How the hell do I keep things “chilled”?!

[LostStars39]

Just before I go into the situation I will say I already know I’m insecure and tend to overthink EVERYTHING! I also tend to go on a bit of a negative spiral and know I have issues with this so please don’t bash me for this as I’m aware of it

So basically I met this guy, we’ll call him Sam, over tinder (I know I know...)
He’s said he’s looking to date someone and get to know them with the view of it ending in a relationship.

Sams 39 and I’m 28, he’s lovely and we get on really well. We were talking most days for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet up for a drink (last Thursday) this went really well and we clicked and spent the whole evening laughing which was lovely.

Fast forward to the weekend, I barely heard anything from him, which is fine and people are busy, but then Sunday we spent a lot of the day messaging.

On Monday I went to his and he cooked dinner and again we had a really nice evening. He’s very attentive, and it just generally feels like we’ve known each other a lot longer than we have.
We watched tv and cuddled and kissed and some other stuff happened but we didn’t have sex.

Fast forward to yesterday, I barely heard anything from him all day and all night. A normal rational person would say this is completely fine, however me being me starts panicking and convincing myself he’s seeing other women. I mean even if he is he’s totally in his right to as we’re not official and nothing like that has been discussed, but I just feel like I’m driving myself mad wondering when he’s going to message me?!

How do you normal people cope with this? He’s messaged me this morning but I just don’t know how to keep it “chill” while we’re still in the early stages of dating?

I so want to ask him what he was doing last night, I definitely won’t but how do I deal with going forward?

Apologies if this was the most boring post!

Ok, I met my husband on Tinder so success stories (if a relationship is your measure of tinder success) do happen.

You stay chilled by getting on with your life as you did before you met him a few days ago. His company is an addition to your life at this point - a nice one at that. So you stay thankful for the nice time you've spared, you have no expectations of either yourself or him as virtual strangers to keep this going and you just message him back with matched energy.

2 weeks ago you met this man and it might turn into the best thing ever or it might stop now, both are ok and exactly how it's supposed to go.

Thank you @Gilda152 that’s really helpful. I’m trying really hard to just concentrate on life but my brain has other ideas!

He’s messaged me twice this morning asking if I’m okay, and I just want to reply asking what he was doing last night! (I won’t but it’s not good)

After one date, what he did last night really is none of your business, however you can ask in a chatty "did you do anything exciting last night" kind of way.

I met my dp on Bumble and as I had been chatting to him and another guy at the same time and my dp was very shy to ask me out, I eventually asked him but I had arranged to go for a drink with the other guy in the meantime. He asked me what I was doing that evening and I was honest and told him I was going on a date. He wished me luck, etc but later told me he was jealous. If he'd have said that at the time though I would have run a mile!

We decided after our 2nd date that we were not going to be seeing other people.

When I say he later told he he was jealous, I mean months later when we were in a relationship.

Thanks @Sunshineandflipflops that’s what I’m trying to tell myself, that it’s none of my business. I think as long as I keep that facade up that I’m fine with whatever, I won’t scare him off. It’s just managing the constant butterflies from my end that’s the problem

It's been 2 dates
At 28 you have loads of options, please realise what a catch you are to a 39 year old man.
Get on with your life, make plans, do things you love. It's no good if the next date you go on you have no better answer for 'what have you been up to?' than 'worrying about what you've been up to'.

I say that with 10 years more dating experience than you. Enjoy the excited feeling but put it in perspective.

He might be seeing other women. So what if he is? You could be seeing other men. That’s actually quite a healthy thing early on, and stops you from focusing too much on people with whom you’ve only been on a couple of dates.

Definitely keep dating other people, too.

He might well be seeing other women, and he has every right to, you barely know him and it's been two dates. Are you not chatting to anyone else?

I think if you try and keep the mindset that he probably is seeing other people, and it's fine, then there's less to be anxious about.

Also you speak about barely hearing from him, is it that you've messaged and not responded, or are you sitting around waiting to hear from him? If it's the latter you can just send a "hello, how are you" message. Obviously don't bombard him! If he's not responding at all when you've messaged then that's a bit different. I was virtually dating (lots of zoom dinners) someone a while ago, sometimes he'd not message back for days, which I got fed up with in the end.

If you’re insecure prone to overthinking and tend to go into a negative spiral. Maybe you should sort that out before dating.

When you say that the day after your date you 'barely' heard from him, you do realise that it means you did hear from him, so he's didn't ghost you. If you want more response and text dialog, always ask an open question in your text, then they have to reply, otherwise you know they are ignoring your question. It's also ok to contact first sometimes, just be alert to it not being all the time.
He asked you if you were ok, so I'd guess by that, that you're overthinking has resulted in you holding back too much and not letting the conversation flow either. Just a simple -" yea, I'm good, how about you?" Should be the response to that ( ending on a question that requires an answer). Never reply "I'm fine", then no question ( I hope that wasn't your response, that would put anyone off).

In the kindest way OP, you need to chill out. It's been 2 dates, you owe nothing to one another at this point. I understand what it's like when you meet someone and feel like you click, but the fact is at the moment he is basically a stranger- you met him less than a week ago! So whilst that does sometimes turn into the real thing, more often than not it probably won't.

As PP said you're the catch here- I'm sure he thinks all his dreams have come true dating a 28 year old! I certainly wouldn't waste too much energy wondering what he's up to and who he's seeing, in fact tell yourself he probably is and go date some other people yourself! Until you're both willing to have a conversation about exclusivity, all bets are off.

I dated for a long time before finding my DP (on Tinder), and in that time the best advice I learned was to assume they're all fun while they last. Falling into the trap of assuming and hoping that every good date is going to end up in a relationship is asking for trouble, honestly.

You can ask what he was doing in a chilled what did you watch on telly sort of way , but if he was shagging 10 women he is never going to say so no point asking because you are not going to get the reassurance you wants

You have ignored him twice this morning ? If so not nice , treat him as you want to be treated

This might sound like 'intense' advice - but have you ever had counselling/ therapy? In my 20s I was very very anxious in relationships - and eventually got help for it and dug deep into where the thought were coming from/how my family/ childhood had led me to be over attached early in relationships etc

The fact is that you need to believe you will be 'okay' even if you never see him again - you don't need this man to be complete or happy and if it doesn't work out it wasn't right and you will find the man who is right for you eventually.

Please please don't ask him what he was doing, it's like picking a scab - the problem isn't that you don't know what he was doing - you have no right to at this stage - the problem is your anxiety and insecurity

OP - it is HARD to be chilled when you like someone - but it is really really worth the effort of doing it - it will help you choose more effectively whether he is a man you really want to be with.

Focus on yourself, your life keep yourself busy - and have a think about where the anxieties might have originally been coming from (it isn't him btw - it's from you!)

OP please sort this out before you get into a relationship because this lack of chill is the first step down a road where you get jealous, possessive and controlling.

I don't really know HOW to because I've never thought like this, but I think a reason I don't really feel jealous or possessive is that I accept that I can't control other people's actions. How things progress is not entirely up to me. Life is chaotic and other people do what they want to do. A first date might go somewhere, or nowhere, and both are fine. A relationship might break down after 6 months or 6 years or 16 years or never and all of that is just what happens in life.

So just keep yourself busy, enjoy the first dates for what they are and accept that there are things beyond your control.

@LostStars39

Thank you *@Gilda152* that’s really helpful. I’m trying really hard to just concentrate on life but my brain has other ideas!

He’s messaged me twice this morning asking if I’m okay, and I just want to reply asking what he was doing last night! (I won’t but it’s not good)

I've been in similar situations and this is one of the points that really annoys me! A couple of times he's left it a day or so before texting but then when he does text and you e not replied he texts multiple times asking if you're ok.

Why do men think it's okay for them not to be in constant contact but expect instant replies from women. Complete double standards

Give yourself other things to focus on

Message other men on tinder
Find a new box set to watch
Take up a new hobby
Message a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while

Anything that stops you fixating. It might be that you and he find that you like each other more than anyone else out there but it doesn’t hurt to also have other options until you get to the point where you know that. (You don’t stop applying for other jobs until you have a contract in hand!)

I find this really hard, how we tie ourselves up in knots at the start of a relationship, often not acting and behaving like our authentic selves in a way... if you’re a person who likes sporadic conversation and is happy with using messaging to check in and arrange meeting up next, then someone who texts a lot and wants deep conversation over whatever app you’re using is not really going to be a good match.

Some people like lots of communication in between dates and others not so much.

Don’t stifle your natural style in the hopes of appealing to someone who isn’t really your best match. Just be unapologetically yourself. All the, don’t text first or the wait 3 hours before replying rules and the not replying to him or holding back from a breezy “hey, how’s things.. been up to anything interesting lately ?” Will very quickly turn you into a pretzel.

NB: I’m not advocating accusatory, demanding messages - either for attention or answers, but if you’d ask a friend what they've been up to lately... why wouldn’t you ask a prospective date?

Thank you so much for all your advice it’s been great. I have had counselling in the past and I know it’s something I need to look into again as I’ve always been anxious and an over thinker all my life, and it’s impacted everything from work, friends and family and relationships.

To the posters saying it’s double standards that I hadn’t replied to him this morning, it had been about an hour, and I hadn’t heard from him since yesterday afternoon, so I didn’t want to reply straight away!

Thanks for all the useful advice though

I think it’s attractive when a person has their own life going on. Arrange to meet some friends at a bar or go to the beach or something ( anything) . It means you’re not sitting stewing about him and are not immediately available. Don’t give him too much information about who you’re with - be vague. Be friendly but breezy.

@LostStars39

Thank you so much for all your advice it’s been great. I have had counselling in the past and I know it’s something I need to look into again as I’ve always been anxious and an over thinker all my life, and it’s impacted everything from work, friends and family and relationships.

To the posters saying it’s double standards that I hadn’t replied to him this morning, it had been about an hour, and I hadn’t heard from him since yesterday afternoon, so I didn’t want to reply straight away!

Thanks for all the useful advice though

Sorry OP! I meant the guy has complete double standards.

The fact he thinks he can not text you for a day but gets annoyed when you haven't replied in an hour!! Almost like he thinks he's better and you should be jumping to chat to him when he's suddenly available.

It's a situation I've come across a few times myself!!

I didn’t look at what section this thread was posted in before I opened it so I thought it was about keeping food at an ambient temperature

He will be out with other women - perhaps lots of them. You should be dating other men - do not put all your eggs in one basket. You’re not exclusive. It sounds like you’re over invested after just two dates. I have cheese in my fridge that’s older than your ‘relationship’.

Yep, it's his double standards, not yours.

Chat to some other guys as well, don't let this one monopolise your attention so early on.