Having to wait 4 months for him to leave... How to handle this?

[InterstellarOverdrive]

Me and ex split 2 days ago. I told him I couldn't deal with his behaviour any more. He's been emotionally abusive and intimidating and I've had enough.
The problem is that he's unemployed at the moment and is doing a course that requires internet access all day. He has nowhere else to go to get this access so he is having to stay here until mid August. He insists that he will be nice and civil etc but I'm worried about him being here that long. We are keeping our distance from each other and just being nice and civil when the children are home. I'm going to suggest he goes to him mums at the weekend with the dc when he doesn't need fast Internet access.
There really isn't any alternative for him, he needs to do this course in order to get a job and move out so my question is how to get through this time with minimal disruption and conflict. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If you have split from an abusive man one of you needs to go, living together will not be good for anyone including the kids.
He won't leave in August he's already making excuses and you are still considering him.
His internet access is not your concern and surely he can make an arrangement to visit the kids, he doesn't need to be living in the same house as you.

He has no excuse not to leave in August though tbh. If he tries not to then I'll have to cross that bridge then but at the moment I'd be jeopardising his career by asking him to leave now.
I've discovered that fibre broadband is available at his mums now so I've said that if things get too difficult here then she can upgrade her Internet and he can go there.

He has never been physically abusive but talks to me in an unpleasant way. The worst thing he did was just over a year ago when he refused to move out of the way of the bedroom door while he was shouting at me about god knows what. I was trying to get to the dc who were scared and crying in their room. It was in the morning and he made them late for school. His reason for doing it was that he couldn't bare to leave the house unless the argument was resolved (he's very insecure). I really should have made him leave there and then. Ridiculous really.

I've consequently become very distant from him this past year and developed feelings for a friend, though nothing happened there. It was all just in my head. Escapism I guess. But my partner figured out that I liked my friend more than I should and I ended up telling him the truth. I kind of wish I didn't now because he's using it against me but he knows it's all a result of his behaviour anyway and I don't see the guy anymore.

It's all such a mess but I'm hoping he can be civil for a few more months.

@loveyourself2020 I miss hugs too! We've not told the kids yet either. Probably going to be a gradual change so it's not such a shock. Not sure though. I do sometimes feel guilty but then I remember why I'm doing this in the first place and I know I'm doing the right thing.

@InterstellarOverdrive
My DH just texted me that he may be able to move out on Jul 15. Immediately I texted him, no, you do not have to go yet, until you are back on your feet. Bloody hell, guilt is killing me.

Massive virtual hugs to you both, @loveyourself2020 and @InterstellarOverdrive.

Shit situation eh.

Eventually things will be better! Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. It's like being bashed along on a conveyor belt through a threshing machine -- at some point you will be spat out at the other end into the sunshine, all neatly baled!

OP, at least he is nose deep in his online stuff so more or less absent, just not physically. Yet! It will come... Just keep your head down and focus on your own next steps.

@InterstellarOverdrive
@Alcemeg
Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this virtual friendship means to me right now. I am literally drinking cognac straight (it is not even 3 pm here now) and panicking. If he is to move in July we have to start telling people, first kids of course. I am having a panic attack.

@loveyourself2020 be strong and remember it's for the best. It's hard when it seems they are hurting because of your decision but remember why you have come to this conclusion in the first place. It's not a decision you make lightly and yet here we both are.

@InterstellarOverdrive
Thank you for your support. We seem to be in a very similar boat right now, so lets keep in touch and see how it goes. Yours should leave in August and mine should leave in July. I think that we will sit the kids down and tell them. Mine are grown up (22, 19 and 16) so I am hoping that there will be no meltdowns, but the girls have mental health issues so that is a big worry for me. The thing is my DH is very difficult guy to deal with, and kids know it was difficult for me all these years. We will see.

It is hard being in the same space with him. I am sure you feel the same. I try to avoid that, but at the end of the day we are cooped up in the living room in front of a TV every night so.. Hang in there, this will be all over soon. Sending you love across the ocean.

@InterstellarOverdrive
I am just checking in to see how you are doing? I am dying to be honest. My DH should be leaving in mid Jul so he is still in the house. He does not talk to me at all (I am still finding my anger but so far feeling only guilt) and we have not told kids. I am so anxious I think I will get an ulcer.

[quote loveyourself2020]@InterstellarOverdrive
I am just checking in to see how you are doing? I am dying to be honest. My DH should be leaving in mid Jul so he is still in the house. He does not talk to me at all (I am still finding my anger but so far feeling only guilt) and we have not told kids. I am so anxious I think I will get an ulcer. [/quote]
@loveyourself2020

People kept telling me that at some point, I'd find my anger and it would carry me through.

But I never did.

Something that made better sense to me is when I realised that I was used to anticipating his feelings so much that I could separate my own from his. In fact, I "felt" his feelings more than I did my own. This makes it extraordinarily difficult to live under the same roof. I was experiencing not only my own pain and confusion, but on top of that and probably even more intensely his.

It is a pig of a situation. Good luck to you, sending you the energy to get through.

I really love the saying, "Everything is always all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end yet."

could not separate mine from his, I meant.

but I'm sure you worked that one out 😉

@Alcemeg

Oh, so you did in the end leave your DH? I just asked you this in another thread. Yes, I find dealing with his emotions completely draining. I mean I wanted for so long to do this but I feel no relief right now. Just a lot of pain and guilt and all kinds of stuff. Also, I am angry that he does not talk to me, as if he is the victim in all this and requires our empathy. All I did was call it quits, but it is I who was abused (emotionally and financially) for years. Not him. But the anger is not strong enough to lift me up. I am suffocating right now.
I was just wondering how @InterstellarOverdrive was doing.