How to heal from narc abuse

[TitaniumTess]

Hi, I recently split from my partner after 4 years of emotional abuse which started when I was pregnant. He finally moved out.

He never thought that he did anything wrong, even though he used to wake me up to shout at me, cancelled 'treat meals' because of something trivial I had done even though I didnt know about them yet....I was always told off after any family party for sitting somewhere wrong.
.or speaking to someone too much. He criticised things round the house, accused me of having affairs, left the house in a strop when I got a new job etc etc...

How do I heal? How do I stop getting angry when I remember what I put up with? How do I stop being angry with myself for not leaving sooner? How do I get over the fact that he wants our son, now 4, half the week, despite the fact that if my son woke crying in the night, he used to shout at him, 'what now! Shut up!' Etc. He always said that our son, 'did his head in,' after an hour and let me do the vast majority of maternity leave and the first few years so why does he want him half a week now?

Sorry. It all seems so raw still and I just want him out of my head so that he doesn't spoil any more of my life. Xx

I’m so sorry. It does take time to heal. I went through narcissistic abuse and I left the situation in December. Then the smear campaign happened and I had to deal with that when I was completely exhausted and broken from all the emotional abuse that had taken place previously. It’s one of those things that people will never understand until they experience it. I found that I did obsessively think about it for a long time, and just wanted to be free of the thoughts. I watched a lot of Dr Romani on YouTube. That helped so much.
I think think about the person who did it every day, but I’m out of the obsessive constant thinking now. It takes time but it’s really really hard.

I'm waiting for NHS CBT, I'm doing the freedom programme online
I think I need some kind of EMDR as my GP thinks I gave PTSD.
I'm 5 years out of it and I've never dealt with it.
I understand completely where you are coming from and I'd be interested In answers from other posters too.

In my experience, the anger arriving is a very positive thing. However, it's about as 'healed' as you will get for a long time. But you'll find that over time it bothers you less and less often.

The best thing to do is to do with the anger is to make it work for you- put on some music and dance around until you are knackered. Or go for a run. Endorphins help you feel better.

And if you tire yourself out you'll find you're too tired to continue to ruminate on things. Use the anger every time a wave rears its head. Let it work for you instead of eating you up. Find an outlet for it.

If possible, never see him again. Have someone else do the pick ups and drop offs for your kid if he has access. And block him on all methods of contact except one burner phone. Only look at that when it's his days to have her and only reply to things about childcare.

Basically, reduce contact as much as possible. Because if the poison is still around it's much harder to heal.

Thanks all.

My current plan is to have an 'anger diary' to write it all down...a 'positive plans' diary to capture positive thoughts and swing between the two...

I just don't know how to get rid of the waves of anger that appear as I remember bad memories. X

Hi @TitaniumTess,
I am sorry you went through this. Have you looked into counselling or therapy of some kind? It will help to talk about it with someone first who can then help you heal.

Do you have any symptoms like intrusive thoughts or flashbacks? It might be worth going to your GP for a referral for talking therapy who will assess whether you have depression, anxiety or PTSD from the trauma. I was diagnosed with depression last year after having nightmares and flashbacks even though it was many years ago. The counselling I had helped and the waking up in the middle of the night stopped.

It is worth keeping a journal to write down how you feel, the things he did to harm you etc.

There are many videos on narcissism on Youtube and many viewers have gone through the same thing as you, so you are not alone.

I agree with @Wanderlusto, that the best way to speed up healing is to go low contact in your case and all communication must be childcare related only. Is your DS safe with him though?

Wishing you the best in your journey of healing.

Thanks all. I think I will go to the NHS next.

I've spoken to a DV counsellor which helped me to spot the pattern and get out of the relationship.

It's the remembering what happened that upsets me. Xxx

My ex has at times been mean to our son. He's acting like model Dad now. Confusing.

He didn't seem that bothered until it came to us splitting. X

I'm a bit worried that he may poison your son against you @TitaniumTess.

@ruminating2020 Thanks. I hope not! I don't think it would work. We've got a really strong relationship, my son and I. Xxx

Have you looked at the freedom programme, it really helped me see the things he did were abusive.
I was told it was all in my head, I was making it up.
To see it all in black and white was helpful
It was like some of the chapters were written about him.

Hi @name99. I've just started it today. Thanks.

I can see the patterns now and agree some sections are spot on.

It's how to drop the memories that I want to deal with. It's as though he's got away with it all. X

My ex used to tell me 'you make shit up' if so ever tried to mention something that had happened in the past.

I only saw the patterns by writing it down as it happened and sending it to my Mum. Xxx

Yes, their manipulation with words means you keep questioning your memory of what was really said. It's as if you need a dictaphone for the conversations.

I questioned my memory of events, but that was because of the gaslighting.
I ended up using a voice recorder at the end of the relationship because I doubted myself so much.
I have flashbacks still now and I remember things It seems I've blocked out.
I broke down yesterday on my zoom meeting for the freedom programme.
To be believed and understood by people, to know that it wasn't all in my head like I was told was v emotional

@Name99. I cried in my session too.

I am angry at the shouting.....and being told off after parties.....the drip drip drip......of being picked at.

I think it's only when you tell someone else what happened that you realise how you didn't do anything wrong.

At the time in the situation though, they convince you it's you.

My ex kept saying my Mum and Dad wouldn't have me on such a pedestal if they knew what I was really like. Once he l knew I was running to Mum's house when he scared me out of the house, he kept saying that....but only Dad wouldn't have me on the pedestal (my parents are divorced.)

Oh I sobbed my heart out.
I had the threats of telling my parents what i was really like.
He did go round and tell them things, he was convinced he could manipulate them too.

Gave you got the accompanying book.

Good god. Such common patterns!

Rubbish isn't it?

The book is super useful.x

@Name99, it has taken me years to recover.

Op, For 2 years after I left, Ex was so hostile and vindictive (legal processes) that it was worse than when I was in the relationship. I am only now processing what happened. At first I had to calm my nervous system as I had been on fight/flight response for so long. Yoga really helped as well as relaxation. I treated myself as someone who had been through trauma and allowed myself to heal physically which helped my mental state.

You have to forgive yourself as the fault lies with him. This sounds trite but it's true. I have also learned about abusive personalities and that has helped me understand Ex's disordered thinking.

Close the door on Ex but don't spend too much time looking back at the shut door as it will prevent you opening new doors.

Your plan for 2 journals sounds very good.

@Fireflygal. Thanks. I understand that. I feel programmed to keep myself busy, busy, busy to not think about it.

And I don't think I relaxed in the house for years. Always on pins. So adrenaline running through my body, waiting for the next episode and not knowing what to expect when you get home.....nice guy asking when you seem un-chatty.....or the opposite, asking if you're having an affair etc etc.... and then picking.

Xxx

DoctorRamani on YouTube is amazing. She is a proffessional and has hundreds of in depth videos that are so helpful and enlightening and empowering. There are endless topics all about the narcissist. It's very healing. Read the comments sections there too. Look up how to grey rock the narcissist on her page.

Also look up her videos on comparinting with a narc, and more importantly the videos that talk about the effects on your child having a narcissistic parent. Read again the comments section to get an idea of the damage posters who grew up with narc parents suffered.

From what you describe you know he he won't be able to safely and effectively look after your child. He doesn't have the patience, empathy and emotional capacity, and is and always will be too self absorbed. His own needs are all that matters. He only want your child now you are apart as a power play to get to you. He wants the upper hand. He wants to punish you. And he sees his child as his possession and has a right and entitled to treat (or rather mistreat) his own child as he sees fit.

Start a diary noting all the abuse you suffered and exactly this type of behaviour and mentality from him and all the reasons why he should not have access to your child. Take him to court for custody. Try and get evidence record video, keep texts and any other communications, note date times and comments, behaviours and threats that he says and does in a diary. If you have told any friends or family have them be witness and back you up. Contact woman's aid. Let everyone know your fears. Don't tell the narc anything of course. Prepare for him to play games and get nastier. Keep yourself safe. Report anything to the police.

Again there are videos by Dr Ramani about how to do all this. How to deal with him.

Start with this based on your OP. Really scroll down to her earlier videos to begin with. 1:Look up the TYPES of narcissist on there.

2: "It's time to forgive yourself for your relationship with a narcissist"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=6lqtVvGPqco

3: "can you ever get closure after a toxic relationship"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=bFbUOjhHOFI

4: "recovering from realizing your life with a narcissist was a lie" m.youtube.com/watch?v=-ul3Q1VP734

5: "what does finding meaning and purpose after a narcissistic relationship look like?"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=EYSlr3V26Lg

6: "Co-parenting with a narcissist and the sadness of wishing away your child's childhood"

7: "Narcissistic Fathers"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=IQgnDPq2maA

8: "The 5 types of narcissistic parents"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=UU7U7srYz6U

9: "Going back to the person you were BEFORE your narcissistic relationship"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kpnnz1zSsFg

Best of luck with everything. Heartfelt hugs

I was involved with a narc in the nineties. The ralationship was on and off for four years and even now I get triggered. Smells, music and other things can send me back there. I am much stronger now but it took me two years to even start to feel better it was so bad.

It's a real tough ride OP. Sorry.

My dad was the narc. I am now estranged from all of my family. It is hard and has destroyed me at my core.

Additional videos that will be helpful

"When being gaslighted makes YOU look unstable"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=xI-VR6Pxrvc

And related to what you said about him sabotaging family parties, telling you off after them etc

"Why Narcissists ruin your big days"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=JXujX9xQ7Kg

Maybe acknowleging the anger and letting yourself feel & express it may help.

I think it's important to shift that anger and direct it towards him (just in your mind or in your journal) rather than directing it towards yourself.

Afterall, you are totally justified in being angry with him and angry about what he put you through.

Be careful that you don't take responsibility for his behaviour or blame yourself OP. Keep reminding yourself that he was accountable for his own actions, not you.

His abusive behaviour is about him and something that he owns. It was not your fault.

Remind yourself how difficult it is for people to leave abusive relationships - but you have managed it. Give yourself praise for doing this. It shows a lot of courage and strength especially after being treated like that for 4 years.

I’m the ex wife of a nasty overt narc and I found myself another one who slipped my radar because he was as I know now, a covert narc. Can I recommend Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J Eliott. She has a series of podcasts on Spotify and you tube that will help you no end. I am incredibly angry with my recent ex - he blindsided me, discarded me and my kids and then ran off in typical narcissist fashion back to his ex because she was going to pander to his huge ego. One of the other posters has recommended the you tube videos by Dr Ramani. She is good too but the programme in the book I mentioned is long term and will help you to heal and recover. Narcissistic abuse is horrific and I can totally empathise with what you are going through. It’s a pattern for many people and you need to work through it to understand what has happened. Good luck x