Is 34 too old?

[Cherryblossoms2021]

Im about to turn 34 in the next few weeks.

I keep reading on here that people, even younger than me, are panicking about time running out.

I don’t think I really felt like this before and I’m just wondering if I’m being silly and if things really are too late.

Ive had one long term relationship and one disastrous shorter relationship. I feel like I’ve learnt a lot on in the past few years, been through a lot. In many ways, I’m now in a much better position - finally got a place of my own and a dog which I’ve always wanted.

However there’s still lots of things that aren’t really settled. My job is unstable and I don’t have much prospects relationship wise.

Im just wondering whether this is it. It feels silly saying that, when I might not even have lived half my life yet. I guess I just want to know if I still have time to make the best life for myself whatever that might be or if not.

My ex boyfriend when I was 31 constantly said we were getting old and leaving it too late to have kids.

I guess what I have on my side is I am not fussed about children. In fact I know that whilst I might regret never having them, I definitely know I don’t want children with the wrong person or if I’m not financially able to give them a certain standard of life. So whilst I may regret never having the opportunity to have them, I don’t think I would regret not having them per se if that makes sense.

I feel like I spent my entire 20s in a dead end relationship with a man much older and never really lived or enjoyed dating someone in the way that most couples do especially when they’re young.

It does seem like now people my age don’t really want to go out and my life is quite staid.

I don’t really quite know what I’m asking from this.

Christ I hope not I am nearly 38. The thing that I zoned in on was the job, rather than the fact you're not in a long term stable relationship. I understand your thoughts about children. I have never been with anyone I wanted to have any with, and am so glad I didn't now. I'd focus on the job situation first if I were you.

Out of my group of friends, some are married, one's been widowed recently (and she has severe mental health issues as it's made those erupt) and the rest of us are single and happy with it. If Chris Hemsworth comes knocking that's great, but I'm not particularly looking.

Too old for what exactly?

Life is what you make it if you are in happy shake it up I had first baby st 38 and married at 38 so not too late for those two things at all
Sounds like you're in a big funk

You're not getting younger but 34 is young enough to change your life around.
It's certainly not too old to have children, or meet somone nice, or to start a new career or business.

Having children, a long term partner and financial security aren't compulsory. Start by making your life in the here and now good.

The job might be the place to start.

Best wishes and good luck.

Too old for what ? 34 is no age ! Your just a whipper snapper

I’m 52 this and still have loads of things I want to do before I peg it !

Thank you! Yes, I am in a big funk. And I definitely need to sort my job out.

It causes me a lot of misery as I’m no good at hustling for work and the financial instability makes me very anxious.

Yes and no. I do think time is running out if you wanted children but it doesn't sound like this is a burning desire for you though. I think too many women have the assumption that because it's possible to have children in your 40's that they'll be able to have children into their 40's, when in reality fertility is a personal thing and for many post-35 there's very little chance. Also seems to be an attitude of oh well there's always IVF, as if that's no big deal and they'll definitely get a child from it. When really it's an intense hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that can ruin relationships and only has a 20 percent success rate anyway.

The other issue for those who want children but aren't in a settled relationship, or the right relationship, is that it makes any potential relationship pressurised. Say you meet someone tomorrow. You want to know them a year or two before starting a family, so now you're 36. Spend a year trying for a baby, now you're 37. It doesn't happen so there's a year of tests, and a waiting list for IVF, your turn comes up but now you're 39. But if in getting to know your partner you realise you're not a good fit, then what, do you plow onwards trying to have children with someone who you know in your heart isn't right for you or do you start all over again, but 2yrs older.

So yes although I know it's not a fashionable viewpoint, I do think women who want or think they might want children need to spend their 20's looking for the right partner to do that with instead of being single mindedly focused on career or partying like they've got forever. All this it's ok to wait to have children until your mid-30s is a bit of an urban myth, I think. Some can, some can't and you won't know which you are until you try, by which time it could be too late.

You're not out of time to find a partner though. Although I do believe all the best ones get snapped up early. I think men are much better at putting their needs first and getting what they want. So the ones who want to settle down just get on and do it. Meaning by the time you're in your 30's there's less available men of the right kind out there. Plenty for casual relationship and plenty who'd like to settle down but they have a "but" in their characters which is why they're still unmarried/divorced. Unfortunately I think there's a lot of awful men out there, who might look ok on the surface, but scratch a little deeper and the basics of respect and kindness aren't really there in sufficient quantity. I'm a bit disillusioned with men TBH.

I know what you mean about people not going out. I can't stand all the internet dating thing. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up glued to a phone and social media. It seems so cold. I've never done it though so perhaps I'm wrong. I've always took my chances with who fate brought into my life. Whilst I prefer being in a good relationship, I'm happy being single too and definitely prefer that to being in a bad relationship.

We're just an animal at the end of the day, no different to any other creature. We're genetically programmed to find a mate and breed. Plus socially conditioned as women that we can't possibly survive alone and to look sadly on those who are. Whenever I've been single I've thought about that and it sort of makes sense of the sad feeling that creeps up sometimes when you think of not having a partner, it's just genetics/society and in the modern world where humans have almost no natural enemies like tigers etc there's enough people perpetuating the species that we don't all need to do it.

Technology has been a bit of a curse to humanity as well as a blessing though. People have forgotten how to talk and prefer the dopamine hit of social media to meaningful human interaction. Not sure what the solution is to that, you can try to connect with people as much as you want but if they're not putting in the same efforts, well, it takes two to be friends it's not something you can do all by yourself. I suppose my answer is be happy in your own company, be content with what you have instead of worrying about what you don't and make the most of social opportunities that arise, put the effort in and the right people will hopefully reciprocate.

You say yourself that you are not quite sure what you are asking and that is OK - we can all have times in our life when we don't know what we want/need or what we're looking for.

I've just turned 60 and two years ago I started a new relationship and last year I started a new business. I never had my own children but children and young people are my passion and have been a huge part of my life. I've supported foster carers, been an 'aunt' to my close friend's children and have a two beautiful god children, who treat me as a 2nd mother. (There's more than one way to be a 'parent'). Life is good.

You have many years ahead of you and lots of time to be adventurous, have fun, learn from your mistakes, make more mistakes, mature as a person, make more mistakes, have lots more fun ... We just never know what is round the next corner. Biologically, time is still on your side if you do want children, and, as I say, there are other ways to have children in your life. And you are never too old to develop a new relationship if you meet the right person. (I know people in there 80s who have married or started co-habiting.)

I'm a coach so I'm probably bound to say this but maybe have a think about finding a local, accredited coach who can help you to clarify what it is you really want, what your current priorities are and what your goals are in the long term. There's nothing quite like having the space to listen to yourself. (Friends are great but they tend to offer their opinions - an accredited coach will never offer their opinion but will be dedicated to helping you find your own solutions). The International Coach Federation has lists of accredited coaches. There are also directories around like The Life Coach Directory. Enjoy the exploration and the helpful discoveries you will make about yourself and what you want!

It sounds like you think you should br anxious since people in the same age bracket are getting anxious?? Thing os, if you did want children, yes time is not on your side. If you are not too bothered, then too old for what?

Add some excitement to your life, travel, new hobbies, new friends etc. You have a whole life ahead of you and you can do what you want if not encumbered by children for the next twenty years

Thank you everyone. This is just what I needed to hear.

And I really like the line from a pp who said prefer to take their chances with who fate brings into their lives. That’s exactly how I feel. I’ve dabbled with old but I know in my heart it’s just not for me. I have never been attracted to anyone just based on their looks alone and I don’t really have the patience or inclination for OLD.

I think I need to sort out my job first and look for other things to stimulate me. It’s tricky because I feel almost like I don’t know what I want anymore and therefore don’t know where to start.

Happiness is the most attractive quality. As for where to start. Usually the advice is what did you enjoy as a child? Stuff you've lost touch with because society told you it wasn't important and you had to focus on xyz. Society is wrong by the way, being yourself is very important. Other advice you could look at brochures for colleges and see if any courses take your interest (hobby to fit around your job or to retrain for s new one), look at local community center notice board or local area web pages to see what classes or community groups happen in your area. In my area a lot of this info is contained in what looks like junk mail that comes through the door. Or ask around among people you know what are their hobbies, tell them you're looking for a new hobby if they have any ideas.

@AmberItsACertainty

Yes and no. I do think time is running out if you wanted children but it doesn't sound like this is a burning desire for you though. I think too many women have the assumption that because it's possible to have children in your 40's that they'll be able to have children into their 40's, when in reality fertility is a personal thing and for many post-35 there's very little chance. Also seems to be an attitude of oh well there's always IVF, as if that's no big deal and they'll definitely get a child from it. When really it's an intense hormonal and emotional rollercoaster that can ruin relationships and only has a 20 percent success rate anyway.

The other issue for those who want children but aren't in a settled relationship, or the right relationship, is that it makes any potential relationship pressurised. Say you meet someone tomorrow. You want to know them a year or two before starting a family, so now you're 36. Spend a year trying for a baby, now you're 37. It doesn't happen so there's a year of tests, and a waiting list for IVF, your turn comes up but now you're 39. But if in getting to know your partner you realise you're not a good fit, then what, do you plow onwards trying to have children with someone who you know in your heart isn't right for you or do you start all over again, but 2yrs older.

So yes although I know it's not a fashionable viewpoint, I do think women who want or think they might want children need to spend their 20's looking for the right partner to do that with instead of being single mindedly focused on career or partying like they've got forever. All this it's ok to wait to have children until your mid-30s is a bit of an urban myth, I think. Some can, some can't and you won't know which you are until you try, by which time it could be too late.

You're not out of time to find a partner though. Although I do believe all the best ones get snapped up early. I think men are much better at putting their needs first and getting what they want. So the ones who want to settle down just get on and do it. Meaning by the time you're in your 30's there's less available men of the right kind out there. Plenty for casual relationship and plenty who'd like to settle down but they have a "but" in their characters which is why they're still unmarried/divorced. Unfortunately I think there's a lot of awful men out there, who might look ok on the surface, but scratch a little deeper and the basics of respect and kindness aren't really there in sufficient quantity. I'm a bit disillusioned with men TBH.

I know what you mean about people not going out. I can't stand all the internet dating thing. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up glued to a phone and social media. It seems so cold. I've never done it though so perhaps I'm wrong. I've always took my chances with who fate brought into my life. Whilst I prefer being in a good relationship, I'm happy being single too and definitely prefer that to being in a bad relationship.

We're just an animal at the end of the day, no different to any other creature. We're genetically programmed to find a mate and breed. Plus socially conditioned as women that we can't possibly survive alone and to look sadly on those who are. Whenever I've been single I've thought about that and it sort of makes sense of the sad feeling that creeps up sometimes when you think of not having a partner, it's just genetics/society and in the modern world where humans have almost no natural enemies like tigers etc there's enough people perpetuating the species that we don't all need to do it.

Technology has been a bit of a curse to humanity as well as a blessing though. People have forgotten how to talk and prefer the dopamine hit of social media to meaningful human interaction. Not sure what the solution is to that, you can try to connect with people as much as you want but if they're not putting in the same efforts, well, it takes two to be friends it's not something you can do all by yourself. I suppose my answer is be happy in your own company, be content with what you have instead of worrying about what you don't and make the most of social opportunities that arise, put the effort in and the right people will hopefully reciprocate.

Well said!

DONT WORRY. I am your age and in a much more complicated situation (😅)

this is what I have now stated telling myself (mostly due to really good advice from MN):

• I won’t let others dictate how I live my life
• I will count my blessings and appreciate what I have, not yearn for what I don’t have
• I will take concrete steps to be happy, and only I can do that

Also:
You are just above the average age for first conception. Ie no rush.
There are several ways to have babies- natural and “non natural”
Do not have children because you feel you should, but because you want to.
X

Even if you were 'too old', what could you even do about it? It's just a destructive mindset to have and leads to panicking and bad decisions. I started to worry about my age when I was 29 (I look back now and want to give myself a good shake for being so silly!) and all that caused was staying in unsuitable relationships for way too long and settling for people I never should have dated. I look back to photos of myself at age 30 and can't believe how young I looked, and there I was worrying about men and marriage and kids instead of enjoying my life. It doesn't really get you anywhere, IMO. You'll meet someone or you won't...what good does worrying do?

Op you are not to old for anything. Marriage , job ect. You are biologically a woman so every woman is so very different when it comes to birthing children. Some find it easy at your age and some will not conceive after the age of 35. The average womans fertility drops at around 30. Then continuing to decrease until menopause at an average age of 45. Its so very different for everyone. The fact of the matter is you are not to old for anything. You could meet your Prince and have a few babies by the time you are 42. I would get a fertility check though if children are a consideration to you just to know . I wouldn't worry about financially security as I truly know multi millionaires who say they are not secure financially. I know it doesn't make sense. Money cannot buy love and sometimes it doesn't even buy happiness. Children give you love and happiness even if you are poor.

The average age to get married in the U.K. ( according to ONS) is 35.7 for women and 38 for men. Kind of implies that not all the” best men” are being snapped up in their 20s. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been married in my 20’s... god alone knows what terrible choice I would have made back then. ( a bad boy probably). You’re now the perfect age to meet someone who’s established in his career and has been in a couple of relationships and settled down. On top of that you are probably still able to conceive if you wanted to.( nothing is guaranteed obviously).. my NCT group only had 2 out of about 14 women in their 20s the rest were 30’s and 40’s. You need to make the life that you want though... stop worrying about other people your age. We only pass through this way once.

Op I'm a similar age to you and feeling the same!

Covid hasn't helped!

Such a lot can happen in even 1 year that I've decided to focus on "living my best life" (sorry!) and hoping for the best, that way I'll be assured of some happiness whatever happens.

They've also just declared that women's fertility survives for a few more years than they thought before we shrivel and dry up so whoop-de-do ;)

Read somewhere up thread that there's "very little chance" of having kids after 35.

I happened to read an article recently which explains how that's wrong. I'll copy paste, OP (and anyone else having similar thoughts):

"The widely cited statistic that one in three women ages 35 to 39 will not be pregnant after a year of trying, for instance, is based on an article published in 2004 in the journal Human Reproduction. Rarely mentioned is the source of the data: French birth records from 1670 to 1830.

Surprisingly few well-designed studies of female age and natural fertility include women born in the 20th century—but those that do tend to paint a more optimistic picture. One study, published in Obstetrics & Gynecology in 2004 and headed by David Dunson (now of Duke University), examined the chances of pregnancy among 770 European women. It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds. (The fertility of women in their late 20s and early 30s was almost identical—news in and of itself.) Another study, released this March in Fertility and Sterility and led by Kenneth Rothman of Boston University, followed 2,820 Danish women as they tried to get pregnant. Among women having sex during their fertile times, 78 percent of 35-to-40-year-olds got pregnant within a year, compared with 84 percent of 20-to-34-year-olds."

Can't do hyperlinks here but if you want to read it, it's here:

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

Good grief I hope not, I'm 63 and having to start a new life as I've recently been widowed.

You don't have to have children in order to live a rewarding generous life. I've got a lot of friends who chose to not have them.

@Divebar2021

The average age to get married in the U.K. ( according to ONS) is 35.7 for women and 38 for men. Kind of implies that not all the” best men” are being snapped up in their 20s. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been married in my 20’s... god alone knows what terrible choice I would have made back then. ( a bad boy probably). You’re now the perfect age to meet someone who’s established in his career and has been in a couple of relationships and settled down. On top of that you are probably still able to conceive if you wanted to.( nothing is guaranteed obviously).. my NCT group only had 2 out of about 14 women in their 20s the rest were 30’s and 40’s. You need to make the life that you want though... stop worrying about other people your age. We only pass through this way once.

@Divebar2021 those age averages appear to include people who marry more than once? which would naturally increase the average age. I'm pretty certain the average age for first time marriage is lower.

However I agree with the point made that not all the good men would be taken. Obviously some would be but at 34 there's still time but you have to be even more ruthless with timewasters/men just looking for serial girlfriends and sex since the dating pool has a higher proportion of such men in your 30s. And the proportion of undesirable men steadily increases to a certain point.

Thank you everyone. I find your comments really helpful. I need to pull myself together and do something.

I think - what I sort of feel sad about but don’t want to be pounced on about this - is I don’t have the energy to be ruthless to find someone/ignore time wasters/do OLD. I think I accept or have resigned myself to just allowing whomever fate brings my way, if the right person turns up.

I just don’t have it in me to actively look. But I’m realistic that that means it’s fairly unlikely or less likely. It makes feel slightly sad but at the same time better than I would feel if I were to actively look - if that makes sense.

When it comes to love and romantic relationships, if someone comes along I’ll be very happy but if not then I also accept that. I hope I don’t offend or upset anyone but there’s something within me that just cannot bear the thought of OLD or “actively” looking for someone. I almost have a melancholy romantic view of living out my life alone.

I have just finished The Blind Assassin though which may not be helping this mood.

Are we the same person cherryblossoms??

I could have written all your comments!

I think lockdown has a lot to do with how we're feeling. We've not been able to go out and explore life and it's definitely made me over think about the future

However, now we can get back out and about I think I'm starting to forget about the worry and I'm 100% believing that Prince charming is going to have to come and knock on my front door because the thought of even trying to 'look' for a fella actually makes me wanna puke!

So you're not alone and it's been refreshing to hear that I'm not the only one that is feeling like this!
Best of luck

Awh! Thank you!

Although I have been feeling like this since before the many lockdowns which makes me feel even more worried!

Everyone keeps telling me I'm a young whipper snapper so maybe we should take it on board!

And if and when we do meet a guy... HOPEFULLY he will have grown out of all the shitty things we put up with that men did in their 20s!

If all else fails.. we shall be cat ladies that drink wine...