Having to wait 4 months for him to leave... How to handle this?

[InterstellarOverdrive]

Me and ex split 2 days ago. I told him I couldn't deal with his behaviour any more. He's been emotionally abusive and intimidating and I've had enough.
The problem is that he's unemployed at the moment and is doing a course that requires internet access all day. He has nowhere else to go to get this access so he is having to stay here until mid August. He insists that he will be nice and civil etc but I'm worried about him being here that long. We are keeping our distance from each other and just being nice and civil when the children are home. I'm going to suggest he goes to him mums at the weekend with the dc when he doesn't need fast Internet access.
There really isn't any alternative for him, he needs to do this course in order to get a job and move out so my question is how to get through this time with minimal disruption and conflict. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He goes to his mums and gets a dongle so he has Internet.

It's the Internet speed /connection at his mums, it's terrible. She's not in an area where they have fibre broadband yet.

So he moves back to his mums and uses your house to study?!
Does 9-5 or whatever hours needed and then goes home to mums.
A bit like going to the office or library

I have spent the last year with horrendous non-fibre broadband, having to teach online. I eventually got a new mobile contract with a huge data allowance and used that. It was more than enough to cope with running classes with 20 students in, so it will be fine for his course.

This isn't an amicable break up. It's one that has been abusive. If he couldn't be 'nice and civil' while you were in a relationship together, why is he going to start now? Don't let him dictate this, and don't feel guilty.

His internet issues are not your problem. If you let him stay then he wont leave in august. Dont believe his promises to be civil either. Tell him he has to leave by the weekend. Otherwise he will use every excuse in the book..

He still wants to see dc in evenings so the logistics are awkward. I don't want the dc to suddenly stop seeing him, I want it to be a gradual change as my eldest is ASD and won't cope well with sudden change. I can't really do anything about him having to be here during the week unfortunately. I'm just wondering how to remain in this weird limbo for a few months without it causing further issues really.

His course is heavily computer based (techy programming course) and can't be done on a mobile unfortunately.

In all fairness to him he has been mostly nice and civil for a while now, we almost split a year ago but didn't because of covid and for the majority of this year he's been ok-ish. I'm just hoping that will continue.

Is it half his house or do you own it? It makes a difference

We're renting but he pays the rent and is the lead tenant.

If he is doing a techy course he can work out how to get sufficient internet speed. This is a bullshit excuse, sorry OP.

No one is suggesting he does his course on his phone. But he could get a data allowance and tether his laptop to his phone to use his phone data to access the internet.

We lived in near-central London for 7 years without fibre broadband doing lots of online stuff. Millions of people manage, he will too.

Get him to move out and solve his own problems - don't let him make it yours.

@InterstellarOverdrive

We're renting but he pays the rent and is the lead tenant.

You need to think what this means for you if he moves out. How he will pay CMS and the rent if he is unemployed would be a big concern for me in your shoes. Because you might find yourself getting a paltry some to manage the family finances.

Unfortunately he can decide he wants to stay. It would then be up to you to demonstrate emotional abuse to secure an occupation order. You would need support from women’s aid or a solicitor.

The expectation that a man should move out when a couple splits doesn’t really have a legal foundation and it isn’t always practical for either party.

I’d try a grown up conversation where you discuss the practical problems with the situation and alternatives might get you both to a good compromise. Telling him what he must do is not a good approach. He is likely to dig in or become resentful.

I'm not sure what CMS means?
He's only recently unemployed (covid) and has his extended family to support him financially while he is unemployed so no financial burden for me there. I do all bills he does rent.
When he does move I'll just apply for UC as we already get twx credits anyway. Hopefully letting agent is fine with the rent being paid by me instead. I'm only working 5 hrs a week atm (again. covid!) so I need an additional job before this can happen ideally.

Where is he doing his course? If it’s at college/Uni he can get access to their libraries now and they all have great IT.

It's from home. Online all day :/

its a tough one, i personally thin he is controlling the situation to keep you in the relationship

when do the libraries open? he can go there? plenty students get internet in poor connection areas, worth looking into ?

dont let this person control and emotionally abuse you. DM message if you want some support x

@citygirl200 sorry only just seen this. Thanks for the offer of DM. It is awkward, most definitely. At the moment he is sucked in to the virtual world of his laptop 24/7 so I'm getting very little in the way communication out of him anyway.
He's been civil enough these last few days so hopefully it can last a few months. We'll be doing things separately as much as possible and he says he has no expectations from me. He is visibly miserable when he's not in his laptop world but is managing to be ok around the dc.

If he's the lead tenant, won't you have to move out anyway? He can't move out and you stay in this situation?

As pp said, likelihood is that you will have to move out when he does. Unless you ask them to renew it in your name only when the lease runs out but often the home owner takes that opportunity to sell/move in so you might be denied.

I think you should start looking for your own place now. You'll be on your own when the 4 month is up anyway. Better off finding somewhere asap that you can afford.

No way would I be staying under the same roof as him a minute longer than necessary.

The plan is to talk to estate agents and eventually get the contract in my name only. Basically means I've got 4 months to get a second job with better hours than my current one and prob get UC/tax credit top ups. Thankfully we have a very understanding landlord who is not interested in selling.

I had to do it when my husband and I split up. We own our house but I stayed and he moved into rented accommodation. It took 4 months to save the deposit. It was horrible, I lived upstairs and him down but we were civil and got through it.

Good luck

Dear OP I totally understand you as I am in a similar position. I have been miserable for years and just before Covid i started seeing a counselor to help me deal with it. I was ready to call it quits when pandemic hit and knowing that my DH will definitely loose his job I decided to wait. More then a year later, cooped up in this house together I am loosing my mind. Decided a month ago to talk to him when his mom dies, in a tragic accident. Again, I realize I have to postpone inevitable and wait until he recovers. However, something happened a week ago and he asked me directly so it was either to tell the truth or to lie. I decided to tell him the truth about how I feel, but b/c he lost his job and his mom passed away, I suggested he stayed here with us until he is back on his feet. It has only been a week and I am loosing my mind.

Sorry, I can offer no help to you other then to let you know that you are not alone. Just put one foot in front of the other is what I do. I believe that we will survive this and in a year or so be free and content. Hang in there.

It's hard isn't it. Over the past year I've ended up becoming more and more emotionally closed off, despite trying, really trying, to force myself to enjoy the relationship. It just didn't happen. We have very demanding dc as well and I've often worried I wouldn't cope alone. But I know I can. It's just fear, which I've given in to for far too long.

I'm hoping that we can muddle through the next few months without any major troubles and come out the other side better than before.

I totally understand you and in fact I wish we were talking in person and can give each other a hug. Oh, I miss hugs so, so much. Anyway, yes, there is so much guilt and pain involved. I try to meditate every day and I think this helps me a lot, but every now and then the full-blown emotion just creeps up to me and it takes my breath away, it feels like dying. I am not worried that I will not make it on my own, I am just guilty for “doing” this to him because he is really I crises at the moment, and the kids of course. Have not even told them yet.