Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual frustrated!

47 replies

Sarapq2 · 28/04/2021 15:04

Hi
We are affectionate but sex life non existent right now.
There is touching ect but that as far as it goes.
He works very long hours and it's a physical and mentally hard going job. He knows there is an issue and has had bloods done to check testerone levels which are all good.
He said he doesn't do it himself , says doesn't feel like it and worrys that when we do he will disappoint me and himself.
We are having a weekend to ourselves so I do hope we get chance in that respect.
But I'm frustrated , Im unsure if to buy myself a little friend do to speak ?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 15:07

Are you asking if you should get a vibrator? Yes you should. But unless you want a celibate life you need to talk about this with him. Not bank on things turning around in one weekend.

Jambo21 · 28/04/2021 15:27

@Sarapq2 I’m in the exact same position. I have never had this issue before and it has really knocked me.

Jambo21 · 28/04/2021 15:31

@Sarapq2 how long have you been together?

Original poster
Sarapq2 · 28/04/2021 15:35

Same here I'm not expecting to be at it rabbits but after we stopped trying for a baby it stopped.
I know he not seeing any one else , he doesn't have the time for a start .
Part of me thinks just accept it but sometimes I feel like we are just friends.
I've asked if it's because I'm over weight and he said no .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarapq2 · 28/04/2021 15:36

As a couple over 4 and half years . Lived together for 4 years .

OP posts:
Jambo21 · 28/04/2021 15:41

@Sarapq2 I have been with my partner around 2 and a half years and we have lived together nearly 2 years. Like you say, I’m not expecting us to be at it like rabbits but it would be nice to see some desire from him. Also like you, I know my partner isn’t seeing anyone else, he is affectionate in other ways but would much rather cuddle or just go to sleep. So just wanted you to know you’re not alone! How long has it been for you? I find men tend to bury their heads and hope things go away but they don’t.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2021 15:45

I expect to be at it like rabbits and we’ve been married ages and have a toddler. Nothing at all wrong with expecting a decent sex life, no matter how long you’ve been together.

Original poster
Sarapq2 · 28/04/2021 15:45

Think it's 10 months or so. Been under a lot of pressure and I know I'm not what you'd call desirable .

OP posts:
Jambo21 · 28/04/2021 16:01

It’s only been 7 weeks for us but I feel like even that’s far too long. I miss the connection and the intimacy as I do feel sex brings you together. So I feel your pain at going 10 months. All I can say is don’t let it go on for any longer as you might reach the point of no return.

Original poster
Sarapq2 · 28/04/2021 16:03

Hope it's not gone that far already but deep down I think it has.

OP posts:
Stitchandapples · 28/04/2021 16:16

Six years here.

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/04/2021 18:00

This was one of (quite a few) reasons I left my first marriage. To be fair, I didn’t really desire him any more ages.

I did try and make the effort for a while - trying to make the opportunity for intimacy, lots of physical affection, I’d try and dress in ways I knew he found attractive etc - none of it worked. In the end it put me off him too.

In your case OP, it does sound positive that he acknowledges the issue..... And I’m sure it’s not that there is anything unattractive about you. No real advice (sadly) but please don’t start believing it’s your fault or a reflection on you. Even a quick review of the threads on here reveals that many men (and women) are in the same predicament.

Do by all means try a vibrator if you fancy one. But it’s unlikely to be a long term solution, as there is so much more to sex than just the orgasms.....

Wishing you (and other posters in the same situation) the very best.....

Stitchandapples · 28/04/2021 18:01

I’ve accepted it doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m just going to be celibate forever.

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/04/2021 18:42

Hi OP, nine months is quite a while, as a PP, says one weekend won’t get you swinging from the chandeliers, but should be a step in the right direction, don’t pressure yourself, have some nice food and try to relax about it

Original poster
Sarapq2 · 28/04/2021 19:31

I hope that weekend will be a step in right direction I guess only time will tell.

OP posts:
19Bears · 28/04/2021 21:41

I raise you ten years, @Stitchandapples !!!
I am unbelievably frustrated. But with us there is nothing, absolutely nothing. It sounds at least like you've got a good foundation to build on, @Sarapq2 in that you still have touching and cuddling. Get a vibrator if you want, but I think the issue is to find the intimacy again between the two of you. I recently bought a vibrator but I just feel empty. I want eyes to look into, I want the gentle touch of someone who adores me, I want someone to cuddle with afterwards. I hope you can get that back asap! Good luck x

CirqueDeMorgue · 28/04/2021 21:47

I wouldn't even be happy with a few weeks unless there was a good reason. The person I'm in a relationship with, not wanting to sleep with me anymore warrants a discussion.

JustAnotherOldMan · 29/04/2021 07:25

@19Bears.
10 years !, fuck that (no pun intended), I did about 2 years or so when my marriage ended, but if your with someone and not having sex, even once a month, what’s the point ?.

I’ve noticed that women seem to know exactly how long it’s been since you last DTD, do you keep secret diaries or something?

Stitchandapples · 29/04/2021 07:32

No - it was when my dc2 was conceived. That’s how I know. That’s the last time we had sex. Six years ago.
It’s really common I think, loads of relationships are sexless.

Anothernick · 29/04/2021 08:01

How very sad. As a man I can't imagine not wanting regular sex, the need for - er - relief is inbuilt in us. Or so I thought.

Original poster
Sarapq2 · 29/04/2021 09:00

No secret diary just know when my baby would have been due.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 29/04/2021 09:06

And your all in relationships?, that’s so sad, 😔,

I’ve not had sex for a couple of years, but I’m single old man so doesn’t really count, as not seeing anyone, but I can’t imagine being in a relationship and not having sex for 6 years, let alone 10.

Original poster
Sarapq2 · 29/04/2021 09:22

It happened before but to be honest at that point we didn't like each other very much and even the affection had gone. We'd go bed sepertly and he'd sleep far the other side of bed , least it's not like that .
Had lot of changes in last 18 months and life only just going back to normal .

OP posts:
19Bears · 29/04/2021 09:36

Yep, not a diary, just my youngest is 9.5 years old, and his creation was the last time. Job done, I'm guessing.......

Babdoc · 29/04/2021 09:45

If a woman is not willing to live in a sexless marriage, then the only options are a discreet lover or divorce.
However, if the issue is just that the husband has erectile dysfunction, and won’t attempt sex for fear of failure, that should be addressed by a trip to his GP. It can be an early warning sign of heart disease or high blood pressure. And is very treatable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread