marry as we are not stable. But I say well if not now then when.

When push comes to shove I say ok I’m not happy anymore time to break free. I get my own house you buy me out the family house. He will then shower me with apologies, love, gifts, book days our holidays etc. I think of course feel happy and so stop the breaking up plan. A couple of weeks later he uses this yo-yoing back and forth as more leverage about how unstable I am. He will apparently remain in the relationship no matter what.

The difference is I call our times he treats me like shit and I just feel like it’s a big mess and wonder if it is me. He has said I’m crazy in the past and I change my mind like the weather but I truly believe if it wasn’t for his bombardment of affection then I would leave.

I genuinely feel he hates me and resents me now. The way he speaks to me isn’t nice, like the car example and in many other examples throughout our week.

What is confusing is when I call it out he apparently loves me so much, I’m the only thing good in his life, he’s going through a difficult stage, he’s going to change, he’s going to get help for his anxiety.

And this all takes me by surprise. He gets a fight in him and I think wow I really love him.

Then normality resumes and I think he hates me.

And the cycle continues.

This doesn't seem like a respectful and loving relationship OP.

What you describing is abuse. He is emotionally abusing you with his aggression, dismissiveness of you and your feelings and also trying to make you doubt yourself. Someone that loves you wouldn't treat you with such contempt. He keeps you hanging in there by changing tack when you threaten to leave.

You are definitely not fickle. It is his behaviour.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and this will affect your children as well.

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He goes "nice" on you when you threaten to leave and not follow that through (because he fools you into thinking he is remorseful and will change). Such men do not change.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser for good?. It would certainly be worth your while here to contact Womens Aid as they can advise you further. What are your family like; are they supportive here?.

Thank you.

I don’t know why but sometimes I just need to hear it as I doubt myself.

I’m in a much better position that I was last year. We were due to get married in March last year. Two months before he really disrespected me but I felt I couldn’t call off the wedding. I was also a SAHM With no money, no savings.

Covid happened and the wedding was cancelled. We never rescheduled it. I left last august after more horrible behaviour. Still had no job.

He pleaded, begged and showered me with gifts. I returned but wanted half the savings. He agreed reluctantly. I got a full time job.

I’m finally able to leave. Yesterday I saw a house and arranged a viewing and mortgage advisor. He knows I’m serious. He has since booked us a full weekend of family activities, dinner, talk of booking a holiday, showering me with love and cuddles (annoyingly). But once again I fall for it. I cancel my house viewing and think ok maybe it will be good. The kids will be happier as a family.

But I realise the sense of happiness feom getting free yesterday has turned to a gut feeling of stupidity and confusion.

My sisters say, find a man who treats you right. You have 60 years of your life left. Hate seeing you upset every few months. It’s called gaslighting.

These are their exact words in text messages to me.

I don't think you're fickle. He sounds like he's gaslighting you. No advice really, can't see how your situation will get any better. I would leave for your sake and the dc.

It is confusing being with an abuser. That's how they keep control of you by keeping you off balance and doubting yourself. You sound like you are ready to make the leap. You just need some courage and support. Also be careful. He may turn really nasty when he realises you are serious.

Your sister is right and why the fuck are you letting this gaslighting abuser call the shots? Your relationship is utter shit and you need to get out now. Stop sleepwalking through your own life and take control.

By the way, this is no family. Your children are seeing and hearing their mother be abused. Life will be so much calmer and pleasant without the constant upset.

Can you reschedule the house viewing?. You need to leave; this is no relationship model for your children to be witnessing either. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He only is "nice" to you when you get serious about leaving then he hooks you back in with short lived promises of days out etc. He will keep on trying to reel you back in as he does not want to let go of you that easily either; he has you as the fully trained house elf on tap. Drop the rope he holds out to you.

Your sister is absolutely correct here; use her help and support here to get away from your abuser. Your children will also thank you for doing that also.

I would also suggest that going forward you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this is for people in abusive relationships. This can be done online too. Its going to form a part of your recovery from his abuses of you, abuse like you describe does take time, perhaps years even, to recover from.

He is not going to make the process of you separating from him at all easy because he is abusive but this does not mean that should not happen. You absolutely do need to get away from him now before he further drags you and your kids down with him. He is not a decent father to his children because he abuses you as their mother.

Note too that he will remain abusive towards you after you've separated from him; he will likely use the children as a means of exerting power and control over you. You need to plan your exit from this with due care, your own safety here is of paramount importance.

I understand what he is capable of as I have left last year and he wouldn’t give me money which was rightfully mine. That’s why I insisted I got the money.

I know this might sound dillusional but what exactly is the abuse and how is it so obvious?

I know that sounds strange but he is very calm, not arrgresive or violent so I struggle to understand. I know that the nasty nice cycle is common in abusive relationships but I also know it is common to plead and beg when I person is being dumped in a relationship.

I have known in the past friends who have had their relationship ended and they also plead and beg although I don’t think they are abusive.

But also can see how predictable it is and I feel so stupid with how easily he thinks he can buy my love and affection. As soon as something happens and he thinks I’m leaving, we have his full attention he suggests holidays days out etc and I am fooled and he knows it.

Time to get off the hamster wheel
You have had excellent advice here already which I shan’t repeat

I will tell you from personal experience there is a high when you u leave and are free but things get worse before they get better with kids

You need to grit your teeth and get ready for that. It is sort of the abuser’s handbook: using the children and court

Your life on the other side is waiting
Believe me it is so much better.
Trust your instincts and take all support and advice to help you leave.
Your children will also thank you for it

Make your arrangements to leave covertly.

Your self esteem must be through the floor after years of him treating you like this.

Abuse is not solely just physical in nature. And I see he is not above financially abusing you either; yet another reason now to free yourself and your kids from your abuser.

Whilst you’re in the midst of something, it can be difficult to have an objective grasp of the situation. "Spaghetti head" is something many abusive people give their chosen target.

See if you recognise the following descriptors in yourself now:-

no longer feeling like the person you used to be.

being more anxious and less confident than you used to be.

often wondering if you're being too sensitive.

feeling like everything you do is wrong.

always thinking it's your fault when things go wrong.

apologising often

You make excuses to justify their actions

You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain yourself

1. The actions from him:-

No support for your personal growth

Withholding affection

Lying and denying

Turning your upset around on you

Telling you you’re imagining things/ that you’re crazy (he's already said that to you)

Degrading comments followed by positive reinforcement (all those nice things he promises you)

Being gaslit can happen to anyone. It’s not about being vulnerable. In fact, some articles talk about how there are two traits that people who are prone to gaslighting share: ‘One is conscientiousness. People who have a conscience, people who generally do the right thing and are trusting, because they are trustworthy in nature. The other is agreeableness. You want to treat people well and get along. You don't want to unnecessarily rock the boat in your relationships.’ The victims ‘were all intelligent and successful - this was a key factor in how receptive they were to being gaslighted. I have no doubt this man targeted you deliberately; he chose his target with care.

He is horrible to you
Leave him if he doesn't make you feel cherished and respected
Just telling you to shut up is enough

As soon as something happens and he thinks I’m leaving, we have his full attention he suggests holidays days out etc and I am fooled and he knows it.

Stop being the fool. Aren't you bloody sick of it already?

You kids will be far happier with this role model removed otherwise they will settle for this for themselves

@Aquamarine1029

As soon as something happens and he thinks I’m leaving, we have his full attention he suggests holidays days out etc and I am fooled and he knows it.

Stop being the fool. Aren't you bloody sick of it already?

It’s easier said than done when you feel trapped or ground down and confused plus there are children involved

But of course yes the OP is being devalued and humiliated and abused

From the two examples you have given, the abusive parts are:

You ask him to slow down from 45 mph to the speed limit of 30 mph because it is making you scared and feel unsafe.

He refuses - doesn't care that he is frightening you and your children

He denies he is speeding - gaslights you by denying your perception. Repeatedly doing this to you will and has caused your confusion about your 'fickleness' when you raise issues

Says who the fuck are you looking at - aggressively tries to dismiss your feelings of distress and understandable anger at his behaviour. There is also underlying threat in this behaviour

You made a difficult decision about not taking on the family business

Your partner tells you your decision is wrong - undermines your ability to make choices of your own. Suggests that he 'knows' better than you

Berates you for choosing your 'menial' job - again undermines your confidence and then uses put downs to emphasise his attempts to keep you down.

You are probably so used to being his emotional punchbag you don't notice anymore. The further you get away from him the more clarity you will gain.

And you're the fickle one???

All this lovey dovey stuff he does when he think you're leaving is fake. It's just not who he is. It's not natural for him but he does such a convincing show that it's enough to get you to stay.

Please get this - the person who he really is comes out when he gets comfortable that you're going to stay. That's his normal. That's the real him.

The affection he shows you otherwise is not genuine. It's not coming from an authentic place of love - it's instrumental. It has a purpose. They are actions he does to serve a purpose.

The driving thing itself is fucked up by the way and that before I even read the rest of your post. You can tell a lot about a person by how they drive.

He swore in front of the kids ?
Time for this to end.

The driving incident is very dangerous, nobody should be driving like that. He sounds very aggressive.