Sexual frustrated!

[Sarapq2]

Hi
We are affectionate but sex life non existent right now.
There is touching ect but that as far as it goes.
He works very long hours and it's a physical and mentally hard going job. He knows there is an issue and has had bloods done to check testerone levels which are all good.
He said he doesn't do it himself , says doesn't feel like it and worrys that when we do he will disappoint me and himself.
We are having a weekend to ourselves so I do hope we get chance in that respect.
But I'm frustrated , Im unsure if to buy myself a little friend do to speak ?

10 years, I’m staggered, really staggered TBH.

If I was was in a relationship, with someone who actually wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn’t wait 10 bloody years,
I assume sex was normal before the kids and your husband doesn’t have any male sexual dysfunctional issues ?

It was 'normal' yes, but never brilliant. I once happened to mention it hurt, on one occasion, and he never came near me again. Tbh, the last thing I want in the entire world is to have sex with him, ever. Many things have worn me down over the years, and he knows it, but is content to rumble on. I would love to get out, but it's the classic case of kids and home to think of.........and me being far too patient and unconfrontational for my own good.

No issues in it working well as far as I'm aware .
We don't have children I always miscarry before 12 weeks.

I don't know about the others with this issue but I'd never have an affair , it's never descrete and I don't know if ppl will agree with invention of social media every one has links to each other.
Example my sil had an affair , I found out after realising I was friends with the man and he'd not been discreet

Just to add, I did find an outlet for a while, but that's gone now....

I'm in the same position cough Haven't dtd with my husband for over a year now. Since our honeymoon in fact. He's got Asperger's so I think that's a factor but he denies being asexual, just comes up with every excuse under the sun for not wanting to do it. Then says I should bring it up earlier in the week to initiate and rejects me.

So I've just given up but boy I'm horny. As in sorting myself out after work on the sofa horny (and sometimes during work ). And in bed. Damn and I didn't even think I had that much of a drive myself so it's been surprising. I guess when you're alone it can be bad but at least there's the possibility of meeting someone. When he's right there and refusing you it really takes its toll. I've given up trying, sick of being rejected.

I'm considering counselling but not sure if it will make any difference as he just does his own thing. The worse thing is I knew he was like this before I married him.

I'm pregnant so obvs me and hubby do have sex but I would also say not very often (we have gone months previously) I am also overweight and have says its not that.
He doesn't even self pleasure because he just has that low a sex drive, again no physical reason for it.
I'd say our relationship is perfect but we have very different libidos
We touch lots and in the dry spells I always say we should at least try whether he can finish or not as it can be hard to get back in to it once you stop!

I just wanted to say I sympathise and hope the weekend goes well x

@AnneLovesGilbert

I expect to be at it like rabbits and we’ve been married ages and have a toddler. Nothing at all wrong with expecting a decent sex life, no matter how long you’ve been together.

Indeed, don't be embarrassed about expecting decent sex. I have a great sex life and cannot understand how some put up with crap when they want more. Therapy maybe?

Well, if you rule out an affair, OP, you are left with lifelong celibacy or a divorce...! Either of those appeal?

I experience things from the other side of libido issues, i'd happily want a man who wasn't bothered about having sex, it would be ideal for me. But they all seem to be so rampant nowadays, exhausting!

Health issues but he was never that fused before we’ll never have sex again thank god for crushes and mastarbation I’d go nuts otherwise.

We didn’t have sex on honeymoon.
We’ve rarely ever had sex.

Just to say that I found having infertility issues put me off sex. One, because we had to do it to order at the right time of the month which seemed really clinical once I knew it wasn't going to happen easily, and two, because it made me feel like I wasn't a proper woman. It impacted really heavily on my self esteem.

3 weeks for us.

He has erectile dysfunction i think or the start.

Won't discuss it or do anything about it.

@sarapq2 from what you have said you have been trying to conceive and suffered several miscarriages, and that you are lacking confidence in hour own attractiveness and your partner has expressed a lack of confidence in his performance. You've hinted at other events in your lives. This is on top of a year which has been very challenging for everyone. It sounds as though you are both carrying a lot of pain. Have you had any counselling or help for this either together or individually?

It's recognised that the pandemic alone reduced people's libido. TTC and miscarriage are also known to affect libido.

Please be gentle with yourself and your partner. By all means get a vibrator to help you to release your physical frustration. But don't give up on healing your pain and rebuilding the emotional relationship with your partner.

Another reason why a vibrator may be a good idea is if performance worries are putting him off. It could take the pressure off him. Any change, however, would probably be gradual.

What you've described is much more common than people will generally admit.

I'm sorry to read of your miscarriages. Also it sounds like neither of you have had an easy time.

I used to have a magic wand vibrator and my husband found it a threat and would say that I would rather play with it than with him. That was nonsense of course but he just wouldn't listen. I might get another one soon, they're good for getting rid of headaches too as well as scratching an itch.

For me, I (broadly) like some form of sexual contact in every 24 hours I am with the other person. Might be my orgasm, might be his, might just be playing..... This is true with the current one, my most recent ex (LTR)), and DD’s dad (the one before the last). Less good for me with those before him, as I recall....

Sometimes one might be poorly, sad, having a row etc, so it doesn’t happen - but In general for me, some kind of sex is the norm.

If it stops altogether in a relationship, I feel sad and bewildered. To me, it’s an important expression of togetherness. And so healing! With the current one for example, few times we’ve rowed, we have NEEDED to be in bed together afterwards to get over it. It’s the most beautiful way of showing one’s romantic love, in my opinion.

For those of you living without it, and missing it, I would urge you not to ignore those feelings....

WornOutPaterfamilias

We have had a bad time if I'm honest , loosing the babies, an ex girlfriend who tried to break us up , her lies resulted in me trying to take my life are just a few problems we have had.
I'm hoping that as things are settling , I hopefully start a new job , we have a nice home etc e everything else will fall into place .

All those things will have been very hard on both of you, and neither of you should blame yourselves or each other for sex going missing.

Re Sunnidayz's comment above:

The truth is that vibrators do something very specific that men can't do, unless perhaps Elon Musk has built a cyborg-human hybrid with an electronic tongue. That's why they aren't a replacement and therefore not a threat. I hope your husband realises that eventually.

@Lovelydiscusfish
For those of you living without it, and missing it, I would urge you not to ignore those feelings....
I always forget how important it is, and managed to convince myself for years that people didn't really have sex at all, it was just something in the movies. Now I realise people do have sex and need it. The most beautiful way of showing your love, as you say. I want this back in my life!

It’s a weird one with me my ex was crap at it and wanted it everyday I hated it, now I’m starved I often feel it karma, there is a lot of health issues with us, but just lately my libido has rocketed, thank god for fantasies. Sorry for everyone else in this boat it’s either joked about or brushed under the carpet, it’s no laughing matter.

For me sex is about connection and intimacy.
When it goes in a relationship then for me the 'relationship' is dead.

I am lucky I have my own home, no dependant children and friends/family so I am not particularly lonely when I am single.
I am in a position in life where a partner has to bring great companionship (including sex) to the table - otherwise they are not worth my time.
This has all come off the back of being in a LTR which was sexless for the last few years, I'm never going back to that place again. Sex between a loving couple is way more than just a mechanical act, I crave a deeper connection from a partner - if that's missing then time to move on.