I've told my husband we are over

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Married for 10 years, 2 dc age 5 & 8. He drinks too much, doesn't pull his weight. Told me last year he was bisexual . I've been the main breadwinner and chief cook/housekeeper/organiser of kids since day 1. I'm 46. I'm so so tired of all his shit.
I'm mostly calm but a bit sad, and worried about the kids. I really want to keep the house - I bought it with the proceeds of selling my flat and a mortgage, and I've been paying the mortgage the entire time. He's on career number 3 since we got married while I'm just boringly doing all the drudge work.

Agh bugger posted too soon. anyway I'm
Just venting. I've had 1 gin and tonic and half way through the second .
He's being a dick.

I really hope you don't lose your house. That would be terrible. Is he likely to say he wants 50:50?

Ugh that sounds awful, OP. How long were you together before you got married?

I'm assuming his name is on the mortgage?

Thanks for replying . Yes his name is on the mortgage dammit. We were together for almost 2 years before we bought it. I have spoken to a lawyer but I think I might need someone who's a bit more...determined. I will buy him out but he's not getting 50:50. He's already said he wants to leave London (where we live) and see the kids every other weekend. I don't understand the mentality - I would be fighting tooth and nail for 50:50. Lazy fucker couldn't handle it.

Sounds like you’re well rid. Find a more tenacious lawyer and look forward to the second half of your life on your own terms and without the dead weight.

Thanks all. How do you survive this, how do you protect your kids from the fallout? It seems so overwhelming

From someone 18 months on from this, you literally take it a day at a time, one foot after the other. There will be bad days, and very bad days, but you will look back in the not too distant future and realise how strong you've become, and you deserve so much more that what you were living through.

The kids will be fine. You don't believe it when people tell you, but they will be.

Thank you @blanchedevereaux that is good to hear. I wish I'd done this 2 years ago but as usual I'd hoped he'd change for good blah blah.
Also your username is ace

OP I promise a bright future awaits. Under a pile of crappy messy gut-wrenching fallout. You’ve just gotta keep scrabbling about, it’s under there, I promise.

You’ve taken such a big step already. Calling time is hard. Well bloody done. You’ve got this. You’re a strong woman, that much is clear.

Friends. Lean on them. Some will surprise you and not turn out to be such great friends after all (part of the process). Others will be amazing.

Thank you @LatentPhase. It's hard to believe but I'm trying. I have only told 2 friends. I somehow feel ashamed? Like I've failed. And I'm embarrassed at having married someone who turned out to be such a dickhead

Good for you, op. Forge ahead as powerfully and quickly as possible. The sooner you get him out of your life and house, the better.

Don't be embarrassed, I made the same mistake too as I'm sure thousands of women have. Your dc will be happier without having to see their dad drinking and be around his laziness. They will pick up on your happier vibe. Yes there will be a lot to sort out and it might not be all plain sailing but you are doing the right thing and you will get there and you and the kids will be happier .

It’s not your fault he’s a huge loser. Get a better lawyer, research an occupation order til the kids are older and get him out.

Don’t be embarrassed, please

The transition to parenthood is one we make essentially blind in so many ways.

His crapness is on him.

Hold your head up high and forge ahead. Ultimately once the fallout passes things are going to be massively better, I promise.

@DearTeddyRobinson I know what you mean about feeling like you failed and being embarrassed
Although I married him already knowing he was a dickhead

It's more than likely your friends will know what a lazy knob he is and will be relieved for you and the DCs. They'll likely let out a sigh of relief and say 'I always knew he was a dickhead!'

What would be embarrassing would be staying in a fucked up marriage to save face.

Dont be embarrassed. As others said friends and family will support you and want you to be happy. You need more than 50:50 you have the children to home. My friend got 75% for her and 2 kids.

Ah thanks all. It's so good to have somewhere to vent. He's being such a massive dickhead. This morning I got up with the kids and did the usual breakfast, uniforms, bags etc as I do every day. He's taking them to school today so saunters down about 8.15, has his breakfast while I chivvy kids into coats shoes etc. They leave and then come back 2 mins later as one of the water bottles is leaking and he was utterly revelling in the fact of me having fucked something up. Like he does nothing to contribute but is always the first to whinge. God I can't stand him.
One of the kids said earlier, mummies do more work than daddies. Fuck I need to get out, what a shitty role model

He sounds like an idiot. Can you start making some positive plans today ?

I don't really know what to do now! Ideally he would just fuck off but I know he will be here till the bitter end. I'm looking on Rightmove in case I do have to sell the house and I've got some removal quotes. I haven't spoken to my solicitor yet. I kind of want to let it settle in my head. I did send him divorce papers last September but he talked me round so never submitted to court.

I'm in a similar position, so frustrating. I wish he just moved out but I can see he will just try and get out as much as he can from me. I'm hoping to buy him out and hope he will cooperate... hope you'll manage as well

Solidarity @Sova, hope we both manage to get rid of these dead weights! Do you have DC?

OP,
You need a rottweiler of a lawyer.

There is NO point hiring a wet lawyer.

You need someone who is really able to play hardball.

Get as much paperwork together.

If he so much as raises his voice to you.
Report him.

He sounds like a waster.
Stay strong.

@DearTeddyRobinson

Solidarity *@Sova*, hope we both manage to get rid of these dead weights! Do you have DC?

Thanks! Yes 4 and 6 yr olds. We were married for over 10 yrs and recently had couple counselling but he just used sessions to rant about me and not wanted to actually make any changes. I also sold my flat to buy the house and pay for everything, which I now feel was so naive... Anyway I've been advised that I need to try and make things amicable otherwise if it goes to court we don't have enough money to be fighting over. So he accepted my offer but that means that he will now live here until it's all sorted and I'm concerned he might change his mind. He's not paid his share of bills or mortgage so when he realises he will have to pay for things I feel he might kick off. I'm quite angry with myself for making the choices I've made but hope I can redo and resolve some of this. Fair to say 2021 won't be easy though

@Sova that sounds very similar to me. There really isn't enough to justify going to court, in fact if I want to buy him out I'd have to go cap in hand to my parents for the money.
@billy1966 I agree. Any recommendations?!