Am I fickle

[300years]

My partner accuses me of always being fickle and doesn’t have any faith in our relationship because I say I’m unhappy but I feel I can’t legitimately call our behaviours that make me unhappy without being continually called fickle.

A few examples which lead to me being upset. These are just over the past couple of weeks.

1. In the car with the kids. partner driving and puts his foot to the floor. I say slow down! He’s going 45 mph in a 30 mph. He says shut up. I say no you’re speeding. He said I’m not. I’m speechless and angry and look at him and he says what the fuck are you looking at.

1. I had a really big decision to make in terms of my career. I could either do my current job or take over my family business (parents). After weeks of deliberation I had made a decision not to take my family business and felt 100% that this was the right decision. I lost sleep over breaking the news to my parents as I knew they might be disappointed. They supported my decision and told me it was ok. Partner did not support my decision and really made me feel awful. Critiquing my “menial” job and my personality saying I give up too soon. I couldn’t do both jobs and I was struggling and enjoy my job but still it ended with me in tears.

And many other situations like the above. Seemingly just stupid disagreements but leaving me feeling really sad.

It has been a long relationship with many problems. Mainly from my side and whenever I bring them up, like I’m unhappy about xyz situation he uses it as leverage as to why we cannot marry as we are not stable. But I say well if not now then when.

When push comes to shove I say ok I’m not happy anymore time to break free. I get my own house you buy me out the family house. He will then shower me with apologies, love, gifts, book days our holidays etc. I think of course feel happy and so stop the breaking up plan. A couple of weeks later he uses this yo-yoing back and forth as more leverage about how unstable I am. He will apparently remain in the relationship no matter what.

The difference is I call our times he treats me like shit and I just feel like it’s a big mess and wonder if it is me. He has said I’m crazy in the past and I change my mind like the weather but I truly believe if it wasn’t for his bombardment of affection then I would leave.

Thanks for the support

I have rebooked the viewing.

That's great. Onwards and upwards. I can promise you that you will look back and realise how badly you have been treated by this man. I am still amazed ten years later at some of the manipulations my exhusband pulled on me. Couldn't see it at the time. Feel disgusted and angry now.

What amazes me is how conclusive it is amongst everyone. These examples are trivial, most recent but there are countless others that are probably worse.

I somehow expected people to say you’re too fickle, you don’t appreciate what you have, you’re going to ruin your child’s childhood.

All this lovey dovey stuff he does when he think you're leaving is fake. It's just not who he is. It's not natural for him but he does such a convincing show that it's enough to get you to stay

Please get this - the person who he really is comes out when he gets comfortable that you're going to stay. That's his normal. That's the real him

This is such a good Post. OP the real him is the nasty twat who loves seeing you upset and scared.

On the occasions you get pissed off with been upset and scared and try to leave he presses the ‘make 300years stay‘ button. He knows tha begging and pleading work. So he does that. If it was standing on one leg singing the national anthem, then he’d do that instead.

Your mates might be in relationships with people who beg and plead because they care (though it strikes me as incredibly unhealthy behaviour if it keeps happening). He does it because it works.

When you ignore it he will flip like a switch and probably get nasty, then promise That Thing you always wanted (puppy, baby...etc) then flip again. There’s a script, he WILL follow it.

The examples you have given are not trivial.

You are not seeing them that way because you've become desensitised to his behaviour. It seems normal to you because he has been doing this to you for so long, or all of your past relationships were like this including possibly your family of origin? It was interesting when you said he wasn't violent and aggressive but the incident with the car was aggressive with violent undertones. You seem like he's persuaded you that you're overreacting. Your feelings are telling you you feel threatened or dismissed or belittled but he's convinced you to stuff those feelings down and ignore them because he 'knows' better. I can't count the number of times I ended up apologising to my exhusband for reacting to his selfish behaviour. He would make me feel guilty or 'over the top. He never apologised to me, ever, in the twenty years we were together.

Perhaps, as others have suggested, have a look at The Freedom Programme?

Yes try the freedom program

The abuse is not trivial

Your kids will be so much better off without him

It's not a happy relationship I can see why you want out, he doesn't respect your decisions, doesn't want you to think for yourself, when that's taken away from you, you can't live to his standards only your own.

There’s been some fantastic observations and advice here OP. Great news that you’ve rebooked the house viewing, but be prepared for retaliation from him - you are taking action towards leaving him and it may trigger worse abuse. Take care of yourself and your children. I hope you have some real life support, please do lean on them.

Keep posting here for advice and support too 💐

I am very sad that you are not yet able to see how abusive & dangerous he is.

As I said be covert about finding a property and leaving.

Please speak with Women's Aid.

Even on the basis of your very first example- what the hell are you staying with this utter wanker for?

It's not ok that he spend and broke the law. Its not ok that he gaslighted you. Its not ok that he swore at you in such a threatening way. It's not ok that he swore at you infront of your kids.

Get yourself out of there.

*sped

Thanks for the support. Strangely I find myself wondering if my eyes tricked me and he wasn’t going 45mph but then I know this is just me doubting myself. The one thing I’m fed up with is constantly feeling sad. He convinces me I’m too sensitive. He says I make problems up in my head to make myself sad. He says I always have a problem with something. He says my full life has been a rollercoaster up and down which it has been in terms of him. I should have listened to my gut all those years ago.

The reason I feel like this is trivial is because I have embarrassingly heard this all before but for circumstances which are much more serious so a minor argument where he talks to me like crap for no reason is no surprise.

Over the years I’ve had controlling behaviour, financial controlling behaviour, lies, sneakiness, outright disrespect, hiding drugs in our home and sneaking off to take them, leaving me in the middle of a dinner table at a restaurant to disappear to take drugs and not returning until the next day.

I feel incredibly embarrassed and have always brushed it off as a mistake and silly drunken behaviour. But if I do a mistake he really loves to see me suffer, I don’t know why I care as much as I do.

He is flip flopping between being very very nice to very very nasty.

I’m concerned I don’t have the finances to buy my own house and really sad after speaking briefly to a mortgage advisor but I have an appointment booked next week and he said he will know more of what I can afford.

I just want stability for my children and nice home.

It doesn’t help that I stayed at home for years whilst he climbed the career ladder and now he is very wealthy and will rub it in my face.

Following your update I think speaking to Women’s Aid and the police might be helpful. He’s hidden drugs in your children’s home? This is so horrible and toxic. It’s a safeguarding issue - get them the hell out of there and make sure the authorities know so he can’t go for custody. I think you have lost touch on what normal relationships are meant to be like. I’m sorry, this must be a nightmare for you

Part of the problem is you keep entering into a dialogue with him. “He convinces me....he says...” Why is his opinion worth anything to you?

He has treated you appallingly, so stop listening to his crap. He doesn’t need to know you’re seeing a mortgage adviser. He doesn’t need to know your plans for the future. Every time you give him information, you’re allowing him to get one step ahead of you. He keeps pressing the buttons that have you falling right back in line. Disrupt the narrative by keeping your plans to yourself. He doesn’t need to be involved. Get your ducks in a row.

You are absolutely right that you should listen to your gut. Everything you’re saying is the reality of the situation. It’s clear that he will do or say almost anything to keep you trapped in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Please stop regretting the past and start acting now. You deserve far better than this.

Thanks you’re right

What I mean about hiding them is he went out one weekend and must have taken them and brought some home with him. He didn’t tell me and the next weekend I found him in the toilet taking it in the evening. He had planned to leave me and go out with friends but hadn’t mentioned this to me so I was confused and bewildered. He promised it wouldn’t ever happen again and was the first time they’d been in our house.

Of course it’s probably a lie.

Re-arrange the house viewing. Or find another one.

Leave the dickhead. He's awful and your kids will be happier without him. As will you.

Also, he's a bit dim and doesn't really understand what 'fickle' means. That would be enough for me, personally.

Find another house viewing
Don’t fall for his “nice” behaviour when it won’t last and it’s just a method of control